Break-up: Aspie style!!

Post Reply New Topic

Maggie,


You appear to be a soulful, sweet person. If your ex - your fiancee - broke up with you via email - then it appears that he is a cold-hearted bastard who is a wimp and a coward. Couldn't he even show you even respect to tell you in person? You are much better off without him! In my opinion, no man of any substance who truly loved you in the first place would do that to you!

Leslie



Leslie

SurfMaggie,
I completely agree with this post. I don't think that your fiance turned off his feelings for you. Cutting you off is a defense mechanism and I imagine he is sad and that he really did love you but he needs to do this in order to keep some kind of order in his life or he might completely fall apart. I know how you are feeling because my x boyfriend did something very similar except that when we broke up he was able to articulate to me why he was not going to continue talking to me. He was able to identify the fact that he was feeling rejected and that ever since he only thinks of me in the way of being a girl who rejected him. He said he can't focus on the many good times that we had or the love that we shared and he constantly replays this one particular conversation over and over in his head and he can't move past that. At first I was really hurt and confused by the fact that he would only be able to remember this one uncomfortable conversation that we had but as time went on I had to understand and accept that he and I do not process information the same way and that he is more than likely never going to contact me again. I had plenty of clues along the way that if I ever did anything to upset him he would react this way because he had shared stories with me about people he was no longer in contact with that had hurt him in some way (both romantic and platonic) and how he just erased them from his life. When he told me these stories there was always a sense of deep pain that I picked up on and even though I don't think he always gave me a clear picture of what really went on (I am not even sure he had a clear picture, just an understanding that someone had wronged him ) I know that although it had been years later he was still in pain over these incidents but he would act like it did not bother him at all. I guess the reason I am writing this is because I know how you feel. Your fiance did/ does love you and he did not just turn his feelings off like a faucet but he has to do whatever it takes to save himself from falling apart and maybe cutting off all communication is what he has to do in order to survive.

This seems very hard for us men to get. We seem to get mixed messages. Are we to be strong and stoic, or we to emotional and vulnerable?

Every time I hear a woman call a guy hot, I face a feeling of inferiority. I know I'm not the only man who feels this way. We feel we can only be vulnerable only when we are gracefully riding a white horse. And when we do show vulnerability, it better not be one ounce more than the required amount. And here's the kicker: we're not getting these expectations for strength and stoicism from zealous fathers or coaches as much as we're getting them from women.

Now before this becomes a who has it harder, men or women thread, I want to point out that women are also given high and impossible to meet expectations. Women are expected to be it all: successful career, perfect wife and mother, member of the PTA, etc. Not only that, women are expected to have the a strong and successful husband. But at the end of the day in private, with the reality of all the pressures women face in their daily lives, they really need a vulnerable man.

I am in no way envious of what women have.

I know this isn't on the topic originally posted, but it could be related. The shame of not being able to meet these expectations may be a possible reason why someone may just want out of these relationships.

I would like to jump in here again and clarify some of my original comments after further thought. You are hitting pretty close to home with this statement. By "turning off" emotions as a defense mechanism it isn't that we stop feeling them, we just completely stop thinking about them - in such a way that to the outside world or to our uppermost level of consciousness we might as well have "turned them off". We put them away in a box in our mind, close the lid and pack it away in the attic. This is a learned skill from a lifetime spent in anticipation of social interactions that never materialize, are inflated in our own minds to be something more than they really were, or were destroyed by our personal inability to respond appropriately. It is a coping mechanism required to maintain the horizon.

Yes, I do believe that if the individual wanted to he (or she) could open that box up again, but at this point it is labeled "PAIN" so there is not a lot of motivation to do so.

My personal experiences with this technique have applied to people who I thought were friends when I was younger and to most of my family. I actually spent a year trying to be friends with my ex-wife until she informed me one day that her talking to me was making her new boyfriend cry. I asked her if she really wanted to throw away a 10 year friendship for some guy she just started dating and she emphatically answered yes. That friendship was packed up into a box, locked up and tossed in the back of the attic. Two years later that relationship was over and she wanted to be friends again and even wanted to befriend my new wife. I of course declined and she became very upset and didn't understand my response. Some of you NTs will likely side with her feelings and some of you Aspies will likely side with mine. All I can say is that she never crosses my mind now. Not ever. I think that I live a more fulfilling life and have a stronger relationship with my wife and child by discarding baggage from my past instead of inviting the continued participation of previous failures.

Whoa, verbal spat between fairly respected members who should've known better. Who would've thunk it.

I think this is what is starting to come to the forefront here: fear. A person shuts down not because he will get hurt (I say he and him here only to be consistent--I know it happens with both genders). He shuts down because of the possibility that he might get hurt. The problem is the void in the perception between actually getting hurt and the possibility that he might get hurt. He is so afraid of being hurt that his ability to make a good judgment becomes impaired. This is why the relationship ends. Add to that the shame of not being able to make a good judgment, the person shuts down and closes off. He doesn't want to face the possibility that he might have used poor judgment when he realizes that he misperceived the actual threat of being hurt.

