Don't you wish people came with instructions?

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Ok, just a heads up before I delve into this topic. The podcast episode I'm linking in is from a pro-polyamory podcast. Please don't start a debate on whether poly is right or wrong cause why I'm linking this has NOTHING to do with that. This episode was on writing your own instructions manual for yourself. I think it is a great exercise whether your poly or not and maybe could be good for just friends. Okay so yeah handing out an instruction manual would be odd, but at least the process of writing one kind of gives you a good look at yourself and may help you to explain certain behaviors when they come up.

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[WARNING: Link contains some mature material; some links from that page do include explicit sexual content. - M.]
http://polyweekly.com/archives/379
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The episode is called RTFM (Read the F***ing Manual)

(P.S. If you don't know what polyamory is please just google it or PM me. I think defining it in this space would inevitably cause the is it right or wrong debate that I'd like to avoid and that really doesn't belong here.)

If you want it might be interesting to actually post our manuals here. Let me know what you think. If you do post yours here (or write on in general) look back at it every once and a while and see how it changes. I don't know about anyone else but I kind of like looking back at old journal entries and getting that shock of "I really wrote that? That doesn't even sound like me", lol.

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How to Handle / Put Up With Lotus

Never, under ANY circumstances, compare me to my mother. Odds are you will either get kicked out, hit or both.

If I say leave me alone, leave me the hell alone. I only say this if I'm close to an episode or meltdown and someone even trying to comfort me will ensure that one happens. I need the time to calm down or I will lose control.

I am sorry when I lose control, please give me the chance to show it.

Don't belittle my friendships with my pets. They are there for me when no one else is.

If I'm close to an episode or meltdown, don't make me ask someone for something. That close to one the wall is down and you may as well be trying to make me ask for a favor from someone in another dimension.

Please don't ignore a request for a break, time alone, some quiet, etc... I really need it, and if you've followed me and received such a request please just come back later.

Please don't take a temporary dislike in physical affection as a permanent sentence. Sometimes I don't like to be touched, it gives me flashbacks to REALLY bad memories if I'm close to a breakdown or even just really stressed. Just wait, try again in a day or so.

Don't punish me for not getting on with your friends or try to force me to hang out. When I can I will make every effort to hang out with them, be civil and all that if it is important to you, but I can't make them like me and I hate faking it.

Try and give your family a heads up that I'm extremely shy if I'm visiting (mainly this one is for someone I'm dating only). I might not be able to get the message across myself and I don't want to make them think I'm rude or don't like them before getting started.

If you have not known me for literally a few years, don't try to hug me! Stay the hell out of my bubble! No touchy!

If you need to be somewhere and I'm ranting, please just say so. I won't get mad, I just am an epic fail on that I-need-to-leave cue.

Just because I'm not talking to you does not mean I'm not enjoying the company. If you don't just want to kick it bring up something to do.

I'm really sorry if I offended you by... well whatever it was that offended you. Don't expect me to catch on that what I said upset you if you don't say something. And I'm sorry but if I don't know what offended you how am I suppose to know not to do it again?

If you haven't noticed from the last few rules, I don't take hints.

If I don't seem to be paying attention ask me a question related to the conversation. If I can answer I was, if I can't odds are I'm close to "shut down mode" and need to be left alone for a bit. Nothing personal, I DO want to pay attention to you, but sometimes I just can't if I have something else on my mind. Sorry.

Don't make me be the one to call, write, visit, text, send smoke signals all the time. It's stressful to do those things in the first place, but if I'm the only one doing them I will stop completely after so long. If you don't initiate contact for more than a month I'm going to assume you don't want me around, period.

I take treat others like you want to be treated very literally. Blow me off and don't expect me to do much for you until I get an apology. You'd get one from me.

Don't stomp on things that have fallen to the floor in my car, especially if I've gone out of my way to give you a ride and especially especially if you're not handing over some gas money. It's Utah, sudden stops are a must since no one seems to know how to use a blinker around here. Things fall off the back seat and driving stresses me out too much to care whether something fell on the way over. Homework, books, sketches, etc... are far too frequently ruined in my car so don't get all huffy if I say no ride next time you ask after you stomped mud all over something on the floor (or ripped it by sitting on it, sheesh what happened to paying attention in someone else's space?).

