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Katatonic
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17 Jan 2011, 9:14 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
Hi,
I know things were not great and the break up was probably the right thing to do, but I really struggle with the fact that he doesn't seem to even miss what we had. He always said he could just make a decision to move on and do it, but was also a very sensitive soul too.

If there are any other Aspie guys out there who think in a similar way, could you offer me a little insight into perhaps how your hearts work... I am really struggling to think that our time together means so little to him when I am falling apart.

Thanks friends

SurfMaggie xx


I have done this to a number of my ex's. The last one was with good reason. But yes...........Its like I get this split second decision to end the relationship and its done. I sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them. I think its driving my ex crazy because she literally stalks me....like she's trying to get something out of me and I just won't give her the satisfaction. When I say its done, its done. No pleasantries, no short Facebook messages to say hi, not even a wave hello. Its like they don't exist to me anymore. Can't explain it. I think part of me feels inadequate as a boyfriend so I end the relationship for her benefit? I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions.


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Meow101
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17 Jan 2011, 11:00 pm

I really have to stop reading this thread. It makes me cry.

~Kate


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18 Jan 2011, 12:07 am

I am a male aspie. Maggie I can help explain how a person can just "switch it off."

I can be described as seeing things very black and white, and when a situation is terribly upsetting to me, I obsess about how I was "wronged." During those few hours, I can not think about anything else, and I keep repeating the situation again and again in my head.

My brain gets overloaded because I am presented with a situation that makes me terribly unhappy, but I do not know how to solve the situation. A normal NT person can be eloquent in speech and explain to their beloved how they were terribly upset without sounding accusatory.

I'm terrible at telling people how I feel without sounding like I am placing full blame on the other party. So I shy away from confrontation and I do not vocalize my unhappiness. Because of this, I rarely complain about food or bad service. Instead, I just don't patronize that business anymore. In the same manner, I avoid a friend or a lover.

After a few weeks, months, or however long it takes for my memory to fade, I may return to the business or friend. During the absence, it is generally very painful -- if that is of any condolence.



Aspie1
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18 Jan 2011, 8:44 pm

CJame wrote:
I am a male aspie. Maggie I can help explain how a person can just "switch it off."

I can be described as seeing things very black and white, and when a situation is terribly upsetting to me, I obsess about how I was "wronged." During those few hours, I can not think about anything else, and I keep repeating the situation again and again in my head.

CJame put it pretty nicely, and it's kind of like that for me. When a girl breaks up with me, the sole act of breaking up is enough to make lose feelings for her. Ironically, I don't usually blame the girl for dumping me, since I'm not a ladies' man to begin with. But the sole fact that chooses to break up with me, unless it was truly my fault, is what makes any feelings I had for her switch off completely. She becomes just another good person I knew in the past, much like friends from the past who grew apart.

I suppose it's like that because I didn't have a girlfriend in high school. When you don't have a genuine love/dating/relationship experience in your teenage years, before you get older and lose your your sense of wonder, your brain simply never learns to have that spark/chemistry/spiritual feeling toward a romantic partner. (That's far more likely to be true for aspies, who have to learn intellectually what NTs learn intuitively.) Everyone becomes increasingly practical as they get older, includes toward dating, and that's normal. So, when your first dating experience happens at 23, rather than at 13, you don't carry over those "teenager in love" feelings into adulthood, because you never experienced them in the first place. Instead, a highly practical mindset sets in: "Why should I like someone if that person doesn't like me back?".



happymusic
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18 Jan 2011, 9:15 pm

I'm a woman but I have the same sort of personality trait you describe in your OP about your ex. When a relationship's over I can just be done with it and not really worry over it at all. Like there is nothing, I'm just normal me again. My potential to be that way really seems strange to my husband (and former SOs), but it's not malicious at all on my part. Some relationships are shorter than others and since there's always a distance between me and others, it's like the other person just went away - like out of sight out of mind. I enjoyed them while they lasted. Sometimes I wonder if maybe my emotions just don't get very deep. I feel like a robot. My ideas of compassion are intellectual. I think others feel it emotionally, but I just don't have that.

Hope this helps. It sucks to be sad.



