[edit] more I'M ruining our relationship, not him.

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emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 6:31 pm

I know I treat him badly. Which is my original point - he's far, FAR too good for me. He should definitely leave me and be with a girl who appreciates how lovely and sweet he is.

Some things in previous posts may be confusing and skewed from the truth, but I was getting more and more upset with myself and the situation so I might have disorted things a little? I don't know.

I'm just a little confused and emotionally-fucked at the minute. I may come back to this is the morning after i've cried myself out and slept.
Maybe I can make more sense then.

Sorry.



cmjust0
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01 Dec 2010, 6:48 pm

emlion wrote:
I know I treat him badly. Which is my original point - he's far, FAR too good for me. He should definitely leave me and be with a girl who appreciates how lovely and sweet he is.


What you said first was that you thought you were falling out of love with him.

Now you're saying HE should leave YOU because you because he doesn't deserve to be treated the way you're treating him -- and you even go so far as to throw in the idea of some other loverly girl he might end up with. Even thinking about him with another girl -- and being happier than when he was with you -- has to be painful.

Don't mistake it for altruism, though -- it's not. It's masochism. Which is to say...you're looking for punishment right now. You want him to hurt you as much as possible so that you won't have to feel so bad about what you've done.

Can you see that?

Quote:
Some things in previous posts may be confusing and skewed from the truth, but I was getting more and more upset with myself and the situation so I might have disorted things a little? I don't know.


How many people do you know who become *more* able to sugarcoat as they become more and more upset? I don't know any.. Indeed, most people I know -- including myself -- are exactly the opposite.

So...are you sure you weren't actually sliding closer and closer *toward* the truth as you got more and more upset?

emlion wrote:
I'm just a little confused and emotionally-f**** at the minute. I may come back to this is the morning after i've cried myself out and slept.
Maybe I can make more sense then.

Sorry.


Go. Cry. Sleep. But don't come back with the intention of making more sense, because there's a really good chance that making more sense just means you'll have rationalized a lot of irrational behavior to make yourself feel better.

In the long run, that's not going to help.

Look...if you want punishment -- and you do -- OWN all the bad things you've done. Don't minimize and rationalize them until they don't seem like such a big deal anymore...live with them for a while! Living with things like that will make you want to change, and when you change, you'll eventually find the strength to go back and forgive "the old you" for all the things she did.

:)



Last edited by cmjust0 on 01 Dec 2010, 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 6:51 pm

Do you think he'll stay with me?

I still need him.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 6:52 pm

Even if I don't deserve him.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 7:00 pm

I hate when I do this.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
I want to just accept that he loves me despite all the horrible things i've done to him and other people.
I can't - how can he possibly love me when i'm this?



cmjust0
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01 Dec 2010, 7:08 pm

To answer your question... He wants to stay, and he will, but if I'm right, it won't necessarily be for all the reasons you want him to. At the end, he'll only be staying because he loves you, and because the thought of what might become of you still puts him in knots.

That's not "pity," either -- it's devotion. You might not see it that way...you might even see him as "weak" right now because he's put up with so much without saying a word...but he's devoted to you, and I'd say it's taken more strength than you'll ever know to stand guard and watch over you while you thrash about carelessly.

Do you deserve that? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Clearly you don't think so. But intead of going around feeling unworthy and looking for ways to run him off, try feeling ***lucky*** for a change and see how fast that humbles you and makes you want to hit your knees to thank whatever cosmic forces you might believe in for giving you such a blessing.



emlion
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01 Dec 2010, 7:10 pm

i am very lucky he's still here.
he just keeps telling me to stop worrying and go to bed.
i don't know if can stop worrying, but i will go to bed.
i hope tomorrow looks better.

thank you for putting up with my useless rambling.



cmjust0
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01 Dec 2010, 7:13 pm

Go to bed. :)

It's not useless rambling. It's tired, emotionally draining, truthful rambling, and I think we'd all do well to do more of it. :wink:



Kilroy
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01 Dec 2010, 7:44 pm

look at all the hate from all the men here
all feeling personally attacked

if it doesn't work it doesn't work, trying to beat a dead horse won't help anyone
my guess he isn't your type
nothing wrong with that
not everyone is your type



nthach
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01 Dec 2010, 7:58 pm

emlion wrote:
i don't know if can stop worrying, but i will go to bed.
i hope tomorrow looks better.


