can't bring myself to have sex with bf

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hyperlexian
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16 Sep 2010, 10:00 pm

Jules22, well, i am sort of in the middle on this issue.

to me, it would be a non-issue if the relationship had started off non-sexual, or with extremely limited sexual contact (like, with big stretches of no sex). if that had been the case, there would be no problem with going a few months with no sex.

but i find it different if you started off having regular sex, but have now stopped (which seems to be the case). in that situation, he has a right to know what you are feeling and thinking, and what you think will happen next. i don't think you should run off and leave him or anything, but he deserves to know as much as you are aware of as to why you don't want sex anymore. that way, he can choose for himself if this is something he can live with.


maybe he will be okay with it for a while, but wants some assurance that you will return to sexual contact with him eventually. and in that case he may want to know what you are doing to work on it.

maybe he will want to help you work on it, or want to attend couples therapy.

or maybe he will want to stay in the relationship but be allowed the freedom to look elsewhere for the sexual component.

or maybe he will want to leave.


drastically leaving him sounds unnecessary unless there are other aspects of the relationship that are intolerable. please note that 2 possible reasons for lack of desire could be depression, or a desire to push him away due to relationship issues, so maybe you are trying to send a signal that you want him to leave. but regardless, i think he has a right to clear and open communication about where you two stand.


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Jules22
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17 Sep 2010, 5:38 am

Thanks everyone.

He has hurt me in the past, by cheating and other stuff, but i dont think this is a big factor. It was my choice to take him back. I have just recently become absolutely horrified at the thought of getting intimate with him, or anyone else.

I am definitely not gay! and maybe it could be the anti-depressants, i need to ask my doctor.
He knows how i feel, but i don't think he really understands. he takes it personally and i don't really blame him. I do try to explain though, all the time.

The thing i am most worried about is that i will never be able to be in a sexual relationship again. I have never been with someone faithful and i feel like i may have just given up?

I was more interested to learn if this is a common AS symptom?

Julia x



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17 Sep 2010, 8:43 am

my AS-ish bf and i have similar issues.

he was on ssri's 15 yrs and has been off everything for 3 yrs (personal choice... he's an adult, so ok... ill believe it's best for him). we just started dating this january, so i never even knew him on antidepressants...

but he certainly goes through periods of a couple months or so here an there where he just isn't interested in sex... which is hard for me cause i was just coming off of an almost 4 yr hiatus from sex... and especially since we don't see each other too too often... this was/is somewhat anticlimactic for me.

but we work with it. it IS hard not to take it personally (especially for me because i have trouble even telling when he isn't feeling ok)... but since depression is partially what contributed to my 4 yr sex withdrawal... I try my best to understand what he goes through.

but i really enjoy being with him and definitely want to stay... and when the cycle does end... it is VERY worth it :)

i hope you guys can work through things... and that you feel better.


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17 Sep 2010, 9:48 am

I agree with those who said it's not fair to keep the relationship going if she has no intention to have sex ever again, but that's not exactly what she said. If she depressed or her meds are causing this, the situation could easily change. If she would tell him she lost her sexual appetite but she's trying to sort it out and find solutions, he might understand and be willing to wait.

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Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.


Do you really believe that breeding is the only reason to have a relationship?


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17 Sep 2010, 11:09 am

Jules22 wrote:
Thanks everyone.

He has hurt me in the past, by cheating and other stuff, but i dont think this is a big factor. It was my choice to take him back. I have just recently become absolutely horrified at the thought of getting intimate with him, or anyone else.


Julia x


My ex did this to me and I went through the same thing. I had some issues before that which I think was strongly due to my antidepressants plus I was very insecure with myself. But after he the cheating, it was very hard for me to even let him get near me. Eventually he did it again and that was the end of that.

I know you may not like my input but it seems your relationship has already been hurt. I think what you said here could be a huge contributor...maybe not the only contributor but a big one nonetheless. I know I'm not you but in my experience as much as I tried to forgive him, the intimate feelings and trust were gone.


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17 Sep 2010, 2:31 pm

I couldn't bring myself to have sex with my last boyfriend ever. At least you tried it. I didn't think I was ready to give him my virginity yet which lead to him cheating. If he's not willing to work with you on this, then drop him like a rock. Maybe try different positions, role-playing, or something. Maybe plain missionary sex just isn't enough for you, like for a lot of people. :)



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19 Sep 2010, 6:14 am

Jules22 wrote:
Thanks everyone.

