Break-up: Aspie style!!

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My own recent experience basically went as such.

The Relationship was primarily instigated by her, we were just FOB's, but due to my requirement that she alert me if she began having sex with another party, and that in so doing our sexual relations would cease, she opted instead to push it into the stage of "Relationship"... seeing as we had already been friends for a while.. and had already basically skipped the whole "Dating" thing we just moved on to being a monogamous couple. After a while, she began dropping ideas that she was very interested in this, liked the arrangement, and was considering it becoming a permanent thing. I was okay with this, if hesitant, and said I'd like to give it a year before I got married. well, that was supposedly okay, we spent a TON of time together, spent time with each others families, and basically everyone we came across would ask us, not, how long have you been dating, but how long have you been married. Everything seemed to be working fine. Then, all of a sudden, everything changed. Suddenly we had 'Moved to fast' and I had "issued ultimatums" and blah blah blah.. really what I feel it was, is that a guy who she had had a crush on, suddenly became single, and she felt she deserved the opportunity to be with him.. so instead of cheating on me.. which bizarrely I could forgive since... well.. that would have simply been impulsive.. she continued seeing me for a few more weeks and nitpicking in order to work up the nerve to back out of the relationship.. which she wanted in the first place... but that I had long since become used to the idea and had really begun to deeply care about her, and dare say, had fallen in love with her, effectively making the breakup pre-meditated.

Her attitude became one of business as usual, not understanding why I wouldn't just go back to being friends, why I was the one being mean, why I was the one making things difficult. I tried explaining to her that, she said things which meant something. When you tell a person that "I'm going to marry you because you make me feel safe and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and " I don't care if you're my last partner never, I love you and want to be with you" and "We will be together forever" etc.. the other person, by god, may just believe you.. and then feel betrayed when you suddenly and without warning, run off to go be with some one else.. I of course completely lost my crackers and screamed at her on the telephone about how I wanted horrible things to happen to her and that I never wanted to see her again, I did that not because I really want anything bad to happen to her, but simply because after her instigating the relationship, and her choosing to end it, she didn't even seem upset about it.. she was only upset that I wouldn't give her some of her stuff back. So needless to say, I said what I said precisely because I knew it would elicit a response, and I'd rather have her be pissed off and fuming at me then me being the only one being miserable. After that, I broke off all contact with her, even going so far as to divest myself of some mutual friends who refused to take my side.

Afterwards I basically quit bathing, quit eating, quit shaving, and if it hadn't have been for my mom forcing me to do it, would have quit school too. All I wanted to do was to crawl inside of a bottle and die, that or self harm. But ANY contact with her felt so repulsive, I even went back through years of Facebook and deleted everything she had posted on my wall, any photos we were both in, anything I had posted that she "liked" and any reference to her. as it is now, it's as if me and her had never even met. That's the only hope that in time I can most past her. She simply has to cease existing.

I still feel right to be angry about it though, as if it had been left up to me, we never would have started having sex in the first place, and would have simply been just friends. But when you're drinking, and she's drinking, and you've gotten a certain level of sexual tension built up things happen. And we felt we were going about it in an adult manner. The problem is of course, she wasn't nearly as adult in her philosophy as she wanted people to think.

rabbitts kind of nails it for me too.

If I have to end things with someone, I am probably just going to break off contact and sort out my feelings later. Once it's cleared up, I communicate them with her. I hate, absolutely hate getting horribly mean with people. I have to stop things in their tracks if I feel a meltdown coming on. I walk away and may communicate in text message that I don't mean to be rude, but apologize if that is how she felt. The reason I simply cut off contact with people is simple: I am too afraid of saying something hurtful or mean because I know I will likely mean what it is I say to the other person. I even got pretty harsh in an extreme way in the past with one person. That particular meltdown still haunts me to this day. I strive to avoid dealing with a breakup in that manner again. The last breakup of some kind, I actually had to go pick something up from her house. I got the item from her and left ten seconds later without saying a word. This was rude yes, but I knew I was overwhelmed and having a meltdown. Best for me to leave without saying anything because I know I won't have anything good to say.

Hi,

I have been dating this guy since the 31'st of December, 2012. I am 42, he is 50 years old. He has no university degree, is unemployed since 40 and basically lives on the money his parents give him. I am a strong, intelligent working woman with a career and reasonable social status. I have high living standards. I feel I have achieved everything in life academically, professionally and socially. I am in saturation mode. All that was missing in my life was a turbulent relationship with some eccentric man and by him walking into my life, everything seemed complete. (I get bored with normal men, previously dated a manic depressive guy for 5 years, got wed to a schizophrenic for 3 years and had a long distance relationship with a trustworthy schizoid for 9 years.) I was single -with no sex- since 2 years leading a balanced, rewarding but absolutely boring social and business life.