Getting hurt may mean several things to him. It could mean the fear of rejection. It could be the fear of landing in an unproductive relationship where no one is happy. It may be the fear that the other person will not be happy over the long run when he can't live up to what she or society expects a good partner to be. He feels like he will never really make her happy and is ashamed of causing her unhappiness.



Once again, I think it's important to say that this happens to both NTs and Aspies, men and women, Aspies to Aspies, NTs to NTs. Whether or not some sides with you probably has nothing to do with AS or NT.

Which is why I intentionally used the word "some" on both sides.

Oops, I didn't realize that's what you meant.

Dude you and me are on the same wave length!

I'm quite knew to the conversation so I can only iterate a statement, um well I'm an Aspergian male. all I can say is if it felt right then, it probably was, I mean.

If most Aspies are empathy-deficient, then I must be the latter! I'm full of feelings and the like, but sometimes I wish I could be heartless, its most likely just my area, but some of the women I've come into contact with over the recent years, just need a good....I'm not gonna finish that sentence.

*************I disagree. I'm not like that. It's not an aspie thing. It's not in the criteria, it's not something we all do. It's hurtful behavior SOME of us allow ourselves to indulge in because we can't handle ending a relationship in a non-hurtful way.

I'm not saying that nothing I do ever hurts anyone. Nobody is perfect. But PLEASE don't say "it's an aspie thing" when it's not. I can't express emotions well, I can't advocate for myself in relationships well and sometimes I end up saying and doing things that aren't exactly the best either. BUT, I don't try to defend them and say they're okay.

~Kate

I disagree that my exes were hurt by the way I broke off the relationship but honestly, if the abusive alcoholic or the habitual cheater felt all owie inside because I dumped them and didn't pretend to be their friend afterward, maybe they should feel bad.

If this behavior has to belong to one group or another - which was the context of the debate at the moment you quoted MidlifeAspie - I would agree that it would sooner be "an aspie thing" than "a guy thing". However you're closer to correct that it's "a some people thing" more than it would belong to any particular condition or gender.

I agree.

I think we can all agree with that

Maggie....you did that thing that we women do occasionally: you didn't believe what your guy told you about his behavior. IMO, it seems to be a thing that women do more frequently than men....just kind of ignore the parts of our mates that don't suit us. Another flavor of denial, unfortunately.

It really doesn't seem like the issue is whether he still feels something for you (you said earlier that he was clearly still upset by people he'd cut off contact with in the past)....instead, it seems the issue is your shock at how steadfast he is in his decision not to speak to you. I think part of the whole denial thing is really just believing that the rules he lives by somehow won't apply to you. Unfortunately, they typically do (and yes, I've learned that lesson the hard way).

But cutting off all contact with those who have seriously disappointed him is a coping device he's used for quite a while - and one he's not likely to abandon. It's a shame, because it seems like refusing to speak with these people hasn't exactly allowed him to resolve his feelings for them (hence the continued pain they cause him). And without that resolution, there is no chance to fully learn the lessons of those relationships - to mature. But cutting off contact is what gets him through Maggie: a short-term solution that's ultimately self-handicapping in the long run. He's not going to walk away from a strategy that "works" - too bad.

I dunno if love can be turned off voluntarily, but sometimes, love means letting someone go, instead of keeping them around for selfish reasons (i.e. I want you in my life mainly because I need a french kiss sometimes, not just because I like you as a person) So maybe he decided that keeping you around will only hurt more in the long run. Of course, I don't know the details, and I don't know this guy personally, so I can't say what his reasons are. I loved this girl, and I still do, which is why I don't talk to her anymore. She said that's what she wanted, and she said it in a respectful manner (which is sometimes hard for her) and we haven't talked since. It's because we love each other.

This has obviously been an emotive subject for a lot of people, but it has helped me to understand my situation a little better.

I actually cut my ex-husband out of my life, but that was because of his addiction problems and because he had financially ruined me. I'm sure he felt a bit "owie" but I had no choice, emotionally and practically. As for my recent ex, I know there were some things in our relationship that he struggled to cope with, and in the end I suppose his self-preservation instincts kicked in, just as mine did all those years ago. I'm just very sad that we couln't work it out.

However, there is one thing to be said for this type of break-up - at least it spared me the emotional/hurtful/painful break-up session, where we both might have said things that we regret. This way I have been able to lick my wounds and move on, with good relationship memories intact. It leaves some un-answered questions, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm looking at my life, and myself and changing what I want to change, not what my ex thought was wrong with me.

I hope other people, who have had their hearts broken in the same way, can do the same.

Maggie xx