I'm really far more comfortable with text based communications. Talking just makes me nervous, especially over the phone.

Please don't make me go to a drive threw when I'm the one driving. I can't remember why I go in a room half the time, how am I going to remember that very fastly given list of food with specifications and drinks. Remember that waitress job? Yeah that was the only job I've EVER been fired from. And thank w/e because I hated it. (Wow, my boss was shocked - "I'm sorry to say, but your fired" "Oh thank god.")

Don't smoke in my car, it's hard to drive during an asthma attack. (Can you tell I had a bad drive today, ARGH!)

Same goes for verbal directions, lists of any kind, etc... If you want me to remember it write it down or wait till I can dig my notebook out of my purse. I will not find the house, remember the phone number, be able to do w/e you were asking me to do if it isn't written down. I know I don't look at the stupid paper again afterward, that's not the point.

Just because I'm not smiling does not mean something is wrong.

Yeah, I pretty much always have to be doing something. If I'm not doing one of my hobbies I'm usually thinking about my next or current project. I'm going to be much more engaged if my hands are busy making something or drawing than I would be idle. I have "pocket/purse size" projects for a reason, and these are always something I can do while talking.

Don't ask me what I'm reading unless I'm putting the book down. That's just rude. If I wanted to talk why would I be reading.

If I have my headphones in I'm probably listening to an audiobook. If no one is dying, it's not to do with my kid and you're not my boss - please give me a sec to press pause.

Don't give me crap about continuing the same sleep schedule when I'm not working as when I'm working. All three of my jobs are nights and its a pain to reset after the off season and I've never done well before noon anyway. (Sorry, had to rant about that one for a sec because I got a really long lecture on it from a relative after answering "So when did you wake up?" with around 1.)

I love my faith. Yes, yours is very interesting, I would love to learn more about it, I think it's wonderful that it makes you happy and whole. But try and convert me and you can expect all civility to be terminated. I will NEVER do so to you and think its not only just rude, but it's disrespectful to your own faith as well as mine. Fanatics disgust me, fake believes disgust me, and followers of any belief who think that more numbers means they win disgusts me. Explaining details of one is fine and dandy and can make for interesting conversation if the you shoulds are left out. (Oh and don't tell me I should read this religious text or that, especially as an insult. Odds are I already have and if I haven't and you did so this way I don't see what I could gain from it since it obviously didn't do you much good).

No offense... actually no get offended if you want on this: If you tell me you voted for so and so because your parent(s) did I'm going to write you off as a complete idiot. I don't care what degrees you have or IQ or whatever. You have just instantly become a moron to me and will always be so until you show that you can think for yourself. If you're going to vote for the same person as them at least have a real reason for doing so. Same goes for just voting along with your party without looking at an issue or candidate.

If you are short on time it is not a good idea to ask me about books, henna, painting, crafting, history, most sciences, politics, SG, most video games, philosophy, my pets or my kid. These topics could take awhile.

No, actually I can wait to have another one. I love my Little Monster (nickname is from him jumping out and growling during hide and seek and it makes him giggle thank you very much, so if you don't like it you can bite me), but really one is plenty. Don't give me that "but don't you want a girl now?" or "don't you miss when he was little?". He was adorable (still is), but I really don't miss being up every two hours or diapers or bottles or having to pack a ton of stuff to go to the store or being pregnant (oh especially not being pregnant). I think that people who "miss" having a baby and have one only for this reason are messed up. To me that just says you think of your kid(s) like most people think of a pet and is just as bad as having one because your marriage sucks or some other selfish reason such as that.

The question "What would you like for your birthday / valentines day / x-mas / yule / arbor day (or what ever holiday is all about the stuff lately)?" will always get the answer "I don't know". Mainly this is because I find it an embarrassing question and odds are you have just made my mind go blank by asking. Firstly because I don't know how to react to something as affectionate as actually caring what I want. Second, I'm a little mystified as to why it would be ever asked. I thought the thought was suppose to be the most important and the surprise was part of the process. I will treasure a gift, even if I hate the item, if the giving was genuine. No offense, but asking seems a little like cheating.
(This manual is a work in progress, but seeing as its already REALLY long I'll stop here.)

