Do guys make too big of a deal about sex?

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Do guys make too big of a deal about sex?
Yes - and I am a woman 28%  28%  [ 13 ]
No - and I am a woman 2%  2%  [ 1 ]
Yes - and I am a man 32%  32%  [ 15 ]
No - and I am a man 30%  30%  [ 14 ]
Other... 9%  9%  [ 4 ]
Total votes : 47

Bethie
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16 Sep 2010, 11:50 am

JohnisBlind wrote:
Bethie wrote:
In another thread, there's a man who can't get a girlfriend comparing not getting sex
to a woman being GANG RAPED,
if that tells you anything.


It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?


Zero sex. The rape wouldn't factor in either way though.


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JohnisBlind
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16 Sep 2010, 11:51 am

Sallamandrina wrote:
What really made it so bad was not just the lack of sex, but that plus with the isolation, rejection, lack of love - I think these were making them suffer a lot more.

JohnisBlind wrote:
I feel like I should try to psychoanalyze you. Tell me about your father....lol... just kidding....but i'm curious.


Lol - why? Because I'm not as judgemental and hateful as others? That's always a choice, you know. I've had a shitty childhood and an abusive father - I grew out of it. As I said, nothing of worth comes easy or free.


True. That is true. Everyone should be loved IMO. Do you really think guys feel like they are going to "explode" for not getting sex? Have you ever felt like that?



hyperlexian
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16 Sep 2010, 12:30 pm

JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.

you think being sexless is one of the worst things that can happen to a person? compared to rape it is very very trivial.

here are parts of a victim impact statement from a brave woman who shared her story. i apologize for the length, as i did not know what else to edit out of it - almost every word demonstrates the effect of rape on a person's entire life:

http://www.squidoo.com/rapevictimimpactstatement wrote:
Twenty-eight years ago as a 16-year-old child, I could not stand up in a court of law and confront my rapist. Today, as a 44-year-old woman with a family, including my own 15-year-old daughter, I do stand in court pleading that the court holds the defendant accountable to the terms of his plea bargain agreement. The offense committed against me permanently and forever changed my course in life. I am both a victim and survivor of rape.

I was a confident, trusting young lady who had a clear plan and expectations for my future. I was going to go to college after high school and the world was before me. I was a 16-year-old girl with high hopes and dreams.

Over the course of a few hours one night, the world changed from a safe place full of possibilities to a dangerous place to survive in. I felt like the rabbit living amongst wolves.
...
I still have flashbacks today. They can be triggered by a something someone says or catching a glimpse of a Thunderbird car or during a gynecological exam or while intimate with my husband.

I am shocked and feel panic.
...
The flashbacks come unpredictably.
This movie still plays in my mind involuntarily. I am being raped
A large man is on top of me. He is assaulting me.
...
Am I going to survive this. I am afraid... I am afraid to move. I stay frozen until he leaves the room.... I lay there afraid to breathe. He might wake up if I move. If he wakes up he might need to do this to me again. I freeze petrified by fear.
...
The images just pop in my head when I'm awake.
...
I am numb. I am in shock. He tells me not to say anything. He tells me no one will believe me.
...
This is what I live with -- still, 28 years later.
I never know when I will relive one of these scenes. How do I explain to my children why I sometimes just burst out crying, in tears? How do I explain to my children why I call out my husband's name even though he is not home because I am seeking security? My children laugh at me. They are embarrassed by me. They are confused and scared.
...
I was taken to the hospital and I was subjected to my first gynecological exam. Once I told, there was a long line of people to whom I had to keep repeating what happened, reliving it each and every time, including today in court.
...
The consequences of my telling were mixed.
I was believed. I was accused. I was bullied. I was blamed. I was sixteen years old, raped, traumatized, scared.
...
Not only had an adult done this to me, but the justice system also failed to support me as a victim and instead made me feel like this was all my fault, that I had caused this to happen. I was told I would be arrested if I failed to come to court and confront my rapist. I believed them. I also knew I couldn't survive seeing him. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt betrayed by everyone. My rapist was right. I felt no one really did believe me. I was terrified that I might be the one in jail, not him.
...
I fled to my mother's home in New York to escape the nightmare. I didn't.
...
A friend of my mother's - a man - helped my mother out around the house. He did some of the laundry. When I realized that a man might have touched my underwear, I felt like I couldn't live anymore - another minute. I swallowed a whole bottle of my prescribed allergy medicine in an attempt to commit suicide. This wasn't the last time I tried.
...
I would wake up for school in the morning, frozen, afraid to move or breathe. I was afraid someone would hear me breathe. I would not go to school that day. I stayed in bed unable to move in an empty house. I missed 40 days that first semester. I stayed hidden in my bed.
...
I didn't have the courage to go to college - which felt too risky. To escape my fear, I married early at the age of 18. I was looking for a protector - someone who could keep me safe.
...
So, you ask me how has my life and my family has been impacted by this crime. You ask me what the emotional, physical and the financial impacts of this crime are on me and my family. There are immeasurable costs for this crime.
I'm still not safe.
...
I can't believe 28 years later-out of the blue-I receive a subpoena because he wants to have his outstanding arrest warrant dismissed.
He's still in control of my life and my actions.
Why does he wait until I have a beautiful, innocent 15-year-old daughter? Has he been tracking me?
I know this is paranoid but I still wonder.
...
I don't know who I would have been or how my life might have been different if I had never been raped. This crime changed the person I became and am. It had incalculable trauma.
...
It took 23 years for me to even reach the point of inquiring as to how the original case was resolved. It was only five years ago that I asked my mother what had ever happened. I didn't even know his name.
...
My father and step-mother were able to research and find out the disposition of the case. I learned that he had received five years probation in a plea bargain arrangement, I was shocked. Learning that he absconded from probation felt like a slap in my face
...
I was worth nothing and he was right.
...
"I am no longer a victim. He no longer has power or control over me."
I am a Survivor and an Overcomer. I am STRONG!


