AS women in relationships - rule or biased sample?

Post Reply New Topic

As far as AS women seeming in general to be in more relationships than men, this does seem the trend on this website.

That being said, HOWEVER, there are any number of confounding factors that could be at work here; maybe only the women who are already in relationships feel comfortable posting in L&D, and single women may feel too threatened or overwhelmed to post their troubles here (as they would likely either get a. shot down (because they're a woman, what do they know about relationship difficulties?) b. pursued relentlessly by a large number of men on the site, c. get told that they have no excuse to have relationship difficulties as they have an obligation to be with one of the single men posting on this forum if they want to be in a relationship (because if two people of opposing gender and heterosexuality are both single and wanting to be in a relationship, that automatically means they should be in a relationship with each other? right?))

I myself am a single AS woman who would like to be in a relationship, and is trying to charter the dating world in my own daily life, but I tend to refrain from posting my problems up here because of afore mentioned reasons.

Even saying that in a response post is risky, again for afore mentioned reasons, so I will make a few points clear.

1. I am navigating relationships and dating in my daily life (a.k.a. I am NOT interested in online or long distance relationships, because I believe they are ultimately pointless, plus I don't believe you can know whether you're attracted to someone romantically if you're never met them. This is only my opinion, and my personal slant on things - I respect that for others it may be different).

2. Trying to be in a relationship is not the centre pin of my life. I have many other things going on that are equally important to me. I am not willing to "settle" or "lower my standards" or "try anything" to get in a relationship. That being said I do believe compromise is vital (obviously). But if things don't work out, and I never manage to successfully navigate the dating world, then I will simply stay single indefinitely. I have acknowledged this possibility, and, although sad, I don't think it would be the end of the world of this happened.

3. Just because two people are single and are interested in being in a relationship does not mean they should jump into a relationship with each other. There are other way more important factors such as mutual attraction (which again I believe must happen irl), mutual interests and beliefs, etc.

The fact that I even feel the need to make these points speaks volumes about the nature of this forum, and possibly the reason why so few single AS women seem to post here. I don't blame anyone for the forum being the way it is (it makes a lot of sense actually), and I understand where the guys in this forum are coming from. Plus I understand that this sort of overlying attitude has occurred due to a cumulative effect; as less and less struggling single women post here, everybody's viewpoint gets more and more slanted.

Another brief point I would like to make; just because AS women may get hit on more, or actually have people pursue them, it doesn't mean that these pursuers are the right partner for them. In my opinion, AS women lack the ability that other women have to control who they attract and to attract the right people for them, or to attract a compatible partner. What I mean by this is they may attract both good and bad guys (not necessarily just bad people), but none of these guys are an appropriate match. Generally, according to Western culture, it is the man's job to successfully pursue the woman once they've been given encouragement, but it's the woman's job to successfully give encouragement to the appropriate partner. This requires the woman a. to figure out who the appropriate partner actually is, and b. to understand all the body language and signals to give to this person, and how to not give the wrong signals to other men they do not want to be in a relationship with. This task I believe is every bit as complex and difficult as the task of successfully wooing a woman; however, it is like a silent social law; women are expected to know how to do it automatically, and barely any advice is given (compared to massive advice columns and websites for men).

I think part of the reason their is less help for AS women than men who want relationships is b/c of the higher male vs. female population. You are definitely right about different things being expected of each gender when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I wonder if aspie/autie males are more, equally or less likely to desire relationships tan their female counterparts? This may also play a role in who seeks & gets assistance with social disparities on this site.

I think that females with AS may find it easier to find a boyfriend. However, once in the relationship I think they would then be effected by the same problems that effect AS men. For example my earliest relationships I hurt my partners as I didnt understand a lot of stuff about how their feelings worked. This caused a lot of problems for me. and them.

Also, AS females can end up in abusive relationships just like anyone, and find them hard to get out of. IMO, being an AS female isnt a ticket to lovelife happiness (as is touted on this board sometimes ). Finding the right partner helps a lot though.

In my old profile, I posted in love and dating a few times when single. I was never hit on (tragic, I know )

Most men here, even the single ones, do not immediately presume you want to date them just because you are female. The only women I have ever seen hit on publicly in the site are ones who have profile pictures, and even then, it's light hearted.

I find many women post their problems in 'women's discussion' or in-depth adult discussion. These forums are less populated by eternal bachelors.

I made that mistake initially; my profile pictures were of me (although in them most of my face was obscured by giant flowers, or leaves and things). Publicly the flirtation was light hearted, but privately there were a lot of PM's and things and it was pretty overwhelming. I didn't like all the attention, although the vast majority of people who PM'd me were lovely people.

