[edit] more I'M ruining our relationship, not him.

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Metal_Man
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01 Dec 2010, 9:57 am

You really need to see a therapist about this then. One thing you need to know about nice guys is that once you lose him you will not get him back. Why would you want to be treated like crap?


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emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 9:58 am

because i deserve to be treated like crap.



ikorack
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01 Dec 2010, 9:59 am

emlion wrote:
because i deserve to be treated like crap.


Poppycock everyone deserves someone nice to be intimate with.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 10:00 am

ikorack wrote:
emlion wrote:
because i deserve to be treated like crap.


Poppycock everyone deserves someone nice to be intimate with.


I wish I deserved that. If I felt like I did - there wouldn't be a problem.



ikorack
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01 Dec 2010, 10:04 am

emlion wrote:
ikorack wrote:
emlion wrote:
because i deserve to be treated like crap.


Poppycock everyone deserves someone nice to be intimate with.


I wish I deserved that. If I felt like I did - there wouldn't be a problem.


You do deserve it, your feelings about what you deserve however should be address by a therapist.



Moog
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01 Dec 2010, 10:04 am

Emlion, you really should talk to the therapist about this, this is exactly the kind of thing they are there for.

I don't think you are stupid. I think you are very brave to talk about this, but confused and you need some help with things.


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emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 10:07 am

Okay - i'll tell her, I think maybe since i've been seeing her I am better than before - this time a year ago I would have already flipped out and hurt him so badly he wouldn't ever want to come back. Now, at least, I haven't hurt him.

Right now I miss him so, so much and love him so much. But, I know when he gets home i'll just feel like he's too good for me.
I will tell him this when he comes home - I can't go on feeling like thing and stringing him along. I have to fix it one way or another.



conan
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01 Dec 2010, 10:31 am

to me it sounds like you have low self esteem and you think you don't deserve a successful relationship? He wouldn't be with you if you didn't deserve it.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 11:35 am

He's a nice guy. Maybe he's just still with me because he knows if he left me I wouldn't be able to cope.
He's probably just still with me out of pity.



Homer_Bob
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01 Dec 2010, 11:39 am

How you feel is completely normal for women. No one respects a guy who kisses their ass, nobody. It's normal to not want to be validated and agreed with all the time. It will make you think that your boyfriend has no backbone and can't think for himself. Also a person who shifts where ever the wind blows tends to be a guy who won't be able to protect you and won't be able to stand up for himself when necessary.

What you simply need to do is tell him it's not normal to never have disagreements and that disagreements can be healthy for relationships. For all you know, he could be holding his feelings back and never expressing them which is unhealthy and can cause more problems.

In the end the nice guys finishing last phrase is such an overused cliche but obviously this is a very valid example why. Trying to be over nice and agree with everything will completely isolate and hide potentials problem and it can lead to artificial phoniness. Because if you agree with something but for real disagree very much but don't say anything because of wanting to avoid conflicts, it will only make things ten times worse because you will be acting like a person you aren't. Nice guys need to learn that in order to be honest(which most nice guys claim they are), they have to be assertive. All you need is an assertive guy which is a mix of aggressive and passive. There's no need to want to be abused because there's no need for that and the jerk stereotype is just as bad as the nice guy. Both are at the extreme of each end.


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Last edited by Homer_Bob on 01 Dec 2010, 11:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 11:41 am

Thing is, he'll disagree and stand up to other people.
Just not with me anymore, he just says he doesn't like to hurt me by disagreeing with me.

I just am really bad at explaining in person how I feel about things, I tend to just tell him I don't mind - when I just can't put what I really mean to him.



Homer_Bob
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01 Dec 2010, 11:49 am

emlion wrote:
Thing is, he'll disagree and stand up to other people.
Just not with me anymore, he just says he doesn't like to hurt me by disagreeing with me.

I just am really bad at explaining in person how I feel about things, I tend to just tell him I don't mind - when I just can't put what I really mean to him.


He needs to realize that by feeling that way, it makes him seem to want to isolate problems and put them on the back burner. How could you trust him if he isn't telling the truth? Nice guys can be just as deceiving as jerks, in different ways but the point is he needs to learn to have things out in the open. You also are acting no different then him by telling him you don't mind what he's doing because he'll only think it's okay to do it when you really don't like it. You aren't being honest either. Either you could end the problem now by telling him the truth and then move on or just procrastinate it and drag it which will lead to nothing but downhill.


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Last edited by Homer_Bob on 01 Dec 2010, 11:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 11:50 am

Yeah. I know I have to tell him how I feel.
I will, I think i'll just write it down first - spontanious conversation never goes well for me.



hyperlexian
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01 Dec 2010, 11:56 am

emlion wrote:
Moog wrote:
Metal_Man wrote:
Once again it is proven true that most women really do prefer jerks.


Emlion is only one woman, and one with a particular kind of history.

Have you spoke about this with a therapist, Emlion? Am I right in remembering that you were seeing one?


Yes, I do see one but I'm afraid to talk to her about it - she'll just think i'm stupid like everyone here has.

I don't want to feel this way - I want to feel like I deserve him to be nice to me - but I don't.
I don't deserve him to be this nice. I deserve someone who treats me bad.

the fact you don't think you deserve a nice man reinforces that you really need to talk to your therapist about this. people who are implying you are wrong to feel this way do not understand what happens with women who have a difficult history. i know you've mentioned some bad experiences before, and that leads to exactly what you are talking about.

i really understand this, because i've been in your shoes. i broke up with my husband 8 times before we got married. and he had to propose 3 times before i would agree to get married at all. i tried to push him away for lots of reasons, but a big one was that i didn't think i was worthy of someone who cared for me that much. i also figured if i acted badly enough he would eventually leave. but he won't. he is stuck to me no matter what.

i didn't get most of this stuff figured out until recently, and it took a lot of therapy (i'm still not really "fixed" but i'm better). i hope that you will try to resolve the issues that still haunt you, because your boyfriend may not keep trying and i would hate to see you lose him. you do deserve happiness.


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Last edited by hyperlexian on 01 Dec 2010, 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 11:59 am

he said he'll never give up in past when i've said some horrible things to him.
but, i know thats not realistic and he has his limit. i hope never to reach it.
he'll be home in an hour, today. then i'll tell him. i'm terrified i'm going to ruin this.



RICKY5
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01 Dec 2010, 12:03 pm

emlion wrote:
It's going to sound really bad but: he's just too nice now.
I like to be challenged and stood up to when i'm (unintentionally) being difficult. - How else am I suppose to know that i'm being that way?

Now he just tells me he 'understands' and it's 'okay'.
He used to tell me I was being unreasonable and things like that, and it helped - and I told him this and he says he doesn't like to say those things to me because I always used to look hurt - and maybe I am for a little, but then I think about it and realise he's right and I was being unreasonable.

I don't know how to tell him I can't stay in love with a person who always agrees with me and lets me do whatever I want.

What should I do?


You mean nice guys finish last?! ! Shocking!! ! [/sarcasm]