My boyfriend wants a 'domestic disipline' relationship.

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DandelionFireworks
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03 Sep 2010, 5:08 pm

No. It doesn't matter what you're doing that he wants to punish you for, that's not how you make a loving romantic relationship. Any other traits of his are utterly irrelevant, as well-- he could otherwise be the sweetest, most perfect man alive. Doesn't matter. This is a deal-breaker. Get out now. Maybe keep him as a friend, though if I were you I would cut all contact. Unless he's making a joke, this is something for which he should get no second chances.

Maybe you should see a shrink. That's not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that this boy is all wrong for you-- for anyone-- and this is sufficient reason to drop him like a hot potato. Then you can worry about what to do about your "stupidly dangerous acts."


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emlion
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03 Sep 2010, 6:07 pm

I wish I never asked now. :/
I love him.



DandelionFireworks
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03 Sep 2010, 6:33 pm

If you didn't, you wouldn't have posted this thread. There's no accounting for taste; sometimes, we fall in love with people we shouldn't. Relax. You have to leave him, but it won't hurt forever, and the alternative is being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. Do you relish the thought of being treated like a child, your life controlled by someone who in all likelihood is not worthy of your affection? Which of you decides what's misbehavior? What happens if he decides to punish you when you go off to visit friends?

This guy sounds like trouble. Save yourself. If he thinks it's his right to treat you with no respect at all and grant you no freedom or dignity, I don't think a relationship with him could be anything but unhealthy.


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azurecrayon
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03 Sep 2010, 6:36 pm

to me, the most worrisome part is that HE gets to decide when you are being irrational, HE gets to decide when you need punishment. thats a dangerous position to put yourself in.

its also unhealthy for a romantic relationship for one partner to be dominant/parental to the other.

if YOU feel that you are taking too much risk, then YOU can seek counseling or therapy to talk about it. but determining that risk is YOUR choice as an adult, not his.

keep in mind that risk is not always weighed the same by different individuals. you havent explained what situations you are putting yourself in. for all we know, its actually him that is too conservative with risk and you perfectly acceptable.

im not going to say you should leave him or he is going to end up abusive. but suggesting this type of relationship shows either immaturity or a desire for dominance. you should let him know it is absolutely unacceptable for him to treat you as anything less than an equal. he may need to learn to live with what he considers your risky behavior, or you can learn to compromise on it. but the solution should not be for him to punish you like a child based on what he considers risky or irrational behavior.


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LoveHim
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03 Sep 2010, 6:36 pm

he's probably into BDSM and this is his way of asking you to be in a 24/7 bdsm relationship.



The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Sep 2010, 6:49 pm

lol , you people love to be home/relationships-wreckers, aren't you? I always notice that attitude here whenever a OP complaints about her partner , you jump saying : HE'S ABUSIVE , LEAVE HIM, KILL HIM.

Just listen more to her story, maybe she was really doing stupid things beyond our imagination and he's being fed up of worrying. Or maybe she was exasperating regarding the punishment part.

As for the ladies here, you always assume that all female posters are like you, some girls LOVE to be in such relationships (where the Male= the decision-maker, the father-like / and the Female = follower). I witnessed a lot of such relationships, it's nauseating, it's wrong ,but they 're real. One girl had even chosen a such man over me , she literally loves to be his puppet ! ! :-/ . And it was always the case with ALL her ex'es.

Not everyone shares your values.


emlion , just whip him, and tell him "eat this, baby!"

Image



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 03 Sep 2010, 7:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

primaloath
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03 Sep 2010, 7:01 pm

The way some abusers keep their victims from reacting is by slowly ramping up the level of abuse, getting the victim used to one level before increasing it. Indeed, one thing they can do is subtly drive their victims crazy, then insist that they'll isolate, harm and humiliate the victim for her "own benefit".

I think you should leave him, and if not, clearly tell him that abusing you or being domineering is unacceptable.

What sort of "crazy" things have you been doing? Are you sure he didn't just convince you that those things are crazy?



menintights
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03 Sep 2010, 7:31 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Not everyone shares your values.


Yes, well, they should. (Although I must add, I don't think OP is even the kind of person you think she is.)

And by the way:

Quote:
emlion , just whip him, and tell him "eat this, baby!"

Image


Not at all appropriate. :roll:

primaloath wrote:
The way some abusers keep their victims from reacting is by slowly ramping up the level of abuse, getting the victim used to one level before increasing it. Indeed, one thing they can do is subtly drive their victims crazy, then insist that they'll isolate, harm and humiliate the victim for her "own benefit".


