Intellectual compatibility = utimate AS hurdle in dating?

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To be honest , you sound a bit elitist.

Try to not much overlook the cultural/companionship/emotional values that some non-genius guy might offer you.

But that's the case of most women. Most women want men who are better than themselves whether physically or intellectually (stronger, smarter, older , more experienced , more educated , wealthier ....). Men are more tolerant toward their partner's intelligence and level of education.

So if you are an intellectual elite then you're probably seeking for a more elite guy.

There are more male geniuses than female geniuses (but more male dumbs than female dumbs - check the iq bell curves) but the problem that a lot of those male geniuses are already taken by regular girls. Try to seek for geeky guys too since those might be academically brainiacs too.

As I always said : in most cases , when a man is involuntary single then he's probably less than a man . And when a woman is involuntary single then she's probably more than a woman.

Going bit down is easier than going up.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 21 Sep 2010, 4:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

The problem is I don't really know what I am or what I'm looking for. Consciously, I'm open to anything, but it's impossible to control ones subconscious.

If it was a case of making a conscious decision I would happily choose any guy whom I believed was a genuinely good kind and caring person with values that were close enough to mine, and whom was reasonably intelligent. Unfortunately, my conscious cannot 100% override my subconscious, and I cannot and have not been able to bring myself to date somebody I am not attracted to. It feels deeply wrong, like trying to kiss my brother or something.

Then we can't help you, I suggest to lock this thread.

The purpose of this thread was not me asking people to solve my problems, it was an invitation for open debate on this issue and how it effects everyone - not just me. A secondary logical purpose of this thread would be to suggest problem solutions to being unable to connect that could help anyone (including myself).

So firstly, it's not all about me.

Secondly, finding romantic attraction with someone is never so simple as choosing someone who fits preordained criteria. Just because I can't simply go by logic alone when it comes to choosing a partner (I don't honestly believe anyone can do this; attraction has to be there also), doesn't mean I'm a lost cause, or that I can't do anything to help myself, or nobody could suggest anything that could help me.

In your response, I see an attitude which is concurrent with a lot of male posters on this forum; the belief that the problem is as simple and fundamental as being able to get someone to want to go out with you, and that's all that needs to be done. You could effectively go out with any woman, or want to go out with any woman who will accept you. Thus if a woman is able to attract a man to her, but still is not in a relationship, then she is simply being too picky?

I am genuinely curious, is it that simple for you? Could you honestly be able to be in a relationship with any female that was open to being in a relationship with you? Is this a male/female difference?

I would choose being alone over being in a relationship with someone I wasn't romantically attracted to any day. It simply feels wrong on many levels.

I can predict this much - should you start dating in the next couple weeks/months/years you're going to find out the same thing - whether you like it or not. You won't be attracted to everyone. You might even start feeling like your going thirsty in the middle of the ocean. The next step of this whole agony, past constant singlehood and no connects, is revolving-door dating (another poster here phrased that beautifully).

Being able to relate to someone on a core level, someone who you actually gain energy being around and who compliments your life - its difficult and its rare for anyone to come by. Even getting interest, even getting dates, its difficult to find someone who's truly a healthy influence or who can understand you. Could you enjoy a life with someone who can't stand most of the things that make you happy? Could you deal with someone who brings conflict or fights in on a regular basis? Could you deal with someone who berates you or manipulates? Could you even deal with someone who sits on the couch and barely talks to you? Doubtful. Once they start letting you in far enough to date you'll see that quickly.

In most cases , yes.
Picky or too complicated unless if you are amazingly unlucky.





Any female? Hardly.

But I find about 10 to 20% of females attractive, nice and morally good enough to date one of them, my problem is that I am unable to attract any of them. But there's no guarantee that this girl out of those 20% would be compatible with me but that's what the dating for.




Well....*scratching the back of head* , somehow yes . As animals (and we humans are just smart animals) , yes that's a male/female difference, males seek to spread their genes as much as possible , sperm is cheap. While females try to invest their ovaries for the best male possible because they're rare and precious.

Usually a regular guy would compromise a lot and would overlook a lot of bad things/habits in a girl that likes him.

A girl wouldnt date any guy that likes her, he has to cover at least half of the things (and usually more) she looks for in a guy





And so I am.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 21 Sep 2010, 5:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

*confused* Was that addressed to both of us? (me and sunflower?)

My intelligence is so uneven, it is hard for me to relate with just anybody across the board. I can be playfully child-like and naive about life. I grew up alone in my own little world. Yet I have faced turmoil and adversity that few have experienced that has helped me become very insightful and thoughtful. I also have a science based education and am well read in that area. There really is no one out there as far as I can tell that can satisfy my needs across the spectrum. I can share different aspects of myself with someone, but nobody is really going to 'get me' wholly. Maybe, you're going to have to reach some conclusion that allows someone to grow with you and get to know you as you go. You probably don't want to end up alone like I have, when I have ended good relationships because I didn't feel they were working the way I wanted them to work.

