Some practical bits for and from relationships...

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There's a lot of discussion about being unable to find a relationship; there are a lot of threads complaining about the quality of their relationships. So why don't we share some positive things we've each learned in the hope that we can build a better mousetrap between all our ideas?

For example...

When a sentence starts with "Honey, what do you think...?" then that is the equivalent of a Marital Miranda warning; anything I say at this point can and will be used later on, and I have to force myself to disengage from anything else or run the risk of creating future problems or miscommunication.

When I have to have my space, go walk, whatever I have to do, it is imperative that I find a way to indicate that I am taking time for myself and not leaving the other person. Since I am often less than verbal at that time, it is something we have to discuss in advance.

Any other tidbits? I'll add more later.


M.

thats a great thread idea M

I find its very helpful to ask my partner to pop to the shop for some groceries if I want some time to myself as that way he does not take offence or feel rejected.

I also find if we have had a stressful time (eg busy transitions/social outings/nasty chores) its really important to then add some nice time together like cuddleing up and watching a dvd, it helps put right the cross/stressed feelings and re-bond us.

If I am having sensory issues and do not wish to be touched, I tell my partner immediately, and always in the gentlest way I can. That way his feelings are not hurt if I am not cuddling him, or if he forgets and touches me and I recoil.

When I am upset, there are certain things she can do that are generally (not absolutely helpful), which include holding my left hand, or placing a hand upon the back of my neck. Communicating these needs at one time and needing them at another can be difficult since they aren't 'related' in space to for her, but they are invaluable to helping me when possible.

Always say thank you; don't always say it the same way.


M.

I am a disciple of Elvis ... a little less conversation, a little more action if you please!

I have some general dating advice that might be helpful for Aspie males.

I know it's hard to understand and empathize with from an Aspie male perspective, but women want relaxation at first. They don't want to meet a guy who throws his issues in her face and needs to be mothered right from the get go.

I had a thread on here months ago about how I turned off my old neighbor on facebook by coming on too strong. I made it sound to her like the only reason I was on there was for her. NT women don't want to be obsessed over from some guy they barely know or haven't seen in a long time, even the not-so-good-looking ones.

I told her all these "feelings" I thought I had for her (just through the memory of her and seeing pics of her) and told her about the Aspergers and what I'd been through since high school, and she even admitted later "I was happy to hear from you at first, but then you got all weird."

NTs in general don't understand what it's like to feel desperate for answers. They go with the flow, and even if they're inquisitive, they keep it to themselves and just live their life as is.

Aspies don't have the option of always being relaxed or being a phony. If something's wrong, it festers in our mind and we can't function or do anything.

What I'd suggest to those Aspie males, like Toad, who don't want to join the NT dating scene, is to make good friends with women, and at the same time, show romantic and sexual interest so they know you aren't asexual and they view you as a potential lover.

Thank you, but the purpose of this thread is mainly for things to do within a relationship - not to once again rehash anyone's beliefs on how to get a relationship. You've expressed your opinion on their methods; I would ask that you not continue to repopulate other threads on the subject, please, and keep those comments to their own threads on their situations.


Do things that your partner enjoys - even if they are uncomfortable for you. That doesn't mean go in without warning; if there is potential for a problem, I let my wife know. But I make the effort even when I do not want to, and even when I don't feel capable, because she has told me that the effort is important to her.

Offer and ask for compromise, always. If something makes you unhappy, share it - and ask what you can do to reciprocate the gesture.


M.

A simple solution, would be to just find the right person for you. If you are with someone that is really compatible, you won't have to worry if you, or the other person are saying the right thing, or doing this or that right. Things should just happen naturally.

Too many relationships fail because those couples aren't on the same wavelength, and they try to force themselves to be like the other person, or vice versa.

Curious; I have to disagree here. Too often, relationships fail not because of a lack of compatibility... but from a lack of commitment and effort expended in making them successful - for the very reason you state, that people expect compatibility to equate to an absence of issues. Making a life with someone else requires a level of compromise and communication that I could not have otherwise even considered without experiencing it. Without compromise, relationships are largely destined to fail in my opinion. It is an interesting perspective, though - I can see where it is based from.


M.

I will agree with you about relationships requiring effort, no matter how compatible the other person is, but if your with someone that is compatible, it will require a lot less effort. I think that many people don't put in the effort required, because they either don't really want a relationship, or they aren't fully interested, or commited to the other person. All relationships require compromise as well, but if you are with the right person, this isn't much of a problem, because both of you will like similar things, and each of you will be complimentary to each other. Communication is also important, but again, if you are with the right one, this shouldn't be much of a problem either.

Basically you want a relationship where you balance each other out.

Now that's a sentiment I can agree with. I just think some people also rely too much on compatibility, or think it should be easier than it is based on what they've read, watched, or the little bits shared with other committed couples.


M.

Talk and listen. Remember that neither of you are mind readers. If you want something then don't expect them to magically know this. State your preferences clearly and make sure you listen to theirs. If in doubt, ask.
Try to take unexpected behaviours in context. Sometimes this means taking the time to stop and consider how they are likely to be feeling in general, then applying it to the situation before reacting to their behaviour. A lot of the time actions make a lot more sense if you consider them in their emotional context.