Theory about a girl I know: Am I a stalker or not?

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Okay I need some advice/feedback here. This'll be a long one (post) so hang on. Okay, so a year and a half ago, I decided I wanted to get a girl's phone number. First, let me explain why I thought I should date her. First, she is an aspie like me and I was very rigid at that time and didn't want to ask any NT girls out, thus only dating them if they took the time to ask me out. I also really was able to emotionally connect with her, so to speak. Continuing, I asked her for her email address next time I saw her, to be on the safe side. So then (as I kind of expected as a possibility) she decided to ask if we should exchange cell phone numbers instead. I obviously said yes, as that was part of my plan. We then did so, and I talked to her again the next day. The next day, I had a short conversation with her, before she said she had to go do chores (which could have possibly been an excuse, but maybe not, as I'll explain later). It's downhill from here. I called her again like three days later, left a message, and never heard back, even to this day. I absolutely did not see her at the group I usually saw her at for a year, almost to the day. I saw her again finally, and I asked her if she still had her cell phone, she said no, and then after talking to one of her friends for a few seconds far away from me, she came up to me and said she couldn't date me because she was already dating another guy whom she was going to go to prom with. I said okay in the most positive laid-back way possible and said goodbye and left. I'm now going to go back to the start of this whole thing and go through this again, explaining my theory about each event as opposed to just what happened. I would like some of you to read this and tell me whether you think this is logical or not. Reason why is because I tend to draw illogical conclusions so I really could use some help sorting this out.

My theory is that possibly C (I don't want to post her whole name) decided to try and avoid me from (almost) the beginning. Why? I'll explain why in this post and you can tell me whether this is logical or not. My developing theory, is that when I first (and last) talked to her on the phone on May 2, 2008, I kind of set a bad impression (I was very inexperienced back then) and kind of set the impression that I was trying to date her and didn't want friendship at all (either that, or that's how she interpreted it). The truth is, I would have been fine with friendship if she didn't want to date. Anyway, early on in the conversation, she said she wanted to go to a movie with a friend of hers, a friend of mine, her, and me. My theory is, either she decided later on in the conversation, that she didn't think I'd be worth pursuing, or her parents or someone else important in her life talked her out of pursuing it not too much later (like probably that weekend, because the conversation was on a Friday). Reason why I think so, is because things pretty much were downhill from there. I called her next Monday, heard nothing. Called that Friday, heard nothing. Called a few more times over the next few weeks, heard nothing, and this is about the time she lost her phone, as I found/figured out later. This could have been so she could avoid me, which would totally match a pattern of something she did today (at the time of this writing) relating to Twitter, that I will explain later in this post. When I finally got courage to text her the Sunday before my 17th birthday that November, someone who apparently was her sister responded like "I'll tell her you want to talk to her". By this time, I'm actually wondering now, if I was beginning to have the reputation of a stalker to her family, and that I should be totally avoided. It didn't end there. On the first day of 2009, I tried calling the cell phone number and talked to an unknown person who I asked if they could have C call me back, and I'm wondering if this is the same sister who texted me back earlier on. Never heard anything from C after that, obviously. Finally, April came around and I saw her again two days before the first anniversary of the phone conversation. When this happened, she might have coincidentially been lucky (then again maybe not) that she had a date for prom that she could use as an excuse, so I wouldn't continue to try to ask her out. I'm not saying she outright lied about this guy she went to prom with, but that coincidence could have taken place. I remember she was nervous about rejecting me though, and she had to talk to a friend to help her beef up the courage. I think the nervousness might have been related to my "stalker" reputation (as mentioned earlier). So after that, I saw her in the group a few times. I must also mention, if it is true that I'm being seen as a stalker and she's trying to avoid me, she does a great job of being polite about avoiding me. This brings me to the Twitter incident (similar to the phone incident). I found out she was on Twitter a few months ago. I decided to follow her after a month of thinking about whether I should do it or not. Just today (at the time of this writing) it appears that she deleted her Twitter account altogether. Do you see how this is similar to what I wrote earlier about the phone or just about her in general? Keep in mind she is also an Aspie that I know relatively little about so that could either mean that my theory is right on the money or that the actual situation is 100% opposite of what I think it is. I really want to get the stalker theory squared away because I am an aspie who makes mistakes and completely doesn't mean to be stalker but can come across as one. Is this theory logical or not?

Also, when it comes to dating her at this point, if my theory is correct, then I really don't care about dating her anymore, I just want to learn from this year and a half of one mistake after another and move on. But if my theory is completely illogical, she may still be worth talking to. What do all of you think? Oh and also, if you have any questions about my post, feel free to include them in your reply because I tend to leave a lot of details hanging or simply type entire paragraphs that make little sense.

UberElvis wrote:

I think you are glossing over this bad impression. It sounds to me like you seem obsessive to her and you scared her off. Anything you do now (except for backing off) is going to make it worse. Why is it you say you don't know her very well but you note the anniversary of a phone call to her? I would just chalk it up to experience and let it go. I understand, I hate being ignored and misunderstood too but it's better in the long run that way. Once you get a reputation as a stalker you are pretty much branded. Not good.

That's what I was afraid of. I really didn't mean for any of this to happen and I was hoping the complete opposite would take place. From what I've typed (anyone can answer this), does it sound like I screwed up pretty much everywhere, or is there a particularly part of this incident where I screwed up? I absolutely do not want this to happen again next time I decide to start talking to a girl. And about obsessiveness, that's probably 100% true. I couldn't stop thinking about her before and after the whole thing. Oh and if anyone else has input on this, please post it!

You may have screwed up at any of the points in the timeline you documented. But any of your acts would have to be perceived as a screw-up by C, and we don't have any information about her state of mind, view of you, dating status, or other clues that would help.