I'll tell you this - being overanalytical about things is gonna do nothing but vex you out. I beat myself up and overanalyze things and it ends up stressing me out unnecessarily.

Take a nap, go out for a run, visit the local yoga studio, do whatever you need to take your mind off things. You'll thank me in the morning.



alex
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01 Dec 2010, 7:58 pm

emlion wrote:
For most people he'd be the perfect boyfriend the way he is - kind, generous, understanding, patient.


I don't think most girls want a boyfriend who is afraid to stand up for what he believes is right out of fear that the truth will hurt feelings.


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hale_bopp
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01 Dec 2010, 8:03 pm

alex wrote:
emlion wrote:
For most people he'd be the perfect boyfriend the way he is - kind, generous, understanding, patient.


I don't think most girls want a boyfriend who is afraid to stand up for what he believes is right out of fear that the truth will hurt feelings.


You can go the other way though, noone wants an arse who calls you out on things he shouldn't either.



Postures
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01 Dec 2010, 8:56 pm

emlion wrote:
He is a fantastic guy. Every other guy i've been with has been abusive - and I can't accept that this one isn't. It's just so alien to me.

Ugh. I don't know why i'm so screwed up in the head - why can't I just keep enjoying it instead of thinking he must have some other motive for being so nice to me all the time?


When I met my current partner, I felt something like this too at the beginning. It was a strange adjustment. With anyone else I had fallen for, I was very unstable and all over the place because none of these people cared about me. With my boyfriend though, I felt calm and content which alarmed me at first because it made me question my feelings. I was thinking that surely I don't love him if I'm not all over the place? But then I realised that for once, I was in a healthy relationship and I eventually relaxed. Now I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

The best solution is just to talk to him. Tell him what you told us.

Also, do tell your therapist, don't be afraid of what she'll think as it's unimportant, She's there to listen to you and help you.


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Quartz11
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01 Dec 2010, 9:01 pm

I guess when you're used to being treated like crap, you expect it to happen from every guy you're with. Now you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one, and it hasn't happened yet.

Before you was happy because he was great and wasn't an abusive jerk. But now you're not used to this, and need him to give you a little hell.

In conclusion: is it really wise to air your problems, it just seems an over-reaction in your mind. Or, you can take your need for abuse and have it granted in more productive means (I'll save that argument for the adults only section.)



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01 Dec 2010, 11:36 pm

OP, for the love of God, talk to your therapist about this. You are self-handicapping the hell out of yourself, and I hope you'll stop before you destroy this relationship.

Here's the deal: you were raised in a dysfunctional family, where abuse went hand-in-hand with caretaking. Your parents taught you that there is no love without pain. When your bf provides love without pain, it doesn't feel "authentic" to you - it doesn't feel real or right. You've been through a string of abusive relationships where your parents' original message of love and pain was reinforced. You keep expecting this guy to follow the same path, and when he doesn't, the dissonance created doesn't go unnoticed by your conscious or subconscious, and anxiety starts to build. You want to relieve the anxiety, and you turn to the dysfunctional methods of relieving stress and anxiety that you were taught as a child: fight, yell, scream....causing the storm to find the calm after.

Oh, and yes, you also don't believe you deserve happiness, a functional relationship, a nice guy, security, blah, blah, blah, because you were taught that you weren't worth that as a child. Good news: this is exactly the kind of stuff your therapist can help you with - and she will not judge you, or think that you're stupid. If she's a decent therapist, she already knows that you need to address this issue, and will be eager to help you with it. Go forth and heal, OP - you'll be glad you did.


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Erisad
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02 Dec 2010, 12:16 am

emlion wrote:
He is a fantastic guy. Every other guy i've been with has been abusive - and I can't accept that this one isn't. It's just so alien to me.

Ugh. I don't know why i'm so screwed up in the head - why can't I just keep enjoying it instead of thinking he must have some other motive for being so nice to me all the time?


Yeah, I have to adjust to this with my bf too. I love him dearly, I do. Please talk to him about this because I wouldn't risk losing something this good. >.<