Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him

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Gromit
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12 Jun 2010, 11:14 am

petitefille wrote:
Gromit wrote:
Perhaps he's adjusting faster than I did.

What do you mean by he is adjusting? Do you mean he is fine now feel comfortable with me , moved on ?

I was thinking it looks like he is getting over feeling acutely awkward in your presence. That is already guesswork, so I don't want to be more specific.

petitefille wrote:
So according to your previous comment I now have to keep ingoring him, never approach him in a friendly way.

Not quite. In a similar situation I first got a clear message to get lost, then something ambiguous that may have been friendly or may have been merely polite. I needed clarity, but didn't get it. I find a clear "Get lost" preferable to mixed messages or accidental or deliberate ambiguity.

If both of you have gotten over acute awkwardness, you now have opportunity to decide what sort of relationship you want. If you just want to be colleagues, you can be normal colleagues. or whatever else works for both of you. It would help if both of you worked out how things went wrong, and how to avoid it. Perhaps you are just too incompatible to be anything more than colleagues, even if you like each other. It can happen. Mutual affection and respect is not enough for friendship. If you can be friends, all power to you, but it takes work.

petitefille wrote:
I dont think I will ever talk to him unless he initiate first but I know for sure it will never happen.

I can think of several ways for you to be right. He may want your friendship, but doesn't think you want it. He may want your friendship, but thinks that even if the feeling is mutual, you two are too incompatible for friendship to be possible. He may no longer be interested in anything more than a good working relationship. Your description makes the last appear less probable, but I haven't seen how the man is behaving and wouldn't be a good judge if I had, so I thought I had to include it in the list.

If you had that problem with me, the way to find out what's happening at my end would be to ask, because I would assume you wouldn't want me to ask, and it would take a lot for me to ignore that. Giving me hints wouldn't work.

I am guessing you feel I am telling you that if you want to be more than a colleague to this guy you have to do all the work. If you naturally have an indirect communication style, you probably will continue feeling that way. I can tell you that someone who needs a direct communication style feels he has to do all the work when dealing with someone who is naturally indirect. If you are mismatched in this way, you often will both feel that you have to make most of the effort. Even if you both understand what is happening, you may carry on feeling that way, because feelings don't always follow knowledge. If that is the root of the trouble between you two, you both have to decide whether the benefits of friendship are worth the effort. I can't predict how much it would take for either of you.



f23fh
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14 Jun 2010, 9:04 pm

Pandoran-March wrote:
petitefille: I think the guy still likes you, but you really seem to be doing just about everything possible to destroy your chances with him. You can't continue to play social games like this, and hope he'll get it. You need to make some decisions, and be clear with him. If you're not, you're just going to mess with his head, and he'll end up despising you.


Yes.

Let's assume the guy is an aspie. From what I can tell, he's probably STILL attracted to you (IMO he wouldn't be trying to avoid you if he didn't find you attractive) but awkward as hell and afraid to show it. You were hitting on him but then you managed to confuse him, so he threw a fit and lamely attempted to cut you off because he doesn't know what's going on, and now you're sitting on all kinds of awkward.

Being an aspie male, I can easily put myself in dude's shoes. You probably scared the hell out of him by deleting him from facebook, making him feel rejected before he even did anything wrong to you; rejected simply because he's shy and awkward. Like every other woman he's ever met. No wonder he told you to stay away from him. Luckily being an aspie male, I also have the cure for this whole 7-page situation:

Wait until he's in a good mood, approach him, be VERY nice (aspie guys LOVE it when you're nice to us for no reason, especially if you smile at us), explain that you're still attracted to him. Apologize for the last few months, and tell him you'd really like to spend time with him outside of work. His first reactions will probably be confusion, suspicion, fear and denial. Persist and make it absolutely clear that you have no ulterior motives. If he reacts negatively to this, fine. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Then you can go back to avoiding eachother at work and all that good stuff.

But seeing as you're both immature as hell, I don't think it's going to work out. Prove me wrong.



petitefille
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15 Jun 2010, 9:41 am

Quote:
Let's assume the guy is an aspie. From what I can tell, he's probably STILL attracted to you (IMO he wouldn't be trying to avoid you if he didn't find you attractive) but awkward as hell and afraid to show it. You were hitting on him but then you managed to confuse him, so he threw a fit and lamely attempted to cut you off because he doesn't know what's going on, and now you're sitting on all kinds of awkward.


Would it make things different if he is not an aspie?
I would avoid (or ignore) someone who fancies me unless I fancy him back so there might be a chance that he does not like me more than a colleague. And you said awkward as hell and afraid to show the fact that he likes me or so. How would you show somone as an aspie if you fancy someone ? I meant we used to chat and smile from a distance.
Therefore he seems to know how to show affection???? - > please let me know what you think of that.
Occasionally I made him awkward as conversation went on as he got stucked what to say to my quetions ( he sorta lied to me with common well used expression then if I ask further questions related to what he said...as he did not prepare for that (or lied) he ended up saying completely opposite ? so he got embrassed)

Anyway I dont know how he would show the fact he likes me if he really liked me. wonder..
of course he cannot show it to me unless it's mutual. Do you aspie guys show your affection to someone you like ?
I believe that he never had a gf.

