awkwardness is frustrating

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I'm socially awkward in general, and the awkwardness is really amplified in romantic or sexual situations, which is very frustrating. I don't have very much experience (and I think if I didn't happen to be female, I wouldn't have any). I have a friend with benefits at the moment, and our friendship is somewhat ambiguous. (I think we both like feeling close to someone but are resisting relationship territory.) The thing is, he's just as awkward as me. It's been a real eye-opener, seeing my own awkwardness mirrored in someone else. I know it's frustrating for both of us.

I don't know how to initiate anything physical. I don't know how to say what's on my mind. I just feel like there's a great, invisible force holding me back, and it won't go away. The best I can do is suggest we watch porn together, but half the time, that still doesn't lead to anything. We both have sensory issues and don't normally like human contact, but we're both improving in that area a little. It's gotten to a point where we can at least snuggle a little, and I run my fingers through his hair. But he doesn't want to make out, and he doesn't touch me much.

I'm tired of the awkwardness. I wish we could just get past it and figure things out. The funny thing is, when we became friends and he suggested we get together since we were both single, I laughed and said we'd probably end up just sitting next to each other, playing video games. And that's pretty much what happens when we get together.

You know when you think about it, what could be less spontaneous than porn? They just go at it like they're digging a ditch. After a certain point it doesn't really matter how it started.

Spontaneous!? Such language! How dare you spew such filth in this sacred place! Spontaneous, indeed! :::shudder::: I need a shower... Wait...I have to make a plan...

spon...tan...eous

I think porn creates unrealistic expectations.

Try exploring what sort of sensations each of you enjoy... what sort of touch, fabrics, lotions, water, fudge, tight leather... learn about your pleasures together. It doesn't have to culminate in sex, just try to find what you can mutually enjoy.

You don't need to rut around like a couple of dogs to have a satisfying intimate partnership. YOU define your pleasure, not anyone else.

Dump society's programming and find your own delight.

Yeah, I know it creates unrealistic expectations. For both genders. The thing is, he's kind of a porn addict, and I love porn too, and it's less awkward sitting down to watch other people do it.

We've talked about what we're interested in trying, but when it comes to actually trying things, we both just freeze up.

Well, maybe just watching is all you need then. Maybe THAT'S your pleasure and only the idea that there should be more is what is making you think it's not enough. Maybe snuggling and watching porn is your sex. Like in the movie "Being There" with Peter Sellers and Shirley Maclaine.

Don't work so hard to be someone you're not.

Just accept it and enjoy it.

My best advice would simply be to push the envelope; no matter how awkward stuff feels, just force yourself to do it anyway and eventually you will get used to it and become more comfortable with each other. Do it blatantly, awkwardly, and most important, frequently. Get used to forcing yourself to say something even when it feels almost excruciatingly painful to say it. If you have trouble initiating physical contact, then just go for the simplest, most direct thing you can: Say "Let's have sex!" and rip your clothes off, even if doing so makes you feel like you want to cry.

When myself and my fiancée (we're both aspies, met on this very forum in fact) first got together, things were pretty awkward between us at first, but once we had been together for just a couple of days, as we did more and more intimate things together it stopped being 'unfamiliar territory' and the awkwardness pretty much just evaporated.

I'd equate this situation to something like ripping off a bandage. If you're going to try to take baby steps because of the awkward feelings, the resistance will be too much and it will keep pushing you back indefinitely. What you have to do is just rip it off and get past the hump, which is going to take a lot of effort and make you feel extremely uncomfortable and perhaps overwhelmed for a short time, but in the long run it will strengthen you, make you more confident, etc. because you will gain perspective and know that what you've been doing thus far isn't really that bad. You will eventually condition yourself to push that awkwardness to the side, and moreso, your mind works in a fascinating way; it also self conditions so that if you *act* a certain way, you will eventually actually come to *feel* that way. Your mind is always subconsciously working to integrate your feelings with your actions in order to maintain a dignified self image.

As an example, PoWs in Vietnam were often gradually brainwashed by their captors, forced to at first write small sentences saying bad things about the American government, with comparatively huge rewards offered for what seemed so trivial, but this was slowly scaled up until they were writing full blown hate speeches, and their minds were slowly tricked into adopting the stance themselves bit by bit. However, the slow transition was a method used in order to slowly slip this idea into the PoWs heads against their will; in your case, since you will be intentionally trying to put the idea in your own head, you can skip right to the last step.

So what I'd do is to encourage your FWB as best you can to just dive into it balls deep and do the most intense, out there, awkwardness-inducing stuff you can possibly think of, but be prepared to suck it up because it's going to be a wild ride for both of you (forgive the pun overload, I just couldn't resist ). After that, any more vanilla stuff is going to seem like child's play.

You may want to have some drinks beforehand if that helps either of you.

maybe he just wants you to take the lead.

