returning phone calls

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I'm in a long-distance relationship with an Aspie man.

I typically do the phone calls in our relationship. If I leave a message, though, he rarely will call me back. I don't like being the one to call all the time and I really don't like that he doesn't call back. I know that he wants to talk to me so that isn't it, but I still feel hurt by this behavior.

I want to know what to say to him. I want some reciprocity, assurance that I'm not a pest, and/or to understand why he doesn't call me back. And don't suggest emails - due to some other issues, that doesn't work for him for conversations.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Tell him straight out what you want.

How do I say that so he doesn't get upset? He gets all quiet, etc. when he thinks he's offended me. Do I talk about my feelings or just keep it matter of fact.

If it was me. I'd want you to keep it matter of fact. I don't like when people talk around a subject.

ps. sorry for the double post before. >.<

Sounds good. This person seems to get uncomfortable when I get emotional (which is quite easy for me to do). I will try. Thanks again.

Well, speaking as an Aspie man, I am perfectly well aware that I am lousy at communicating.

For me, text messages or emails are fine, so I am happy to use them when I cannot steel myself to pick up the phone. Obviously for him that might not be a solution.

But I think it is perfectly fair to say to him, "We both know that communication is difficult for you. Is there a way that you would feel comfortable communicating with me so that we both are taking some of the responsibility." This way you aren't complaining about feeling upset, but rather you are looking for a constructive way for him to take on a task in a way that he is comfortable with.

In my case, making the approach, returning the call can be very anxiety laden. He may not even know why he's avoiding making the call, but my guess is there is fear or anxiety at the bottom of it. Please try to understand that.

Definitely speak directly. Clearly explain what you need and why. Ask if there is something you can do to make it easier...make some agreements or compromises--maybe he'd be more comfortable returning the call with a text. Talking on the phone is difficult for me. Only my left ear processes the information, so even holding the phone up to the wrong ear (which often happens when you rush to answer the interruption) can make conversations very difficult and taxing. Texting is much easier. I'll answer texts, but rarely answer my phone. I never listen to voice mail, and rarely return phone calls--I think some of this might be difficulty in hearing and retrieving them on my phone. A lot of times, the phone doesn't get answered because I simply can't talk and do whatever it is I'm doing at the same time. Then I get on to the next thing and forget it rang. Sometimes its a real relief to get a second or third call from someone you really want to talk to.

You might even try to find out what about it bothers him...don't expect an answer to that now. Sometimes it takes me months to figure that kind of stuff out, but once the question is posed and I see the reason for it, I'll worry at the problem until I figure it out. Maybe your guy is the same way.

Aspergerians need explicit instructions and immediate rewards; he should appreciate that, rather than feeling offended.
Tell him that it would make you feel good if he called you; start with once a week. Suggest that he put it on his calendar as a "to do" or however he keeps track of tasks. Any more than that and he will feel that it is putting him under pressure

Also, clearly tell him that when you leave him a message he needs to call you back with three hours or you will worry because it leaves you hanging. Add that his calling back also makes you feel happy.

That should do it.

thanks to all of you - I'm figuring out my script now!

OK, already that qualifies you for sainthood.



Not at all surprising.



Totally understandable.



Hang on very tightly to that feeling! He's done *something* to communicate that sentiment to you. Even if he doesn't communicate it in precisely the way you would like or as often or in a seemingly simple way, he *has* done it.



You're allowed to feel hurt. But, something tells me that you've probably gotten over other manifestations of callous behavior. I'll bet you can get over this, too. (I don't mean to be snippy here. I'm really serious.)



What to say seems pretty obvious; the issue is *how* to say it. As straightforwardly as possible. Listen, I would bet that he, himself, has no idea why he doesn't call you back. And I'd also bet that if you ask him, you will *not* receive some totally rational answer that's satisfying and leaves you thinking, "ahhh, now I get it." I'm sure on some level, he wants to call you back. He may be very anxious about it. His emotions may be all over the map about it. You may not get that because you're his girlfriend and very sweet and kind and accepting, etc., etc. Just know that we can feel very threatened even in totally safe situations. (And vice versa.)

Now, If you come to a genuine understanding -- not just an explanation but a real understanding -- PLEASE TELL US! It would help me to understand why I have zero friends. I have the explanation -- I never called them back -- but no real understanding, because I *wanted* to call them back. I just never did it.



