Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him

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alex
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01 Jun 2010, 12:23 pm

you should ask him out on a date.



petitefille
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01 Jun 2010, 12:34 pm

Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate your help.
Well there are more to say but I am not going to reveal too much details.
To be honest I dont know what I want from him anymore, I genuinely liked him and wanted to be his friend.
I felt comfortable talking to him and wanted to know him better. However it did not work out as I hoped.
I dont think it will ever work out but if he does not mind I would like to be his friend.
I am already in relationship( very unhappy one )and he knows about it
Having to chat to him made me very happy at work and I even looked forward to going to work because I could see and chat to him...I thought he might be the one who will make me happy. But I guess it's not.

Ive decided to learn to ignore his behaviour. And actually his behaviour was not bad today. :roll:

Just one more question would be it offensive to him if I ask him whether he has high functioning asperger syndrome ?



RainSong
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01 Jun 2010, 1:01 pm

If he doesn't want to talk to you about anything other than work, the best thing to do would be to respect that entirely, even if you're curious about his diagnostic state.

On the flip side of what others have been saying, I think it's quite possible that he really doesn't want to talk to you and just doesn't know how to react to the situation. If he does have some sort of social disorder, he may not know how to behave around you anymore. I find I am most socially awkward around those I do not wish to converse with, because you have to rely solely on body language then. For someone who's not naturally adept at such, it becomes a struggle not to send the wrong signals.

If he truly has not interest in you, it comes down to that both people have to want the same thing. If he doesn't want to talk to you, no matter how much you want to talk to him, it won't work out. You can't make a relationship based on only one person's desires.


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alex
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01 Jun 2010, 1:04 pm

petitefille wrote:
Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate your help.
Well there are more to say but I am not going to reveal too much details.
To be honest I dont know what I want from him anymore, I genuinely liked him and wanted to be his friend.
I felt comfortable talking to him and wanted to know him better. However it did not work out as I hoped.
I dont think it will ever work out but if he does not mind I would like to be his friend.
I am already in relationship( very unhappy one )and he knows about it
Having to chat to him made me very happy at work and I even looked forward to going to work because I could see and chat to him...I thought he might be the one who will make me happy. But I guess it's not.

Ive decided to learn to ignore his behaviour. And actually his behaviour was not bad today. :roll:

Just one more question would be it offensive to him if I ask him whether he has high functioning asperger syndrome ?


I'm; going to be frank with you and I hope you don't take this as an insult.

First of all, his "behavior" doesn't seem to be a problem and seems like he's simply not putting up with the fact that you want something from him despite the fact that you already in a relationship. From what I can tell, the ball is in your court. If you don't get rid of your current boyfriend and ask him out, you are the one who is to blame for things not working out. He has been there for you in the past and you deleted him from your facebook. Seems like you're sending a pretty clear message in that case. I don't know how you expect him to react to that but I wouldn't have put up with this situation as long as he did.

It seems like he isn't the one you should be calling "childish"



petitefille
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01 Jun 2010, 2:17 pm

RainSong wrote:
If he doesn't want to talk to you about anything other than work, the best thing to do would be to respect that entirely, even if you're curious about his diagnostic state.

On the flip side of what others have been saying, I think it's quite possible that he really doesn't want to talk to you and just doesn't know how to react to the situation. If he does have some sort of social disorder, he may not know how to behave around you anymore. I find I am most socially awkward around those I do not wish to converse with, because you have to rely solely on body language then. For someone who's not naturally adept at such, it becomes a struggle not to send the wrong signals.

If he truly has not interest in you, it comes down to that both people have to want the same thing. If he doesn't want to talk to you, no matter how much you want to talk to him, it won't work out. You can't make a relationship based on only one person's desires.


I think he does not want to talk to me for sure and hates me too.
When I called him a few weeks after I got rid of him from facebook friend list, he told me that he did not know what to do.
I dont know what he meant by that. He also mentioned that he does not have any experience etc and I am not sure what he meant by that either. When I questioned about it he kept slient. We could not talk for long at that time as he was about to get a tube. He said that he would think about what to say. We decided to talk about it next day but I just went home since I knew that I had to initiate the conversation at the end of the day (contacting him etc). At that time I thought I would not bother if he does not make an effort etc.



