Shyness and avoidance of woman you really like

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Alla
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31 Dec 2009, 10:25 am

Aspie men, when a woman you really like comes near you, do you get all nervous and try to avoid her because you fear that she will sense your nervousness/social phobia?



ToadOfSteel
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31 Dec 2009, 11:04 am

not really, but I won't talk to her unless she talks first, so that I know she won't try to get a restraining order on me for saying hi. Once she's introduced herself, I can usually take it from there (usually not into a relationship, but at the very least i make a new friend)... but that almost never happens...



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31 Dec 2009, 12:24 pm

Sometimes I get nervous and quiet around pretty girls.



DemonAbyss10
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31 Dec 2009, 1:38 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
not really, but I won't talk to her unless she talks first, so that I know she won't try to get a restraining order on me for saying hi. Once she's introduced herself, I can usually take it from there (usually not into a relationship, but at the very least i make a new friend)... but that almost never happens...



Im pretty much the same way.


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Homer_Bob
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31 Dec 2009, 4:25 pm

When I was younger, I avoided hot girls like poison but today I'm not that intimidated by them. If they talk to me, I'll talk to them.



Descartes30
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31 Dec 2009, 5:07 pm

Social awkwardness certainly is an aspie trait, but shyness varies. I am extremely shy independent of gender, but especially with women and if she is really beautiful then I'm pretty much catatonic. Some of it certainly has to do with bad past experiences with them, and the other part is likely that I find myself overwhelmed in the same way I am in a crowded room. I'm 32, and I have serious doubts this will ever change, so I've learned to live with it. Hopefully you can learn how to approach and converse with practice and time, good luck :)


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harlequinsenor
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31 Dec 2009, 9:26 pm

Honestly depends on the situation... if I feel as though some kind of meaningful interpersonal interaction is possible (such as if we make eye contact) I'll usually get shy and act as if I'm uninterested. Other times though, it doesn't bother me and I'll smile, make eye contact, maybe even say a thing or two... I genuinely don't know why that happens sometimes.



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01 Jan 2010, 12:55 am

I don't get nervous, but I don't say anything to her. It's not because I'm shy/nervous, but rather, I can't think of anything worth saying or talking about on the spot.



AspiRob
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01 Jan 2010, 4:21 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
not really, but I won't talk to her unless she talks first, so that I know she won't try to get a restraining order on me for saying hi. Once she's introduced herself, I can usually take it from there (usually not into a relationship, but at the very least i make a new friend)... but that almost never happens...


I am fairly much the same but I am getting a little better slowly. When I go to the gym, I am sometimes able to initiate conversations with women. Although I usually play it safe by talking to women I know are married. This takes the pressure off me because I am not hitting on them.

My eventual hope of this is twofold: a) that by practicing talking to married women I will get practice in talking to women genarally and b) that eventually one of the married women might introduce me to one of her single friends. This last one might be a vague hope but at least it shows I am able to plan something.


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Bataar
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01 Jan 2010, 4:35 am

AspiRob wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
not really, but I won't talk to her unless she talks first, so that I know she won't try to get a restraining order on me for saying hi. Once she's introduced herself, I can usually take it from there (usually not into a relationship, but at the very least i make a new friend)... but that almost never happens...


I am fairly much the same but I am getting a little better slowly. When I go to the gym, I am sometimes able to initiate conversations with women. Although I usually play it safe by talking to women I know are married. This takes the pressure off me because I am not hitting on them.

My eventual hope of this is twofold: a) that by practicing talking to married women I will get practice in talking to women genarally and b) that eventually one of the married women might introduce me to one of her single friends. This last one might be a vague hope but at least it shows I am able to plan something.

This may be a dumb question, but it's my biggest hurdle. What do you talk to them about? When you initiate conversation with them, what are you trying to talk about or what is your conversation goal?



AspiRob
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01 Jan 2010, 3:59 pm

Bataar wrote:
This may be a dumb question, but it's my biggest hurdle. What do you talk to them about? When you initiate conversation with them, what are you trying to talk about or what is your conversation goal?


I really have no other goal apart from starting a conversation - such is the level I tend to function at. I tend to talk about very concrete everyday things like the weather and what is currently happening around me. Neither of which ever leads to interesting discussions.

As to what it is to talk to women about to get them to like you - no idea. I am still waiting to be enlightened.