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19 Jan 2011, 5:10 pm

CJame wrote:
I am a male aspie. Maggie I can help explain how a person can just "switch it off."
I can be described as seeing things very black and white, and when a situation is terribly upsetting to me, I obsess about how I was "wronged." During those few hours, I can not think about anything else, and I keep repeating the situation again and again in my head.

My brain gets overloaded because I am presented with a situation that makes me terribly unhappy, but I do not know how to solve the situation. A normal NT person can be eloquent in speech and explain to their beloved how they were terribly upset without sounding accusatory.
...


Yep, I can confirm this. I just can't handle such situations in appropriate way.

It means not much options for me:

1. To spend time (weeks!) thinking about the situation trying to handle it with no success, which would lead to depression and can totally ruin relationship and affect many other aspects of life, for example, you can loose job, as will not be able to think about anything else, get any things done, pay bills, etc. You end up with shitload of situations you can't handle.

2. Try to "forget" about this situation for some time, be normal, pretend nothing happened at all.

It doesn't mean I don't feel pain or don't miss my ex. I just hide it deep inside. It is the only way to keep life under control and possibly sort it out when I feel stronger.



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20 Jan 2011, 12:50 pm

Katatonic wrote:
I have done this to a number of my ex's. The last one was with good reason. But yes...........Its like I get this split second decision to end the relationship and its done. I sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them. I think its driving my ex crazy because she literally stalks me....like she's trying to get something out of me and I just won't give her the satisfaction. When I say its done, its done. No pleasantries, no short Facebook messages to say hi, not even a wave hello. Its like they don't exist to me anymore. Can't explain it. I think part of me feels inadequate as a boyfriend so I end the relationship for her benefit? I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions.


Split second decision . . . and it's done, eh. This means that the idea is coming right from your amygdala and not being processed in your pre-frontal cortex. In other words, you're not thinking.

No pleasantries . . . they don't exist to me anymore. Did your mother not teach you the golden rule (do onto others as they would do onto you)? You should be ashamed of yourself. No wonder why she's stalking you and I don't blame her. Give her a break and throw her a bone.

I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions. Once again, think about it. If you dig deep, you can find the answers. Unfortunately, the answers are probably very scary and you block them out to protect yourself.

Yes, there is some criticism here on my part, but there does seem to be some lack of responsibility from you too. Take some responsibility and I'll stop being so critical.



MidlifeAspie
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20 Jan 2011, 1:16 pm

TheWeirdPig wrote:
Katatonic wrote:
I have done this to a number of my ex's. The last one was with good reason. But yes...........Its like I get this split second decision to end the relationship and its done. I sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them. I think its driving my ex crazy because she literally stalks me....like she's trying to get something out of me and I just won't give her the satisfaction. When I say its done, its done. No pleasantries, no short Facebook messages to say hi, not even a wave hello. Its like they don't exist to me anymore. Can't explain it. I think part of me feels inadequate as a boyfriend so I end the relationship for her benefit? I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions.


Split second decision . . . and it's done, eh. This means that the idea is coming right from your amygdala and not being processed in your pre-frontal cortex. In other words, you're not thinking.

No pleasantries . . . they don't exist to me anymore. Did your mother not teach you the golden rule (do onto others as they would do onto you)? You should be ashamed of yourself. No wonder why she's stalking you and I don't blame her. Give her a break and throw her a bone.

I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions. Once again, think about it. If you dig deep, you can find the answers. Unfortunately, the answers are probably very scary and you block them out to protect yourself.

Yes, there is some criticism here on my part, but there does seem to be some lack of responsibility from you too. Take some responsibility and I'll stop being so critical.


The OP asked for an explanation of the behavior and many of us were happy to comply. Who are you to come into this conversation and start judging everyone?



stormwarden
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20 Jan 2011, 4:30 pm

Grisha wrote:
After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

Kind of like "Edward Scissorhands"


:D
I will always think of this quote when Aspie and I face the occasional tough times.
Thanks Grisha...put's it into perspective perfectly.

xxx



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20 Jan 2011, 5:33 pm

stormwarden wrote:
Grisha wrote:
After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

Kind of like "Edward Scissorhands"


:D
I will always think of this quote when Aspie and I face the occasional tough times.
Thanks Grisha...put's it into perspective perfectly.

xxx


Wow, yeah, Grisha nailed it. Thanks for quoting this stormwarden, I must have missed it the first time.



