Looking for feedback regarding my boyfriend

Post Reply New Topic

hi guys.

i think i should preface this by saying i am an NT, and i hope i'm not invading anyone's safe space by posting here. i am looking for a bit of advice for myself and my boyfriend who i am positive has asperger's, though he hasn't been diagnosed. i know it sounds dumb for me to say i'm positive since i'm not a doctor, but i'm sure most of you can understand - the behavior of someone with AS is pretty distinct, and i can tell you, from all the stuff i have been reading, my boyfriend is pretty damn close to a textbook case of it. the reading i've been doing about this syndrome in the past few weeks has even brought me to tears on a few occasions.. just because i never knew there were people going through the exact same thing as me.. and to learn that there are has been quite emotional.

so anyway, having said that, i'm having so many issues in my relationship, and i could probably write a list of like 20 questions right now, but i want to start off with something that seems basic - do you think it's a good idea if i try to convince my boyfriend to get diagnosed? when i first started reading about AS, i told him i really thought he should read about it too, because the similarities between his personality and the AS traits were just so uncanny. the first time i brought it up, he told me he'd rather not know about it. he's been going through some rough times for the past year or so - he lost his job and was living in his car for a while. he has a job now and has since moved in with me, but has come out of the whole experience with a really bad case of low self-esteem. he told me that if he learned more about asperger's it would probably make him feel worse about himself. i think it could really help him understand himself instead of getting so frustrated; and i think it could really help us. i wish he could talk to people like you all on this forum.. but he's 34 years old and i don't think he's ever met anyone who's even remotely similar to him.. and i'm worried it would be too different for him to be able to talk openly about "his issues" (as he calls them) because he's always just wanted to avoid dealing with them his whole life. i did bring it up with him a 2nd time, and he asked me "do you think knowledge is power in this situation?" and i said yes, so he said ok, and he'd read about it.. but that was 2 weeks ago, and i'm sure he hasn't thought about it since. not sure when you guys think it would be ok for me to bring it up again? i'm trying to be sensitive here, but i *really* wish i wasn't the only one out of the 2 of us who has a clue what's going on with him.

damn, i just wrote a book.. sorry. i'd love to hear your 2 cents on this one. if it goes well, i might bug you with more off my problems in a bit. thanks for listening.

First off, I think you seem to be a genuinely nice and sensitive person. You are very likely the single most important person in his life and I hope that things will work out for the two of you.

The reaction to hearing that you may have a neuropsychiatric condition varies alot from person to person, for me it came as a relief, but when my brother heard of it (he's a much clearer case) he just shrugged and said that perhaps he had it too and he hasn't spoken of it since.
Personally I've benefitted alot from just understanding that I have AS, mainly because I understood that there are positive things that comes with this condition aswell. I believe that if you can put it in a positive light, all this may be alot easier for him to accept, that he is a unique person that have some very positive qualities aswell.

One thing that persons with AS commonly share is that their best source of information is that which is written, reading books about this condition may be of very good help. So finding books that not only focuses on the negative stuff, will probably make him feel alot better. Michael Fitzgerald, Simon Baron-Cohen and Tony Attwood are 3 good writters (experts) on the topic who have written quite a few books about the positive aspects of this condition. Also, The Infinite Mind public radio show recently did a two part special report on Asperger's syndrome, focusing mainly on the positive aspects of the condition. I think both programmes were excellent, covering everything from diagnosis, famous people with autistic traits, the emerging Asperger's culture and where science stands today regarding AS.

I would also recommend perhaps seeing a few movies that has some very aspielike characters in it. Like National Treasure for instance, Riley Poole (Nicholas Cage's assistant) is very aspergerish and he's funny too Or perhaps Mozart and the Whale, which is a romantic movie about two people with AS, beautiful story.

Last edited by Ardamel on 10 Apr 2006, 5:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

Even though your boyfriend has read the information and hasn't said anything since, you can bet he has probably thought a lot about it. He may have even memorized parts!
I think he is lucky to have you so that when/if he gets diagnosed, he has someone there to support him. :)

Thank God. You're another saint that accepts an Aspie guy for who they are, instead of using labels like "too innocent" and so forth.

