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Pure-Soul
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04 Jan 2011, 4:04 pm

hello everybody ,
I want to share with you something that I discovered : I feel my husband who is aspie doesn't like to talk to me all the time and he prefer to play his game or surfing in net ...but not like before we marry he was talking to me everyday and It was exciting for him ! !
for me it was a shock 8O :cry: when it's translated to my language as a non-aspie It means that he doesn't care about me but when i thought again about that i knew that it's hard for him to spend time with me It's not that he doesn't want it but he can't change that for now :roll: ..
aspeger is a new thing for me I am trying to understand it more ..how about you here ?

you love your partner but at the same time you don't like to spend most of your time with him/her ?



Last edited by Pure-Soul on 04 Jan 2011, 4:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Volodja
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04 Jan 2011, 4:13 pm

I think it is common among aspies for us to need alone-time. Really need it, more than most people I think. It doesn't mean he loves you any less than an NT husband would love his wife though. Social/communication problems are one of the main thigs about AS, so even when the relationship is between a husband and wife, he's still gonna need time to just chill out without any conversation or anything. Just sit back, relax and play a game. But yeah I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, I can imagine I would be the same way if I had a wife, no matter how much I loved her and loved being with her. I just don't think most aspies can handle people 24/7



Kaybee
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04 Jan 2011, 5:13 pm

Volodja covered it very well. Alone time for an Aspie is not a want but a need like, say, vitamin D is a need. It may not kill you if you're not getting enough of it, but your quality of life will suffer terribly.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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04 Jan 2011, 7:00 pm

Volodja wrote:
. . . need alone-time. Really need it . . .

So, the question might then become, well, he didn't seem to need that much alone time before?

And the answer might basically be that he was trying to be normal.

Or, he was falling in love and it was like he had always hoped it to be, he had finally found the right person-->YOU!, so, it could be like he always thought it would be.

although it turns out he still needs a lot of time to process things, and as much emotionally at his own pace as anything else. Maybe just talk about it and talk about when you particularly need together time, and maybe also when you need alone time or when you can easily give space.

Wishing you all the best. I know we aspies can be frustrating, but we do have a lot to offer.



galwacco
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06 Jan 2011, 10:46 am

Hi there.
I'm an aspie, a married one. I have been married for 8 years already.
I feel an urge all the time to be alone. I have kids, two boys, one is 3 and the other is 6 years old. So, when I get home, it's hard, because I am so tired from work and I feel that I need some time by myself for clearing my thoughts. Specially because kids are so hungry for parents' attention and that the y don't understand that a person needs some privacy.

But, despite of all my wants and needs, I grew to understand - it wasn't easy at first though - that my wife too has some needs and wants. And part of her needs and wants is to have some talk. It's an asset as well that me and my wife get so well along with each other. Our interests are similar, we kind of grew together during these years.

So, yes, we need some time alone. And nope, we are not that selfish. If your husband is not talking at all, if he prefers to be in front of the computer and playing games than talking to you ALL the time, then I think it's more likely that you have an issue in your marriage. Sorry for being so blunt, it also comes from being an aspie, I have good intentions but most of times I mess up with people's feelings. By other hand, it may be a good 'wake up' for your considerations.

Just to give you an example. I'm a physicist, science freak and love to dream about the future. So, the other day, as me and my wife were talking, we came to the subject about travelling to the stars ( if we ever had that type of technology ), she asked me if I would go regardless of knowing that I would never see her and our kids again ( well it's a long subject about time dilation and relativity in physics ). I said yes. Then she got sad. Then I told her that it would be a miserable life knowing that I could fulfill a dream of mine and not doing it. Life's short, we just have this one to be happy. Don't waste your time on giving too much of yourself to somebody and not getting anything in return, even if that person that is not returning anything is an aspie.



Zur-Darkstar
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06 Jan 2011, 12:58 pm

Well, first off, it's not uncommon for partners to be less attentive in the marriage phase than in the courtship phase. Is this a case of "he doesn't buy me flowers" or "he never holds my hand in public" or "he just doesn't tell me he loves me enough"? Some of the things we do to attract a mate aren't things we plan on continuing once we have one. I'll refrain from commenting on whether that's a good thing or bad thing, but it's just how things are. I've heard and read numerous instances of people having sex more or less often than they would prefer, picking up activities they don't really enjoy, going places they don't really like, etc. The mating instinct is powerful and will often override our natural likes and dislikes, but that effect doesn't last. AS will just magnify this. He may have memorized rules like the one I just articulated and is behaving in a way he feels is appropriate for marriage. My social skills are all based on memorized rules and patterns of behavior. I have very little intuitive sense. I can easily change those rules and learn to behave differently, but someone has to explain it in words.

Did you just move in together once you were married? If so, and he was on his own before, then he hasn't changed, you simply weren't around when he was recharging his social batteries. He'd go be with you, expend that social energy, then go recharge. His whole cycle of socialize then recharge alone was probably based upon you. It still is, but now you're still there when the downtime is happening. It doesn't mean he isn't in love with you anymore. We aspies just have to have our alone time. If he'd been living alone for years, this is a MAJOR change for him. Going from being alone most of the time to having someone else around all the time is going to be rough for him.

The important thing is communication. You have to be able to talk about things like this. Talk with him about your difficulties and try to get him to be open about his. Try to reach an understanding about things like this. This is important to any marriage, aspie or not.



artalis
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06 Jan 2011, 1:26 pm

I'm thankfu that my aspie husband spends some time on the computer as his conversation flits about randomly and he asks alot of why questions and this can be draining. I like alone time too, so the computer gives us a break away from each other and helps us to relax and chill.

He shows he loves me by his other actions, such as making a cup of tea or helping out around the house when I ask.

:lol: