Has anyone thought about/wished for an arranged marriage?

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I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for this post but I am being serious about this & I hope all you guys would least listen to my reasoning.

I think an arranged marriage would be a good idea for me & possibly other people with AS. I have an extremely hard time meeting people offline. I spend a lot of time at home & don't get out much. When it comes to asking women out for a date; it's an extremely humiliating process for me because I get nervous, say the wrong thing & I usually end up having the woman I liked mad at me. The idea of actually going on a date with someone scares me even more because I'd be worried that she'd dump me 1ce my AS & other flaws would come out. There would be quite a lot of pressure to impress her & I HATE pressure. I think that people are waaay to picky when looking for a partner & I think that the majority of relationships fail because one or both people do not take the relationship seriously. I believe it takes a lot of dedication, commitment, communication & compromising to make any relationship work & I think that is the reason for most relationships failing. I would much rather spend my time paired with someone learning how to make it all work instead of trying to find someone who I likely won't find or will dump me after a while. I've talked about this before on other sites & lots of people think I'm crazy but I really wish I lived in a more conservative traditional country where arranged marriages wer done because I've known people from other parts of the world that had that & it does sound a lot easier & less complicated to me than the whole dating charade.

I've ran across some stuff before while searching for Autism/AS dating resources & some other people on the spectrum have talked about it as well. I'm wondering if anyone here has thought about this or likes the idea

Arranged marriages might work PROVIDING the person doing the arranging knows what they are doing AND both parties are happy with the arrangement.

Vanilla_Slice

I understand the appeal based on your post. But I don't understand how it would be possible unless you already belonged to a culture that does this. Arranged marriages tend to be done by parents of the prospective bride and groom and tend to be done for cultural reasons. If you don't already belong to a culture that does this, no parents of a prospective bride would consent to have their daughter marry you because they want her to marry somebody within the culture. If that wasn't #1 importance to them, they would just let her date and not arrange a marriage for her.

Weren't most arranged marriages in the cultures that such was commonly practiced in made for mostly economic reasons?

I'm not exactly asking if it was possible but if anyone has any ideas; I want to hear em. I was thinking more of as a theory. Most people in the US do not like that. Maybe some of the members here who like this idea could try dating other people who also like the idea & they could both stay committed to making it work. Or maybe some of the people could move to another country/culture; I would if I had the money & resources to. Certain religious groups push members to get married & maybe some people here do get pressured but don't let em. I really like the idea of an arranged thing thou & I wish it was an option for me

From what I've read (various anthropology and sociology books) it has historically been for economic reasons. But more recently it has been for cultural/religious preservation. Parents do it to keep their children within the cultural/religious framework. That's what makes it so unlikely for somebody not born into a culture that practices it. The parents want a good provider for their daughter, yes, but preference, probably 100% preference, will go to a man within that culture/religion.

mail-order brides....russia/czech republic/estonia/etc

My mom tried to set me up with a guy once. It became immediately clear to me that she was out of her mind. I'm so very glad my parents couldn't do it.

I have known a couple of people who were in arranged marriages and they seemed fine. It's all in what you consider marriage to be, I guess.

My, this will sound odd, step-grandmother's mother was a picture bride who came from Japan to Hawai'i pre-WWII. She said when she first met her husband she hated him, but that she grew to love him. These days, she has his picture set up at a shrine and burns incense for him since he passed away some years ago.

And I think it is sort of arrogant to judge someones standards in a partner. True some people aim higher than they can afford to but as long as they don't simultaneously complain about singledom then that is their right. It is always a persons right to choose who to be with. It is not however a human right to have a partner.

Just felt the need to put that out there as I wish someone would have told me that in a way that made me believe it. When I look at my past I would gladly trade my early romantic history with singledom and "too high" standards.

This would be relatively favourable, in the mean, to groups of people more likely to remain unmarried despite wanting to. Which includes men with AS, surely.