Your address. I'm telling you that what you're criticizing is something you're most likely going to experience yourself, in other words I don't recommend criticizing people on it.

I was thinking about real life cases of Woman_intellectually_smarter_than_man type of couples.....

I forgot that my parents are of this type

My mom has an iq over 130 , she was always the first in her class , school and university alike. She's a high school math teacher now.

My father ,on the other hand, was very academically average. He studied political science in Moscow but he had to drop during the last year due to a force majeure , and he didn't continue his degree studies since then. So my father doesn't even have a college degree. He later became a government employee.

His salary was unusually lower than her salary during their marriage. They are now married for over 33 years.

I don't know what my mom liked in my father , maybe it was his niceness ? his personality? his determination? his hard-work?

I don't know, I've never asked her.

but surely it wasn't his academic credentials or his IQ's level or even his salary.

Her class at university was very male-dominated back then (Math major, 34 years ago in a middle eastern country...just imagine). In fact, she had just 2 female colleagues in the whole class. So she could've picked and married one of her brainiac male colleagues or one of her colleague teachers later on. But she didn't.


I am aware that you are not my mom , sunshower but maybe you can learn that love is not just about your so-called "intellectual compatibility" or just some formula like " Male+ IQHigherThan130 + Find him Physically attractive = My perfect mate!"

Sigh, I think you've misunderstood me.

My basic problem is that I am just not attracted to hardly anyone full stop. If I am attracted to someone, I am perfectly willing to give things a go, even if we seem oppositional in most aspects and have different IQ levels. In fact, the last person I was attracted to really had almost completely oppositional morals, values, and ideas to me, but I was 100% ready to give things a go simply because I was attracted to him (which basically never happens) but unfortunately things didn't work out on his end.

What I was theorizing about intelligence and IQ was that maybe it's part of the underlying cause of my problem of just not being attracted to people enough. But that's just an idea, not a fact.

When you say that you find 10-20% of females attractive I think you are damn fortunate in that respect at least. I am attracted to, I would estimate, about 0.1% of males. Attraction isn't something you can logically control or decide. When I become attracted to someone, in all honesty, I couldn't give a stuff what their physical appearance was, what their IQ level is, or whatever, so long as they weren't a psychopath, or a truly bad person, I'd probably go for it no matter what because it basically never happens, This is my problem in a nutshell, and I simply theorize possible causes underlying the problem.

sluice, I agree that nobody is ever going to understand me fully. In all honesty, I am willing to try with just about anyone if I feel "connected"/"attracted" to them.

As far as income or university education goes, I couldn't really give a stuff about that. I'm sure I'll eventually be earning more than enough money to support myself, and assist in supporting another if it came down to it (although they would have to be also trying to support themself, because I have close to zero tolerance for lazy or unmotivated people).

I can really relate to this. On one hand I was supposedly above average in some areas. I had teachers that would tell me I was one of those geniuses that should go into an expensive college of some sort. On the otherhand, I struggled so much with many other areas and diagnosed as someone with a learning disability. I feel both highly threatened and envious when people show the ability to be smart in subjects I am not compatible with. Most of the subjects I'm not so brilliant with are the ones you need in order to get a damn job..../:

Also, I think a reminder is necessary, when I'm talking about "intellectual compatibility" I'm not specifically referring to IQ, but mental compatibility across the board, compatibility in thinking, etc.

I believe this compatibility may be the source of the romantic connection you can feel with another.

And that's a very abnormally low rate, it's a very elitist rate nevertheless.

You are not a some different rare species of ultra-sapient being living among humans who can only be attracted to a compatible male of the same species. You're Homo Sapien too, like the rest of us.

Explain further by bullet points the "intellectual compatibility"....other than the way of thinking and mentality.

People can't help what their primative brain is attracted to.
It's not a conscious desision as in "she looks nice and is nice to me, so i'll date her"
Thats what I call desperation.

If you're truly looking for a soulmate, trying to force a connection is certainly not good enough. I have only ever had strong romantic urges for 5 or so men in my life since I was 15, that's not very many, whereas some of the guys here might walk down the street and be open to a relationship with 50 or so of the 100 girls they see. It depends if you're looking for a partner for the sake of it/to fill a void/for something to do or you're actually wanting to connect to someone.

I don't think theres anything wrong with being that way either. It's not about "being too picky" it's more about not wasting your own and someone else time on something that you know isn't going to last very long.

That's a normal rate.



True.

But the connection to someone is built with time , it's not something that you can quickly bring it. The guys that you might connect to don't have on their forehead "I am a potential compatible one for you", you know. The first step is Attraction, connection is the second.