Infidelity/Cheating: Your Take

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The problems, as I see it, are that:

A) Peoples' minds change. They might accept you one year.... and the the next, somehow, their mind changes. If that happens to you, then that's certainly less your fault. But people can potentially change their minds easily. Even if it isn't easily, it's simply prudent to assume that your significant other's mindset will vary as they go about life, and have ups and downs in the relationship. It would be nice if we were sturdy as oak, but we are, in fact, human.

B) You could be slacking off. If you have less drive in life, if you pay less attention to your partners desires, if you lose physical health and attractiveness, etc, then you are forcing your partner to continually re-commit to someone else as you let your physicality and quality of character slip. They can accept you as you are at some point.... But are you quite the same person later? Do you exude the same strength and qualities that attracted and kept your partner in the first place?

C) "Hey babe, I really gotta talk to you... You're gaining weight, and I don't feel like having sex with you as often. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but I cannot control it. Could you start to work out?"
Or,
"Honey, hold on a sec... My friends men are making me jealous, cuz they do surprise special things with their lady all the time. I want you to do special things and make it feel like a random surprise, but it's actually not at random times. I want you to bring me my favorite flowers on days that represent minor landmarks in our relationship that most men would forget. And I want you to change it up every time. And I want you to schedule surprise vacations to that spot I really liked, but I don't want you to ask me where to go, I want you to just remember those little things all the time... And I want you to randomly cancel your night out with the guys without me asking you to."

Pfft....Yeah, right. Those are some fights bouts to happen, right there. They're coarse and blunt examples, I know; Details of the the example jack-assery aside, there's an idea I'm trying to illustrate: You can't always say whats on your mind.

Communication only goes so far, particularly when there's potentially repercussions, discomfort, and fights involved. Some things are simply not gonna get brought up, even if it's on your mind. It's well established that relationships are about compromise.... and choosing your battles. But even if you choose to stretch yourself for your partner and compromise, even if you choose to let your partner have their way instead, even if you try to change your mind for them, it does not necessarily mean your mind is changed. Not really. The supposedly abandoned thoughts and desires remain, despite ourselves. And that represents one small part of a cumulative potential.

Commitment and marriage in the modern world world is fragile. Women are less afraid of their man beating them up, the divorce taboo is highly softened, gender roles are more flexible, social expectations aren't so rigid, single mothers are slightly-less screwed. There's fewer, softer barriers from breaking commitment, so when things get rough, we are now more prone to breaking commitment, and the divorce statistics don't lie. Much of those is prompted by cheating. So what are you going to do about that...? Nothing?
'Nothing' is a viable answer, so long as you can handle being cheated on. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a disappointment, to understate.

A beautifully refined falsehood in it's most pure form. You are wrong.

This is what I have usually discussed with the guys I get involved with (once I recognize I'm becoming emotionally involved). It seems a fairly reasonable request to make that they simply tell you they've found someone else before it's gone too far, and one that I believe should go without mentioning. Unfortunately, I've had too many friends (guys and gals, alike) that have explained to me their thought processes/personal justifications for cheating in the past, and don't feel I can necessarily expect fidelity unless I express this. Even then, if someone wants to cheat, they will.

I used to think the same rationale... Why would you cheat? If you find someone you have a deeper connection with, or if the current relationship is deteriorating despite whatever efforts are made to preserve it, that is perfectly understandable. The primary reason I have heard others profess for cheating however, had to do less with finding someone whom they care about/understand/connect with more, but more often that they like the excitement of perchance getting caught. The risk involved. The lying, deception, juggling the schedule, hiding evidence actually gives a "rush" of some sort. Adrenaline, most likely. Not my cup of tea, and I have a hard time understanding it, especially when people's emotional welfare is at stake. Doesn't exercise do the same thing?

I agree with everything you said, but this last part looks like a logical fallacy to me. I don't think it's being realistic to avoid taking significant blame if you contributed significantly to the outcome.
Particularly when you take into account how rampant cheating is.

You're right that the moral buck stops at the end of the causal chain, the moment the potential cheater decides whether or not to whip it out(or earlier, depending on your definitions). But that doesn't erase the reality of the moments before it, and the people who are significantly involved. To avoid taking significant responsibility, as the victim, is self-deluding, false reassurance. I reject the notion that one persons significant contributions are somehow less relevant than the other's.

... BTW, Lene:
it is easy to jump to conclusions regarding the weird, pragmatic stuff I'm spouting here, like blame reversal or rationalizing cheating, but I see that you're not doing that. I think that's pretty cool. Much respect.

I am FIRMLY AGAINST any sort of infidelity. I saw it destroy two already unstable marriages.

Nice. Good call.

LOL Good call #2


.... everyone's against infidelity, Northeastern. No one rationally thinks cheating is a good idea.

Yeah, but people do use it sometimes as a revenge tool. But for me, I couldn't cheat whatsoever. I would have to tell the other person beforehand that the relationship is over.

That's what they all say. If you follow through, good man. If not, well, that's common.

I'm almost amused that people say they would "never, ever, cheat," as though the future is so certain. To understand cheating, you have to take into account the dynamics of other people. You really never know what's going to happen, and I think more infidelity happens "in the moment" rather than in a premeditated act.

I never thought I'd be one to cheat on ANYONE. My first slip, oddly enough, was at band camp (don't laugh). The relationship was already heading south, and I should have split with her then. The first mistake for me was trying to come clean about what happened (which was minor, but my young brain couldn't quite make out the difference: "Sex" wasn't even in the vocabulary back then). The relationship had its ups and downs after that, but the downs were really bad. So I figured out I could make out with other girls just as long as I kept my mouth shut about it.

