confused by Aspie exGF conflicting statements

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MichaelDacunha
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19 Feb 2013, 1:41 pm

Hello

My name is Michael and I am new to this forum and new to understanding about people with Aspergers and dating someone like me who is NT. I am new to all of this

Last summer 2012 I met a wonderful girl we dated for 3 fantastic months she told me she loved me after a month though sadly it ended on a loving yet diffcult note .
we both were in transit. with moving jobs , her getting a job after her college graduation etc .
She only near the end of our relationship told me about her Aspergers and some of her actions that were to me unexplainable. actions not matching emotions etc . She had stated that she didnt tell me of this as was worried about being made fun of. and that along with that fact I was from what she told me her only Nice bf .

I missed her horribly but i knew i needed to get my self fixed up and i decided to do such and worked on many things with her also in mind that we would talk again in the future. well we started to on Christmas day in a text format. she even wanted to hang out that eve . but was unable too. we agreed to see each other at a local club we both like. it was great talking as before she would seem to hide as would I we didnt talk when we saw each other .

she said Michael it was just bad timing for us both. i agreed and said to her . Lets talk about the past someday but for now lets be friends , see how we are today as people and get to know each other again and see how that goes.

In hindsight after knowing more about Aspergers I think she took that as i just want to be your friend nothing more. when in fact I Do love her much. But i meant what i said as take it day by day. over the course of the next 2 months up till today we have talked almost every day texting etc. I have never mentioned to her about re-dating or love since that day we started talking again so as not to scare her. her actions however have been that of a girl in love with me. I do not say this out of arrogance . I am a person very good at reading people and with quite a bit of dating exp. Her shyness her getting wierd when other women are around me etc. This is where I feel horrible in that maybe I from not knowing much about AS imay have hurt her unintentionally. Though i have mentioned nothing of dating or starting up again or telling her i really lover her. she has on over 10 occaisons with out solicitation told me . Michale i dont love you , I dont think we should date . etc. all with out any indication from me of an interest in her that way. I really meant what i said to her about, lets be friends and see where it goes . Maybe she though I just like you as a friend. not sure. she also has suggested hanging out for coffee. 2 times i agreed but she no showed no called and 2 days after was texting like nothing happened. When i finally said look dont play me a fool she then made plans which she stuck to . She picked me up and brought me to a coffee house on sat . During this time together she once again with out any provocations from me told me 6 times of how it would never work with us. while she was holding my hand sitting near me and later back at my place laying on my bed with me holding my hand and telling me how much she misses us spending time together. all her cue are that of a girl in love Of how a gf acts . I have been pretty good with women and dating and read them well but this women who is super special to me I dont get. I wanted to yell at her but I did not. finally after hearing her with out me hitting on her or talking of redating etc saying 6 more times things like I dont love you I dont want a romantic relationship and also telling me that when we dated she didnt really like having sex with me though we did it 3-4 times every time we saw each other and she often asked me to .

In a non AS dating situation this whole thing is gaming . many women often say i dont really like you but they do etc. So i finally said to her. look its arrogant to think I am pushing that though I do care for you I meant be friends and go from there. see what happens. she then says we could never ever date . ok so i said well i dont beleive that based on your actions . we left it at that she went home

so after this long explanation I am more confused then ever
oh btw she texted me sunday with hugs so nice to see you cant wait to see you tuesday night as she asked to hang out again. then yesterday she cancelled . I asked her why she gave me some story about a cold. i said come one . so she said i need space feeling overwhelmed by you. I said fine ok i need some space too. Now if i was being a pain to her or such i can see her actions but i havent been that at all. she has aksed me to hang out etc she texts me i text her etc.

I really do love her and would like to try to keep getting to know her again. but the things she says just dont match her actions . like i sa her staring at me a few times sat eve at the club and she was really with drawn. etc so any input into this would really help.
like I said with a non AS girl this would be simple . with her I am lost I would like to date her again and lover her much other than the weirdness she really is a great sweet smart girl. also i dont want to waste my time on her if it is in fact a waste of m time , not trying to be mean but i have a heart as well
I am not one of those chasing spineless type guys who chase women I was quite the player boy when young so i know how i act ect. so rest assured my words are accurate and not of a lovesick boy

(not sure if this matters but she was seeing a guy up until about 2 weeks ago that was from what she says was not so great and lasted 3 months )

i feel horrible above all else thank you so much



aspiemike
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20 Feb 2013, 3:27 pm

Sorry for a late reply to your post. I think my advice is to mend your broken heart now. It sounds as if she truly believes it will never work out. She seems to be engaging in some strange self-fulfilling prophecy in the regards to whether a relationship will work out. You mention she keeps saying "I don't think we should date." From a spirtitual perspective, my insight tells me she doesn't really love herself and that you should not really be looking too much into things. She has confused you and has not been too clear. Just be as clear headed and take in everything she tells you as a friend and let your feelings decide for you what you want to do.

I know from my past situation in the fall of 2012 that when the girl I was dating told me "I don't think this will work out in the long term." I had that thought stuck in my head until we finally ended things a month later. It was as if I had no reason to make the smallest effort at that point. That was also before I became somewhat spiritual and enlightened.



