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ToadOfSteel
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10 Jul 2010, 12:50 am

why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?



Pistonhead
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10 Jul 2010, 12:53 am

I'm sure at least half of everyone here is asking the same question, and nobody can give you an answer that couldn't be more simply stated as "people suck".


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GoatOnFire
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10 Jul 2010, 1:10 am

Actually, in this case it's more a matter of people not sucking.

It's complex and maybe impossible because the control over it is not yours. You have to rely on another person for it to happen ultimately, and relying on other people can get dicey.

Love sucks like that.


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nick007
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10 Jul 2010, 1:21 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


Because we do NOT have arranged marriages. People get very picky & do not give others a chance. Most people want to find someone who's perfect instead of someone who's not. Some people have very unrealistic expectations. My advice is move to a more conservative traditional country that places a very high importance on getting married & take me with you :P


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harlequinsenor
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10 Jul 2010, 1:50 am

Speaking of arranged marriages, I sometimes wish I was born in 18th century India.



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10 Jul 2010, 2:00 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


Love is serious. If it weren't, then it wouldn't be as important as it demonstrably is to people both on and off the spectrum.

I think what might make love difficult for a lot of us is that one has to be honest and open at exactly the right times and in the right ways. Speaking from my own experience, I tend to seem cold and unemotional to most people most of the time, but sometimes I get into situations with some people in which I want to open up and speak truthfully about who I am, what I've experienced, and how I feel. I have a hard time finding a middle ground between those extremes, so I sometimes scare off people who seem to be interested in me for my calm and collected exterior self.

Autistic people seem to represent an often confusing blend of hypersensitivity and emotional obliviousness. For my part, it seems that a cold-seeming demeanor helps protect the sensitive and vulnerable sides of myself from those who would be more likely to hurt me than help me. At the same time I sometimes become far too emotional and wax poetic to people who are only trying to be friendly and get to know me socially. I think that the best solution for both these problems is precise and unambiguous communication. If the people you're interacting with can't give you that, then it's probably best not to worry about feelings of love with them. If they can, then you're in a great place to talk about what your friendship is or is not about, and what kinds of love are appropriate to the relationship you have.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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10 Jul 2010, 3:23 am

Careful for what you're wishing for.



nick007 wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


Because we do NOT have arranged marriages. People get very picky & do not give others a chance. Most people want to find someone who's perfect instead of someone who's not. Some people have very unrealistic expectations. My advice is move to a more conservative traditional country that places a very high importance on getting married & take me with you :P


I live in a country where the two types of marriages still exist : Through arranged marriage and through the typical modern dating way (guy asks girl out ---> girl accepts -->dating-->bf/gf --> marriage), even tho the second type usually only succeed after a consensus of both parents, especially the girl's parents.

The fact is, that the arranged marriage can be a hell worse in term of being picky , the girl's parents can be the most picky , most demanding and the most....materialistic ever. They usually think that their daughter deserves the best of the best.

If you are not "financially well off" enough and physically acceptable then you would never be able to pass an arranged marriage. I am telling you, their expectations are usually super high.



nick007
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10 Jul 2010, 3:54 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Careful for what you're wishing for.



nick007 wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


Because we do NOT have arranged marriages. People get very picky & do not give others a chance. Most people want to find someone who's perfect instead of someone who's not. Some people have very unrealistic expectations. My advice is move to a more conservative traditional country that places a very high importance on getting married & take me with you :P


I live in a country where the two types of marriages still exist : Through arranged marriage and through the typical modern dating way (guy asks girl out ---> girl accepts -->dating-->bf/gf --> marriage), even tho the second type usually only succeed after a consensus of both parents, especially the girl's parents.

The fact is, that the arranged marriage can be a hell worse in term of being picky , the girl's parents can be the most picky , most demanding and the most....materialistic ever. They usually think that their daughter deserves the best of the best.

If you are not "financially well off" enough and physically acceptable then you would never be able to pass an arranged marriage. I am telling you, their expectations are usually super high.


Is there a stigma about people being single cuz I would think that as they get older, the family would get more desperate/less picky. I mite would impress the family because older women have told me how they wish their daughters/granddaughters would be interested in me


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Hopeless_Hearts_Marie
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10 Jul 2010, 4:06 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?

I feel ya man :(
I just told a guy I like him, he rejected me ( thankfully nicely and said wed could be friends) and it sucks.