He has hurt me in the past, by cheating and other stuff, but i dont think this is a big factor. It was my choice to take him back. I have just recently become absolutely horrified at the thought of getting intimate with him, or anyone else.

I am definitely not gay! and maybe it could be the anti-depressants, i need to ask my doctor.
He knows how i feel, but i don't think he really understands. he takes it personally and i don't really blame him. I do try to explain though, all the time.

The thing i am most worried about is that i will never be able to be in a sexual relationship again. I have never been with someone faithful and i feel like i may have just given up?

I was more interested to learn if this is a common AS symptom?

Julia x


I think it would help if you tried to understand why you don't want sex. I was on anti-depressants & other meds for about 5 years & my drive was almost non existent at times. If that's the case your meds might could be changed. If there's another rezone you don't want sex like maybe your asexual or you would rather focus on other things in your relationship; 1ce you know what the rezone is you can better explain it with your bf. Maybe the two of you could try working on a compromise like you give him an BJ/HJ or let him watch porn instead of you getting intimate with him :? Most couples in relationships don't have the exact same sex drives as their partners. You should NOT have to do anything you really don't want to thou & it's important that he understands that you really don't want to do it. If he can not handle that; you should not be with him


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20 Sep 2010, 2:02 am

Invader wrote:
Sorry if this is blunt, but think about it. There is no point in having a mate which you can't mate with.

Are you KIDDING? Companionship, shared humor, common interests, and LOVE are worthless without sex? How silly.
Invader wrote:
That is not a "red flag", they are perfectly right to be unhappy and you are the one with the defect. I do not mean that as an insult in any way, but if you think about it, you know it's true.

A person is "defective" if they don't desire sex with one other person? That makes (I dare say) all of us defective.
Invader wrote:
Any male who was simply "fine" with it, and "understood" would definitely have something wrong with him, would be unhealthily passive and would have a weak will to live which was far too easily subdued. The drive to reproduce is, after all, equivalent to the will to live. The strong drive behind it is the only thing which has allowed all species to survive to the current generation.

All the gays and lesbians, not to mention the folks (including men) over at asexuality.org would laugh at this. :roll:
Invader wrote:
He is perfectly right to want to mate, even if he is being aggressive about it. That is natural for all species, and what you are feeling is not.

I guess all the other species in which asexuality occurs are likewise not "natural".
Invader wrote:
Sex is the basis of the relationship which exists between the sexes. You can't have the lovey-dovey friendship without it having a purpose.

So if the only thing that differentiates romantic love from friendship is sex,
you're saying all people in romantic relationships are simply friends with benefits.

Again, more silliness.

I don't know that the OP is asexual, someone who has fallen out of love with her partner, or is experiencing psychological/medical problems, but your comments are simply hogwash.


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Last edited by Bethie on 20 Sep 2010, 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

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20 Sep 2010, 2:09 am

Aspie1 wrote:
That's not what feminism should be about.



Nor should it be, because this thread isn't about women's rights....at all. 8O


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Last edited by Bethie on 20 Sep 2010, 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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20 Sep 2010, 2:17 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Jules22, let me ask you this: how would you feel if your boyfriend never gave you flowers, never took out out to a romantic dinner, never told you how beautiful you look, never bought you chocolates "just because", never gave you emotional support after a stressful day, never wrote you a love letter, and never agreed to help you around the house. That's right, you'd dump him faster than you can say "it's not you, it's me..


Do guys actually do that? I've never met any who do. Thats a stupid stereotype its pretty much never the case.
And saying that women expect that is even worse.

OP: I think you should break it off. You're not sexually compatible. /end.



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20 Sep 2010, 2:39 am

Anti-depressants can lower your sex drive. That being said, you shouldn't stop taking the anti-depressants for the chance that it may increase your sex drive to do so. I understand that people enjoy sex, almost to the point where they feel that they need it, but you don't HAVE to have sex with your boyfriend if you don't want to. He needs to try to be a little more understanding. I'm not suggesting that you break up with him, but remember that there are plenty of guys who don't enjoy having sex that much either.



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20 Sep 2010, 4:08 am

The first guy I was ever "with" cheated on me, and it ruined sex for me. It took me years before the thought of having any kind of sexual activity didn't make me cry, because all I would think about was how he cheated on me. I've worked through it now, but if he cheated on you then that tells you all you need to know about him. No one who cares about you even a little would cheat on you. Ever. If he cheated on you, then he was only in it for the regular sex because clearly you are interchangeable in his mind with any other woman out there. And that's why he gets mad when the sex is no longer so regular. Your "purpose" for him has been taken away, so he feels cheated. Don't dump him because your sex drives aren't compatible, dump him because that's all you are to him. For this particular relationship, I'm going to suggest that you learn that no one is better at pleasing you than you.