Last edited by petitefille on 01 Jun 2010, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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01 Jun 2010, 2:18 pm

petitefille wrote:
Mudboy wrote:
I have a similar problem when I feel hurt by women. If I start and remain in the friend zone I am fine. It only happens if I thought the relationship got serious then went bad. I don't totally ignore the girls, but I try hard not to look at them or get into conversations with them. I wish they would apologize and tell me they love me, but that is fantasy and would never happen. Since I don't know how to handle it, I avoid them. I worry if I give an inch, and look at her, my self control will all crumble, and I would try for the friend zone again. If I tried the friend zone, it probably would not work. I don't know if I would cry, or be entirely too forward and needy seeming. It feels like I am falling in a trap when I look at her. I want her, but she will destroy me. Am am a moth and she is the flame.
Hello Mudboy
A moth and the flame I like your quote maybe you should try harder to express yourself to whom you love. If he were to say something like what you wrote to me I would definitely fall in love with him.
Can I ask you one thing though what do you mean by you wish they would aplogise to you, what do they need to apologise for if you dont mind ?
The apology would be to let me know they overreacted and really did not mean to send me away. That they wanted to take their actions back and start over.
Be prepared for one of two reactions: Fear and lashing out, or desire.


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Pandoran-March
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02 Jun 2010, 7:10 am

I've been in situations similar to that before. When I really fall for someone, and they push me away like that, it hurts more than anything. He's probably fighting in his mind trying to figure out what to do, and he just can't find the answer. I've had situations like that, and it can last for months, potentially years.

It might be worth talking to him, apologizing, and perhaps even going on a date. A dynamic like this wouldn't happen unless you were both interested in each other.

No wonder people have problems dating...


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02 Jun 2010, 8:00 am

Just from reading the posts, it seems as if both parties involved have been extremely childish. At over 30 years old, I'm guessing this isn't normal behaviour for them, but some people bring out the worst in each other.

I don't agree with Alex that you should ask him out on a date; I think the more distance between you the better (emotionally, not physically), and asking him on a date after all this drama could be construed as harrassment (i.e. your job could be on the line). But I do agree that you should not be attempting a relationship with another guy when you are already in one. Call it judgmental of me or whatever, but it does reek of immaturity that you can't extricate yourself from your 'unhappy' relationship before moving on to the next one.

Don't contact him again. Keep all communication brief and formal and basically, don't give a s**t what he thinks. Why bother worrying about whether he is aspie or not, or whether he secretely crushes on you? There's no point. If you're that bored, take up philosophy and have a shot at the unanswerable questions there.

I think you should probably avoid his office for your own sake more than his. Any reminder of him is going to keep this crush going. Better to take the long route (wear flats if necessary) and force yourself to move on. If calling him a complete j*** and a b*****d etc under your breath helps, then do that; trying to figure him out and diagnose him won't.



poppyx
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02 Jun 2010, 8:03 am

Frequently, it's not like it does anything,

They just go, "Oh, that's what's wrong with me. You'll have to adapt."

For some people the diagnosis is irrelevant, and it will make them no more accessible to you than they were before.