And then I went to college. Freshman year was quite an adventure. We'll leave it at that.

But then when my girlfriend joined me the next year, I felt I had to live an extremely restricted lifestyle. The worst part was trying to include her in my whole new world and then having to listen to her judge my friends--and I never really had friends in high school.

Someone else on here made the statement that cheating would never happen because no one else would ever be interested in that person. That kind of mentality nearly matches my own experience towards the end of my relationship. I'd resigned myself to the idea that this woman would be all I'd ever have, even as miserable as I'd become in that relationship. All it took was the attention of another woman at exactly the right time for me to realize "hey, this isn't all that's left for me."

My point is save yourself the heartache of thinking you've hit the end of the road because you don't think anyone else will have you. There will always be something/someone else out there who, even for a moment, looks like a better deal than what you have. That applies even if you've found "the one." I don't want to be with anyone other than my wife and I'll do everything I can to avoid cheating. But I think it's foolish to deny that temptations can and do exist.

I say in (half) joking that I would support the death penalty for marital infidelity. (Cheating in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation isn't great either, but I think it's a more grey area).

My family was destroyed by my father's infidelity (of course, it didn't help that the woman was my mother's best friend.) I was 9 when she told me he was leaving. It made me zero-tolerance.

Sound: I'm confused by the stance you're taking, because you seem to be implying that it is the responsibility of both parties involved to never change. Isn't that kinda unrealistic? Beyond that, isn't it kinda sad? Who wants to never change, never grow? If you're stance is that lifelong monogamy isn't really feasible, then I guess I can see the point you're making (though I don't agree)...

Oh...and it's not true that everyone is against infidelity. I've known men who PREFERRED married women and vice versa because the felt it dramatically lowered their emotional/financial responsibilities to the other person. I've also known a couple where the man was cheating and didn't know his wife knew, but she was relieved because she still loved being with him, but wasn't really interested in sex.

i think people will cheat on their lovers because they're selfish and take pleasure hurting them. they don't realize that the opportunity for earning a boyfriend/girlfriend or even a friend doesn't happen everyday (we Autistics/Aspies should know) unless you're blessed with God-given good looks to get their attention. that's how you get ahead in life.
it also leads me to believe that no one knows what love is anymore because it doesn't mean s#!t. 'love' nowadays is considered 'f**king' with people, and the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am/sir!" mentality is very popular too.
now i know for certain why i'll never be in a relationship. it's one thing to be bullied in school and to be taken advantage of because i'm an Aspie, and looking back on it it makes me question how i'll be treated during adulthood. if a guy tries to approach me, starts pretending to act nice to me, or giving me these fake-ass compliments then i don't want anything to do with him. i know a fake when i see one. so, why bother having a relationship? because i know i'm not beautiful, social-savy, or experienced when being around people and end up hurting emotionally (or physically).

A fisherman should never throw a good fish back into the sea.

I haven't cheated. If my girlfriend cheated on me, that would be it, relationship over. I could never trust her ever again and you can't have a relationship without trust. I'm always amazed by people who can move past their lovers cheating on them.

I don't understand why, instead of cheating, someone can't:
1) Commit to monogamy and keep it in their pants for the sake of the relationship that they still want;
2) Break up with the person they don't like anymore BEFORE cheating; or
3) Pursue and establish an open relationship with one's partner from the start if that's what they need.

It isn't that hard to avoid monogamy if you don't want to deal with it, and just about anything is better than betraying someone you claim to love.

I am asexual, and my dad left my mom and our family by sleeping with my mom's best friend, so I not only have no understanding of why someone would even want to cheat, but I have a personal reason for having no respect for people who cheat.

thus far I have not, and I hope I never do. I don't think about other people when I am with someone, because I always think they are 'the one'. I guess that is common. I really don't understand people who are flirts and can flirt with several people at one time. I guess it's like eating to them, you eat all kinds of different food during the day and it is all good. Maybe they are getting their food groups in or something. I only need one food group, the person I am with. If it isn't working out, we just break up and then I am usually single for a long time. It takes me a long time to get over people.

My ex said I cheated on her because after we broke up I slept with another woman. l was never supposed to be attracted to anyone ever again in my life...I think that was her thinking because she was a prototypical Leo. I think it shocked her that I got involved with someone else. I was just sick of her disrespecting our relationship and making like it wasn't important and she could easily find someone else. Well, guess what, so could I. I was not (and never will be) sufficiently worshipful of her. I bet if I had kissed her @ss better we would still be together. But I can't do that with anyone, no matter who they are. I just blurt out the straight story, and women like her can't take it.

I don't think i'd ever be able to cheat, it just seems utterly wrong to me. My girlfriend has become one of my aspie intense interests/obsessions that prolly even 500 years from now i'd prolly still be crushing on majorly like some poor moonstruck fool . 'Cause once i get attached to someone, i'm stuck like super glue, and loyal 'til the end.

& the thought of losing her makes me feel sick.
So there is absolutely no way in hell i'm going to anything to screw that up.
nope, no way no how.

Have you read Anna Karenina? This made me think so much of the infidelity/food metaphor conversation between Stiva and Levin...

"Suppose you're married, you love your wife, but you become infatuated with another woman..."
"Excuse me, but I decidedly do not understand how I...just as I don't understand how I could pass by a bakery, as full as I am now, and steal a sweet roll."