I don't think it's the individual members of the forum that cause the problems (in fact, most of the people who frequent this forum are really nice people which is why I come back), I think it's the overall culture of the forum that's at fault, and the culture colours peoples perspectives. Plus it's a hard culture to fight because the longer it exists ongoing, the more it feeds itself and the more people it influences.

I could go and post in 'women's discussion' or 'in-depth adult discussion' but that would feel like admitting defeat, not to mention that L&D is supposed to be for everyone, not just male members. Plus I'm not sure I like the idea of having a 'women's discussion' forum and not a 'mens discussion' forum, because it seems unfair and sort of sexist. Plus I like to discuss things and associate with people of both genders. I've always strongly disliked the sort of "all women" and "all men" exclusive cliques that exist in society.

You've got a point.

I have been unlucky in love and all things to do with the opposite sex, but as if i'm going to post my problems here, all that will happen is all the self proclaimed "nice guys" who can't get laid will come in rolling their eyes. This has happened before.

Apparently I deserve sympathy a lot less than these self proclaimed "nice guys" because I am a woman and women.. ."They don't have trouble finding a happy relationship, they have it so easy!"

I'd never date a man foolish enough to think women have it so easy, nor would I ever be friends with one. Half of these "nice guys" are single for a reason.

I agree with this completely.

I don't think it's easier for women - maybe to get a one-night stand or something.. I've never dated, have no idea when it comes to flirting and things like that.. on the other hand it's not a big priority for me so I don't have much to complain about.. though if I did, some of the misogyny is very off-putting. Though maybe, if it's confronted enough.. at least some people will get it.

I hate the "nice guys." They seem to have this video game view of relationships where you put in the proper inputs (money, dinner, movie, etc.) and get sex in exchange and if that's not how it works, it's the woman's fault for not performing her part of the program.

I'm new

I'm female, divorced a decade, I'm almost 40. I have a young teen daughter and I haven't had a date in two years. The last was me being blown off by a one-armed shriner clown, I kid you NOT.

I haven't even been pursued.

OK, I'm not young anymore, and not attractive like I was in my youth. And admittedly I don't have a rough time loving overall, but expression or appropriate expression is a problem for me. I'm not going to see anyone that I wouldn't allow my daughter around. So, the few relationships I have had in the last decade have been terrible. I end up being something to do in between other, better things. A lot of men my age don't do the bar scene, and chances are ones I would want to go out with wouldn't be anyway, so they aren't out looking for the one nighter. Many guys my age are parents also, so they are looking for someone to stick around a bit...and instead of being Ms Right, I end up being Ms. Right for the moment til something better comes along..

I don't want to whine and say ooooh I've been used...I'm a grown up, and I know the risks, but I can definately attest that it IS hard.

I think women with AS have just as many problems maintaining a relationship as males with AS do. Why would it be any different?

It bothers me that some women think most guys are interested only in sex, and don't want long term relationships. I am offended by the loud minority of guys who want sex without being in a relationship. I am also disturbed by the ones who want relationships without putting any effort into making themselves attractive to others..

Posting pictures of yourself can get compliments and flirting, but physical appearance is only a small part of who a person is. Online flirting should not be seriously, but is a playful way for one person to let another know that they are attractive. This kind of flirting can be taken to next level of meeting each other in person, but has the same pitfalls as meeting any other way. Some people who flirt are in relationships already. Some get too scared to act when they are taken up on a challenge to meet.

I think women are much more at risk of being taken advantage of by players who know how to manipulate others. After being used by men pretending to want relations, I am sure many have become shy of trying, much like men do from being shot down too many times. I notice a few of the women have also "switched teams" in efforts to have a meaningful relationship.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't automatically assume a guy just wants sex from a girl. I'm well aware a large number of youth/men have sincere interests in having a relationship of substance with a woman (or another man if they are homosexual).

This has been a point of heated conversation between my sister and I. She is completely NT and has NT views of intergender relationships. Her views of men and women are very polarized and most of her close friends are women.

Most of my socialization has been with men. My few close friends were always male and the majority of my classmates have always been male. I'm not claiming that these men were devoid of sexual interest, they ARE more sexual than women, but they were not nearly the sex crazed beasts a lot of NT women imagine males to be and it always kind of upset me that so many NT women had this perception.

A lot of women do not realize that men can be just as emotionally vulnerable as they are in relationships, and maybe a little more so because women tend to talk about their emotions amongst other women friends, where men don't express emotional distress to their friends to nearly the same extent, unless they have one really close friend who they feel they can confide in, and lot of men are a bit isolated in that respect so they turn to self destructive or less positive emotional outlets, or simply bottle it up.