Anyways, to address the original post, you should encourage him to get a diagnosis, but don't force it.

You are definately not invading our space, these types of posts is what this board is for.



It is definately a good idea in my opinion to get a diagnosis. Like Ardamel said, every person has a diferent reaction to the fact that they have a neuropsychiatric condition. In some people it comes as a total relief and in others it will make them depressed.

I think it would help him in the long term, if he understands himself he will know where his weaknesses are and therefore structure his life so to suit them (while trying to improve on his weaknesses though), Just because he is not good at something does not mean he can stop doing it completely.

e.g. i am socialy phobic, i really want to just sit in the house isolated all day every day but i don't because i will only get worse and depressed, therefore i go out but do things that won't overwhelm me.

In the short term it will most likely depress him, but with your suport that will pass and hopefully with the diagnosis raise his levels of self esteem.

Part of growing up is understanding ourselves, when he was growing up he most likely saw that he was diferent, but tried to change himself to conform with those around him and as he got older he learned to accept that he is diferent and live with the negative aspects of Aspergers Syndrome.
Now at 34 if he gets a diagnosis he is going to have to learn about himself all over again.

Ultimately it is you who knows him best, and therefore you must take in the advice that you get from the replies to this tread and decide which is best for him.
I hope everything turns out well in the end you you both though.
Silver_Shadow

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. Maybe I will show him this thread.. although he does tend to get kind of upset when I talk to anyone else about our stuff. I guess I'll just have to think about it. Thanks again.

Maybe you can have him read some of the other posts too. Have him see if he can relate to what others are saying. Learning he has AS without the knowledge of other people who have it might make him feel more isolated and alone, but, if he knew about other people who are going through the same things, it might make him more accepting of his condition. Its scary to feel that you are all alone, the only one going through something, it helps to know you aren't alone sometimes. You seem like a very kind and caring person, he is lucky to have you- Good luck...

I think the person who needs to decide whether to address the issue of a diagnosis is him. You can support him, you can give him options and information, which you have, but in the end, he's the (potential) Aspie and he is the one who has to decide whether to face the possibility or not on his terms.

Judging from the way I react, if you push him, he'll only push back. If he doesn't want to deal with it, he'll only resent you for harping on it. Now that you've given him something to think about, let him have time to digest the information.

Even if he never wants to explore a diagnosis, that doesn't stop you from considering his Aspie-like nature and using that for insights into his personality and your relationship. In fact, helping you understand him might be more important than helping him understand himself. He's lived with his nature for his whole life, he surely has some insight into how he works and he must have some experience with NTs. But you're dealing with someone, well someone from the Wrong Planet, and that sounds like it's a new experience for you.

Also, it's a lot easier to deal with this sort of thing when the other areas of your life are going well. If he's just recovering from employment issues and housing issues and such, that's probably what he needs to concentrate on for now. Once he's secure in those areas, he may be more open to explore the issue again. There's just so much processor capacity to go around.

I must say, I think it's great that he's found somebody who is understanding and willing to adapt and see his good points and not just be turned off by his aspie traits. If only all aspies were so lucky.

Good luck.

Grey

Leave the books lying around on the coffee table/sofa wherever while you go off to work, go to meet your friends for a night out... he's bound to be curious (aspie = insatiable intellectual curiosity) and will probably read - or at least flick through - whatever you leave lying around.

It may be that he's worried that if he is Aspie, if he does have a diagnosable 'psychiatric condition' that maybe you'll reject him or think less of him. There's a real taboo surrounding mental health and people are often ostracised. Since finding out about sites like this and reading more about AS, I've learned about the differences between the medical and social models of disability. I don't like to think of AS as a psychiatric condition or a disability, it's simply a neurological difference. It's been a boost to my self-esteem in some ways to realise I'm not substandard or faulty, I'm just different. And people need to just accept my differences.

I'd say just reassure him that you love him and care about him and your feelings won't change, but it might help to address the 'issues' relating to AS, so you can strengthen your relationship because notaddressing them is pulling you apart and you don't want that.

For me, finding sites like this has been a very positive experience, because I don't know any 'out' Aspies in real life, and so it's reassuring to find so many other people like me, and you can share experiences and discuss problems and get advice and support.