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JohnisBlind
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16 Sep 2010, 12:56 pm

http://www.squidoo.com/rapevictimimpactstatement wrote:
Twenty-eight years ago as a 16-year-old child, I could not stand up in a court of law and confront my rapist. Today, as a 44-year-old woman with a family, including my own 15-year-old daughter, I do stand in court pleading that the court holds the defendant accountable to the terms of his plea bargain agreement. The offense committed against me permanently and forever changed my course in life. I am both a victim and survivor of rape.

I was a confident, trusting young lady who had a clear plan and expectations for my future. I was going to go to college after high school and the world was before me. I was a 16-year-old girl with high hopes and dreams.

Over the course of a few hours one night, the world changed from a safe place full of possibilities to a dangerous place to survive in. I felt like the rabbit living amongst wolves.
...
I still have flashbacks today. They can be triggered by a something someone says or catching a glimpse of a Thunderbird car or during a gynecological exam or while intimate with my husband.

I am shocked and feel panic.
...
The flashbacks come unpredictably.
This movie still plays in my mind involuntarily. I am being raped
A large man is on top of me. He is assaulting me.
...
Am I going to survive this. I am afraid... I am afraid to move. I stay frozen until he leaves the room.... I lay there afraid to breathe. He might wake up if I move. If he wakes up he might need to do this to me again. I freeze petrified by fear.
...
The images just pop in my head when I'm awake.
...
I am numb. I am in shock. He tells me not to say anything. He tells me no one will believe me.
...
This is what I live with -- still, 28 years later.
I never know when I will relive one of these scenes. How do I explain to my children why I sometimes just burst out crying, in tears? How do I explain to my children why I call out my husband's name even though he is not home because I am seeking security? My children laugh at me. They are embarrassed by me. They are confused and scared.
...
I was taken to the hospital and I was subjected to my first gynecological exam. Once I told, there was a long line of people to whom I had to keep repeating what happened, reliving it each and every time, including today in court.
...
The consequences of my telling were mixed.
I was believed. I was accused. I was bullied. I was blamed. I was sixteen years old, raped, traumatized, scared.
...
Not only had an adult done this to me, but the justice system also failed to support me as a victim and instead made me feel like this was all my fault, that I had caused this to happen. I was told I would be arrested if I failed to come to court and confront my rapist. I believed them. I also knew I couldn't survive seeing him. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt betrayed by everyone. My rapist was right. I felt no one really did believe me. I was terrified that I might be the one in jail, not him.
...
I fled to my mother's home in New York to escape the nightmare. I didn't.
...
A friend of my mother's - a man - helped my mother out around the house. He did some of the laundry. When I realized that a man might have touched my underwear, I felt like I couldn't live anymore - another minute. I swallowed a whole bottle of my prescribed allergy medicine in an attempt to commit suicide. This wasn't the last time I tried.
...
I would wake up for school in the morning, frozen, afraid to move or breathe. I was afraid someone would hear me breathe. I would not go to school that day. I stayed in bed unable to move in an empty house. I missed 40 days that first semester. I stayed hidden in my bed.
...
I didn't have the courage to go to college - which felt too risky. To escape my fear, I married early at the age of 18. I was looking for a protector - someone who could keep me safe.
...
So, you ask me how has my life and my family has been impacted by this crime. You ask me what the emotional, physical and the financial impacts of this crime are on me and my family. There are immeasurable costs for this crime.
I'm still not safe.
...
I can't believe 28 years later-out of the blue-I receive a subpoena because he wants to have his outstanding arrest warrant dismissed.
He's still in control of my life and my actions.
Why does he wait until I have a beautiful, innocent 15-year-old daughter? Has he been tracking me?
I know this is paranoid but I still wonder.
...
I don't know who I would have been or how my life might have been different if I had never been raped. This crime changed the person I became and am. It had incalculable trauma.
...
It took 23 years for me to even reach the point of inquiring as to how the original case was resolved. It was only five years ago that I asked my mother what had ever happened. I didn't even know his name.
...
My father and step-mother were able to research and find out the disposition of the case. I learned that he had received five years probation in a plea bargain arrangement, I was shocked. Learning that he absconded from probation felt like a slap in my face
...
I was worth nothing and he was right.
...
"I am no longer a victim. He no longer has power or control over me."
I am a Survivor and an Overcomer. I am STRONG!
[/quote]

