What do you do when people give you "false" encour

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Bataar
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25 Mar 2010, 1:13 am

So the other day, I was talking with my mom and I don't remember how it came up, but she said how she thinks someday I'll meet some girl who will "knock my socks off". She knows I have Aspergers and that I've never had a girlfriend or female friend of any capacity in my 31 years so I was kind of taken aback. I just went back to my reasoning of how I don't have a viable way to meet anyone and that I don't see "that girl" just coming to the house for some reason. When I said I don't have a viable way to meet people that's what I mean. Other than work (only guys) and a few hobby/game shops (also only guys) I don't really go anywhere. I don't have a reason to. People tell me to get out more but never to what end. Yeah, I could walk out and stand in the middle of the street by myself but what good would that do anyone?



Maika
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25 Mar 2010, 1:23 am

I ignore them :)

I'm in pretty much in the same boat you are, except that I'm a girl lol. I don't like to go to many places so I don't really see the opportunity to meet someone. I'm not going to force myself to go to a bar and try to keep myself from having a meltdown for the sake of meeting a guy....who will probably like the bar scene anyway and any relationship we would have would die because I can't stand places like that. Even at the place I work, though I work with mostly males they're mostly married, engaged, dating someone already or just plainly unattractive to me. I prefer to let fate run it's course, if there is someone out there for me then I'm bound to meet him by some random circumstance XD


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Apple_in_my_Eye
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25 Mar 2010, 1:40 am

I suppose I just let it slide. I realized a while ago that sometimes people do that to avoid uncomfortable or depressing conversations. IOW, they know, but think "why say it out loud (and feel the badness of it)"? And I think parents have a natural aversion to being despairing to their offspring. So they say things they know aren't true sometimes. They're just never going to say, "yeah, you're right. It'll never happen. It's hopeless."



ValMikeSmith
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25 Mar 2010, 1:46 am

8O Hey, ya know what? Um, I think I know where all the ladies are at. :idea:
Have you ever been to something like a Shopping Mall? Nah, probably not.
Only Girls would go there. They don't have much guy stuff... :wink:
Oh wait! There's FOOD and MOVIES and ... uh... Oh Yeah, WOMEN! :D

This post is intentionally silly. :lol:



Sound
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25 Mar 2010, 1:50 am

I hate false encouragement.... But in the end, they're right to do it, because what's important is your morale. When you give up, you fail. Up until that point, you have not failed. If a friend can forestall giving up via encouragement, then they're doing a good thing, regardless of the reality as you perceive it.



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25 Mar 2010, 4:55 am

I get that less and less but used to all the time. I just smile and say nothing.



jagatai
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25 Mar 2010, 7:59 am

Apple_in_my_Eye wrote:
I suppose I just let it slide. I realized a while ago that sometimes people do that to avoid uncomfortable or depressing conversations. IOW, they know, but think "why say it out loud (and feel the badness of it)"? And I think parents have a natural aversion to being despairing to their offspring. So they say things they know aren't true sometimes. They're just never going to say, "yeah, you're right. It'll never happen. It's hopeless."


I agree with this. Actually I sometimes find myself giving false encouragement particularly to one friend who has a very defeatist attitude. I try to be honest, but sometimes I catch myself saying something I don't really believe. By doing so, I hope that if his mood lightens, he might get the motivation to climb out of his depression. But I think it also comes from a fear of getting dragged down by his depression myself.

To people who seem less fragile, I can be very blunt and honest.

Lars



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25 Mar 2010, 8:03 am

I ignore it, I'm too old to be lead on by that kind of stuff now. If I haven't learnt my lesson by now that relationships are NOT like you read in love stories or see on Disney, or simply that it is rare that people will actually put themselves out for you in the same way you would them, then I never will.


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Hector
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25 Mar 2010, 8:16 am

People who say these things may feel obliged to say something, but don't want to say anything discouraging. I typically put it down to this rather than it necessarily coming from some well-founded conviction.



Bataar
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25 Mar 2010, 11:32 am

It's not that I don't like going places, but I just have to have a purpose or reason to go. I'm an activity centered person. If someone invites me to a party and I ask what will be going on and he says something like just hanging out, I'll probably skip. If the same person says that they'll be playing some specific games, watching a movie, etc I'll probably go because there will be something to do there. For the record, I consider talking/visiting as doing nothing.



alana
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29 Mar 2010, 4:11 am

No one really encourages me. My family is homophobic so they'd rather I have no sex than gay sex. They'd rather I just be single for the rest of my life.



Taupey
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31 Mar 2010, 8:06 pm

My evil little grandmother is always saying things which she knows will never happen. She also finds sly little ways of saying negative things and then she won't shut up about it. For example: "Well if you didn't have bad luck, you would have no luck at all." She seems to thrive and relish on other people's misfortune. A few years ago, I started pointing out what she was doing to other's in my family, and she's been pissed off at me ever since. I know most people will say things to try to lift you up when your down. I understand that. When it happens and I know someone honestly has my best interest in mind, I gently brush it aside. But sometimes you also got to watch out for those people like my evil little grandmother. She's a psychic or energy vampire for sure.



hale_bopp
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31 Mar 2010, 10:51 pm

When people say "go out more" don't take it literally.

They mean get more hobbies and do more things. Going out is going to the movies or dinner with friend or even on your own more often. Go and read in the park to enjoy the sunshine. Take up some more hobbies, rock climbing, anything until you find something you enjoy. Join a gym, go to work parties, to to gaming cons, I know someone said it as a joke, but go to the mall and look at the stuff. Go on a dating site, get a job in the weekend where women work for 3 hours pw, do community service. Travel, go hiking... These are how people network.

No-one has a reason to go out apart from work and essentials. They do it to try to be interesting and enjoy themselves.