A woman who feels she doesn't deserve a relationship.

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Ok, I was dating this very sweet girl who broke up with me. The night she broke up with me, we talked and walked for several hours talking about it. She gave me several reasons, but finally confided in me that she felt she didn't deserve a relationship. Obviously I think otherwise, but that's hither or nither at this point.

I'm wondering if there are people out there who feel this way, or have felt this way (female or male). Or, can anyone give me some insight as to why a person might feel this way. I've heard this before. I hurt me badly and I want to avoid it in the future.

Err....

...So you want to....

Yeah no.

Lemme be clear here. People who think they don't deserve relationships are people who really really think they are very horrible people.
The REASON they think they're horrible people is because other people have abused them one way or another.

If you're gunning for ways to avoid people who've been emotionally bruised, you're nasty by association.
The question you SHOULD be asking is(ethically): "If I fall in love with someone again, and he/she thinks she's not deserving of love, what do I do?"

Well you let them know they are worth love. Disagree! Loudly!
When that's over and done, she can choose to leave you, that is acceptable, but don't think you're gonna avoid people. If you fall for someone, you fall for them. If they happen to be emotionally battered, hope love outweighs pain.

If not, don't be the one to break it off, it'll hurt the one ya love more.

I'm not exactly sure how she was abused. She did tell she loved the attention I gave her, it it wasn't fair to me. I think some of it is Catholic guilt. Some of it was she was just the child her parents forgot. The nicer I got, the more she ran. She seemed not to trust my sincerity.

I guess I really don't want to avoid it in the future, but I don't want to hurt the way I am either

I did that to someone once - broke up with her because I felt she was too good for me, and that I didn't deserve such a great relationship with such a wonderful woman. I felt like I was dragging her down.

And that's what 20 years of bullying does to you, kids. Take note.

Thanks for some insight, C-57D. I'm sorry you were so bullied.

Thanks for the good wishes. Really, though - low self-esteem (which the bullying caused) was the root of my problem. It may have been the root of your ex-girlfriend's, too.

Yes, she definitely had some self-esteem issues. I also have self-esteem issues. I get the feeling that she thought she was doing me a favor by pushing me away. I just don't get how her self esteem could be any lower than mine?

I used to work with EBD children. I know that they had issues of self-esteem. I had to always be very careful dealing out any praise. They all needed some praise, but there were huge problems if you gave them too much.

I can relate to the feeling of being unworthy, but that is still a horrible way to act on that feeling.
It's childishly melodramatic, and I think it is contrary to reason.
"Being happy is, by itself, to cruelly harm others"?
I've even thought that myself, and it was glaringly obviously nonsensical even then.

Well I haven't been abused or bullied or anything like that. I would love to be in a relationship but only if I could make the other person happy. I don't really see how that could happen. If I do ever find someone then I think I would still feel bad most of the time and probably feel like I should let that person go. I know have some talents and strengths but also some weaknesses and most of those weaknesses are what a girl would want to be my strengths so I don't know if that's low self esteem , I think it's just being realist.
If you actually like that girl and are happy with her. Make sure she knows it and that's really all you can do.

This is harsh and not really fair to the OP. While I agree that it would be fantastic and ideal for the OP to love the woman through thick and thin, supporting her if she develops self-esteem issues during the relationship, but if the woman's poor self-esteem was there before going into the relationship, it's not fair to the OP to call him "nasty" and to demand that he take care of her issues. It would be awesome if he voluntarily did so, but he should not be under any obligation to do it. Issues like these place considerable strains on relationships, and those issues that crop up during a relationship ought to be taken care of as a couple, but pre-existing issues are best resolved or be planned to be resolved before entering a relationship. Otherwise it is way too easy for the OP to be manipulated by the woman via emotional application of those self-esteem issues, because of his desires to stay with her. There would also be an expectation that the OP "fix" her issues, and if no improvement happens, then he would get saddled with the responsibility for that lack of improvement even though it's not his fault. The relationship is healthiest when both people want to be in the relationship, instead of one person needing the relationship to fix his or her issues.

Since there was no information given about the reasons why she feels she doesn't deserve a relationship, I would've asked for more info if at all possible, and weighed just how significant these problems are. If the problems are too significant, it would be a good idea to take a step back from the relationship, and perhaps help her out as a friend, as at that point she would not be ready for a relationship yet. If the problems are relatively minor, you could stay in the relationship and help her work things out if you wanted, or you could bail out if you didn't want to deal with the hassle. I know that that last part sounds shallow, but it's the truth: your love for the woman has to be weighed against the amount of work involved to continue the relationship, and each person makes his or her own decision based on the circumstances just how much blood, sweat and tears he or she wants to invest for that love. Relationships are all give-and-take, but if you give way more than you take, you'll only be exhausted by such an unbalanced relationship in the end.