Now, if this were a healthy relationship where the guy was actually interested in your well-being, I would say this: Talk to him about it. Discuss what you do like and what you don't like. God invented oral sex for a reason. (Although if this makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to do it either). There is more than just intercourse. Also talk to your doctor, because a low libido is a common side effect of anti-depressants. And the worst thing you can do is obsess over this. Sexuality is very psychological, and if you're freaking out because you don't seem to ever be in the mood then you'll never be relaxed enough to notice that you might be in the mood.

And Aspie1, seriously? Guys sometimes (though not often) pull the romantic moves in the beginning of the relationship, but they're living together now. It's a safe bet that he stopped doing that stuff a while ago. And the ideas aren't comparable. Her having a low libido is more comparable to a guy with erectile dysfunction. Sure some doctors just throw pills at you, but reputable doctors say take it slow and try activities other than intercourse. I've never heard anyone ever suggest yell at him until he gets it up as a solution. (I make that comment because Jules mentioned that her boyfriend gets mad at her because she doesn't want to have sex). And no one tells women to leave men who have ED. I can only imagine how men would freak out if that were to become the standard. But men have little blue pills and women have "fake it 'til you make it," so I remain far from convinced that we've reached fairness and equitability as far as sex is concerned.



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20 Sep 2010, 5:18 am

Jules22, from what you've said here I would imagine that you problem is a result of the state of your relationship. It is very hard for a woman to be intimate with a man when there is a huge gulf between them. Cheating creates a huge gulf and it sounds like that hasn't yet been overcome. The hurt you still feel from this and the fallout are the issues that needs addressing. You need to be honest with yourself about whether you will ever fully forgive him and forget it.



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20 Sep 2010, 7:19 am

i have no real desire for sex. my girlfriend wants it very often.
she always touches me and grabs my backside and pulls me close to her to kiss her, but i feel like a mechanical person, and i can not share what her desires are.

i have often worried that she must obviously leave me because of my lack of physical intimacy, but she stays with me none the less.

my girlfriend (tammy) is the most darling person i ever met. i give her everything i can, and i talk to her in a way i do not talk to others. she knows that i have a special place in my mind for her. i value her friendship extremely and she has never had anyone else value her company as much as i do.

i do love her very much, and she feels it and she can not live without it (she says and i believe her)

i am a very strange person and i talk only for myself here.

i would feel as if i was devaluing my automatic love of her if i took my clothes off and pushed the thing i wee with inside her, and used her body to orgasm in.

i only ever felt orgasms very few times, and they were ok to feel, but i would not like to use her for that.

i know i would not be "using" her because she wants it, but i nevertheless can not escape the idea that i would be using her body for my orgasms which i do not value much anyway.

i do not know how to explain it really.

i like to touch her cheek gently with my forefinger and rub her eyebrow gently with my thumb, and kiss her forehead and hold her head in my hands and tell her that she will never want for a friend while i am alive. i am so concerned about all the things that make her unhappy with her life and i try very hard to fix them.

i do care. but to ask her to take her clothes off so i can lie on top of her and thrust into her seems to me like a fallacy that i always had that goal in mind, and that all the tenderness was just mere grooming to make her give her vagina to me when i do not want it anyway. i have very few sexual hormones as i am not really past puberty.

i told her many times, that if she wants sex, then she should go find it, but i will always be here and i will always love her and treat her the same when she comes to me.

she holds on to me tightly and will never let me go even though i do not stimulate her sexuality. when we sleep, we always are tightly wrapped in each other, and her forehead is always close to my lips, and i kiss her when i wake up for a few seconds, and she grips me tighter in her semi consciousness.

she is not prepared to leave the warmth of my love for a second to find sex with another.

i have many sexual inadequacies, but my love is full, and it means more to her than sex.

if she left me and went with someone who could be romantic in a natural way, then i would live with it and not try to lure her back.

but she knows no one ever loved her like i do, and her heart overrules her hormones.

i am very entrenched in an autistic state of mind presently, and i can not tell how this post will be received (if at all), and so i am just going to press "post" anyway.



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20 Sep 2010, 8:03 am

That was a beautiful post, b9. You have very strong, powerful love.