Where I'm at.

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Like I may have mentioned in other threads, I'm not looking to casually date. Did that, not my thing. I realize sometimes people go on a few dates or even date for a while and it doesn't work out. I don't mind that. I'm just sick of going on one date and finding out that the woman and I have absolutely nothing in common. It's not disappointing as much as it is awkward and a waste of time.

So recently, unless I feel there is potential for at least a friendship, if not dating or exclusivity, I don't bother. I do two things now, 1.)I search on dating sites and myspace, read the profiles and look at the pictures and see if the woman looks and sounds like someone I'd work well with and be attracted to. 2.)In person, I ignore the "sexy" girls and concentrate on the non-mainstream women that look like they aren't models or 10s. I'm in no way stereotyping all models/10s to be women that are snobby, high-maintenance, and wanting to date jocks or rich guys. I know that isn't the case. But models/10s have a lot of men by the minute, let alone the hour or the day, trying to take them away from you or get in their pants, and they also have a lot of options to choose from. I want a woman that I'm her everything and she sees me at the same level I see her, that is, as two quality individuals meant for each other.

I realize that in person makes more sense than online. Less variables, more to the point, etc., but as far as online dating, how do you speed up the process and take steps forward to the woman wanting to meet without being pushy? I'm talking to a woman right now that I know is right for me...attractive enough physically...similar taste in music, similar interests...but she's never met a guy online (says she will meet eventually, but not anytime soon.) I don't push it, but at the same time, she's barely on and we don't have enough time to build a rapport. We've only had one "long conversation" and just a bunch of 5 minute chats after that. She isn't brushing me off...she's genuinely busy because it says she's idle when she says she has to go, but what I'm getting at is that we aren't going to meet even a month or two from now with 5 minute chats. And most women. even the more available-to-talk women, are in no hurry to meet.

Last edited by therange on 03 Oct 2009, 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sometimes the best thing is patience. If you know you have a good thing, why ruin it by being pushy? There's two players in this, her and you. Therefore, I think there needs to be a middle ground. Some sort of compromise. How long have you been getting to know her? For someone who has never made the leap of talking to someone online to meeting them IRL, the first time can be a scary so it may take her longer.

Besides, women tend to be more reluctant in this area. She'll want to meet you when she feels she's ready. Until then you can't really push her unless you want to push her away.

Speed = desperate.

Which is all about you and has nothing to do with her level of comfort or sense of safety. Is that really how you want to come across?

Major unrealistic expectation... no one is another person's 'everything'. You can't be that for her--especially if she's NT--and she can't be that for you. A healthy, long-term relationship is one that shares but does not own... my partner and I love each other very much and are well-suited to each other, but we still have outside friends and interests. We do things independently... it makes our dinnertime conversation much more interesting.

And sometimes we each just want a break from the other person.

And it's not always easy, there's lots of dialogue and compromise, but the pleasure of facing life together is worth it. We aren't 'meant for each other' but we certainly enjoy each other's company immensely.

There's a show I watch every now and then which I'll quote: "Fours date fours, sevens date sevens and nines date nines" -- House M.D.

For whatever reason, that's generally how things work out. People may justify it via the high maintenance, clinginess, or fat people date fat people, but basically people date those whom they are somewhat similar to.

If you're a good looking guy, there's no reason why you can't hook up with a good looking girl (or vice versa).

On the other side of the coin, regardless of how people look, there's apt to be baggage. How you handle the baggage helps determine the duration of the relationship.

Good observation.



What I meant was that she's about as interested in me as I am her. I didn't mean literally that neither of us have a life besides each other.

That sounds more do-able and realistic.

It takes time to build a good, solid relationship, and "pushing the river" or trying to rush things will only short-change both of you. If you want it to be a long term deal, try to keep the months of getting to know each other in that perspective... is 6 months (for example) a reasonable investment of your time to decide if you're willing to give 10, 20, 30 years of your life to a relationship?

It's a whole lot easier to start something than it is to unwind legal and financial relationships... bear that in mind. And we haven't even gotten to children...

So take a deep breath, relax and remember it's to your advantage as much as hers.