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kingtut3
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01 Jan 2010, 4:18 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
not really, but I won't talk to her unless she talks first, so that I know she won't try to get a restraining order on me for saying hi. Once she's introduced herself, I can usually take it from there (usually not into a relationship, but at the very least i make a new friend)... but that almost never happens...

I used to be that way, but I'm getting the used to introducing myself to strange girls though.



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01 Jan 2010, 6:24 pm

AspiRob wrote:
Bataar wrote:
This may be a dumb question, but it's my biggest hurdle. What do you talk to them about? When you initiate conversation with them, what are you trying to talk about or what is your conversation goal?


I really have no other goal apart from starting a conversation - such is the level I tend to function at. I tend to talk about very concrete everyday things like the weather and what is currently happening around me. Neither of which ever leads to interesting discussions.

As to what it is to talk to women about to get them to like you - no idea. I am still waiting to be enlightened.

Yeah, I just can't do that. If I don't care about something, I can't converse about it.



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01 Jan 2010, 7:52 pm

Bataar wrote:
AspiRob wrote:
Bataar wrote:
This may be a dumb question, but it's my biggest hurdle. What do you talk to them about? When you initiate conversation with them, what are you trying to talk about or what is your conversation goal?


I really have no other goal apart from starting a conversation - such is the level I tend to function at. I tend to talk about very concrete everyday things like the weather and what is currently happening around me. Neither of which ever leads to interesting discussions.

As to what it is to talk to women about to get them to like you - no idea. I am still waiting to be enlightened.

Yeah, I just can't do that. If I don't care about something, I can't converse about it.


I know that smalltalk is excruciating but (hot or not!) this is how people meet and greet. And for lots of NT people, it is natural like breathing. Now, having said that, I personally have a hard time with idiots and sadly, there are a lot of idiots out there. Plus, the really interesting (to me) topics are verboten in a casually social situation - like politics, controversial historical figures or ideas, etc. The reality: to lots of typical folk, chatting about "stuff" is social lubricant, and this happens without thought or consideration, without even noticing (particularly for females excuse my gender bias).

Mr. Rath, my aspie husband, and I went to a holiday party recently and he was greatly pained while I effortlessly blathered on for 3 hours. Later in bed that night, we compared and contrasted. I suppose if I truly broke it down, which I hadn't until he asked me, I do have a brain-container of items about each person, or possible items if they are a stranger (are they from here, where did she go to college, has he been in this building before and what for, oh, the other day I saw XYZ movie, or never fails with girls: omg those shoes). But I don't think about it. It just happens. I realize for Mr. Rath that process just works really differently. He could give a rats ass about any of that and so it's immediately dismissed I guess. I don't know really.

I know that if you want to know someone, for most folk, you need to get by this piece. I also know what I loved so much about Mr. Rath in the beginning is that he was terse, and sometimes blunt, and sometimes weirdly random but he was really genuine. If he said it, he meant it. I loved that, I still do!

AspieRob, once she gets married a girl gets hit on twice as much. Just saying!



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01 Jan 2010, 8:00 pm

I just don't function in those kinds of situations. The friends I do have now were all met through my various gaming groups. Only after being around them for repeated occasions and being able to observe them and determine that we have common interests do I ever want to hang out or actually talk about something interesting that I know they will be interested in as well. I just don't have any opportunities to do this with women.



AspiRob
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01 Jan 2010, 8:18 pm

BetsyRath wrote:
I personally have a hard time with idiots and sadly, there are a lot of idiots out there.

Same here. Unfortunately - as I have observed - usually the more idiotic a person is, the more noise they make. I am not sure if this works the other way around but I have certainly noticed that many of the less intellectually gifted are often the people with the most to say - even if they are not actually saying anything. Given that I don't pick up on social cues cues and I hate small talk anyway, sifting throught the idiots to find the odd person worth talking to becaomes very trying and tiring. For that reason, I do nearly all my socialising on line.

BetsyRath wrote:
AspieRob, once she gets married a girl gets hit on twice as much. Just saying!

Could be right there - that probably has to do with the idea of wanting what you can't have. Not that I am talking to married women for this reason. I am too morally controlled to hit on a married woman (not that I would know how to hit on any woman but that is another problem). Do you think that married women might be thinking I am hitting on them when in fact I am just trying to be friendly and practice what little social and communication skills I have?


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