Of course, given my upbringing, I'm inclined to feel that if I were to have an arranged marriage that I basically just gave up trying to find anyone who wanted to have a relationship with me, which would severely wound my ego. Maybe after another ten years of remaining single it'd be something I'd want more.

One time when visiting my father he invited me to a restaurant, and spent the drive over telling me about one of the waitresses. He introduced me when she was about to take our order, and when she left he asked me if I found her attractive. I asked him if he was trying to set me up. He said, "no, she has a boyfriend" and never brought her up again. I think the notion has crossed his mind, anyway, as he's hyped up a couple of other young women to me in this manner. My mother is a bit harder to read.

That pretty much sums up what my mother told me all my life since I was a young girl "Be Picky."

But I don't think that's what he means though. I think he means that people are often very judgemental of people before they give them a chance getting to know them at least. They don't have to become partners, but a lot of potentially great Boyfriends don't get a chance to prove themselves.

Then again though, people cannot choose who they are attracted to, and attraction can die just as fast as it hits, and that's why there is so much heartbreak in this world.

That's what I meant Thanx for explaining it. I don't explain things rite sometimes (or lots of times) I seriously do NOT understand attraction. I do feel attraction towards people I don't know well but after I know a single women a while; I usually start to like em even thou I may of not liked em or even may of had a slight negative opinion at 1st. I know I do have my share of problems but I'm not chasing women who are prefect. I mainly want someone who will accept & love me

I have never thought about or wanted an arranged marriage. I definitely would not be interested in one.

I would never give up my freedom like that. I will marry someone only if I feel a real connection.

I would probably do pretty well with an arranged marriage. My parents have known me for my entire life and I trust that they would be able to find a good mate for me that would get along with both me and my family. It would also be nice to have a clear set of obligations and rules to follow. At the moment I feel lost in my relationships because I don't know what I am supposed to do and what is she supposed to do. Life would be much simpler if I was expected to have a bunch of kids and follow in the family business. I would live close to home and be able to take care of my parents. My mom would keep my wife in line and teach her how to cook all my favorite foods.

Doesn't sound like such a bad deal for me. . .

To answer nick007's question, yes I have thought about this. The thing one has to realise, however, is that all relationships are work (in the sense that they require significant effort, time, and energy) no matter how they come about. As much as I like the idea of being in a relationship, the reality of my life is that just getting by consumes almost all of my time and energy. I simply do not see how I could make a relationship work . (Perhaps it would help if I did not waste so much time on WP? )

Nevertheless, if the OP (or anyone else) is interested, there are a wide variety of websites catering to people who are interested in finding a spouse, rather than just casual dating. Many of them are focused on specific cultural/ ethnic groups, in which arranged marriages are still common (although you will find a few westerners on those sites as well), but others are geared more towards the typical westerner.


Anyway, here are some loosely related articles and documentaries:

Netrimony: Online dating in India
BBC World Service, 9 March, 2010
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/docum ... mony.shtml
(Podcast: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/docarchive/all )

"Russian Online Marriage Fraud Is Booming"
http://www.worldpress.org/Europe/2111.cfm

"How Do I Love Thee?"
"A growing number of Internet dating sites are relying on academic researchers to develop a new science of attraction. A first hand report from the front lines of an unprecedented social experiment."
By Lori Gottlieb
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/arc ... thee/4602/

"Logging On For Love"
"The author [Lori Gottlieb] of this month's cover story talks about love and the new research that's being produced by Internet matchmaking services"
By Elizabeth Wasserman
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/arc ... love/4573/

"Better Mating Through Circuitry: A Q&A with the woman [Virginia Vitzthum] who literally wrote the book on online dating"
by Sarah Hepola
http://www.nerve.com/screeningroom/book ... avitzthum/ .

(I recommend you take the "science", discussed in the some of those articles, with a big grain of salt.)

Finally, a nice film:
"Sweet Land"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0428038/