I do like watching porn, and when I'm by myself, that's enough for me. But when someone else is around, I like some amount of physical contact. I don't really like intercourse (too painful), but foreplay is awesome, and I'll take what I can get. It's just that in the past, the people I fooled around with basically initiated things, and then we just went from there, and that worked for me. I don't know how to take initiative myself, and neither does he. So it's like we both want to but don't know where to start. In my head, I tell myself, "you just have to go up, grab him by the shoulders, and kiss him," but then I freeze up and think, "no, he wouldn't like that, and I haven't kissed anyone in a year, and I'd probably miss, and then bla bla bla excuses..."

I find it easier to communicate in writing, so I'm open when we talk online, and we discuss what we're interested in trying. So we have the "theory" part down, it's just putting it into practice that's hard. I did a writing exercise (to help me get over feeling awkward writing love and sex scenes in my novel) where I basically wrote out some of my fantasies, and I showed it to him. I usually have a hard time communicating, so it's a big improvement that I can open up about sex, but I feel like there's little point in talking about what you want to do if both people are too awkward to actually do it.

Maybe I'll just pounce on him the next time I see him. (He lives in another state but comes to visit every few weeks or so and may end up renting a room from me in a few months.) I'll just push his laptop out of the way and crawl on top of him or something. I know it gets easier with practice, so I'll just make myself do it.

Yeah, sometimes you just have to close your eyes, jump out of the plane and hope the parachute works!

I've only gone splat a couple of times, and the successes made it worth it.

Good luck!

Two key areas for me: How old are you and how long have you been together?

Without knowing your background or prior experiences, you may be simply going through a normal relationship growth period. You explore, find out what each one likes and your comfort zones.

Do you need to push it? Sometimes, if the relationship becomes stale or you're worried about stagnation. But to push it because you think you do (without external needs), would seem to be an invitation to awkwardness.

But aside from that, lets assume you want to move and he's ambivalent or waiting for you to take the initiative. Forcing him may not be the best thing (I get annoyed sometimes when what your proposing happens) but finding a good time is tough.

Booze gives a convenient excuse. Just enough to be convenient, but not so much to impact performance.

I'm 26, and he's 21. Neither of us has much experience (he didn't have any before he met me), so that's a big part of it. We've been good friends for 2 years (with flirtation going on most of the time), and things got kind of physical in December. He lives a couple hours away, so I only see him maybe once a month. (If he gets a couple days off work, he visits.) He might be renting a room in my basement in a few months, since he's trying to finish college and move out of his parents' house. At this point, it's really a friends-with-benefits situation. We're both not really sure if we want a relationship at this point, and I'm fine with the situation as long as we can get past the awkwardness.

I talked to him on the phone last night, and it seems like the biggest obstacle is "touching" issues. I'm not sure if he's an aspie or not (we have similar sensory and touching issues, and we're both very socially awkward), but that's been an obstacle for both of us. We're improving slowly, but it's hard knowing when to act and when to back off.

Going to assume the relationship "started" in December then. You've had roughly 10 serious encounters, which most folks would have gone through in the first month in the relationship. Yes, there's email/phone contact, but that doesn't subsitute for face time (plus face time takes longer cuz the little things are generally lost)

Seems normal

Then there's the age thing. I don't know any 21 year old males out there who are a) mature or b) know what they want. I have known several males (okay, a couple turned out gay and one has serious relationship issues) who had serious intimacy issues up until their mid 20's.

With that in mind...

I would accept that he's "bashful" and since he's with an older woman, expects you to take charge. I would understand the relationship is in its infancy BUT there's a ticking clock of expectations somewhere (back of his mind). You may not feel comfortable, but you're going to be expected to be in the lead in this relationship.

So how (when I was 21) would have liked an older woman to treat me? Assuming I was bashful, I'd like to be seduced. Doesn't have to be rushed, a good time out leading to sex (oral included) would have been icing on the cake. Add in sex in unusual places and that would have kept my various levels entertained.

Heh, well he certainly doesn't know what he wants, but we're both pretty immature. He's probably more mature than me, actually. I may be older and more established in my life, but I'm basically 8 years old in terms of maturity. Maybe that's why I like 'em young.

I guess in some ways he expects me to lead in terms of sexy things. In a lot of other matters he tries to be the leader. Like he'll tell me we're going to clean my kitchen, as if he has the right to tell me what to do. According to him, I need to be told what to do or I won't do it otherwise (because I really am lazy about house work), and he's trying to be helpful. But bossing me around just annoys me. I don't want to lead, and I don't want him to lead either. I just want to be equals. I want us to take turns initiating, but we both seem to have a problem initiating. But I guess if this is going to go anywhere, I just need to suck it up and figure out how to be seductive or something.

I'm all for enjoying the ride and not rushing things, but sometimes it takes too long, and then you both have technical difficulties after 3 hours or so. (That's become a running joke between us.) But hey, I'm all for oral. Either giving or receiving. No problem with that. Once things get started, I can keep them going (for a while, anyway) with no problem. It's just getting things going that's awkward.

I'm in the same boat as you. Awkwardness stopped me from starting a relationship with a girl who cared for me a lot. Confusion much more so, but the awkwardness was devastating nonetheless.