Can you be friends with a woman you are attracted to?

Page 2 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Daniella
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jun 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 317
Location: Netherlands

02 Jan 2010, 3:27 pm

Some people can, others obviously cannot.

A friend of mine, a guy, was attracted to me, in love even, he said.
I had to turn him down but of course told him we could still be friends. And I did mean it.
I mean, we've been friends before he told me, so why not?

Well, that turned out to be quite the disaster.
He didn't really give up on me and kept trying stuff.
Also, he asked some really personal stuff about me to my girlfriend at that time, which kind of freaked me out.
I've been having the paranoid feeling he's always "checking me out" ever since.
And he's always behaving in a very nervous way around me...

All this stuff together makes our friendship... well, it's not there anymore, really.
We see each other on birthdays and stuff, but that's about it.


But, I myself am attracted to a friend of a friend, a girl, who is straight, so no future in there.
But I can act normal around her, and it hasn't led to any uncomfortable situations.
I'm not going to let her know. We get along well.



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 56,580
Location: Portland, Oregon

02 Jan 2010, 3:37 pm

If you have the same relative interests as her, then yes.


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


ammolite
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Location: Texas

02 Jan 2010, 7:56 pm

Like a lot of things, it probably depends on the context of your friendship and you as an individual, your outlook and desires.

I've found that this often works best for me when there is some interest that unites us, some shared activity or viewpoint. So, if things start to get uncomfortable in terms of desire and thinking of the other person there is shared interest that to mutually probe into, and...not each other, especially when that is unwanted. Although not ideal, there are shades and types of love that don't have to be romantic--if you feel open to that, it very well may be worth exploring. Perhaps "just hanging out" sort of friendships are more prone to get uncomfortable when there is what is a mostly one-sided attraction.



biostructure
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,444

02 Jan 2010, 8:43 pm

Not unless there are "benefits" involved, in my case. I'd rather never see each other again than be reminded of my frustration every time we hang out.



Gamester
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,935
Location: Newberg, OR

02 Jan 2010, 9:27 pm

As the Resident Dating/Advice Councilor, I'll sum it up. (and yes, I am back)


It works, but only if you give it time. The thing is if you're too pushy, then it goes to hell in a flipping handbasket as I've learned with at least one of my exes. she and I are now really good and close friends, but we almost lost that friendship due to both of us not understanding a lot after we had broken up.

Now if this is is someone you like, ask in a roundabout way, subtle as well about what's going on between you to, using examples, "I've had people ask," or, "People are curious," etc. If they say there's nothing, and that people should leave well enough alone, then that's that. However, if they're not sure, leave it at that as well and don't pursue it. Most likely if they say they're not sure, its because they're still trying to get to know you, and in many cases an "I don't know" is indicative of many things, such as 1) how long ago you two became friends, 2) the comfort level between you two, 3) whether they can look at you and imagine you naked. Those are the top three things, and yes, there are others, but those three are the top that most people both aspies and normals will look at when figuring something out.

Now. if you need any further advice or have questions, feel free to email me at [email protected] or listen in this coming semester at http://www.georgefox.edu/offices/asc/kf ... tream.html at around 9 pm on Tuesdays, PST. I run a live dating/advice show and I will help if you ask.


_________________
I want peace for all. Simple yet elegant.


Zara
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,877
Location: Deep Dungeon, VA

03 Jan 2010, 1:30 am

If the relationship starts out with sexual/romantic attraction it has be all or nothing. Trying to be friends when one party feels more for the other just leads to endless frustration while tying you up so you can't meet other people.

Friends has to start as friends and that pretty much begins with common interests rather than attraction.

I'm very particular as to who can be my friends and I do have a few IRL females friends. I love them, but in not in romantic/sexual ways. I try to avoid being friends with any girl I feel attracted to because I know it'll be a problem.
Like I have one girl right now at my work that I am friends with, but I can't help but feel sexual attraction for her. I already know it's starting to be an issue with me and I'm trying to distance myself from her so I don't become obsessed around her. I might just ask her out directly and have her reject me so I have a better excuse to get away and not have it seem strange to her.

Some girls can be friends, others have to lovers. That's just the way I see it.