I try to not think this about guys, but sometimes it feels like that because so many guys say that. It seems like guys say they aren't like that, but then you get in a relationship and then they get jealous about things because "all guys are thinking about sex all the time." There was a thread here quite recently about how guys don't want LTRs but just sex. "The vocal minority destroys the silent majority."

Rule or biased sample?

From my perspective I'll answer this carefully. I think that men and women have about an equally difficult time finding a good relationship.

A lot of the guys on this site are talking about sex when they talk about relationships. For the most part it is easier for a woman to find sex, which also may be why women don't feel such pressure to f**k at the first opportunity. The reason some guys are just looking for sex under the guise of looking for a relationship is probably more stupid than you would think. I'm not talking about hormones, I'm talking about peer pressure from other guys.

Ladies. you may not know this because you're not around when they do this, but guys are sh**s to each other when there is no female presence around. There is bound to be a guy who causes pressure for all the others to be very competitive about how many notches are on their bedpost and they will be absolutely horrible to any guy they find out is a virgin. Guys can be cattier than a mother in law who doesn't approve of her son's fiancee. Because of this, virgin guys feel a great deal of pressure to find any relationship, hence why it is easy for just about any girl to find a relationship.

However, this is not a good way to start a good relationship, and it becomes very frustrating. Some guys will feel guilty about chasing a skirt just for sex so they will try to justify it to themselves by telling themselves that they are looking for a relationship when really they are only doing it to not be the bottom dog and be abused by other guys. This applies to more guys than will admit it. Women sense something isn't quite right and this still ends up applying to many guys. Because so many guys are sh**s it is very difficult for a girl to find a good one. I'm sure ladies have their own problems some of which I don't know about but I think it is about equally difficult for either sex to find a good relationship.

To be perfectly blunt, and some guys won't like this, they blame it on women because they are too much of a pu**y to stand up to the other guys.

It seems like the rarer an individual you are and the rarer your needs the longer it takes. Positive feedback from the opposite sex can be flattering to a point but, quite honestly, I know how not being able to make anything of it is like going thirsty on a raft in the ocean.

I really hope most of the guys here aren't that naive to think she's single, I'm single, it should happen - if they do they're really missing the human condition and a good part of observation on their own realities. All the same though I wish you the best of luck on things, hopefully something will pan out as you dial in on what's most important to you - that's an endeavor that I think a lot of us spend a good portion of their lives trying to sort out.

i know this very well. apparently i'm invisible. or i don't count as a girl.

it may be easier for women to get a date or sex, but neither of these things necessarily indicates any true interest or compatibility.

if it seems more women here are in relationships, maybe (like NT women) they just talk about it more. or maybe it is easier, but it certainly isn't for me. in fact, if men are expected to be the pursuers, i think women are expected to do the relationship maintenance and upkeep and i can't make sense of any of that. i don't think anyone should stick to expected roles anyway, but men don't (in my experience) "cement" relationships. they take whatever's happening and are satisfied with it. there is some completely alien thing women seem to be adept at which has something to do with waving a magic wand of some sort and turning an unstructured arrangement into a relationship. i don't know what this is, and repeatedly fail to do it.

i don't know if that's the main problem though. if i tried to explain why dating has been so horrible for me, i would be here all night.

I have enough platonic male friends to know that men aren't only interested in sex, as the majority of the people I've been able to maintain connections with are guys, and I know that when a guy falls in love its apparently quite deep.

It would be easier to BELIEVE that men only want sex, or to think them all incapable of love, as a self-preservation thing. But I know that's not true.

I agree that personal appearance is a small part of who people are, but at the same time there is more emphasis on this with many people, whether they have a neurological issue or not.

I think you have to at least be attracted to the person. Now, good looking doesn't always equal attractive but many of my guy friends have been honest in saying that looks means a lot to them. That they are very visual and that many feel pressured by their peers to have eye candy on their arm and that there is inter-male teasing the goes on when a guy is dating a wonderful, but unattractive female. And some are more sensitive than others about this teasing, and feel its like they are judged by "that's all you can get?"

You would think that at my age it wouldn't matter, right? But the NT guys are going through their mid-life crisis and how they look to their peers is apparently important to them.

Add unattractive to having some personality issues and financial problems and no matter how nice, or intelligent, or interesting, or good in bed, etc etc etc, leaves a person pretty much undesirable as anything but a rebound or a secret.

I have nothing at all against anyone who is gay...I say more power to you if you are happy...but its not me to go to the other team either.