A rule I learned about women around the time I reached age 36 is that if they say they are not interested, move on to someone else. As an Aspie, I simply cannot tell if their statement has any subtext or other meaning beyond their words, so I take them at their word and that's it.

I've only dated a few times in my life, so I base this rule on limited experience. But it has the virtue of being systematic and simple, which reduces my stress level. It's been over seven years since I started a relationship of any form, but I'm confident this rule would still serve me well.

I agree with Aimless's conclusion: leave C alone, find someone who is interested in you, and pursue her. Avoid getting a reputation as obsessive or clingy (or a stalker, of course).

Yeah after the whole rejection thing I should have never even searched for her on Twitter. Shoot, by now I'm probably known as "Uber Stalker". I really hope I don't get told about to other people now. This whole thing took place about 50 miles from my town in a different town that I go to for the group and I was thinking about moving there after graduation (not because of the girl in this thread, but just because I like that town) but my point is, if word spreads around that I'm a stalker in that town (it's a medium-sized city, not a small town, but it could still happen), by the time I move there, I might have trouble getting a long let alone dating anyone! I'm wondering though, can anyone tell me how I can absolutely make sure that I avoid doing this in the future with any girl? I do not want to make an almost two year long mistake again. I must also note that I didn't really try to date anyone else at all during the last year and a half because I always thought to myself, "Oh, I should wait and see what happens with C." I am so frustrated that this whole incident happened and that I could have made it a lot smaller scale than it turned out.

OMG, this rings so true in my own life that I'm gutted thinking about it. If only I'd known to put this into practice years ago, I might've saved myself some serious heartache (and some suicidal ideation, to boot).

When male friends with whom I had sexual relations (not simultaneously, haha! ), and who I thought actually cared about me, told me variously, "You should probably find someone else to sleep with," and "I could have any girl in this room!" (while the guy in question and I were at a concert), and told a mutual acquaintance who, seeing us together frequently, made the grave but understandable mistake of assuming that we were in the midst of a serious romantic relationship, "She's NOT my girlfriend!", I really should have believed them. I didn't, not just because I'm horribly naive and inexperienced, but because their affectionate behavior had seemed so sweet and attentive and genuine ("loving"?) that I had no way of knowing that I actually meant nothing whatsoever to them. To say that I felt used and humiliated after we parted ways would be an understatement.

Apparently the rule is to call once and leave a message, and maybe a second time just to be sure it's not a dropped message.

I think you probably came over as too keen and obsessive, and scared her off. Hopefully you'll have learned from that, and will manage better in the future.

I actually did read about that after it was too late. That part is a shame and was probably a large part of my problem.



I think I have learned from that. There were loads of things I didn't know about dating when this whole thing started. It probably is pointless to try to revive this whole thing.

But you're not a stalker unless you're actually stalking her. And you don't have bad intentions, so I wouldn't feel bad about it.

That is very true. I apologize if I didn't make it clear that in calling myself a "stalker" I was referring to her point of view. I wasn't really putting myself down other than about the fact that I made a relatively serious mistake.

I think of myself as somewhat experienced as I've dated a good number of girls. This may be harsh, but Aoi is right in thinking that if a girl says she has no interest in dating you, she doesn't say it to make you try harder. She says it because she wants to get rid of you.

The statement "I have no interest in dating you." does not open for any alternative interpretation. Especially if she has AS.

The recurring advice here is to forget about her and try to find another girl even if it stings.

Good luck!

Some people (myself included) don't like to be called every day or at all especially not for small talk.

One thing you cannot do is plan everything. However on the other hand just talking with no objective in mind is no good either.

let it go and move on. If the idea of letting it go bothers you, then write her an apology (do not give it to her, give it to her sister or a mutual friend and let them read it first and then take it to her) explaining that you have a hard time understanding what someone wants if they do not come out and tell you directly and that your pursuit for an answer was too aggressive. And that you apologize if your miscommunication may have caused her distress. State that you now understand that she does not want to communicate with you and you will give her space.


then move on and never contact her again.

I was in the same situation. I had a friend who I had known for two years. She had AS and the same interests as me. While a relationship was not possible, I tried to keep a friendship. But communication (primarily by e-mail, occasionally IM) went from once a day to once a month--overnight. Then at the beginning of this year, contact was cut completely. After about a couple of months of not hearing from her, I sent her an e-mail stating that I hadn't heard from her in a while and was getting concerned. It didn't work, so I tried IM. I was blocked, yet I did nothing to her. In June, I asked a friend to contact her to find out what was going on, and this meant having to give my friend her e-mail address. I finally got a reply on June 16, and she was angry for trying to contact her. I was simply wanting to know what was going on, and she was acting as if I was some sort of stalker, despite her promise to "never disappear without a reason", a promise she broke.

I sent her one more e-mail apologizing for giving my friend her e-mail address, but she never accepted my apology. I did everything to save the friendship, but it didn't work.

She was the only fellow conservative who liked the things I like, and now I have to pretend to be liberal to make like-minded friends.

Checking to much on her online can make a creepy impression. The best way to avoid situation like these is to first aclimate to her friends and so or find some comon topic of interrest.

In a talking situation:
There are a little test i use to determine if a girl is sexually attracted, wich is by no way fool proof, but a good working solution. Touch her at soft body spots like under arms or hips or tights, stroke gentle like stroking a cat, may be let your hand lie there for a few seconds . If she ressists or shoves you away try again after 1 minute then after 30 minutes try again. As long as she smiles all is fine if she slaps you or her voice changes give up on her. Its kinda sleezy but it work.

Even normal people cant read each other perfectly esspecially when they are drunk so being at a party may give you a good excuse for a little to much forward momentum.