This, too, crossed my mind. I just didn't know how to put it into words.



sufi
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03 Sep 2010, 7:35 pm

Please excuse my being blunt, but Are you nuts?
Red Flag has been raised and you need to run fast from the 'relationship'

Many abusive women are not abused until after the wedding. And maybe he would not hit you - but there is always the control factor, like: not letting you go out with friends, telling you what you can and can not wear, keeping track of the time you spend away from home or work, checking the mileage on the car to see if you really did go the store,
not letting you have contact with your family, what you should eat or how much you should weight.

And ' but I love him' has been echoed around the world by abused women.
Love is a feeling and nothing more. It can start, stop, change. Agree to his terms and your love will turn to loathing.

Unfortunately most women or men who are told by family and friends that the one they love is not the one the need, do not listen to advice, continue on the chosen path, and end up a doormat. Sad, they could have avoided a lot of heartache. But then again people will continue to hook up with someone who is bad for them again and again.

RED FLAG, RED FLAG .......


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HopeGrows
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03 Sep 2010, 7:53 pm

OP, since you seem to acknowledge that you engage in dangerous acts, can I ask why do you do so? Are you an adrenalin junkie? Are you trying to provoke a reaction from your bf? Are you compulsive? What kind of dangerous things do you do?

Look, if you're really endangering your physical safety on a regular basis and you can't/don't want to stop, I agree with the folks who have suggested you see the guidance of a professional - and quick. Unlike the others, I guess I'm leaving some room for the idea that he might actually be trying to protect you from serious harm, and is at his wit's end at how to do that. (I have to admit, someone who freely admits she engages in dangerous behavior, but doesn't seem bothered by it would be very scary to me as a partner.)


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mechanicalgirl39
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03 Sep 2010, 8:02 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
OP, since you seem to acknowledge that you engage in dangerous acts, can I ask why do you do so? Are you an adrenalin junkie? Are you trying to provoke a reaction from your bf? Are you compulsive? What kind of dangerous things do you do?

Look, if you're really endangering your physical safety on a regular basis and you can't/don't want to stop, I agree with the folks who have suggested you see the guidance of a professional - and quick. Unlike the others, I guess I'm leaving some room for the idea that he might actually be trying to protect you from serious harm, and is at his wit's end at how to do that. (I have to admit, someone who freely admits she engages in dangerous behavior, but doesn't seem bothered by it would be very scary to me as a partner.)


I agree with your position of concern but his behaviour is utterly wrong. It's ok to talk to her and try and convince her to ease up on her taste for danger. It's ok to suggest counseling. It's NOT, I repeat NOT, ok to ask for control of her and try to punish her if she breaks his rules.


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HopeGrows
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03 Sep 2010, 8:23 pm

^Don't get me wrong @mechanicalgirl39 - I'm not suggesting she should go along with his request. But I am kinda wondering what it is she's doing, and if she really doesn't listen to him when he cautions her. For example, if he says, "Honey, you have to stop driving drunk. You're going to hurt yourself or someone." And she doesn't listen until he makes a scene....I guess I might be more willing to believe that his behavior is the result of being at his wit's end. So I'm curious about just what this behavior is.


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MDD123
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03 Sep 2010, 8:30 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
OP, since you seem to acknowledge that you engage in dangerous acts, can I ask why do you do so? Are you an adrenalin junkie? Are you trying to provoke a reaction from your bf? Are you compulsive? What kind of dangerous things do you do?

Look, if you're really endangering your physical safety on a regular basis and you can't/don't want to stop, I agree with the folks who have suggested you see the guidance of a professional - and quick. Unlike the others, I guess I'm leaving some room for the idea that he might actually be trying to protect you from serious harm, and is at his wit's end at how to do that. (I have to admit, someone who freely admits she engages in dangerous behavior, but doesn't seem bothered by it would be very scary to me as a partner.)


While we're on the subject of dangerous acts, do you think perhaps the relationship is becoming one? I myself would love to find someone to help keep me in the right direction too, but if you give even your best friends power over you, they'll misuse it and in addition to the abuse you'll have to endure, you'll have the added resentment. I hope you can appreciate the cause for concern though, this is how a lot of abuse starts, just a minor loss of liberty and most victims never see the other shoe dropping until it's too late. If you just keep an eye on him at the very least, you may pick up more warning signs.

Here's a sign I wish I had picked up on, my ex roommate complained non stop about things that had happened to him and used his emotional pain to keep me on eggshells around him. Does your bf complain a lot? Does he go into violent ideations towards the object of his complaints?



scubasteve
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03 Sep 2010, 9:41 pm

I don't think it's fair to judge the bf without full knowledge of the events leading up to this. Still, this does seem like a very bad idea. If you're having trouble with self-control, therapy might be helpful. Don't be afraid to ask people for help. Just be careful about giving up personal responsibility and independence.



