AS-guys and NT-girls, some advice please?

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Heya! I registered a long time ago at Wrongplanet but then suddenly, I lost all interest of writing on forums, so I didn't stick around.
Well, I'm doing the neurological tests now and even if I don't know what will turn up, AS or ADHD, I feel strongly that I belong on the autism spectrum. Now, I don't know what will come out of my examination. If positive, I'm entitled to help finishing my education, getting a job etc. It's called something like "grown up habilitation program" in Sweden. Although I have some issues I'd never dare ask them. It's bad enough that I'm mooching state resources instead of managing on my own but I'd die from embarassment if I'd waste their effort on helping me to get in a relationship.

So I could ask you instead yeah? I hope you are patient with this long post, because it's really hard for me to put short.

I'm 28 years old and I've never been in a relationship, save for 1-2 weeks maybe.
It's very sad because I have a good strategy to cope with social situations, but the very same strategy backfires when I try it with girls. I'll try to explain:
I always focus hard before going into a social sphere. I choose an appropriate role, mood and mental state, and then concentrate on staying consistant:
1. Be positive 2. Be inquisitive 3. Affirm others 4. Don't talk too much 5. Keep track of the conversation and the rythm of conversation etc.
The only downside with this is that it exhausts me. It can be a problem on a job but as long as I sleep and eat at appropriate times, I usually have the energy to keep it up.
It really works too! I'm now used to be extremely focused around others and people like me more than before. So they don't like me as I really am, and why should they? If being myself means I neglect others and just talk about what interests me, what reason would they have to like me? It's very understandable.

Now.. when I try this on girls it also works, at first. I have to remind myself to focus on them more than myself. Isn't that pretty much what love is though, affirming each other? But I'm not automatically interested in others, just people I've known for longer times, so I have to feign interest. Deep down I guess I'm more interested in girls affirming me than me affirming them, so I have to focus hard on the opposite.
It's just that, I'm too nervous and unused to initmacy so I get "disabled" if you know what I mean. At that point I'm too anxious to pull it through just because I know I've been doing a charade. It's like the whole build up is too demanding, scary and sucks so much energy that I'm already completely spent when it really matters.

It's like my social strategy helps me get there but prevents me from ever getting close to somebody.

There has been times with people that have known me longer, but they too gave up on me pretty quickly and I don't have time to wait for new love interests to turn up among future job colleagues or somewhere in the circle of friends.

Soon I'm too old to ever manage sex and love. I'll be completly wired into living without intimacy and then a relationship is impossible. So anyone who knows about these things and overcame it, please help me!
I don't know if the real problems is about a bed self image, being too nervous, having too much AS or what!

I'm going to go ahead and qualify my advice by admitting that I know have an easier time of it, #1: I'm a girl, which makes it easier at least at first, #2: I just though I was weird until 21, so i integrated social strategies into my personality out of necessity.

But that being said, HONESTY. Most women have strong nurturing instincts. We like quirkiness. It's probably not a good first time you meet topic, but when a girl starts to show a hint of romantic interest, or casually asks about past dating experience, It might be ok to mention that your AS makes it tricky to relax and be truly open. She'll like the feeling that although you have trouble with being yourself around others, you are opening up to HER. But i would leave it to a short line or two at first, because one of the big turn-offs during the "getting to know you" stage is too much information.

Thank you. Yes, I can see how that could work actually.
I have gotten further in the past by saying that I'm really nervous around new people and warm up slowly. Maybe it's better to be a bit more clear.

I agree one shouldn't go into detail because then it sounds lika a giant trauma. If you brush it over lightly, I think it gets interpreted as something undramatic like: 'I have a bit of dyslexia'. 'I'm near-sighted' or whatever.

Yeah, I explained to my now boyfriend pretty early on that I have mild aspergers, and what that means in social situations. He was really understanding, and even helps me when we are aound others. Now if I start to get to loud, or ramble, he'll gently put his hand on my wrist as a signal.

I'll vouch for this. Im not dating an AS-guy, but am in another relationship but I have two male friends with AS and I adore them both so much. Took a little while for me to realise and understand how AS worked and that they arent "supposed" to respond to others. One in particular is close to me, we are near best friends - even if we only meet up a few times a year and otherwise have contact online.

I find it really refreshing and nice when he can be himself around me. (cause then I interpret that into him trusting me - which is a compliment). When he drops out of a conversation and zones in on the TV and seems unable to hear me spite the volume of the TV being on low, I dont get annoyed. I smirk to myself and mumble "off you went, huh." and await him to come back to my world. The fact that he no longer feel the need to excuse himself for this profusely like he did in the start - knowning now that it doesnt annoy me the slightest - there is no conflict. I know he isnt rude to me. I know he isnt trying to ignore me or hurt me and I know I dont bore him. Its just that his main obsession is sports, so there could probably be a row of naked can can girls in the room and he wouldnt notice if the highlights of the day were played on the sportschannels.

I did notice in the start that he was making an effort. But when he did he grew tired faster, and withdrew from me completely to relax or "ignored" me for the following day and then suddenly back to normal - or seemingly more normal. I have to admit, its a bit bothersome at times some of the quirks and being his girlfriend might drive me up the wall half the time - being his friend is only really rewarding. Fortunally he is able to see himself through my eyes at times and he loves making me laugh (if I do he goes on and on almost stand-up comedian style until the dead horse gets back up and starts beating him back) so the fact that odd quirks of his sometimes makes me chuckle, doesnt seem to bother him a bit. It seems to strengthen his notion that I am not bothered by his quirks. I dunno why. Maybe laughter is a signal he is certain is a positive one. (He has some troubling reading me othertimes - has concerned been asking me whats wrong when nothing was wrong, I was just thoughtful or preoccupied maybe).

All in all, if the personalities clash I dont think AS, ADHD, NT, whatever has anything to do with anything. If there is chemestry between two people one learnes to love the odd bits and bobs about one another, regardless of diagnosis or not. But being open about it helps.

For me, the friendships with the two AS guys of mine met a turning point when I realised that expecting them to respond like everyone else I am used to and like myself - is as dumb as expecting someone blind to see. Pretty much my motto in dealing with this now, so I try to assist, help and otherwise let them go through the odd routines they want/need to feel secure and then enjoy their fantastic personalities that comes in the quirky package.


I'll say one thing. It's never boring. (At least not for me who often see little and no logic in "half" of whats done/said )