If she's bowing out - she already has her mind made up. That's a hard thing to change, if she wasn't at that point its tough to figure that she'd bring it up the way she did. Its sad but, ultimate, you might just have to find someone who - regardless of her self-esteem problems, almost everyone has them - will feel that your relationship with her is worth her working through it. Remember you can change yourself overtime but someone else, the best you can do is give them advice, just like you can't be a man for someone who needs to be a man or a woman for someone who needs to be a woman - you can give them the best nutritive/enriching input you can to fortify them and, if they can't do it on their own, there's really not a lot you realistically can hold yourself accountable for. Eventually they have to hold themselves accountable for their own present and future. I had an NT friend who mentioned something that a female friend had told him they say to rape victims or traumatic stress victims - what happened in the past isn't your fault, what happens from this day forward though, is to some extent. Sad story though, really hope she shapes up for her own sake - otherwise she's just bound for more abuse and misery - as she feels she deserves.

I'm going to take an unpopular stance here; whether or not people are going to jump in and defend the girl in question, it needs to be said. Let's not get into the NTs' annoying habit of not talking about the elephant in the room. It doesn't benefit anyone, especially the "elephant".

As much as I'd like to feel bad for the girl in this situation, I just can't. All I'm seeing is a big red flag. The way she said it just smacks of the supposedly politically correct (not to mention very cliche) "it's not you, it's me", which is becoming a joke in and of itself. The OP said that they walked around and talked for a few hours before she broke up with him, which means that the girl was either having moral reservations about dumping a good guy or was simply looking the right moment to tell him. I'll give the girl credit for trying to break up in a nice way, but it's still a break-up. It doesn't seem related to the girl's self-esteem issues. If she had a lot self-esteem, and a good guy was dating her, wouldn't she try to keep him at any cost, as opposed to dumping him? Instead, she dumped him, and we're here reading this thread.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded from meeting too many toxic people, or maybe other people are just following unwritten rules about not saying certain things, but I'm surprised no one mentioned it before. What if the girl's self-esteem is perfectly fine, and she broke up with the OP because she lost interest? (I'm going stay away from the "too nice" issue.) Before anyone attacks me for putting salt into a wound, think about other threads on here about breakups. A lot of them have some references to hearing the usual "it's not you, it's me". And this situation sounds a lot of like that.

True, she could have felt that the chemistry was taking a dive and, loving him on the intellectual/personality level but feeling no sexual/physical attraction felt that she'd rather dog herself to get out of the relationship than dog him - still speaks highly of him and what she thought of him though, definitely nothing for him to scorn himself but definitely on the other hand another pause for thought that yes, when someone is throwing in the towel and means it - regardless of what they're saying its likely that they're hormones are leading the charge (whether she was calling it exactly what it was or masking "I'm not physically attracted anymore" - it might as well be the same thing).

On the contrary. she said she was physically attracted. She said that I treated her well. Neither on of these issues was a problem. It was something else. that is what I do not know.

i understand that. i'm sorta dealing with not feeling good enough right now in fact. i know it's just a mentality issue though and i'm ardently working to push past it. with some success i believe. but no one ever feels truly comfortable with themselves, so i can accept the nagging feeling nonetheless as unimportant and not let it rule my relations decisions too strongly.

as for your ex, as a person going through that i can tell you that you can only do so much. the rest is up to her. a person has to come to this revelation themselves sometimes, it's a rather personal thing. she may never see it beyond the haze of her own self-doubt. but maybe someday she'll get up the initiative to turn on the foglights and try to find her way out of the protectie darkness that wards her heart. it may save her from the potential for direct heartbreak now, and be selfish in how it affects others such as yourself. but on a subconscious level it's one of the most basic measures of emotional self-preservation. acceptance is a risk to her vulnerability she just can't handle right now it seems. but with time she may find the strength of will to decide otherwise if she finds the crushing loneliness of solitude to outweigh it's benefits and finally break her will to keep up that one piece of protective self-denial.

have i shed some light? or have i confused?
i hope i've helped....

also it may help, to make clear to her you're on the same level, feel the same.
level the playing field a bit so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed. a little blunt honesty and confession can go a long way towards establishing the kind of trustthat could possibly fix this if you so choose now or in future similar situations.

I've pondered all kinds of ideas. She definitely says she wants her space, so I'm giving her that. I hurt like hell. I think she thinks she's hurting me less this way. But that's totally not true. Part of me wants go to her and try to work everything out. Part of me wants to get up on the horse and date some more (I've never dated much until recently). Part of me wants to totally destroy my apartment. Mostly, I want to hide in the fetal position

As much as I want to help her, I have too much baggage myself. We live in a society that better supports break-up than supports relationships. I wish I had all the confidencve inthe world to help her. Still, I'm not sure if even that much confidence could even help her.