The Marriage Question

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Does anyone else have trouble with cycles of guilt in their relationships that cause even more problems?

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have had the marriage discussion many times, and nothing ever comes of it. I have emotional outbursts, mess up and I'm left feeling so guilty and ashamed that we're "set back" for months and months.

I end up feeling like I'm a bad person, and distance myself from him. It's so hard for me to understand that he gets over it rather quickly, while I'm still timid and scared/unsure for weeks. Then he sees me being distant and gets worried. Then I misread his "worried" and think he's still angry. The cycle goes on and on.

The point of this is: He is unsure of me because of my erratic behavior - he also doesn't believe I have AS (undiagnosed) or even Generalized Anxiety (diagnosed). He doesn't believe that I will be able to act consistently in the future, and also doesn't see what difference the label of marriage makes.

My view is: I intellectually KNOW that the label of marriage doesn't change our relationship, but for me it feels unstable without it. I think I would be able to better handle our arguments if I had a symbol (like a ring) to remind me that he's been with me for a long time and loves me. Even though a lot of people might see a 6 year relationship as stable, I am getting increasingly frustrated and nervous because I've placed so much importance on this 'goal' that I'm not seeing our relationship for what it is...

Does this make sense to anyone?

It sounds like you two aren't even all that compatible with each other, sorry.

Getting married to make your relationship more stable is a bad reason to get married in my opinion. Your relationship should already be stable, and you should feel secure in its stability, before even thinking of getting married.

That doesn't stop you from still getting some sort of symbol to remind you of the relationship though. You don't need to be married in order to wear a ring.

When you say you have the marriage 'discussion', what exactly does that entail? If it's you wanting to get married and him trying to put it off, then these 'set backs' are quite convenient for him. After 6 years together, if you really want to get married, you're entitled to a definite yes or no answer from him, whatever his reasons, so you can weigh up your choices. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to feel strung along.

Intellectually be damned. Many people want to get married, and it does change the relationship; it makes it legal and a lot harder to walk away from it without lawyers.

But that's why it really shouldn't be just about a symbol. As my mum put it when I was moping because a friend of mine got engaged; 'if you want a ring, get him to buy you a ring. But for god's sake, don't get engaged!'.

You really shouldn't consider marrying this guy if you need a ring to reassure you he loves you. What happens once you have the ring and still have doubts? Will you have kids just to prove it even further to yourself? I completely understand that you feel unsure sometimes, but you're digging yourself into a trap going down this route.

This. Marriage does not make relationships more stable, it is just the next step in an already stable relationship. Honestly speaking, alot of women obsess over it as the ultimate goal, when it should just be the icing on the cake. From what it sounds like this situation is difficult because you are NOT where you need to be where you need with the relationship.

> I have emotional outbursts, mess up and I'm left feeling so guilty and ashamed that we're "set back" for months and months.

Have you tried to 'talk', I know it may be difficult, but sit with him, hold his ahnd, share with him the torment you put yourself through . . .if he is 'meant' foryou,he will try to understand, and ask for clarificatio . . .


> I end up feeling like I'm a bad person, and distance myself from him.


ask youself,try to understand for youself : why to you distance ? in what wayb does it help you

> It's so hard for me to understand that he gets over it rather quickly, while I'm still timid and scared/unsure for weeks.

Did ya ever ask him how he can do that ? maybe what you percieve to be a massiveproblem is notmore than just a 'situation' to him? Your " scaringly high cliff" is but a street curb to him, so to speak

> Then he sees me being distant and gets worried.

I would too if 'my girl' backed away (I'm presuming maybe he's NT?
- we crucify our selfs when the girls I love 'backs away . .
- What did I do wrong now
- do I love her enough to continue accepting this behavior
- maybe she'stired of me ?
- the list goes one and one
Tell ya what, if these 'back downs' have happeneda number of times and he's not left you, I read that as "he really does like you"

> Then I misread his "worried" and think he's still angry.

Stop 'misreadiing", ask him instead . .

As for 'marriage': it is a 'legal' process to capture and address property owned by both before and gathered during the marriage. ( children too).

It is the love and caring in the heart and soul that defines if two people should be together as one.

IMO anyone who believes Marriage doesn't change things is sadly mistaken. It changes a lot of things, the whole dynamic of the relationship is altered, neither party can simply walk away now, inlaws start taking you as more than a passing fancy etc etc.

It almost sounds like you want sympathy from him for your anxiety and AS, even though you haven't had the AS diagnosed, and he probably finds it all rather draining. I find a lot of people on these forums choose to label things, especially themselves as "I have AS, that's why ......"

I think you view marriage purely as an intellectual transaction because you've been together for 6 yrs, and that's "what people do"

I think if you make a concerted effort to address your issues, get the AS diagnosed and be open to ways to live with that and your anxiety, he may be more receptive to buying you that ring

I have diagnosed AS, but if I was content to wallow in my own self pity blaming the world, I wouldn't be married now, I'd still be sitting in a corner blaming the world for my woes.