_________________
Current obsessions: Miatas, Investing
Currently playing: Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Currently watching: SRW OG2: The Inspectors

Come check out my photography!
http://dmausf.deviantart.com/


righton
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 2 Dec 2009
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 84

03 Jan 2010, 1:42 am

This works best if she's dating someone or better still, married.



TheMidnightJudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Mar 2007
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,669
Location: New England

03 Jan 2010, 1:46 am

I managed it. I can't say I regret it, since I grew a lot as a result of the friendship, and there were good times. But well, I wouldn't do it again. Caused a lot of misery. But then, I was miserable for more fundamental reasons back then anyway.

It might depend on whether or not you entertain the hope that it'll go somewhere further.


_________________
Sleepless gliding


Merle
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Oct 2007
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 514
Location: Lake Tahoe

05 Jan 2010, 8:59 pm

Alla wrote:
Can an aspie be friends with a woman he is highly attracted to if the woman does not show signs of reciprocation? Would you stay friends with her or avoid her?


Yes. Is it easy? No because most aspies do not have a lot of people in the friends department and are more likely to put more into the relationships they do have.

Take a step back and examine her perspective. If she has a lot of friends and/or is attached, it may hurt more as it's the proverbial "grass is greener on the other side" situation always staring at you. If a feeling of resentment appears, stepping back from the relationship is typically the best way to ensure it's continued success.

If she's single, lonely, has few friends and/or outlets, then game-on.



Roxas_XIII
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jan 2007
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,217
Location: Laramie, WY

05 Jan 2010, 9:23 pm

I had a crush on this girl in high school, she was in the theatre club with me. She was basically WAAAY out of my league, not to mention that she already had a boyfriend. Still, we hung out sometimes when we were in plays together, and ended up becoming great friends. I actually have the sneaking suspicion that she KNEW that I was head over heels for her, but our relationship never progressed past that of casual friendship. Still, she was always nice to me and we got along great.

We've both gone our separate ways (I moved to Wyoming while she went to study abroad in France), but we still keep in touch. We actually send letters, if you can believe it. I'm the kind of person who loves sending/recieving mail the traditional way, so when she posted her address on Facebook I sent her a letter, and we've been throwing snail mail at each other since. I still have feelings for her a bit, but I'm content to be her pen pal by this point.


_________________
"Yeah, so this one time, I tried playing poker with tarot cards... got a full house, and about four people died." ~ Unknown comedian

Happy New Year from WP's resident fortune-teller! May the cards be ever in your favor.


superboyian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Sep 2009
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 14,443
Location: London

05 Jan 2010, 10:16 pm

Oh yes definitely... But I have screwed up a few times, I used to keep staring at my neighbour because I has this huge crush on her and i wanted to be friends but then she never accepted and it got alot worse when I told her sister I was autistic and eventually became enemies. That was the worst experience of it, all I got to learn is not to constant stare or it would of put them off... But it is so depressing that I would cried and cried wished I wasn't there anymore... This happened years ago.

Then few years later I added her on facebook and wanted to fully apologise but then she suddenly jumped into conclusion thinking I was going to stalk her but I wasn't, all I wanted to do is apologise and start fresh and just be friends, she then got her sister onto me and she started being so aggressive and told my sister which got me and her arguing for nothing and it was so horrible that I felt I couldn't take it and it was so overwelming :cry: I even feel like crying now because this still bothers me. I'm so sorry guys I can't hold it much longer and gonna stop the story there... :cry: :cry: :cry:


_________________
My Poetry: http://poetryimpact.blogspot.com
My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/michkat0 - In partnership with AwesomenessTV
Former owner of Aspies Central: http://www.aspiescentral.com

Know me on the inside before you judge.


BurningMoose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 74

06 Jan 2010, 4:53 am

I think the real question here is "can you act normal around people you're attracted to?" If you turn into a nervous, needy wreck, then obviously you're going to have problems. if you're used to sexual tension and/or enjoy it, like I do, then it makes for awesome, fun friendships with women you like. I rarely have female friends I'm not attracted to on some level, because otherwise it'd just be boring.



RossMc
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2009
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 147

08 Jan 2010, 10:20 pm

No