Quote:
Being an aspie male, I can easily put myself in dude's shoes. You probably scared the hell out of him by deleting him from facebook, making him feel rejected before he even did anything wrong to you; rejected simply because he's shy and awkward. Like every other woman he's ever met. No wonder he told you to stay away from him. Luckily being an aspie male, I also have the cure for this whole 7-page situation:


I felt that I was being played. Suddenly since X-Mas/New Years holidays he started avoiding me first so how would that make me feel? I simply ignored and moved on a bit then he started hanging around my department as I mentioned many times above. He once waved at me (not a proper wave..just lifted his hand at me lol) when we ran into each other outside my office.
I dont think I am the one who confused him he confused me! I didnt know he is an aspie so I thought he was playing a game with me.

Quote:
Wait until he's in a good mood, approach him, be VERY nice (aspie guys LOVE it when you're nice to us for no reason, especially if you smile at us), explain that you're still attracted to him. Apologize for the last few months, and tell him you'd really like to spend time with him outside of work. His first reactions will probably be confusion, suspicion, fear and denial. Persist and make it absolutely clear that you have no ulterior motives. If he reacts negatively to this, fine. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Then you can go back to avoiding eachother at work and all that good stuff.


oh well there is hope. hopefully there will be a chance for me to smile at him.
And I did apologise and now he owes me an apology for his offensive behaviour regardless his intention.

Quote:
But seeing as you're both immature as hell, I don't think it's going to work out. Prove me wrong.

thanks for that!



huytongirl
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11 Sep 2010, 2:40 pm

I was amazed to find this thread. I am in almost the same situation, Facebook and everything - except we go to the same mantal-health drop-in centre, and I am a female Aspie, and I'm pretty sure he's Aspie too. We had a MASSIVE row last May, via Facebook, over him arranging to meet me and some friends for coffee and emailing to say he wasn't coming way too late. And I said, So you never want to see me outside the Centre? And he emailed, Yes, that is correct. And ever since then, oh my God it's been so mad and stupid. Sometimes we get back on all-but speaking terms, and then he shuts down again. It's a 1,0000 page novel, but here are three things:

1. He said catagorically he did not want to see me outside the centre, but he did come to two events outside it which he knew I'd be at - even though we were on dreadful terms at the time (ie, events with only a few others present). And he still attends the writing group there, which I always go to, and will talk to me then - but in a sort of aggrieved tone, sometimes. I get the feeling (self-obsession, maybe) that he's dying to Tell Me A Few Home Truths.

2. At the start of August we actually had a conversation, albeit a brief one. Then a friend of mine (and his), who is a teacher, came to the writing group during the school holidays. He tried to touch her arm - and she leaned as far away as possible as she could from him - right up against the wall to get away. After that, he stopped coming to the group while she was there, and stopped talking to me. Also he offended a friend of me and my friend (if you follow me) so here we have these two women who he used to get on with, but who dislike him intensely now - and I'm their friend. So I wonder if he classes me as "one of those horrible women." I also wonders if he pointedly ignores me because I'm the only one of the three of us who he can "punish" - the other two just avoid him.

3. Last time I tried to speak to him, he ignored me and started talking to someone else - putting his hand in front of his face, as if shielding himself from me. I told my teacher friend, and she said, "That's what I do when he talks to me."

The other thing is, I find him so sexually attractive it's almost intolerable. I've never told him that because he said one time he has no sexual desires and will never fall in love again. I've accepted that fact from the start. I did once very casually invite him out for coffee, but he said No, so I left it after that.

He's blocked me on Facebook (after I came off his friends list - (it actually never occured to me that that might have been hurtful, since he hurt me so badly first) and by email. We can't talk it over - tried it before this row and it failed, and also I'm scared he'll tell me he knows I fancy him and it'll be horrible and humiliating.

I know there's no answer to this. We're pretty much stuck like this. But anyway, strikingly similar, I think.



huytongirl
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11 Sep 2010, 2:58 pm

Also - here's some Aspie honesty! Sometimes I think he feels the same way and he's scared and doesn't know what the hell to do, so just shoves it all away - ignore her, walk away, pretend it isn't happening. And I take the anger, even the silent treatment, as proof that there's more feeling in there than just the niggle of dislike that lingers after an argument. Other times I think he realised I fancied him and was ABSOLUTLEY HORRIFIED AND COULDN'T RUN AWAY FAST ENOUGH. Mainly, though, I think he just replaced friendship with a grudge - far easier to cope with - and simply adapts to the awkwardness of seeing me round. And maybe in a year or so, if the centre's still open, he might start to chat to me again. I think the final idea is probably accurate, but I really couldn't say for sure.

Also I realise I made my friend sound like a total b***h in the post above. The thing is, he does touch people - well, women - not sexually -touch on the arm, leans too close, that sort of thing. She's told him she doesn't like it., and then he did it again. And now she finds him repulsive. The other friend - he shouted at her child because (and I only have this at third hand) he thought she was too near the road, and a row ensued. Now this other friend also avoids him and feels utterly furious about him.

There was also a third woman at the centre who has delusions - and one delusion was that he was after her in an aggressively sexual way. She used to shout at him to leave her alone when he was just sitting there doing nothing. She does seem to be coming out of it now, though - but it comes and goes.

Sometimes I wonder what on earth he must think of all of this. Actually, writing all this down makes me wonder if he maybe he's just decided it's better not to talk to women at all.



Lonermutant
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11 Sep 2010, 4:25 pm

He probably just wants sex, believing that you want kids, house and everything.