When does a bf/gf relationship begin?

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Where is the boundary between dating and boyfriend/girlfriend?
After the second date 3%  3%  [ 3 ]
After the second date 3%  3%  [ 3 ]
After they've kissed and they both liked it 13%  13%  [ 12 ]
After they've kissed and they both liked it 13%  13%  [ 12 ]
After they've had sex once 4%  4%  [ 4 ]
After they've had sex once 4%  4%  [ 4 ]
After the guy asks the girl to be his girlfriend 30%  30%  [ 29 ]
After the guy asks the girl to be his girlfriend 30%  30%  [ 29 ]
Total votes : 96

JediFrogman
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05 May 2006, 1:38 pm

I've always wondered this; what's the boundary line between dating someone and them actually being their boyfriend/girlfriend.



alex
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05 May 2006, 1:45 pm

I'm going to say kiss


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Sundy
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05 May 2006, 2:53 pm

I've always make sure me and the potential boyfriend have made an agreement to be boyfriend/girlfriend or I've had the guy ask me. At this point we may have already been doing many things (kissing, etc.) with each other. The way I see it is, if you spend the majority of your free time with someone, have kissed them and don't have any aversion to sitting very close to them for the duration of 2 TV shows, you've probably reached the boundary line.

One way that I have done this is ask the guy how he referrs to me when talking to his friends. If I'm interested in becoming his girlfriend I'll ask "So when will you be calling me your girlfriend?" This usually gets a smile and a little shrug from the guy. Then he will usually say one of the following:

1. "How about now?" (This means you will be bf/gf)
2. "Girlfriend?" (This requires a discussion/mutual agreement)
3. "I don't know..." (Don't take this answer personally, it could just mean that they're not ready for a relationship, but there is potential)
4. "I'm not looking for anything serious right now." (This is somebody that just wants to go out with you from time-to-time and is not interested in a monogamous relationship with you at this time. Don't take it personally.)

This is how I respond:
1. "Okay." (Smile and look into his eyes for a second...actually, do this for all of the responses)
2. "I'm not seeing anyone else right now...are you?"
3. "Well, you know, things are going pretty good right now as they are...let's just wait and see what happens."
4. "That's cool. We still have plenty of going out to do before either of us get serious with anyone." (DO NOT continue to elaborate with this comment. It will ruin your chances if you do...pause, smile, and start talking about something that you two have done together that's been fun and mention that you'd be interested in doing that again with them.)

So that's my boyfriend/girlfriend status advice. Here are my credentials:
25 year old female, 16 years of experience being a girlfriend who's had many boyfriends, dates, and friends with benefits. I have no real female friends yet (although I have made progress recently...women are tough), but I can totally get a date.



JediFrogman
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05 May 2006, 3:02 pm

Wow...impressive...

Here's my stats:

Marginally (1-2 percent?) aspie or borderline NT/aspie
25 year old guy, in the market since age 16, 3 girls interested, 2 failed to reach even the date portion due to lack of knowledge of what to do, the other freaked me out...so far, 0 girlfriends, 0 dates, 0 kisses, etc.



hale_bopp
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05 May 2006, 4:30 pm

No freaking idea. I've always had the same problem.

:\



Keeno
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05 May 2006, 5:24 pm

I also don't really have an idea. It really depends on the relationship, but I'm sure that we Aspies need clear boundaries for knowing where a bf/gf relationship begins. Which aren't there obvously.



ELLCIM
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05 May 2006, 6:46 pm

Anybody who would think that a relationship doesn't start until two people have had sex has lost their mind. Fortunately, nobody has voted for that yet.



noodle
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06 May 2006, 12:31 am

I think it's perfectly reasonable, but I haven't lost my mind. I didn't vote for when they have sex because a bf/gf relationship doesn't always start then or before then.

I think there really has to be an agreement between the two parties. It is not defined by what you have done together, just how you feel about eachother. Sometimes, you dont need to talk about it, because you just know that the other person is now your BF or GF, but sometimes it needs to be clarified so you both can agree.



Comkeen
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06 May 2006, 1:40 am

When you start putting your hands down each other's pants. :o

J/K, actually I would say the second date.



Seigneur
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06 May 2006, 3:18 pm

It's a social construct.



emp
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07 May 2006, 9:45 pm

Here is the rule I use:

A woman I am dating is never "my girlfriend" until we both agree with each other that we are now boyfriend and girlfriend.

I think you can actually offend someone if you start referring to them as "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend" before it is explicitly mutually agreed. I would never do it without asking first. This rule has always worked well for me.



lowfreq50
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07 May 2006, 11:36 pm

One time I was sitting there beside the girl who I was dating. I said I wanted to kiss her and she said "Well, why don't you?" and I said, "because I don't know how." So she pretty much kissed me. After that I asked if I could consider her my girlfriend and she said yes.

I never want to repeat such an inept, juvenile episode again. It embarrasses me just to think of it. How lame of me. How weak and non-masculine. Why don't we just cut my balls off and make me sing soprano?

Other than asking for it, I know of no other way to break that threshold. It is really a definite, clear step than must be taken. It is a moment. It is a noun. There is no such thing as a "natural progression into a relationship." It takes an acknowledgement and therefore happens in a second.

That was 3 years ago and I've been single ever since. I won't be weak and ask for a kiss or ask if she's my girlfriend. That is NOT what an alpha male would do, and honestly that was a "miracle" that that technique worked that time. I know I was lucky. Most girls would be turned off by such a display of non-masculinity.

