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cyberfox007
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13 Sep 2009, 4:40 pm

Hello everyone

i wanna say something that has been eating away at me for months now. All of a sudden, a large number of my friends have recently announced engagements, planning to get married or just recently gotten married. As much i am happy for them and i wish them well, it also becomes a severe reality check as what my current relationship status of being single and im developing a fear that i may never find that special someone and .

This has caused me to withdraw myself and try to find why i can't find someone, but in doing so im not being sociable, something i must do to improve my social skills in hopes of finding the right person. Given my last few failed relationships, i have used them as teachers as what is expected from me in becoming a partner form whomever i want to share my life with.

With these sudden marriages and engagements that are happening i fell as if i am being the only person that is not in a relationship and feeling left out in the mud.

But i do see a positive side to it. i don't have to contend with all the negative things associated relationships such as arguments and breakups and i can focus my attentions on the things that matter such as finishing my degree.

well that's how i see it



Aoi
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13 Sep 2009, 7:10 pm

It's a phase I recall well. The people I knew mostly got married around the same time, or committed to a permanent monogamous relationship. At that point I had had two girlfriends, so was very far behind. I'm now further behind...

I view it as a matter of priorities and capabilities. I have little desire to be in a relationship, and little ability to handle one either. Maybe that will change someday, but for now being single is working well overall.



Merle
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14 Sep 2009, 3:58 am

I'd agree, it's a phase from what I can tell and typically happens to the mid 20 girls with guys from the 20's up to the mid 30's.

Just assume you're being left out for a while... so? 50% of those marriages are going to end in divorce. The majority of the parties aren't going to be happy and they'll basically squander time and energy trying to make it work.

So why not do it right? Take your time, find the right person and figure out who you are.

Instead of trying to figure out why you're not like everyone else is... fruitless. You're not. You're you.



cyberfox007
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14 Sep 2009, 8:10 am

Yah i was thinking the same thing, relationships are temporary no mater how you see it. i guess in the time it takes for relationships to come and go, il be able to find the right one in that time.



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14 Sep 2009, 9:55 am

I am in my late thirties now, but I remember going through the whole 'everybody I know is pairing up" time of my life.

One of the difficult aspects of this time is finding that I was spending a lot less time with people I had gotten to know well and be comfortable with. Their life was changing, whereas I felt mine was stagnating.

I think that it is important to keep in contact with your friends who have paired up or gotten married (and had kids) - but you will definately be spending LESS time with them. An acquaintance once summed up changing lives and relationships this way, "We have people in our life for a reason and a season". Keep cordial with your friends/acquaintances, but realize that their "seasons" are changing in a new direction and that their priorities and reasons for being with you and other people will change as well.

Keep active and enjoy your interests. Make an effort to occasionally try new things. Socialize as much as you are comfortable with. Avoid desperation dating (just dating someone because you don't want to be alone). That is unfair to both yourself and the person you are dating.

It's important to respect that you will do things in your own time. Having a committed partnership in the form of a girlfriend/boyfriend, engagement or marriage is not necessarily "moving forward" - it is changing. There are other ways to grow and change besides having a partner. Celebrate all the ways that you are growing and changing (learning new skills, becoming more comfortable with yourself and others in your family/social circle, having new experiences, etc). All of these things are as valid as being a couple - they are just change in a different way.



Shebakoby
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14 Sep 2009, 11:39 am

When they speak of their problems/breakups/divorces, I do not envy them one bit. Or feel left out.



cyberfox007
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14 Sep 2009, 5:51 pm

Thanks for your responces

But i am surprised that you all are calling it a phase. im pretty sure that its something i am gonna contend with for quite some time. but this feeling is get is only temporary and it comes back like every once in a while.



Merle
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14 Sep 2009, 6:02 pm

cyberfox, ball park, how old are ya? If you're in your 40's or 50's, I'm surprised you haven't seen this cycle. 20 something - yeah, I feel for you. It's rough the first go 'round.

Canadianrose was right on.

It's almost like a fire that gets started in the woods, anything that will burn catches. However, once all the easily combustibles are gone, you go another couple of years before the next conflaguration. In the last year, 5 weddings and 5 kids being born. Ten years ago, the exact same thing. Interspersed are smatterings of kids being born.



cyberfox007
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15 Sep 2009, 7:53 am

I am in my mid-20's and i totally agree with CanadianRose.

I hope its only just a phase and not just something i gotta face again in a a few years from now. i am concentrating on the things that matter to me such as finishing up my degree, planing a trip to Japan and such. i really wish to have a relationship but i guess in the situation im in now, i don't need the distraction of a significant other coz it would not make me able to concentrate in getting what i need to get. sure i will have to live with the stigma of what i had said in my initial post but i its only a felling or thought that i can just simply get rid of in an instant and just take that energy and apply it to where it matters most.



Merle
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15 Sep 2009, 11:45 am

Quote:
I hope its only just a phase and not just something i gotta face again in a a few years from now


See ya in a decade :)

The 30 something women I know hits the same phase plus the biological clock begins to tick louder so doubles the pressure.



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15 Sep 2009, 12:03 pm

Evry friend I've had is married. So I know where you're coming from, I think this is the same reason why some people can't wait to move into a studio apartment from their parent's place, they want the responsibility and independence. Most people just don't realize what they're getting into. When people realize that the happily ever after doesn't last long, divorces start to look good.

I'm 26 and I'm not paying child support. Single mothers have a difficult time getting another relationship, most men want fewer hassles. I know this doesn't feel good for you, but I think you deserve a congratulations more than a negative self assessment.

When I'm done with my schooling, I'll just get back into the market. If I can't find someone my age who's kid free, I'll just have to go younger. Just keep that in mind when you're pusing forward, you'll be taken care of when you make it to the finish line.



cyberfox007
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16 Sep 2009, 7:10 pm

I seem to be over this process now but i can rest assured that it may come back again...thanks for hearing me out!



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16 Sep 2009, 8:09 pm

Here's a question, when your friends get married, do you stay friends with them? For me, I usually don't. Once they're married, they just don't have time to "be friends" anymore. Out of the friends/acquaintances I've had that have gotten married, I've only remained friends with one of them.



Merle
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16 Sep 2009, 8:14 pm

Bataar wrote:
Here's a question, when your friends get married, do you stay friends with them? For me, I usually don't. Once they're married, they just don't have time to "be friends" anymore. Out of the friends/acquaintances I've had that have gotten married, I've only remained friends with one of them.


Yes... but. It's definately tougher. Usually they're a couple before they get married and if you're friends with the couple, there's little change. What usually is the breaking point is when they first get their own place and second when they have kids.

Both take time away from you and ultimately, you're not hanging with them and the relationship dies.

Want to fix it? Become part of the new extended family. Don't care? Find some other friends.



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16 Sep 2009, 8:22 pm

Merle wrote:
I'd agree, it's a phase from what I can tell and typically happens to the mid 20 girls with guys from the 20's up to the mid 30's.

Just assume you're being left out for a while... so? 50% of those marriages are going to end in divorce. The majority of the parties aren't going to be happy and they'll basically squander time and energy trying to make it work.

So why not do it right? Take your time, find the right person and figure out who you are.

Instead of trying to figure out why you're not like everyone else is... fruitless. You're not. You're you.


I agree 100%. I have felt like this plenty of times. Yes, it sucks not having a partner to do things with, while everyone else does, but it relieves me to know over half of them are wasting their time, energy, and money on someone that isn't right for them.