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JazzofLife
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11 May 2010, 10:03 pm

Hi all.....

Taking a break, so chose to come on here. Outside of dating/relationships, I'm great. People enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around them. Then, again, I'm AS and AD/HD combined. However, when it comes around to asking women out, I so am shy (and I hate it, personally). So shy to ask a woman out. Sure, I've been involved in local organizations and such, so I've done a good job with building up my support base.

I've wanted to ask at least a few women out, but got gun shy each and every time. I just couldn't pull the trigger, as the old saying goes. I've thought of reverting to online dating sites and that sorta thing. I've thought of going the pen pal route, and getting to know someone that way as well over time.

Any ideas?


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Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"

Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007

Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus


CaptainTrips222
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12 May 2010, 12:26 am

JazzofLife wrote:
Hi all.....

Taking a break, so chose to come on here. Outside of dating/relationships, I'm great. People enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around them. Then, again, I'm AS and AD/HD combined. However, when it comes around to asking women out, I so am shy (and I hate it, personally). So shy to ask a woman out. Sure, I've been involved in local organizations and such, so I've done a good job with building up my support base.

I've wanted to ask at least a few women out, but got gun shy each and every time. I just couldn't pull the trigger, as the old saying goes. I've thought of reverting to online dating sites and that sorta thing. I've thought of going the pen pal route, and getting to know someone that way as well over time.

Any ideas?


Hmmm... well my friend, I'm sort of in the same boat. I'll see a female in public that catches my eye, think about approaching her, talk myself out of it, talk myself back into it, and say screw, and try anyway. I hate it too. My heart rate picks up and I get butterflies in my stomach, but I wait until she's alone or there aren't a lot of people around and I force myself to do it.

You'll get probably get better advice before this thread dies down, but I personally have never had much luck with the online route- only one endeavor actually panned out. But you're not me, and if you're like most people, you'll be glad you tried the online route! Or why don't you ask a female friend to set you up with a friend of hers?



Chronos
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12 May 2010, 1:17 am

JazzofLife wrote:
Hi all.....

Taking a break, so chose to come on here. Outside of dating/relationships, I'm great. People enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around them. Then, again, I'm AS and AD/HD combined. However, when it comes around to asking women out, I so am shy (and I hate it, personally). So shy to ask a woman out. Sure, I've been involved in local organizations and such, so I've done a good job with building up my support base.

I've wanted to ask at least a few women out, but got gun shy each and every time. I just couldn't pull the trigger, as the old saying goes. I've thought of reverting to online dating sites and that sorta thing. I've thought of going the pen pal route, and getting to know someone that way as well over time.

Any ideas?


I think, if I were a guy...I'd just ask.

To be honest with you, I always thought very highly of the handful of men who have asked me out, because I admire them for their bravery and was always very flattered that they liked me.

Reasons I've turned men down.

1. Wasn't ready to date.
2. Didn't feel I was what they were looking for/lack of mutual compatibility.



JazzofLife
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12 May 2010, 5:23 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Or why don't you ask a female friend to set you up with a friend of hers?



Actually not a bad idea.. never thought about that one. Why do all the hard work myself, when someone can do it for me instead idea.

I'll post what I discover, as I find out more.


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Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"

Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007

Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus


JazzofLife
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12 May 2010, 5:27 am

Chronos wrote:
I think, if I were a guy...I'd just ask.

To be honest with you, I always thought very highly of the handful of men who have asked me out, because I admire them for their bravery and was always very flattered that they liked me.

Reasons I've turned men down.

1. Wasn't ready to date.
2. Didn't feel I was what they were looking for/lack of mutual compatibility.


Sounds completely good to me.
Jazz


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Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"

Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007

Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus


Weiss_Yohji
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13 May 2010, 2:45 pm

To the OP: I'm the same--I think of asking a girl out, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm scared to do so. I feel that if they ever found out I'm an Aspie, they'd despise me for it, and thanks to being put in special classes against my will back in high school, I think it effectively discouraged me from picking up chicks. Makes me feel like my approach will be seen as awkward.



Basperger
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13 May 2010, 2:52 pm

I think we all have a mutual problem, not knowing what someone is thinking.