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02 Jun 2010, 10:35 am

petitefille wrote:
I dont know where to start.
It has been going on like this for 6months. Ive just joined this website to ask you all for advice. please help me.
I am not sure if he is an aspie but I know he is not normal compared to most ppl I met, a bit like a robot very formal and he has a weird intonation sometimes when he says hello. He seemed to say something he already prepared and if I asked him further questions he usually got very embarassed and gave me innocent (but yes embarrasing) response.
He is my colleague. I found him cute and so we started having a casual chat whenever we ran into in a corridor at work. I found him that he was hanging around pretending getting a drink outside my department in the evening and thats where we usually had a chat.
There were a few misunderstanding between us and once I texted him that I misjudged him and called him rude and removed him from my facebook friend list which was quite immature at that time but the reason why I did is because he did not respond to my text ever. He blocked me on facebook on the day I removed him. Next day he came to work without shaving which is very unusual in fact first time I think.
and then he started avoiding me whenever he sees me at work. turning around, hiding, pretending he is having a coffee etc,
I found it ridiculous as we are now in our 30s professional etc
I tried to confront him and then he emailed me that I made him uncomfortable and awkward to know what to say to my questions or message so asked me not to contact him outside work or non-work related matter.
I was hurt and found it very offensive. We sometimes have to communicate via emails at work and I suggested try not to bump into each other as he found me uncomfortable so it was fine for a while.

Sometimes I still run into him then if I look into his eyes he does the same thing.I am the one who look away in the end. If I make a face expression he copies me exactly the same way I do?. Anyway last week we had to email each other for work related matter in the morning and a few hours later I found him walking pass my department and he saw me ( I was walking towards his direction ) then he tried to avoid me again? I am not intrested in talking to him anyway and he started doing this weird behaviour so I dont know what to do with this. He sort of realised that I caught him trying to avoid so he decided to pretend to take a coffee out of machine instead.

He is really cute (innocent) and I admit that I still have a feeling for him but I dont know if I can put up with his behaviour. I am not talking to him ( and am not going to talk to him for good as he askekd me not to) so I dont understand why he starts behaving offensively again.
Does he hate me that much ?
Can anyone please explain why he acts like this ? He is well educated (degree level) and professional. I really dont get why he is like that ? But in the email he is always very polite and says thanks a lot although sometimes I dont find it necessary to say thanks.

P.S A few weeks ago he came around to ask something that I had at that time. My colleage sitting behinds me told him I have it but he didnt look at me at all he awkwardly looked down at opposite direction I could see that even my colleague found it strange. So I had to pass the thing he wants to my colleague and my colleage passed it onto him although we were only a few inches away. and I caught him trying to look at me then turned his head really quickly when I saw him.
Is he going to act like this forever ?????


Look at it from his POV -- you burned him. To outright attack him, call him rude, remove him from your facebook account, used relational aggression, and then think everything is going to go back to normal is to be ignorant both of how men are (not that emotionally volatile, and not that quick to forgive once attacked), and especially those with social anxiety and communications issues. You dropped the equivalent of a social atom bomb on him, something worse than a rejection. Many of us with social issues take rejection especially badly. AS folks have this compounded by not being able to "read between the lines" Men already have this problem, but a man with AS? Forget it. If you want to clear things up, invite him to lunch or coffee, be nice, state very clearly what it is you want, and go from there. Otherwise, stay away and stop feeding into this. If you like him, take action, if not, move on.



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02 Jun 2010, 1:11 pm

Lene wrote:
Just from reading the posts, it seems as if both parties involved have been extremely childish. At over 30 years old, I'm guessing this isn't normal behaviour for them, but some people bring out the worst in each other.
I resemble that remark. At 50 years old, I can say that it is normal behavior for me, because it is a coping behavior that works for me. Sometimes things work themselves out, sometimes they don't. I don't see how being mean to someone because their autism is showing helps anything...


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petitefille
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02 Jun 2010, 1:19 pm

Lene wrote:
Just from reading the posts, it seems as if both parties involved have been extremely childish. At over 30 years old, I'm guessing this isn't normal behaviour for them, but some people bring out the worst in each other.

I don't agree with Alex that you should ask him out on a date; I think the more distance between you the better (emotionally, not physically), and asking him on a date after all this drama could be construed as harrassment (i.e. your job could be on the line). But I do agree that you should not be attempting a relationship with another guy when you are already in one. Call it judgmental of me or whatever, but it does reek of immaturity that you can't extricate yourself from your 'unhappy' relationship before moving on to the next one.

