How to stop the arguments?

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First of all, I don't know if I have asperger or not. I've been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and possible bipolar, but I don't think it fits very well. I'm socially clumsy, not a hermit. I'm trying to get checked out for asd, but it's not easy in my country.

Rant alert!

My (nt) wife and me have been having these terrible arguments for a few years. To me, they always start with me saying something complety innocent that somehow makes her go nuts. Today, she called me from the mall and I said, "don't go crazy in there" - pretty much - which was enough to set her off. When she got home, we had a horrible argument, and she blames me for starting the whole thing. Just an example. Yesterday she asked if she could invite her sister and her husband for dinner on Saturday, and I said "sure, fine". Then she doesn't invite them and gets mad at me, because she says it was obvious that I didn't want them to come. "I wasn't very enthusiastic". Sorry about all the personal crap, but it's driving me nuts. I'm constantly getting blamed for picking fights, and I'm seriously not seeing what I'm saying that's so horrible... Anybody else have this problem, or is she just abusive? I'm starting to wonder.

She knows about my (recent) diagnosis and my history of depression, but it's never really an issue. Who in their right mind would expect a schizoid to be enthusiastic about in-laws coming over for dinner...? (since that's my official dx). She's seeing a shrink for anxiety and mild depression, which might be part of it, and according to her shrink I'm a horrible, abusive person trying to take away all her self-esteem. Argh! We used to be pretty close, but after one of these fights I can't even look at her for days. Which is a childish and immature reaction, according to her. And so on and so on.

Help! I'd be happy for any input and advice. I really have no idea what to do about this. At this point, I'm only staying in the relationship because of our two beautiful kids.

Hm, maybe that was a bit much. Maybe what I'm asking is just this: Does anybody else get blamed for being negative and picking fights when you're only making innocent comments and neutral observations - in your mind?

OP, I hope you and your wife can find a good marriage counselor (perhaps one that can work with both of your psychiatrists) to figure out a better way for you two to communicate and negotiate in healthier, more constructive ways. I don't know about your backgrounds, but even if you both come from Leave It to Beaver type families, your diagnosis and your wife's diagnosis are a lot to deal with. Working with a neutral, professional third-party is probably the fairest, most reasonable approach to take. Obviously, you have to both be willing to go, and committed to following the advice and ground rules you establish with the help of the therapist. I hope you two can find the right therapist, so that you, your wife, and your two beautiful children can live happier, more peaceful lives. Good luck.

Yes.

Relations can turn in a blame game for every kind of couple. But because Aspies and schizoid miss a whole chunk of what is really happening, we need to replace that with plain logic. The problem with plain logic, it that it is direct objective and cold.

Usually when trouble happens, it means we missed something unspoken or suggested that is natural to NTs, and in order to explain our initial reaction we will use undeniable logic again, that the person we argue with will have trouble to contradict because of suggestive nature of the initial misunderstanding.

When a problem occurs, don't use logic to shield yourself, use it to discover what you missed and got you in trouble in the first place.
When you are going to speak, think of what you want to say by expanding the context further than the clear-cut situation of the moment.

You have to turn direct, objective and cold into subtle, imaginative and warm. Think of the good times at the beginning. Expanding your logic will help you to go in that direction. Someone has to defuse the situation, break the blame cycle to improve the relationship, and that someone can be you. Logic isn't it?

I have big big BIG problem with this suggestion. Most marriage counselors generally take the wife's side and/or blame the husband for everything. For Loke, his wife already doing that plenty, so the last thing he needs is a "neutral, professional third-party" blaming him professionally. Since the marriage counseling field is NT-dominated, that puts him at yet another disadvantage. It's safe to say that he might have difficulty defending himself during the sessions. So he'll be worse off after counseling than before. His wife, I can't say sure, but I'm a man, so I wouldn't know her side. Now, your profile says you're NT female, so even thought your heart is in the right place, you don't risk being on the receiving end of a verbal beat-down when seeing a marriage counselor, so the advice may seem helpful to you, but it's potentially damaging to the OP.

Some of you might say that I got that from TV stereotypes, but remember: art imitates life. Those episodes had to have come from somewhere. I could even get into the conspiracy theory that marriage counselors get kickbacks from divorce attorneys, but it seems too outlandish to be true.

To the OP: your mistake was using the word "fine" in a sense of "good". It pretty much lost its original meaning, and now means "I'll do it, but I'll hate every moment of it". The original use remains preserved as a response to "how are you?", but pretty much nowhere else. Kind of like the word "gay", which no longer means "jolly" outside of the Christmas song "Deck the Halls". (Some schoolteachers even modify it to: "Don we now our fun apparel", for obvious reasons.)

@Aspie1, I don't really know how to respond to your comment, because your opinion is based not on experience, but on perceptions from things you've seen on television.

I'm sure that the OP has some responsibility for the problems in his marriage, just as his wife does. That's why I said that they both had to be willing to work with the therapist - because if they want the marriage to work, they're both going to have to face up to the negative behaviors each of them brings to the relationship. But taking responsibility is a mature, adult thing to do, and couples therapy is supposed to be a safe environment in which to do that. It's not an adversarial process.

And frankly, as an NT woman, I would be expected to own any negative behaviors I brought to a marriage - if I was interested in saving my marriage. I guess that's what I don't get about your response - marriage counseling is not about winning, or attacking or defending. It's about saving a marriage. That takes sacrifice, it definitely requires one to put his/her pride aside, to abandon one's need to be right. The OP and his wife are clearly not having a lot of success working things out on their own, so I can't think of a better alternative to a neutral, professional third-party. I'm not sure what else to say.

You and your wife have a communication problem.

You need marriage counseling.

I would approach this by saying to your wife...and try to sound like to mean it...in fact maybe get her flowers or do something for her that you know she would like, and say to her "I love you very much and I'm tired of all the arguments. I know we've been having some communication problems and I think we should go to marriage counseling, because when you're not happy, I'm not happy, and I want us both to be happy."

This might be true, however I suggest that the reason is that it is the woman who is usually the one who initiates the counseling process, and the woman who finds the counselor, and the woman who first talks to the counselor.

By the original poster initiating the process and being involved from the beginning, that might eliminate bias.