I think i've accidently screwed up bad
05 Nov 2009, 11:26 pm
I just accidently insulted a girl I care deeply about. Shes seeing a guy and they are falling all over each other. She asked me on facebook if I believe in soul mates. I truthfully answered that I believe in them but I added "I also believe we can fool ourselves into believeing we've found the one whos the right person. A lot of people get swept up in the excitment of making a conection and stay with people who aren't right to keep from being lonely again." I was talking about me here. That happened to me once, a long time go I got with a girl for a while and was conviced that she was the one but my mentor said she was dirt. And he was right in the end.
Well, Shes ticked off at me. She believed I was talking about her and her new boyfriend! She was seriously upset and crying about it and said I was offensive. She also got very angry at me for quote "making me doubt" her love for her boyfriend.
I tried to explain why i'd said that. But she wouldn't have it and the more I tried to explain the more she pressed. I eventually told her I loved her and that I didn't mean any harm and that I do think shes with the wrong guy but she didn't believe me that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad.
I'd been having a bad day all round at work. I'm angry with myself for making her sad. I really do love this girl but shes not avalible now, I can live with that. She's a perfect match for me, shes amazing. Shes been alone for a long time and meet this guy three months ago. I wish him no harm but i'll admit I do wish she would leave him or him her but that wasn't what I was thinking of when I wrote those words. i was trying to answer truthfully. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and angry at myself and fear i've just ruined any progress I was making with her.
05 Nov 2009, 11:34 pm
Frankly, you've done everything you can do. You apologized for something you really didn't have to apologize for, and she can't see beyond herself to see it. I'm sure I won't be the only one to say this, but her anger is likely not targeted at you, but at herself for having a hard time convincing herself this guy IS her soulmate when she desperately wants him to be. She said it herself, you made her 'doubt', if only for a minute. I suspect she's more in love with love than in love with this guy. Just hang tight, she'll come around.
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05 Nov 2009, 11:44 pm
It really isn't your fault. The way you said it made it sound like you were meaning her, but if you weren't, the most you can do is tell her you wern't and apologise.. which you've done.
What you said is absolutely true and called being "blinded by infatuation". if she can't take what you said and not apply it to herself then its her with the problem.
You probably shouldnt have said you loved her and think shes with teh wrong guy because that pretty much is the nail in the coffin that you WERE meaning her.
Really all you can do is say you wernt... there isn't anything else. You will just have to wait for her to come around.
Dont ignore her or be silly, just act like you did before you said it.
Last edited by hale_bopp on 05 Nov 2009, 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
05 Nov 2009, 11:47 pm
Then you should have said you were talking about you if you wanted it clear that's who you meant.
Ok, this is really, really creepy. If you can't be friends with her without trying to "make progress", you shouldn't be friends with her. If you can't respect that her romantic choices are the right choices for who she is when she makes them, you're not her friend.
As for her believing you, you're splitting hairs. She correctly figured out that there's a toxic undercurrent in your friendship with her and what it's about.
05 Nov 2009, 11:49 pm
Well, Shes ticked off at me. She believed I was talking about her and her new boyfriend! She was seriously upset and crying about it and said I was offensive. She also got very angry at me for quote "making me doubt" her love for her boyfriend.
I tried to explain why i'd said that. But she wouldn't have it and the more I tried to explain the more she pressed. I eventually told her I loved her and that I didn't mean any harm and that I do think shes with the wrong guy but she didn't believe me that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad.
I'd been having a bad day all round at work. I'm angry with myself for making her sad. I really do love this girl but shes not avalible now, I can live with that. She's a perfect match for me, shes amazing. Shes been alone for a long time and meet this guy three months ago. I wish him no harm but i'll admit I do wish she would leave him or him her but that wasn't what I was thinking of when I wrote those words. i was trying to answer truthfully. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and angry at myself and fear i've just ruined any progress I was making with her.
People like her make me angry. They never listen, arghhhhh. Stupid girl she is. I would just try and let it go. You tried to solve it and you did nothing wrong. You didn't say anything inappropriate or bad. Do not blame yourself, you weren't in the wrong here.
05 Nov 2009, 11:50 pm
As for her believing you, you're splitting hairs. She correctly figured out that there's a toxic undercurrent in your friendship with her and what it's about.
Why is it creepy? He has feelings with her, or course he wants to make progress. People cant choose who they're attracted to and it just so happens that this member has fallen for his friend.. .why do you expect him to do? Stop being friends with her? Thats really immature.
06 Nov 2009, 12:38 am
That's horrible. She's involved with someone else.
No, really immature is thinking you know better than your friends what their romantic choices should be. Immature, creepy, and stalkerish.
06 Nov 2009, 12:58 am
That's horrible. She's involved with someone else.
No, really immature is thinking you know better than your friends what their romantic choices should be. Immature, creepy, and stalkerish.
Actually an impartial witness can often know better than the person her or himself because their emotions are not tied to the situation.
But I do think he needs to leave this woman alone because after all, if she is truly in love with the other guy it would not be good for him to hang around, if even for his own sense of moving on.
06 Nov 2009, 1:30 am
This guy is the opposite of an impartial witness.
And friends aren't impartial either -- if they were, they wouldn't be friends.
06 Nov 2009, 1:32 am
Actually, no matter how you slice it, this is wrong, and so disrespectful of others that it's can't be anything but creepy.
You don't get to decide for anyone else what they want in a relationship.
06 Nov 2009, 7:58 am
to be honest it is an over emotional response on her part.
"affirmation" that's what people want when they ask these sort of questions
You kind of made it worse by confirming want she believed about your response. I guess you can't fault your honesty.
However your advice is sound. You should apply it to every situation.
06 Nov 2009, 9:26 am
Then you should have said you were talking about you if you wanted it clear that's who you meant.
Ok, this is really, really creepy. If you can't be friends with her without trying to "make progress", you shouldn't be friends with her. If you can't respect that her romantic choices are the right choices for who she is when she makes them, you're not her friend.
As for her believing you, you're splitting hairs. She correctly figured out that there's a toxic undercurrent in your friendship with her and what it's about.
Agreed! I'm afraid you probably have screwed up your friendship in that now she knows it's a sham. You also seriously hurt her feelings by saying that the guy she's infatuated with is 'wrong' for her.
I don't think you will be able to mend this relationship completely. I have friends of the opposite gender that might fancy me (I haven't asked; I don't want to know) but if they stated that my current bf is wrong for me and that they love me, I'd avoid them like the plague.
06 Nov 2009, 9:54 am
I've been told to dump my bf's and I didn't dump my friends for that. My ex's were wrong for me. The first one was a lazy SOB and made up excuses, the second one was very narrow minded and judgmental. There were other problems which I won't get into right now.
Friends like to look after each other and if they think their friend is with the wrong person, they tell them. What if the friend was in a abusive relationship? Wouldn't you want to tell him/her to get away from their partner?
06 Nov 2009, 10:15 am
Friends like to look after each other and if they think their friend is with the wrong person, they tell them. What if the friend was in a abusive relationship? Wouldn't you want to tell him/her to get away from their partner?
Yeah, but the fact here was that the OP told the friend that her bf was wrong for her and then said that he loved her; to her, it sounded like his motives were far from altruistic.
I agree with you that friends should support each other, but saying straight out "your boyfriend's not right for you" is asking for trouble. I would personally keep my opinion to myself if I did not like the guy (my friend afterall would know him better than I would) and if asked, would keep things very neutral.