Don't contact him again. Keep all communication brief and formal and basically, don't give a sh** what he thinks. Why bother worrying about whether he is aspie or not, or whether he secretely crushes on you? There's no point. If you're that bored, take up philosophy and have a shot at the unanswerable questions there.

I think you should probably avoid his office for your own sake more than his. Any reminder of him is going to keep this crush going. Better to take the long route (wear flats if necessary) and force yourself to move on. If calling him a complete j*** and a b*****d etc under your breath helps, then do that; trying to figure him out and diagnose him won't.


I need to defend myself a bit here. I may have caused a great deal of stress for him however there were weeks of sleepless nights for me too. There were times that I almost got over with him until he hung around outside my department when I was about to leave for the day. For instance I could see him walking back and forth outside my office 3 times in 5 mins taking drink out of my office machine (he has his own just outside his office but he came to use my office machine). After I left I saw him coming back and looked into my office and then scratched his head etc.

What I wanted to get from here is how I am going to deal with his odd behaviour towards me. That was my main conern. and I am just trying to understand what is going on in his brain so that I will not hate for good.

And actually it is very difficult not to see him at all like today he came around 4 times to see someone who sits in front of me. so I sort of had to see his face. I usually would not stare his face but I wanted to look at his face today dont know why...but it's something to do with this thread I guess.

BTW one of the reasons that I removed him was he already started acting odd avoiding me when he sees me in a hall way he turns around and so there were many occasions that I walked behind me. I have not done anything wrong at that time I was offended so I got over with him and then a week or 2 wks later he started wondering around me.
Well I dont know hopefully time will sort out. I am not going to talk to him anyway. It's way too late to patch things up and now all I want is how to deal with this guy when he acts odd towards me. I ignore his behaviour but mentally I do get stress as a result of his odd behaviour. Maybe I am an aspie too.

p.s we both just turned 30 well but yes I agree that we are immature.



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02 Jun 2010, 1:37 pm

petitefille, do you wear a ring? Does he know you are in a relationship? That would cause me serious confusion. I thought one of the women at my work was single, and now she is bothered that I don't visit her as much as I used to. Another one got in a relationship and is not bothered that I reduced my visits. I don't visit them as much now because I don't want to harm the relationships they are in, just like I would not like some guy getting fresh with a woman I was in a relationship with. I am now very self conscious of what I say around them now.


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petitefille
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02 Jun 2010, 1:46 pm

Mudboy wrote:
petitefille, do you wear a ring? Does he know you are in a relationship? That would cause me serious confusion. I thought one of the women at my work was single, and now she is bothered that I don't visit her as much as I used to. Another one got in a relationship and is not bothered that I reduced my visits. I don't visit them as much now because I don't want to harm the relationships they are in, just like I would not like some guy getting fresh with a woman I was in a relationship with. I am now very self conscious of what I say around them now.


He knows that I am in a relationship. He asked me if my current relationship is not going well so I told him that I am in an unhappy relationship. I could see that this guy tried to stay away from it for the same reason as yours probably. He is a decent nice guy and I really liked him for who he is until he acted weird towards me.



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02 Jun 2010, 2:22 pm

petitefille wrote:
He knows that I am in a relationship. He asked me if my current relationship is not going well so I told him that I am in an unhappy relationship.


The key word you mentioned here is "I am in an unhappy RELATIONSHIP".

I wouldnt even look at you after that statement if i were him. Your problems are your own: either dump your current idiot that make you unhappy and try things out with the Aspie guy, or stay with the idiot that make you unhappy and be miserable for your entire life.

Its like this: either you are single and available - or you're not. Guys like us do NOT work well with uncertainty, and girls who are uncertain of what they want = Waste of time.


Quote:
I could see that this guy tried to stay away from it for the same reason as yours probably. He is a decent nice guy and I really liked him for who he is until he acted weird towards me.


I'm sorry, did you somehow forget that he is an Aspie? When you are trying to understand how a computer works, think like a computer. Dont think like an albatross. That just gets f-ing confusing.

The normal "gameplay" rules you NT people love goes into the trashbin. Can i be more clear than that?

Threads like these...


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