HELP! I'm in love with an Aspie

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Please help- I need all the advice from Aspie’s I can get! I’m in love with a guy whom I’m sure is an Aspie—I don’t think he knows it, though. My dad is an Aspie, so that’s how I’ve been able to assume this guy friend is one, as well.

Anyway, this guy friend is my best friend. We spend a ton of time together and relate extremely well together (no doubt, partly because of my familiarity with the behavioral aspects of Asperger’s Syndrome). Yet I’m afraid my friend spends large amounts of time with me just as friends, without any romantic interest at all. I would think guys without the syndrome would only communicate this often and relate in this way with someone they’re romantically interested in (i.e. their girlfriend).

I don’t know what to do—we’ve had talks in the past and he said he wasn’t sure about dating me now, but maybe in the future—yet I am not convinced he’s not interested because his behavior seems to tell me he is. What should I do? I really care for him. We’re best friends. I know he cares for me, too. Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated!

Last edited by cheetah on 21 Apr 2006, 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Congratulations! It's a good thing you can identify that he seems to have it.

A good book to read is Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships if you're getting to the age where you're thinking of sharing a life with someone. You can find it here:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843107341/sr=8-2/qid=1145653737/ref=sr_1_2/102-3254648-1856907?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Don't rely on his behavior and body language if he's truly an Aspie. And don't expect him to rely on your's either. We usually can't read it very well.

Be direct in meaning and gentle in tone when you need him to do something.

Don't expect deep meaningful conversations about how you feel! Be prepared for long one-sided conversations about his obsessions if he has any at the time.

Tell him when you need to be held because you're sad, or want affection when you're happy, or want him to leave you alone because you're angry. He'll be happy to do any of those things if you tell him.

In order to reduce his confusion, always SAY WHAT YOU MEAN and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY when you talk to him. We just can't take the hint.

Don't expect an exceptionally sentimental, romantic person. He just might be, but most people with AS see those things as something of less importance than reliability, predictability, stability, and loyalty.

Once you've got him and you've both agreed to be together, you will have a loyal partner who sometimes won't know how to express his love in the way in which you're probably used to. Know that if he's with you, even if he's not "connecting" with you, he's showing you that he loves you. If you need to, ask him if he loves you and he'll respond honestly.

Gift-giving times: Be sure to explicitly tell your partner what you want for those events. I'll usually sneak in a little surprise gift that I think my partner will like and he didn't ask for, but if I don't get direction or I get a "Don't get me anything" I won't get him anything. Then everyone is unhappy after that.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Ask him again. Ask him if he is interested in being your boyfriend. If he is an aspy, he will probably give you a direct and honest answer, perhaps a blunt one. Before you ask the question, you might want to list some of the reasons why you are asking (we get along so well, we care for each other, we enjoy each others company, etc etc). You may prefer to list fluffy romantic reasons why you want to be girlfriend/boyfriend with him, but he may be more persuaded by practical reasons, so keep that in mind.

Regarding reading his behavior, misinterpretation of behavior is a big problem for NT's with Aspies, so if I were you, I would rely more on what he says rather than your interpretation of his behavior. Interpreting behavior is fraught with error, even more so when NT's and Aspies are mixed.

If he does agree to be your boyfriend, the next thing you will want to clarify is whether he wants the relationship to include sexuality at some point. It would be a big mistake to just assume that he does, regardless of the stereotype of males.

And everything Sundy said!

Aspies are honest, so if he said he's not interested, he probably isn't.

Just one thing. If you're interested in trying a relationship with him, make sure you tell him before you ask. This will get an honest answer.

In my middle school years, I would often be faked out in this regard; a girl would ask me out with no intention of doing so, then humiliating me by saying they were just kidding. This is why he might be saying no...just maybe.

You have to get past his defenses.
Honestly he is probably terrified of being with a member of the opposite sex.
That doesnt mean he doesnt want to...it means it gets him overloaded.


Invite him to a movie...
take him to mcdonalds.
Keep it casual...dont create the "date anxiety"

you're not going out with a "normal" guy as defined in the NT
handbook so the key here is building trust this is a guy whos
probably been burned by girls playing games with him.

Try simple things like holding his hand and hugs...non-threatening
gestures.When he gets comfortable with that a kiss on the cheek
...everything is going to be really, really
new and scary for him.

Whether you're an NT or an Aspie, McDonalds is not the place for a first date. Nor would most fast food places. Starbucks would be good though, or a local cafe (I work in one that is quiet and seemingly upscale at some times of day, and like a Super McDonalds at peak times).



Hell ya. I can't repeat enough what voss749 wrote here. It's going to take a lot of assurance to the guy that you're not playing a dumb game that most girls play (and I mean most, because the vast majority of women I've dealt with turn out to be very cold and shallow, dismissing me on account of "innocence", "lack of experience", and other minor dumb things that come with being an Aspie), and you have to prove yourself. If he's like me, he'll be bitter and will need a lot of emotional support sometimes (especially if he has depression). That can take a long time, but by all means, always be there for him and don't run and hide when the going gets tough. Anybody who acts like a friend to an Aspie then runs off and hides loses a lot of points with me. If you were dealing with me as an Aspie, I'd say that holding my hand and other means of touch are a great idea. I'd love for a girl to cuddle with me - it's only happened once, when a certain girl I mentioned in another thread awhile ago was drunk, back two-and-a-half years ago.

My core advice is as follows. If you tell him you're going to call him about a certain thing at a certain time, then call him at the time you say. Don't ever say you're going to call if you don't intend on keeping your promise. I have had that happen many times and it is very difficult for me now to trust anyone when they say that.

Always be there for him if you tell him that you're always there for him. Don't ever say you're there for him then ignore his e-mails saying that he needs to talk, because that will hurt him very badly and thrust him further into depression, if he doesn't have it already.

Don't be afraid to joke around with him, but do it in moderation, depending on where he is on the autism spectrum. If you're dealing with me, then by all means joke around with him like you'd joke around with an NT, since I've learned most of the NT joking methods. But that won't work with everyone.

And, most of all, if he asks you something, don't ever sugarcoat or outright lie to him about what you're thinking, because he will find out that you're lying eventually and he'll be very hurt. ALWAYS BE 100% HONEST. I know honesty is something that NT women have a very difficult time with on both the giving and receiving ends - several women have admitted to me that they have a very hard time being honest with others, and others don't like when guys are honest with them (I've had that happen a number of times). But, if you're like that, you can overcome it. Just suppress all those thoughts of "trying to be nice" by telling yourself that the "niceness" is only an illusion and lying, in reality, is a demon in disguise as an angel.