Break-up: Aspie style!!

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No, he's an aspie too. I'm all ears.

~Kate

Digging up the old reply. I need to see what we are dealing with here.

Ok - I've read it. I think this guy has some serious problem (not aspergers) if he can't keep a relationship simply because you shared an aspect of your past with him. (That you had been in an abusive relationship). Just let him go, Don't bother contacting him.

I know its easier said than done, but no contact does work, even if it takes a while.

I don't think that real love is something that you can just switch off overnight. When you love someone, your world changes and when they are not there anymore, you lie awake at five to four in the morning, unable to sleep because they have not kissed you goodnight and snuggled in behind you. I can understand the need for distance, if the break-up hurts a lot, but I don't understand how the feelings disappear at the flick of a switch; surely that can't be real love?

Maggie x

I really don't get this, and I have AS. I find myself *wishing* I could switch it off. I would be so much less miserable if I could.

~Kate

You can't switch off love. The most you can do is put up a wall and block your feelings out. Some find it easier than others. Either way, this guy isn't worth it.

Maybe we can learn from each other about how to do the perfect break-up: maybe us NTs can learn about making reasoned decisions about unhealthy relationships, and moving on to better things in life, be that as a confident, fulfilled single, or with someone new who we can fall in love with. Also maybe our Aspie friends can learn how the absolute cut-off and exclusion of an ex, without warning can seriously undermine the good times you had together, and will make the ex-partner feel totally expendable and meaningless.

I am going to try to move on and fill my new single life with brilliant things - and I hope all my newly single friends can do the same. Then who knows... Mr or Miss Right will come along and see us shining, and will want to be the one to kiss us good night.

Take care

Maggie xx

This is what I would like those who do this to know. The two times in my life this has happened to me, once with a best friend and once with a romantic partner, it was devastating to me beyond what I can even express verbally. Words don't do it and when I try I just come up with a blank (doesn't help that I'm an Aspie).



I am so glad that you can do that more easily than I. I wish you the best and would give my right arm to be able to do what you're doing. I am having trouble letting go, but still hope I can soon.

~Kate

Aspies, by definition, have a very difficult time understanding other people's emotions. We are empathy-deficient. What is being described is a defense mechanism, not an intentional slight on your memories.

something along the line of "snake"

she did not like me. I never figured out why.

I recognize it's not a deliberate slight...that much I get, being an Aspie myself. I do lots of things ppl think are slights and are not. What is it a defense mechanism for? Seriously, I'm not trying to put y'all on the spot. I really want to know. Why do you cut off all ties like that? How is it better than explaining what happened in a matter of fact way?

Seriously, I'd rather hear, "I broke up with you because IMO your boobs are too small (or whatever it might have been)" than go through the literally thousands of scenarios that have tortured me in the last five months. What I want to know from the Aspie guys is what's in your minds....how could y'all think otherwise?

~Kate

Kind of a ramble here.

Regardless of NT or AS status, men and women think very differently. What AS women often don't understand is what it was like growing up as an AS male compared to an AS female. Women cope better, they fit in better and they are not bullied in the same fashion. Being bullied is a very routine part of growing up as an AS male, and it colors who we grow up to be. Several experts on the subject have suggested that it is the entire cause for the routinely co-morbid anxiety disorders in adult AS males. This experience, and the anxieties bred from it, have a tendency to make many of us very protective of ourselves and we develop the ability to shut off certain emotions when required. If we never learned how to do so we would not be successful and high-functioning members of society today. I have spoken to many of the lower functioning members who frequent these boards who do not have this ability and I believe it contributes to their enhanced challenges in succeeding in an NT world.

And before I am jumped on by a bunch of angry folks who disagree with me, I am only stating my own personal experience and that gleaned from other members I have interacted with on WP combined with several books I have read on the subject. Not everyone does this, but many of us do.

Just a comment: PLEASE DON'T interpret this post as another whiny "AS girls have it easier" thread.

It is insightful and well-supported and definitely reflects my experience as an Aspie male and the way I have learned to view relationships.

I'd really like to see where it goes, please don't start a flame war...

Thanks Grisha

Anyone who knows me on here knows this is the first time I have ever weighed in on this subject so it is certainly not in my MO to begin such a thread. There are several members here who can attest to the fact that I spend a lot of time trying to shut down such things.

But isn't it a large part of a relationship to put yourself out there and let your defences down to get close to that special person? I had to put up my defenses when
I left my abusive ex but when there aren't such severe problems in a relationship then let the other person in - they want to get close to you, and shouldn't become the enemy even in the face of a break down. It is entirely possible that they still care very deeply for you and cherish the time you had together. I know that's how I feel...

That could explain why more AS males tend to do this than AS females. It does make a little sense in that context. However, girls with AS do get bullied, and we also react differently from NTs to this kind of breakup. Whereas I could easily see one of my NT cousins even slapping a guy for telling her the reason for a breakup was "your boobs are too small IMO" (pulling something out of thin air), I would not, and I would just kind of go "O...kay...whatever floats/doesn't float your boat". I'd (by several orders of magnitude) rather hear something like that than go through the thousands of other things about myself that it COULD be when I'm not told.

I'm not going to say who has it "easier" because I'm not interested in a competition. I think those threads are stupid.

I can understand what you're saying, but why assume everyone is going to react the same way to what you have to say? Especially a fellow Aspie?

~Kate

Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.