Asking women out....

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Hi all.....

Taking a break, so chose to come on here. Outside of dating/relationships, I'm great. People enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around them. Then, again, I'm AS and AD/HD combined. However, when it comes around to asking women out, I so am shy (and I hate it, personally). So shy to ask a woman out. Sure, I've been involved in local organizations and such, so I've done a good job with building up my support base.

I've wanted to ask at least a few women out, but got gun shy each and every time. I just couldn't pull the trigger, as the old saying goes. I've thought of reverting to online dating sites and that sorta thing. I've thought of going the pen pal route, and getting to know someone that way as well over time.

Any ideas?

To the OP: I'm the same--I think of asking a girl out, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm scared to do so. I feel that if they ever found out I'm an Aspie, they'd despise me for it, and thanks to being put in special classes against my will back in high school, I think it effectively discouraged me from picking up chicks. Makes me feel like my approach will be seen as awkward.

I think we all have a mutual problem, not knowing what someone is thinking.

The relationships I've had (you only need one hand to count them) were all initiated from the female, I'm too shy, or it requires a lot of alcohol...

Don't put much value into your interactions with a girl until AFTER the first date. This attitude solves everything, imo, because you're going to have nothing to lose and everything to gain by asking a girl out. You have to be careful in situations where she knows all your friends, though. You need to be able to read her level of interest through her non-verbals as manifested in the pragmatics of your conversation with her. Don't put much stock into what she says if you're thinking of asking her out, but rather how she says it. Watch her eyes and see if she'll hold direct eye contact with you for extended periods of time. Learn the difference between closed and open body language.



If she's basically a stranger and doesn't know anybody you know, who cares then, suggest somewhere cool to meet up and get her number. Being scared of doing this is only a symptom of not trying to do it enough and doesn't have all that much to do with ASD (or at least my ASD, PDD-NOS). I think it takes less social skills to get into sexual relationships with women than to befriend people.

@Toad: "I still don't understand body language at all."
Different people flirt differently, but I've noticed one dead giveaway that someone is interested in you: they look into your eyes, intensely, for a very long time. Normally, people hold eye contact with you for a couple seconds, then look down or off to the side, then look back up at your eyes. Widened eyes and dilated pupils a bonus (if you're perceptive enough to notice that; I'm not, at least on a conscious level).

There's a saying I heard once that goes something like, "if someone is staring at you, they either want to eat you, fight you, or mate with you." I think there's a lot of truth to that.

I hope therange will expand on open vs. closed body language. That could be useful. I have an intuitive sense of what he means but I don't think I could unpack the specific gestures for you.

Just ask her out BUT make a bit of preparation first and be careful about how you ask the question. Any question that needs a yes/no response is dangerous because she can just say no but sliding a copy of the local paper in front of her and asking her to pick a movie might work better.

Vanilla_Slice

Would it help to invite her out to do something but not specifically refer to it as a date? If you're able to convey how you feel about her when you guys are actually out together, she'll probably be able to figure out it's a date. I don't know if this is common in general, but in my age group, I think it happens a lot.

Online dating sounds okay. Just make sure to be picky.

I'm not good at keeping admiration to myself and tend to blurt it out at the person. The worst that's happened is they've said no thanks. They're always flattered though. The worst part is the anticipation. The actual rejection was never enough to prevent me from talking to the next person. I hope that helps.