I won't. I totally get that. I've had otherwise perfectly sound relationships go completely off the rails due to a misinterpreted e-mail.



If this is the only issue in an otherwise healthy and fulfilling relationship, consider yourself extremely lucky. Think about it: you could be with me! I'd never call you back, *plus* I'd make your life a nightmare in about a thousand other ways.

I totally disagree with this. That sounds like an ultimatum to me. Very threatening. In fact, I recoiled just reading that. And I'm not the one you're going to deliver this message to! Unless you truly feel this way, a softer (though still honest and straightforward) approach will almost invariably be better.

And I still stand by it.

Relationships must have some rules involved, otherwise she will just have to learn t put up with never hearing from him. That advantages no one.

Also, you might want to look up the definition of "ultimatum". An ultimatum would be "call me within three hours or it's over." My suggestion would only be to set up a reasonable expected level of behavior and then define why it is important. A man with Asperger's ( I should know; I am one) often doesn't realize that returning messages has a positive emotional impact.

People with AS may need specific instructions, but at the same time may hate them too. Especially if you use threat. Like my mom who threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't do my household tasks - I was pretty scared. Not that I didn't want to do them or anything, I was under stress with exam period and the like, so I simply forgot to do them... and the extra stress of possibly being kicked out of the house (where do I live? where do I sleep? where should I leave my stuff? how do I get food?) didn't help much. A simple post-it with "do tasks" on the door did the trick though...

If you're a grown man you probably don't want to be told flat out that you need to do something - even though it would work, it can make you feel stupid and worthless. So be careful how you do this.

When you leave a message, do you specifically ask him to call you back? You could say something like "I miss you, could you call me back when you hear this so we can chat?". That's not as flat out as "you need to call me back withing 3 hours", but still pretty obvious. If he realizes that it makes you happy when he does that, that will be something he will want to do. Having AS can mean that he simply doesn't realize that. It's not that he doesn't want to make you happy, he just doesn't know how to do it (or is scared of the way to do it).

It's a bit of a paradox: don't tell him flat out, but give him enough hint by telling him indirectly. It's important to be positive: say that it makes you happy when you call him, not that you hate it when he doesn't. And do that when you leave a message, that's the point in time when he needs to realize that. He will have to learn this, and positive reinforcement works best to teach new behavior. Don't be very disappointed when he forgets once in a while, he needs to learn.

If the hints don't work, talk to him about it. Ask what you and him can do together to make this go better for the both of you. Like to try to call you once a week. If he want to schedule that call, let him do that. When he gets used to the idea to call you he may do it more often, but that can take a while.

Okay, it seems that what I have written is quite different than what I thought I wrote. But...

Hints will work for neurotypicals men. For Aspergian men, hints are exactly what we don't get. We understand clear statements... not threats, not ulitmatums, which I never wrote and which are quite different than specific social rules that should be adhered to. Cherrybomb is obviously having a serious problem with his behavior or else she would not beother to post here.

She wrote, "This person seems to get uncomfortable when I get emotional." Good, then we have learned something. He needs logic, not emotional confrontation. This means "Honey, you need to call me back in a reasonable amout of time, because otherwise I worry." Simple cause and effect... And it is clearer when "a reasonable amount of time" is defined.

She wrote. "He gets all quiet, etc. when he thinks he's offended me." Good, then don't be offended; she should merely state what her needs are and tell him the positive steps he can take to fulfill them.

I hope this will end the misinterpretation of my advice.

You're welcome to stand by it, and I'm not somehow disappointed that you didn't change your mind. There's no "right" answer, here, and the OP deserves to hear the full spectrum of what the possible outcomes could be. You would react positively; I would react negatively. You don't need to recast your vote or have the last word in order for your view to count.



Totally agree. She needs to set rules. The question concerns how she should go about doing that.



Thanks for your gratuituous and demeaning advice.



Strictly speaking, yes. But, any command on the order of, "do the following within this [short] amount of time or face these consequences" gets close enough for me.



Again, I agree. It's not an issue of substance but one of style.

"That sounds like an ultimatum to me. Very threatening. In fact, I recoiled just reading that. And I'm not the one you're going to deliver this message to!"

And of course that wasn't gratuitous and demeaning... and neither was the line-by-line critique of my post.

But, hey, no problem; I'm easy to get along with.