I think it's a wonderful idea. I wish my Aspie friend came with a manual. I'd be willing to write one if he asked.

If I had a manual you'd probably require a neural interface, the entire Rush discography, a copy of Manly Hall's "The Secret Teachings of All Ages", a carton of cigarettes, the Subtle Knife, and a 2-month supply of Smart Water. And that's just for Section 1.

Kidding...sorta.

1. One of the main things with me is that you need to be direct with me. I know this is typical of people with AS, but before I even knew about that I've told people that I don't take hints, I don't play games, and I don't read minds. This is, without a doubt, one of the biggest reasons I've not kept a relationship for very long. People just can't grasp the fact that I don't pick up on their cues. Hopefully, this settles the matter.

2. I cannot be pressured into things. If you keep insisting, I'll get pissed and probably yell at you.

3. If I'm not paying you any attention, it doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm in my world for a while. Leave your name and a message and I'll get back to you ASAP. I may also not respond to you when you say my name. Same thing applies. My brain isn't registering you, but whatever it is I'm focusing on. I hear you, and I've made a mental note that you request my attention, so I WILL get back to you. If it's urgent, then say so.

4. If I seem arrogant about something, that's not my intention, and it doesn't come from any kind of superiority complex. My allegiance is to honesty and truth. I don't believe in pretending to be anything less than who I am for the sake of other people's feelings. As one of my favorite authors once said, "it is your own choice to be offended."

5. Please refrain from sex talk. I have nothing to say on that matter, and I don't find it amusing.

6. I do not appreciate being accused of lying, cheating or stealing, because those very things go completely against my character.

7. I may not be good with empathy, but I know when someone is full of s**t.

8. I'm not a jealous person, and I do not tolerate jealousy, either. Please give me the benefit of the doubt. As I said above, I value honesty and truth. I'm not about to betray myself.

9. I have a tendency to exile people who betray my trust, or people who give me good enough reasons to not consider them a friend. Over time I may consider a truce, but after that, I'm done. It may be something you feel is completely trivial, and you may try to reconcile, but to me it's treason against the body politic.

10. Overall, make an effort to communicate with me. Ask me questions, don't make assumptions. I'm more than eager to discuss things and solve problems. Giving up isn't something I believe in. And understanding that I have ways about me that I cannot change will help us both out in the long run.

11) If I don't keep eye contact when talking or listening to you, it doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Eye contact is just very weird for me, as it is with most people with AS.

12) I'm extremely irritated by certain sounds such as the clanging of dishes and pans, the sound of silverware clanging or squealing against a dish (I tend to use paper plates as much as possible), loud voices (when I'm not mentally prepared for it), children screaming or crying, and repetitive beeping. Probably others.

13) If I'm ranting on about something that bores you, please let me know. I'm getting better at figuring it out, but it still helps to be told.

14) I've spent over a decade researching various subjects including religion and politics. I cannot be swayed or convinced of anything you might think is true. Everyone must come to their own conclusions on their own time. I do not use faith as a means of proof for anything.

15a) I generally don't mind hugs, but if you refrain from giving me one, I'm not going to be disappointed. Affection is weird for me unless I'm in a relationship. Even I think it's weird. I can't hug my own parents without feeling bothered, but I love to cuddle.

15b) On the matter of relationships, be patient with me. As partially mentioned above, empathy is not something I'm very good at. My brain takes leave when someone is crying. If you need comfort, tell me so.

16. Do NOT tickle me. You will be most likely be kicked in the face, and then I'll be stressed and pissy for the next half hour.

Excellent idea there Lotus.

will take a bit to sort out what to put in it.

"The Care and Feeding of your Aspie"

That would be one of the most convoluted manuals to understand.

Wow. Great list, Landon. Thanks.

