[edit] more I'M ruining our relationship, not him.

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He is a fantastic guy. Every other guy i've been with has been abusive - and I can't accept that this one isn't. It's just so alien to me.

Ugh. I don't know why i'm so screwed up in the head - why can't I just keep enjoying it instead of thinking he must have some other motive for being so nice to me all the time?

OP, for the love of God, talk to your therapist about this. You are self-handicapping the hell out of yourself, and I hope you'll stop before you destroy this relationship.

Here's the deal: you were raised in a dysfunctional family, where abuse went hand-in-hand with caretaking. Your parents taught you that there is no love without pain. When your bf provides love without pain, it doesn't feel "authentic" to you - it doesn't feel real or right. You've been through a string of abusive relationships where your parents' original message of love and pain was reinforced. You keep expecting this guy to follow the same path, and when he doesn't, the dissonance created doesn't go unnoticed by your conscious or subconscious, and anxiety starts to build. You want to relieve the anxiety, and you turn to the dysfunctional methods of relieving stress and anxiety that you were taught as a child: fight, yell, scream....causing the storm to find the calm after.

Oh, and yes, you also don't believe you deserve happiness, a functional relationship, a nice guy, security, blah, blah, blah, because you were taught that you weren't worth that as a child. Good news: this is exactly the kind of stuff your therapist can help you with - and she will not judge you, or think that you're stupid. If she's a decent therapist, she already knows that you need to address this issue, and will be eager to help you with it. Go forth and heal, OP - you'll be glad you did.

Thanks ^^ Dexter is awesomee.

Things are looking much better in the morning (and it's been snowing again & Stefan made me a mini snowman and put him in the freezer for me when I woke up.) He also left me a note saying 'We can do this. I love you.' on the kitchen table.

I think we can make this okay, so we can both be happy.

I'm not kicking him at all - I rarely snap at him specifically, I did once in a really bad way and i'll never do it again. I learned my lesson, because he just backed off and walked away - but that was still standing up to me, as he reacted and didn't just say 'it's okay.'

Things are much better when he stands up to me - we didn't argue hardly at all.
And 'standing up to me' isn't the same as threatening or anything like that.
It just means putting his view across instead of being a doormat.

Here's what I'm understanding, and correct me if I am wrong. You want a balance from him. You very much want him to be a nice guy, you love that he's a nice guy, and you love that he treats you well. But you don't only want him being nice. If you treat him bad and he is upset, you want him to act appropriately. You DO NOT want him to "understand" you or agree with you for the sole sake of keeping the peace. If you are treating him poorly, YOU DESERVE to have him let you know it. he's not doing you any good otherwise. Am I getting this at all?

Having him be up front with you, honest with you, letting you know when he doesn't agree with you, and being assertive with you is NOT AT ALL the same as having someone abuse you. And although having people abuse you and take advantage of you is easy to do, it is not what you ultimately want.

I don't know if your therapist is any good or not, but I do hope she is helping you (I hope that's not a downer . . . I didn't mean it that way).

And you are sticking with him despite the feeling like you don't deserve him. Many may not agree, but I think I think that takes courage.

Things are looking much better in the morning (and it's been snowing again & Stefan made me a mini snowman and put him in the freezer for me when I woke up.) He also left me a note saying 'We can do this. I love you.' on the kitchen table.

bleh, i want to throw up now. you sure bagged an NT there.

why are you sorry in your own thread?

I don't like if people are unhappy with what I say.

bleh, i want to throw up now. you sure bagged an NT there.