MichaelDacunha
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20 Feb 2013, 10:24 pm

thank you

ya its been very confusing
today I got a text would you like to hang out on sunday ? and an apology for transference of feeling to me from the guy she most recently dated . weird but I know some of this may be aspergers related. I am just going to be here friend not matter what . as who I knew seems very different form this version in so many ways. and its iff she doesnt even remember who I am

ty

but looking to her more replys
ty



MichaelDacunha
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20 Feb 2013, 10:50 pm

Aspie Mike


your fall situation sounded to me like a red flag not always an ending . but like ya said your more enlightened now and would have dont it otherwise women often say one thing but do another. my former girl is between NT and aspie in her actions which makes her extremely hard to read

best of luck



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21 Feb 2013, 7:28 am

I think right now she is very confused / conflicted, and getting over the other guy she just broke up with. I would just give her some time and space to get her thoughts and feelings together. In the meantime, if she wants to hang out as friends, nothing wrong with that. However, her constant reminders about not loving you and no possibility of things working out between you really do seem to contradict her behavior. She is sending you mixed messages, which are either because of her confusion, or because she wants to keep you confused. The no-calls and no-shows aren't helping clear things up any, either. To be honest, I don't think she really knows for sure what she wants right now, so I'd just give her time and space to figure things out.


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21 Feb 2013, 9:10 am

sounds like she is attracted to you and cares for you deeply... but has no intention of dating you again at this stage in her life. many people have great chemistry and seem to have a great spark, but simply can't work together as a couple for whatever reason. when she tells you that she doesn't love you and that she doesn't want to date you, she isn't just telling you; she is also reminding herself. she probably misses some aspects of the relationship but has decided it is not going to happen.

i think you should move on and give her space. i.e. date other people and start treating her like an actual friend, start interacting with her as you interact with other friends (not cuddling, holding hands, etc). i believe both of you need some firm boundaries in order to move on properly.

keep in mind that moving on does not necessarily mean you could never return to a relationship with her someday if you both wanted it. in fact, moving on and being in a healthy headspace may actually help you to do that. but it isn't healthy for either of you to be still halfway back inside of a relationship while giving lip service to being broken up. you're both restricted from moving on but not exactly in a relationship either.


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MCalavera
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21 Feb 2013, 9:38 pm

Sorry to hear that. Judging by your post, it looks like she's playing you big time. I hope the next girl is much more decent.



MichaelDacunha
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22 Feb 2013, 5:23 pm

Thanks all

ITs frustrating to me as her "reads " are all off I wonder there for if the Aspergers comes into play. Many women say one thing and mean another . I am sure men do this as well. not being sexist.

I just wish she had told me of her AS becuse even though she is sweet smart and a good person . her actions often didnt make lots of sense to me

for example. the taking literally of everything . the failure of certain social cues etc.
her quirkyness actualy was part of my attaction to her.

I will just backoff a bit. I just worry as I have been told by people familiar with AS tht doing so and totally ignoring her wont work as it would with NT women . I mean I dont want to play any games I just dont want to be hanging around waiting thats not my style .

It was very strange our meeting as she was talking with me as if i was someone else . i said you know me and then she mentioned something about compartmentalizing things. and also she said something about perhaps she was judging me on the actions of other guys ? again odd


so help please

ty
Michael



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22 Feb 2013, 9:44 pm

This looks to me like it has less to do with her Asperger's than other problems she's dealing with. Did she always run hot and cold like that?

If you're wondering whose advice to take here, let me say that hyperlexian is probably the wisest person here.



Sherman247
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22 Feb 2013, 10:28 pm

MichaelDacunha wrote:
Thanks all

ITs frustrating to me as her "reads " are all off I wonder there for if the Aspergers comes into play. Many women say one thing and mean another . I am sure men do this as well. not being sexist.

I just wish she had told me of her AS becuse even though she is sweet smart and a good person . her actions often didnt make lots of sense to me

for example. the taking literally of everything . the failure of certain social cues etc.
her quirkyness actualy was part of my attaction to her.

I will just backoff a bit. I just worry as I have been told by people familiar with AS tht doing so and totally ignoring her wont work as it would with NT women . I mean I dont want to play any games I just dont want to be hanging around waiting thats not my style .

It was very strange our meeting as she was talking with me as if i was someone else . i said you know me and then she mentioned something about compartmentalizing things. and also she said something about perhaps she was judging me on the actions of other guys ? again odd


so help please

ty
Michael


With aspergers people until you get much older or have been around the block awhile. With aspergers or autism of any kind depression and insecurity is really common but so is sticking to a set life style. Alot of aspergers people do not take change real well. Myself, I have gone through life with challenges but i take the bull by the horns so to say and ride it and tame it. It has gotten to the point where the only people who know are people who have known me for the past decade and found out from a parent or something that i had it. Or someone who has a sibling or could just sense it. I have subdued the AS enough that no one knows unless I let them. I am lucky very lucky to have that kind of ability. But I mean it isnt your fault man. Shes just gone on with life sorta without you and change is hard as hell. Eventhough that change may be good taking that First leap of faith is sometime the hardest thing a aspergers kid or adult would ever do. Because when ya fall you fall hard. And it takes a long time for some to get back up again. Like i am the same way with a girl I have a thing with now. Shes "normal" but shes really insecure in the fact that crappy things have happened to her in life. And shes afraid to have a good thing happen to her such as me. Yet we talk all the time.



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23 Feb 2013, 7:24 am

Maybe she just had a meltdown/got stressed out? You'll find that it happens from time to time.

To an NT, an Aspie can send VERY wrong signals; either they won't correctly show what they're trying to or send the wrong ones completely.

BE AS BLUNT AS YOU CAN.


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MCalavera
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25 Feb 2013, 12:20 pm

Zodai wrote:
Maybe she just had a meltdown/got stressed out? You'll find that it happens from time to time.

To an NT, an Aspie can send VERY wrong signals; either they won't correctly show what they're trying to or send the wrong ones completely.

BE AS BLUNT AS YOU CAN.


According to him, the girl explicitly said she didn't love him and even said she didn't enjoy the sex with him.

I don't think it's just Asperger's. There might be something else going on. I think most Aspies tend to be quite considerate of others' feelings.