He calls it "Shut Down Mode"

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Like many others have said, the best thing to do is to leave him alone until he recovers from his sensory overload and is able to interact with you again. Otherwise you're only adding to his overload. I'm not sure that a counselor can help in this case. The only way to avoid this is to cut down on stress and social interaction.

^ This ^

And that includes any "counseling". I'm fine. I just do not want to talk to you, which does not mean that I am mentally ill, emotionally disturbed, passive-aggressive, sociopathic, psychopathic, depressed, suicidal, or that I "Have Issues". It just means that I do not want to be bothered! So...

Shut! Up! Leave! Me! Alone!

my shutdowns don't really last that long, but generally when it happens it helps me if a loved one approaches me. being alone to my own thoughts is sometimes badbadBAD. talking to me, hugging me, etc. actually helps me to clarify and deal with my feelings. i don't think in words a lot of the time, especially when i get upset. so having someone talk me through it and be there for me brings the logic and language back into my brain.

I am really glad that you added your perspective, because it goes to show that everyone (including Aspies) are different.

It serves as a good lesson to communicate with your loved one (when they are not in the midst of asking for 'space' or 'time alone'). Because that person is an individual, and assumptions benefit nobody. (Whether they are assumptions from the stereotypically 'NT' perspective side of life & social rules, or the stereotypical AS/Autie perspective side.)

It could very well be that you find out something surprising - such as hyperlexian's preferences, above.

Women communicate.

Men deal with it.

That's just how it is, and women should stop trying to make men behave like women!

I find your machismo very sexy

But I think you're over generalising

Yes, I am. While this is not true in each and every case, it is generally the way that most people seem to behave. Maybe this video will help explain my point of view (read lyrics Here):

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwS2Cgsy8Do[/youtube]
/\ There's a reason who the lead vocalist is a man, and the chorus is made up of women.

Last edited by Fnord on 26 Feb 2012, 11:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Actually, I could see that working for me.

When I've been really wound up in the past, I've used guided meditations and hypnosis tapes to good effect.

When you're brain is boiling over, it can be nice to have someone pull you gently back to calmness. A soothing, non judgemental voice to focus on and help you feel safe.

I think it would have to be done right though.

Worst thing to do is make demands on the meltdownee... like insisting they tell you what's wrong, or that you calm down or other kinds of impositions. Not very supportive.

Usually the real people around me aren't supportive or understanding enough, so my only option would be to remove myself and work through it on my own.

I haven't had a meltdown for a long time but I do remember that any tension or stressor that you could normally shrug off or cope with gains about 100x impact.

This^

For me, it doesn't require a lot of time (a couple hours, it that) but I would also add that it is also necessary to not make excessive emotional demands at this time either: alone means alone

Yes! It's like ... you guys.... it's like we share a similar neurological makeup!

Oh, and I'm a female "dealer", not a "communicator". Ultimately I can try to communicate, but it's rough going...

Initially, it attracts men to me, but eventually they're horrified. I'm unheimlich...

For me, too much sensory input of any kind will do it. It makes me feel physically sick (pretty sure it plays games with my blood pressure). I expect to have to crash after just a pleasurable trip into the city, even without any interaction. Total silence fixes it, like an hour or two of total silence. Then I'm usually functional again. Sometimes, though, it takes a good night's sleep to wear off. I have a very hard time when people try to talk to me during that time, even if it's to ask if they can help. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that my brain can't process talking.

Exactly. As a child I often exploded under stress, and the shut-down approach was something I developed to prevent that. These days I find my own space and take the time to calm down, which can be quite difficult if my partner is also stressed. He reacts to stress by shouting, as many NTs do.

communication is a way of dealing with feelings and is thus under the same umbrella. so your arbitrary categorisation fails.

men and women aren't one way or an other. most people have a mixture of coping mechanisms. therefore your generalisation fails too.

Good point. Communicating is functional after all.

I guess some people prefer to deal with things by keeping it all in. But that's not really processing anything, it's just building up a nice big reservoir of repressed emotions.

I find it hard to express my feelings.

i am an over-communicator. it is very hard on the people around me because i have to talk through everything in my head. you and i are at extremes.

I think Fnord is thinking more about social expectations. Women are much more able to talk to each other about emotional problems. It's quite normal for them. Men are conditioned not to show emotional weakness, and groups of men simply do not talk about their feelings. Even I can't do it, and I'm both gay and plain weird, so I should have an excuse.

It's uncomfortable, mostly. We don't usually show emotions like that, and we don't know how to respond to them (including when they're from women - ladies, if your man doesn't show you affection when you're upset, it isn't because he doesn't care but because he doesn't know what the hell to do).