It sounds like the whole world betrayed her.



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16 Sep 2010, 1:43 pm

JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like the whole world betrayed her.
yes.

by minimizing the actual impact that rape has on the victims (making jokes, making threats, making unequal comparisons), we continue to betray rape victims by attempting to make light of the actual impact.

her experience is not unique, unfortunately.


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Sep 2010, 1:52 pm

JohnisBlind wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
In general, both genders make too big a deal out of sex.


Do you know why they do this?


Yes. Sex has become taboo. It's a dirty thing not to be mentioned in polite company. It's like telling someone not to look at the elephant in the middle of the room. They're suddenly going to want look, and more than that, touch.


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Sep 2010, 1:54 pm

Werecrocodile wrote:
The more you have sex the more likely you might catch one that is untreatable/not curable like AIDS.


Wrong. The chances don't change. You just keep playing the odds.


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16 Sep 2010, 2:02 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.


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EarlPurple
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16 Sep 2010, 2:26 pm

Guys not being able to get a girlfriend is not just an issue of not getting sex, and for me sometimes I would like to have more female friends but I don't want to have sex with them.

There is often an assumption that that is all we are after.



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16 Sep 2010, 2:26 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.
i am also a survivor. so please do not speak of me as if i were not included in that.

i did speak too generally, it's true.


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16 Sep 2010, 2:30 pm

What that women describes in her statement are symptons of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which is not suprising to see given the nature of the trauma from what amounts to a brutish assualt and utter violation of another human beings body.

I had a former partner once who suffered from similair flashbacks to what she described the main trigger being any tactile contact with sand or a sand like substance. There were also anxiety disorders associated with this and she had developed a strong resistance to tranquiliser medication. No one should be able to take 90mg of Tamazipan and still be wide awake with anxiety in a normal state of mind, so many a visit to the local hospital before hyper ventilation began.

This originated from her being raped on a beach whilst on a family holiday and the flashback would be the same pattern of reliving the event all over again with the same reaction.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Sep 2010, 2:31 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.
i am also a survivor. so please do not speak of me as if i were not included in that.

i did speak too generally, it's true.


I never once assumed you weren't a rape survivor.


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hyperlexian
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16 Sep 2010, 2:32 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.
really, though, it was not necessary to get nasty. if you felt i was being unfair to you, SAY SO. no need to insult me.


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16 Sep 2010, 2:33 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.
i am also a survivor. so please do not speak of me as if i were not included in that.

i did speak too generally, it's true.


I'm glad to see women are still each others worst enemies. I was beginning to think WP was a lesbian commune



hyperlexian
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16 Sep 2010, 2:34 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
JohnisBlind wrote:
It sounds like he is trying to say, unartfully that, not having sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

Would you rather have zero sex in life. Or be raped once and have a normal sex life?
have you ever been raped? no? well, let me try to explain the impact, because there is no 'normal sex life' after rape.


A normal sex life after rape is possible. Saying it isn't belittles and trivializes all of us survivors that managed to overcome such a violation.

And don't throw your stupid university education at me. An education cannot speak for all rape survivors. Period.
i am also a survivor. so please do not speak of me as if i were not included in that.

i did speak too generally, it's true.


I never once assumed you weren't a rape survivor.
you assumed i was coming from the perspective of my 'stupid university education'. i didn't even talk about studies or statistics.


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Sep 2010, 2:40 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
you assumed i was coming from the perspective of my 'stupid university education'. i didn't even talk about studies or statistics.


No. I assumed you were going to try and prove me wrong with the education you claimed to have in the other thread two days ago. It's hard not to come to that conclusion when you have such strong views about sexual abuse.


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