RICKY5
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10 Jul 2010, 7:39 am

Unrestrained hypergamy is part of why love and dating are so difficult in the Western World. Especially for people on the spectrum. Since mimicking traits that can appeal to folks operating with said hypergamous Mindset is very difficult sice you have to constantly think about what to say and do.

Since the advent of easy birth control, quick divorce, women entering the workforce, and anti-male divorce courts, there is nothing to really keep the hypergamous impulses of women in check except for sexual marketplace value.(ie. If a gal is getting old, fat, etc. she is more inclined to settle.)

One of the crappy things about how Western society has changed is that money only really works as an attractant if it is at the level of Donald Trump or something similar. Being a provider is seen as a boring and "nice".

Physical looks, dress, and posture are critical as well.



Some advice for Toad

1. Start doing burpees at home. It is a simple excercise that gets your whole body in shape.
2. Start keeping a food log and count calories. Try 1500 per day.
3. Coffee, Tea, and water help a lot with hunger pangs
4. If you have trouble drinking water, get those sugar-free hawaian punch packets (Purple blast is the best).
5. Change your style of dress. T-shirts, short-sleeve shirts and shorts do not flatter you. Get yourself fitted for a suit and memorize those measurements. As you lose weight, you will notice the size drops.
6. Given your size, shave your head. It is a simple haircut that works well for most people.
7. How tall are you? A suit could give you a bit of imposingness that would help you a lot.
8. Try going to an MMA gym, boxing etc. or something like that to toughen yourself up.
9. Try this combination of clothing out: Red button down shirt, with a red tie, navy blue blazer jacket with a red handkerchief in the pocket and dark blue jeans. You will be surprised at the reactions.
10. Stand up straight. I have found this the most difficult of all.

"Now why would WrongPlanet's resident whoremonger be giving advice on how to look good?" you might ask.

Well it is simple, I work in an office environment where shallow things like appearance matter which is why I do my best to take care of my appearance.

The ugly truth about the world and humanity is that shallow and petty crap like appearance rules everything.

IMPROVISE, ADAPT, and OVERCOME!



Last edited by RICKY5 on 10 Jul 2010, 6:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MissConstrue
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10 Jul 2010, 8:33 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


Yep I hear ya.

As soon as I hit adult hood I was confused about love, all I ever wanted I think was to feel accepted nothing deep or romantic. This seems to be more complicated as far as intimacy goes. Sometimes I'll ask couples who have been married a long time a bunch of questions like how they keep their relationships or marriages alive. I get many responses but the 2 common ones I'll hear is there needing to be an aspect of friendship and realistic expectations. I do think that some of us believe love in a romantic aspect is suppose to be a garden of roses or something that will solve all your problems. I think there may be a little truth to the latter if one is not using it as a crutch or escape. Even in platonic relationships there's bound to be fights, discourses, and emotions. As an adult, you're not taught a great deal in how to deal with this baggage because they are unwritten. In other words, you're going to deal with a lot of unpredictably and as you know, a great deal of us on the spectrum have trouble with this issue. We want things to be just as we expect them. So it doesn't come as a surprise that you feel this way. Love is not something easily defined since it is an emotion rich with diversity sharing a bond in some form or another.


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RICKY5
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10 Jul 2010, 6:48 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
why does that have to be such a complex and impossible thing?


So what's it gonna be Toad?

Keep moping or put together a plan of action? You don't have to get an escort if you don't want to, but what you crave still has a price.



spooky13
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10 Jul 2010, 7:18 pm

How do you expect to find love if you don't even like yourself?


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10 Jul 2010, 7:22 pm

I'd say flip it around, Toad; turn it into "I want to love". Instead of waiting to be loved, love yourself, and love others. They will love you back once you work out how to do that. Worked for me.


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Pistonhead
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10 Jul 2010, 7:32 pm

Moog wrote:
Instead of waiting to be loved, love yourself, and love others. They will love you back once you work out how to do that.


....You'll get stuck in the friend zone most of the time following that advice.


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Moog
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10 Jul 2010, 7:40 pm

Pistonhead wrote:
Moog wrote:
Instead of waiting to be loved, love yourself, and love others. They will love you back once you work out how to do that.


....You'll get stuck in the friend zone most of the time following that advice.


I think you'll have to explain why, so I can then think about explaining why you are wrong. :wink: Perhaps your definition of the word 'love' is different to mine.

Besides, Toad is talking about love, not getting laid.


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