[edit] more I'M ruining our relationship, not him.

Post Reply New Topic

Even if I don't deserve him.

I hate when I do this.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
I want to just accept that he loves me despite all the horrible things i've done to him and other people.
I can't - how can he possibly love me when i'm this?

To answer your question... He wants to stay, and he will, but if I'm right, it won't necessarily be for all the reasons you want him to. At the end, he'll only be staying because he loves you, and because the thought of what might become of you still puts him in knots.

That's not "pity," either -- it's devotion. You might not see it that way...you might even see him as "weak" right now because he's put up with so much without saying a word...but he's devoted to you, and I'd say it's taken more strength than you'll ever know to stand guard and watch over you while you thrash about carelessly.

Do you deserve that? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Clearly you don't think so. But intead of going around feeling unworthy and looking for ways to run him off, try feeling ***lucky*** for a change and see how fast that humbles you and makes you want to hit your knees to thank whatever cosmic forces you might believe in for giving you such a blessing.

i am very lucky he's still here.
he just keeps telling me to stop worrying and go to bed.
i don't know if can stop worrying, but i will go to bed.
i hope tomorrow looks better.

thank you for putting up with my useless rambling.

Go to bed.

It's not useless rambling. It's tired, emotionally draining, truthful rambling, and I think we'd all do well to do more of it.

look at all the hate from all the men here
all feeling personally attacked

if it doesn't work it doesn't work, trying to beat a dead horse won't help anyone
my guess he isn't your type
nothing wrong with that
not everyone is your type

I guess when you're used to being treated like crap, you expect it to happen from every guy you're with. Now you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one, and it hasn't happened yet.

Before you was happy because he was great and wasn't an abusive jerk. But now you're not used to this, and need him to give you a little hell.

In conclusion: is it really wise to air your problems, it just seems an over-reaction in your mind. Or, you can take your need for abuse and have it granted in more productive means (I'll save that argument for the adults only section.)

OP, for the love of God, talk to your therapist about this. You are self-handicapping the hell out of yourself, and I hope you'll stop before you destroy this relationship.

Here's the deal: you were raised in a dysfunctional family, where abuse went hand-in-hand with caretaking. Your parents taught you that there is no love without pain. When your bf provides love without pain, it doesn't feel "authentic" to you - it doesn't feel real or right. You've been through a string of abusive relationships where your parents' original message of love and pain was reinforced. You keep expecting this guy to follow the same path, and when he doesn't, the dissonance created doesn't go unnoticed by your conscious or subconscious, and anxiety starts to build. You want to relieve the anxiety, and you turn to the dysfunctional methods of relieving stress and anxiety that you were taught as a child: fight, yell, scream....causing the storm to find the calm after.

Oh, and yes, you also don't believe you deserve happiness, a functional relationship, a nice guy, security, blah, blah, blah, because you were taught that you weren't worth that as a child. Good news: this is exactly the kind of stuff your therapist can help you with - and she will not judge you, or think that you're stupid. If she's a decent therapist, she already knows that you need to address this issue, and will be eager to help you with it. Go forth and heal, OP - you'll be glad you did.

^
Me too. You should really think about it emlion, what you're going through is typical for abused women - a therapist could help you a lot.

Be happy

So, I woke up today and read all my posts + all your responses and I see my therapist tomorrow anyone - so i'll tell her all about this, she knows about my past and stuff, but I never really told her how it makes me feel sometimes in relation to my boyfriend. I will now. I really don't want to be without him.