The relationships I've had (you only need one hand to count them) were all initiated from the female, I'm too shy, or it requires a lot of alcohol...



roadGames
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13 May 2010, 3:20 pm

Don't put much value into your interactions with a girl until AFTER the first date. This attitude solves everything, imo, because you're going to have nothing to lose and everything to gain by asking a girl out. You have to be careful in situations where she knows all your friends, though. You need to be able to read her level of interest through her non-verbals as manifested in the pragmatics of your conversation with her. Don't put much stock into what she says if you're thinking of asking her out, but rather how she says it. Watch her eyes and see if she'll hold direct eye contact with you for extended periods of time. Learn the difference between closed and open body language.



If she's basically a stranger and doesn't know anybody you know, who cares then, suggest somewhere cool to meet up and get her number. Being scared of doing this is only a symptom of not trying to do it enough and doesn't have all that much to do with ASD (or at least my ASD, PDD-NOS). I think it takes less social skills to get into sexual relationships with women than to befriend people.



ToadOfSteel
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13 May 2010, 4:19 pm

roadGames wrote:
Don't put much value into your interactions with a girl until AFTER the first date. This attitude solves everything, imo, because you're going to have nothing to lose and everything to gain by asking a girl out. You have to be careful in situations where she knows all your friends, though. You need to be able to read her level of interest through her non-verbals as manifested in the pragmatics of your conversation with her. Don't put much stock into what she says if you're thinking of asking her out, but rather how she says it. Watch her eyes and see if she'll hold direct eye contact with you for extended periods of time. Learn the difference between closed and open body language.

I still don't understand body language at all. It's easier to deal with people I know because my long-term memory builds up an archive of how they respond to any given situation as well as clues to their personality. In effect, I can predict how a friend will react to a given situation. Not so for a complete stranger.


Quote:
I think it takes less social skills to get into sexual relationships with women than to befriend people.

Not in my experience... I can make friends fairly easily, but anything romantic (or sexual) is nearly impossible, and requires a woman that is really understanding of my shortcomings and is willing to look deeper to see anything in my personality that might have some merit...



JazzofLife
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13 May 2010, 9:02 pm

roadGames wrote:
If she's basically a stranger and doesn't know anybody you know, who cares then, suggest somewhere cool to meet up and get her number. Being scared of doing this is only a symptom of not trying to do it enough and doesn't have all that much to do with ASD (or at least my ASD, PDD-NOS).


Definitely no one at work. Definitely no one at my bank (although there's this one teller at this one branch of my bank I would ask out if she didn't work there). The problem with asking someone at a bank out is that they only have so much time in dealing with each customer and that's all. They don't have time to simply just talk with a customer all day. Any ideas?

The social meetings I have been to and such, I haven't had much success in asking people out and all. Will try the local Green Drinks event this month. I'm not trying to do it enough - and I know this. Really, yeah, doesn't have much to do with ASD.


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Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"

Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007

Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus


Mosaicofminds
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14 May 2010, 12:44 am

@Toad: "I still don't understand body language at all."
Different people flirt differently, but I've noticed one dead giveaway that someone is interested in you: they look into your eyes, intensely, for a very long time. Normally, people hold eye contact with you for a couple seconds, then look down or off to the side, then look back up at your eyes. Widened eyes and dilated pupils a bonus (if you're perceptive enough to notice that; I'm not, at least on a conscious level).

There's a saying I heard once that goes something like, "if someone is staring at you, they either want to eat you, fight you, or mate with you." I think there's a lot of truth to that.

I hope therange will expand on open vs. closed body language. That could be useful. I have an intuitive sense of what he means but I don't think I could unpack the specific gestures for you. :(



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15 May 2010, 10:46 am

Just ask her out BUT make a bit of preparation first and be careful about how you ask the question. Any question that needs a yes/no response is dangerous because she can just say no but sliding a copy of the local paper in front of her and asking her to pick a movie might work better.

Vanilla_Slice



Mosaicofminds
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15 May 2010, 3:17 pm

Would it help to invite her out to do something but not specifically refer to it as a date? If you're able to convey how you feel about her when you guys are actually out together, she'll probably be able to figure out it's a date. I don't know if this is common in general, but in my age group, I think it happens a lot.



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15 May 2010, 3:36 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
I still don't understand body language at all. It's easier to deal with people I know because my long-term memory builds up an archive of how they respond to any given situation as well as clues to their personality. In effect, I can predict how a friend will react to a given situation. Not so for a complete stranger.


@Toad, take a look at @Sound's "Love Links" post. There are several links on decoding body language.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt121534.html


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Sophist
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16 May 2010, 9:09 am

Online dating sounds okay. Just make sure to be picky. ;)


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