It's hard to be a male and have Aspergers. We're expected to "just know" such things, but people such as myself simply cannot pick up on such things. We need confirmation and of course, as males, we're expected to not need it therefore we don't get it. And if you're at all wise you KNOW it is NOT acceptable to ask.



noodle
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08 May 2006, 3:15 am

lowfreq50 wrote:
Most girls would be turned off by such a display of non-masculinity.


Honestly, I think you are wrong about it not being masculine. I think it is fine to ask and be sure you both agree. That is what women want, after all, to be a partner in a relationship not be dominated by some macho know-it-all who thinks he has to smother you to be a man. On the other hand, many of the guys who asked to kiss me were just doing it to be manipulative because they know that girls will often say OK just because it is akward. Those kinds of guys are just creeps! :!:



Jetson
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09 May 2006, 7:42 am

I voted for the 4th option even though it's hopelessly sexist to think that the guy always has to ask the girl. AFAIAC it boils down to agreement. Saying that you are bf/gf means that you have agreed to treat each other as "more than just friends" and represent yourselves as a couple to other people. In most cases, it also means that you have agreed to not date other people.

To critique the other options, I would point out that people can kiss and even have sex without being a couple. There's nothing special about the second date (other than the fact it means the first date wasn't a disaster).


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autisticon
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09 May 2006, 8:16 am

I didnt vote for any of the options because there isnt really one I totally agree on. I think Sundy covered it very well, but I will add in my own coments just because I am bored at work.

I am currently in my first ever "official" relationship. Took me 22 years but I finally pulled it off. I've had many failed attemps, some of which were quite embarrassing. Up until college I really had no clue when it came to dating, and I mean that literally. I didnt understand how you got from being a friend to dating, it was like there was some missing step in the equasion that everyone else just somehow knew. Then my first year of college, I decided that had to change. I scoured the net and found a few websites which offered much to helpless people like me - the most helpful was called the Don Juan Bible. However a lot of the crap in there was chauvanistic and designed for players. I had to separate what was useful from what I didnt agree with.

Finally in the end of my first year of college I had my first kiss, and looking back now I wish I could slap myself for way it went down. I actually told her right after it was my first kiss (which I think shocked her, seeing how I was 19). But she gave me some "kissing lessons" which I still try to remember to this day. Of course I just assumed we were dating after that, and that she was my girlfriend - so it only took me a week to freak her out and then it was a year before I saw her again (and thats pretty sad considering we had been good friends for about 5 years). So there's Tip #1 - dont make assumptions. Making out with someone does not make them your GF/BF.

Now lets roll back a bit to highschool... there was a few girls I chased after through out that time, including the one I just mentioned above, but I blew pretty much all of my chances, and missed out on a few really good chances to snag a kiss. There was one girl who I was crazy about, and was pretty good friends with, who actually asked me out a few times. I had no idea if they were meant to be dates or not, but we went out and had a lot of fun. I'm sure if I had some of the confidence I have now I could've got to at least first base. But I had no idea how to go from friends to GF/BF so being the dork I was I wrote her a love poem and emailed it to her. I then waited and waited for two days before she finally replied. The jist of it was your typical "Lets just be friends" crap. I was crushed, and I think I asked her out at least 4 or 5 more times over IM before I finally gave up, like a year later. So there's Tip #2 - dont ask a girl to be your GF over email or instant messaging. Bad idea.

Now, as far as option number 3 goes - after having had sex once. That isnt necessarily true either. There was a girl I slept with in college as a result of drunken stupor. Basically I hooked up with her while really drunk and went home with her. In some ways I'm not too proud of that, in other ways I am (thats pretty good work for an aspie). After about a week I asked her to be my GF, but she said she was seeing another guy as well. So enough of that, that didnt sit well with me.

After that I went thru two very quick relationships, neither of which got serious or lasted more than a couple of weeks. Then there was a rather big one, with a very important girl in my life (another girl who had been a friend for several years). We started "seeing each other" but when I asked her to be my GF, I got rejected. She didnt want the title apparantly, and wanted to stay casual. So she wasnt my GF and we werent "dating" according to her but we were just "seeing each other" which still confuses the crap out of me to this day. However this put way too much stress on my heart because I was crazy about her - so I ended it. So once again, kissing does not equal BF/GF.

So now up to my current relationship, the one that actually has survived a notable amount of time. After a few weeks she asked me if I wanted to get serious, so I agreed. Wow, that seemed to easy -- why the others didnt work like this is beyond me. So I guess option number 4 is the closest, even though the girl can ask the guy. I personally would never again ask the girl, just because I know from experience if she says no its too hard for me to wrap my head around. Just be patient, enjoy what you have going, and eventually she'll ask you to get serious (hopefully).

Well there you have it... my complete experience on dating. I only went thru the work of typing it all in case it helps one of you clueless guys out there like me. Learn from my mistakes if you can. And be patient, like I said, I'm 22 and just finally have my first "girlfriend."



lowfreq50
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09 May 2006, 12:48 pm

noodle wrote:
lowfreq50 wrote:
Most girls would be turned off by such a display of non-masculinity.


Honestly, I think you are wrong about it not being masculine. I think it is fine to ask and be sure you both agree. That is what women want, after all, to be a partner in a relationship not be dominated by some macho know-it-all who thinks he has to smother you to be a man. On the other hand, many of the guys who asked to kiss me were just doing it to be manipulative because they know that girls will often say OK just because it is akward. Those kinds of guys are just creeps! :!:


It doesn't have to be domination. What I'm talking about is the guy knowing intuitively when to make a move, because is he able to read non-verbal cues. If he cannot, and has to ask, this would be seen as weakness. Or, they are being manipulative, as you said. Keep in mind that I am talking about neurotypical courtship only.