1. Married NT Women, please don't think you can bond with me by making broad, negative generalizations about men and expect me to agree. I like men. I married one. (Since you did too, don't you?) I am androgynous inside and identify *with* both male and female characteristics. As a result, I hate seeing either gender being pigeonholed innaccurately that way.

2. Babies may make your heart melt like chocolate but do nothing for me so don't be surprised if I don't want to hold your child. Also, just because I'm female doesn't mean I want to babysit or that I care about the intricacies of diaper changing and other icky-to-me stuff.

Also, don't act as if my special interests ("hobbies") are empty substitutes for the children you think I (and every other woman) "need" to have. They are not. Also, I don't need to "get a life" I have one, thank you, one as valid as the one you chose.

3. Please don't invite me over if you're going to spend most of the time while I'm there watching tv or making phone calls. If you're going to do that, what's the point of inviting me over?

4. I know it's a funeral, etc. but don't expect me to cry in public. I almost never do. Doesn't mean I don't feel anything.

5. I know I'm quiet and shy. I KNOW. When I do something brave don't basically tell me that I am brave and did a great job for a shy person. It makes me want to retreat permanently into my shell. I wasn't always shy...I was made that way.

6. If I cough or am lightly choking do not strike me on the back. Handing me some water or a cough drop is fine but striking me brings back horrendous memories. Don't punch me in the arm in an attempt to be jovial either.

7. Yes, I fell down the stars, tripped, etc. but don't look at me funny if I don't walk around complaining of the physical pain I am quietly feeling. I don't work that way. Usually what I really need is just to quietly sit down for a second.

8. If you sincerely want to help me when I'm feeling vulnerable, don't tell me to let you know if I need any help if it's obvious I need it. Just ask me what help I need...don't make me beg for it. In stressful times, ego-salvaging open-ended questions work best for me. (What can I do for you? is a good start.) Otherwise, the answer you get will be an automatic, "I just need to be alone right now."

9. I am not a mind reader (and don't want to be one). If I fail to read your mind don't get mad at me. Ask directly and in most cases you will receive.

10. Long baths are therapy for me, not a waste of time and water. Also, when I shower, I do it just before bed instead of in the morning.

11. It takes of lot of emotional energy for me to plan a visit with friends. Don't decide not to come at the last minute and NEVER CALL (like one former friend did), then act like it was no big deal the next day and hardly mention it. I will freeze you out and cross you off the trust list. Goodbye. My time is valuable to me, and if I chose to invite you then that means I deserve a courtesy call. I don't care if you're going to be late as long as you call. Anything less than that is disrespectful of my time, energy, and effort.

12. Don't just drop in and invite yourself. See #11. If you do, don't be offended when I say I'm too busy to see you. I often am. Call first.

13. If I ask you for a favor and you can't do it, TELL me you can't. Don't say yes, then avoid me like I have the plague and make me go over deadline. The earlier you tell me that you can't help me, the more time I'll have to ask (or perhaps hire) someone else. I'll do the same for you.

14. NT Women: Organized holidays don't mean much to me. So don't act like we are space aliens when you ask what I got/gave for Valentine's Day, my birthday, Christmas, etc. and the answer is nothing. We try to be thoughtful in a natural, organic way every day so material gifts aren't that meaningful to us. When we do give gifts, they are usually gifts of experience (ie. a picnic, a day trip, tickets to a classical concert).

My specifications:

-Species: H. s. sapiens
-Race: Caucasian, Semite
-Conservation status: Endangered
-Gender: Male
-Male type: GTM® , Gamma Type Male -very radioactive
-Type of personality(MBTI): INTJ
-Mental State: Stable
-Mental Type : Untypical
-Size: 5"3'
-Weight: 56 Kg
-DS: 16 cm (full)
-Body type: Slim, Medium Hairy Type®
-Belly type: Flat TM
-Ass type : Assy
-Eye color: Brown
-IQ: ~115 to 120
-EQ: ~10
-Faith : Atheist
-School of philosophy: I don't give a s**t
-Fart Power: 100 km/s, Very toxic

-Price: priceless

I did one that I put on facebook a while ago, and my friends were ok (and in some cases enlightened)

Sooo, I'll cut and paste mine here.