RPM
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03 Sep 2010, 11:41 pm

1st of all I can understand someone wanting to be punished, not to say that it's right and not to say that it's wrong, cause I do understand it, there is in fact a girl who is 18 now that use to punish herself if she did wrong or thought she did wrong.

Luckily she had the support of her Mom and a 22 yr old friend of hers that happens to be a friend of mine, and well the 18 yr old's 19 yr old friend having moved in a few years ago also helped as well.

The 18 yr old's Mom told her not to be hard on herself, and my 22 yr old friend told this girl listen to her Mom about this, so now this girl has gotten better, back when this 18 yr old was a minor, her Mom told her "if you think you did wrong and think you deserve punishment, please tell me."

And it worked to help stop her from punishing herself too much, cause if she asked to be punished the Mom asked what she did wrong, if she didn't name a thing her Mom said no need to be punished but if she named a bad deed, the punishment was either shorter than the girl wished or the Mom would tell her not to do it again.

This 18 yr old was diagnosed with low grade depression and her mom suspects possibility of Asperger's, the 18 yr old was not sure what to think but now she thinks well it is possible but she's ok regardless.

Im like yeah im on the Autism spectrum myself and sure it would be great if this girl was tested but I respect whatever decision she makes on if she gets tested or not.

Now as far as dominating relationship, well my ex-fiancee who is also on the spectrum and lives in another state, tried to run my life, she would demand I not go to concerts, so to a point that when I bought tickets for concert or made plans to go, I dared not tell her till it came closer to the concert day, to avoid constant guilt tripping, and on days I went she guilt tripped on me acting like it was the end of the world cause I went to a concert.

And I did what I could to counter her control freak behavior too, but when the engagement ended I was glad too cause I think if I had married her, she would've demanded I not go to work.

Then again this girl wanted the necklaces I wore on my neck, so the last time I saw her in person when I visited her State, I took my necklaces off and put them in my wallet so she wouldn't be tempted, and I told her I have a right to wear those necklaces around my neck too (one is a Cross the other a Star of David, the Cross cause im a Christian and the Star of David cause im a descendant of King David of Israel and Judah).

This girl has no concept of money at all but she told me a formerly Upper Middle Class guy how to handle my money (yeah my family use to be Upper Middle Class till the economy tanked and brought us back to the Middle Class, and I have handled my own money since before I ever met her, I know how to count, save and spend my money and my ex does not know squat about money, assets, properties, mortgagees, debt, or any of that, she even asked me what debt was when I told her that her crazy ideas of moving her to my State while I am without job, would get me into debt and I cannot afford it right now on the SSI and SSDI income I get at the moment).

She said I sounded rich (probably because I was indeed rich compared to her), and she asked if this is about being rich and I said this is not about being rich, this is about a roof over your head and food in the belly cause well she would constantly text me from her cellphone and I told her slow down, texting costs money, and I told her a roof over your head and food in the belly is more important than a stupid cellphone.

I even told her I do not care if I ever get back to Upper Middle Class again or not, if it happens great, if not, oh well, cause as long as I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and my faith in God, then it should not matter if I ever become Upper Middle Class or Upper Class or whatever, but my ex sure didn't understand this.

She told me she did not want me going to a concert cause she was afraid I would get shot and I told her I have never been shot at a concert, I also told her people can get killed in their own house, my Uncle was killed in his own house with a Hammer.

She later demanded one of my parents come with me to a concert I was going to that one day and I said if it was classic rock maybe but this is punk rock, neither of my parents are going and she said she did not want me going unless one of my parents came with me and I said to her "people I know are gonna be there, I know the PA guy." heck the PA guy that was at this show i've known for 7 years.

But oh gosh yeah I was glad when me and her broke up, afterall I think if I married her and did get a job, she would've demanded I not go to work and I would've said do you wanna go hungry.

Sure me and my ex are both Autistic, but I understand cold hard reality better than her and I sure tried to teach it to her too.

But I figure next girl I end up with will be one who is not a control freak regardless of whether or not she is Autistic or another disability or no disability or whatever labelings anyone comes up with, afterall normal is the setting on a dryer.



emlion
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04 Sep 2010, 4:07 am

I showed him this thread last night when he got home from work and he told me that that i'm obviously uncomfortable with the idea and that he was just trying to find ANY way to stop me from ultimately injuring myself, and that he wouldn't, of course, do anything like that if i was even .1% unsure.

Uhm some of the things i do are; taking shortcuts through dangerous neighbourhoods, taking drugs on occasion, drink driving, getting into fights with people, selfharming. There are more but i'd rather not disclose them. I don't know why I do them, i just like the thrill sometimes and other times i just don't know.

If anything i'm the bad force in our relationship.