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20 Jan 2011, 11:24 pm

OP, you may want to take a look at this thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt149302.html

I'm not sure that Asperger's is your ex's only issue. I wish you peace.


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TheWeirdPig
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21 Jan 2011, 11:48 am

MidlifeAspie wrote:
TheWeirdPig wrote:
Katatonic wrote:
I have done this to a number of my ex's. The last one was with good reason. But yes...........Its like I get this split second decision to end the relationship and its done. I sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them. I think its driving my ex crazy because she literally stalks me....like she's trying to get something out of me and I just won't give her the satisfaction. When I say its done, its done. No pleasantries, no short Facebook messages to say hi, not even a wave hello. Its like they don't exist to me anymore. Can't explain it. I think part of me feels inadequate as a boyfriend so I end the relationship for her benefit? I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions.


Split second decision . . . and it's done, eh. This means that the idea is coming right from your amygdala and not being processed in your pre-frontal cortex. In other words, you're not thinking.

No pleasantries . . . they don't exist to me anymore. Did your mother not teach you the golden rule (do onto others as they would do onto you)? You should be ashamed of yourself. No wonder why she's stalking you and I don't blame her. Give her a break and throw her a bone.

I honestly don't know the reasons behind my actions. Once again, think about it. If you dig deep, you can find the answers. Unfortunately, the answers are probably very scary and you block them out to protect yourself.

Yes, there is some criticism here on my part, but there does seem to be some lack of responsibility from you too. Take some responsibility and I'll stop being so critical.


The OP asked for an explanation of the behavior and many of us were happy to comply. Who are you to come into this conversation and start judging everyone?


I'm sorry. I forget how sensitive people are on both sides of this issue. I was a bit harsh.

I want people who cut off contact to understand what it does to the other person.

Maybe there is a irony and a paradox here. You may need to have contact with the other person in order for him or her to understand why you want to be left alone. You might need to understand why they are confused. It's kinda like a Chinese finger puzzle. You have to come together before you can break apart.



SurfMaggie
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22 Jan 2011, 1:24 pm

Hi,

I've been quiet fo a while but I've been reading all your posts, so thank you. There have been some really interesting discussions and this is obviously an emotive issue, particularly for those who have been on the receiving end of it.

I there have been some very eloquent explanations ... thank you so much for this one, Grisha... It has helped many people...

"After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

Kind of like "Edward Scissorhands" "


It is obvious that there are lots of different reasons that people "cut off contact"... self preservation, inability to deal with the emotions, having a very logical view of relationships etc etc and all those explanations have helped me to understand my Ex-Aspie. I think that for us there was a combination of reasons and I am coming to terms with it now.

I truely feel for those that this has happened to: it is extremely difficult to cope with the end of a relationship when you have no reason given or no opportunity to say good-bye. But I know that it gets better with time. You have to think that they were obviously not the one for you (or you not the one for them) and maybe ending this way gives you the opportunity to move on and have a fresh start. That is exactly what I am doing...

Take care

Maggie xx



Mindslave
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22 Jan 2011, 2:20 pm

Sorry for saying this, but the title of the thread always cracks me up. It's just so dry and deadpan, and it amuses me.



SurfMaggie
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22 Jan 2011, 2:50 pm

Well, you are reading the thread so it has served it's purpose :P

Maggie xx



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22 Jan 2011, 3:14 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:

I truely feel for those that this has happened to: it is extremely difficult to cope with the end of a relationship when you have no reason given or no opportunity to say good-bye. But I know that it gets better with time. You have to think that they were obviously not the one for you (or you not the one for them) and maybe ending this way gives you the opportunity to move on and have a fresh start. That is exactly what I am doing...



It is pretty possible there is some obvious reason and you discussed it many times. And the real reason of break up is that you don't see it yourself and you ex gave up attempts to explain. If you want to understand, try to recall issues and hard situations you had earlier even if you don't find it important, maybe something similar happened again.