This man literally picked me up from a outdoor equipment store. He was so assertive. We exchanged phone numbers. He persuaded me to have a cup of coffee with him on my way home although I acknowledged him I had no time. I neither liked his appearance nor the stories he shared with me which always involved him bullying innocent/normal people and getting what he wanted at the end thanks to his macho stoic approach. By putting on such agressive shows, he was also convinced that the female spectators of these episodes all wanted to go to bed with him. He called me three times that night telling me I am the love of his life for 2013. Needless to say I was repelled by his classic playboy tactics and weirdness. He requested that I send him a friendship request that night which I did. The next few days I did not bother answering any of his calls. After studying his profile on FB, I had decided that he is not my piece of cake and had to run away from the "psychopathic loser". However, he kept insisting and bugging me with his constant calls. I decided to meet him one last time at a cafe to give it a final blow in a polite manner.

He had come to the classroom his homework done. He knew the prominent schools I graduated from and my personal successes. He was polite with me. We even had a common connection. His cousine was one of my best friends from highschool. He dialled her and I listened to her putting in a word for the guy calling him funny, witty, naiive and altruistic. She wished us both happiness in our relationship. Thanks to her positive remarks I softened up a bit and decided to give him another chance. He, coming from the same family could not have been a shallow idiot I assumed. In our next date, I had seen some kind of light in his eyes which I could not decribe exactly what. I decided at that moment to erase all my prejudices and to go with the flow.

His sole topic of interest had been sex from the very beginning. He admitted he sees sex everywhere, in my rings, shawl, jacket, sweater, belt... I was getting really annoyed. He was saying he is the best man ever in this field. He is 2 out of 1000; so unique. Since FB and on-line dating sites were established, he can get any woman he wanted. He is famous for his bed performance. He is doing women a big favour by sleeping with them. They all cry at the end and thank him. He is world wide famous, Paris, Tokyo, NY, London like the airlines would announce flights. Among thousands and thousands of free vaginas, I was so lucky that he chose mine. He said everbody envies him, all woman are crazy for him. He was abandoned by many because none of them was able to suffice his needs alone. He told me he was a misogynist too and can not trust women. He believed "women are wooden logs feeding the fire of hell". He was stalking me, spilling his sexual innuendo at any time of the day on the phone. I was diverting his attention to other subjects about which he was able to mumble a comment or two which at that time I had interpreted as poisonous fruits of his warped logic but make full sense now as I got used to how his brain worked. Strangely, my sexual desire for him was there despite all this psychobabble.

I did not sleep with him even on our tenth date. I can't sleep with a man I don't trust just out of attraction. He was also for unprotected sex. He was unable to control his high pitch animalistic sounds and obscene langauage when he was aroused. I am living in an apartment building with poor isolation. I definitely did not want my neighbors to listen to my wild private life.

After that day he dropped the subject of sex -Thank God because I was feeling nausea whenever he brought it up; it was sufficient to hug and kiss only- but became interested in my life and character. His ever growing curiosity was suffocating me. He started to interfere with my daily routines and asked for my undivided attention no matter what I was doing at work. He tried to rule my social life, relationships with colleagues, my daily decisions, programs, plans, acts, deeds everything. He was presenting himself as the omnipotent, omnivolent God-like creature. We started quarreling every day. He called me lazy. PROJECTION. I was from the wrong planet. PROJECTION. I sucked in multi-tasking. PROJECTION. I should stop looking at the sky and pay attention to what is happening in my surroundings. PROJECTION. I should not trust anybody but myself. PROJECTION. Everybody was out to get me. PROJECTION. I was flirting with men behind his back. PROJECTION. All my male friends wanted to go to bed with me. PROJECTION. I was stupid, naiive and had very bad short memory. PROJECTION. I had to grow up. PROJECTION.

We had incredibly good moments for 40%, the remaining was a total hell for me. I started walking on egg shells. I always wanted to calm him by telling various stories, making him laugh, trying to prove that things are not as bad in life as he visualizes. He was running hot and cold and and I never knew what will come next. He was telling me to be a strong woman and generate testicles. He was telling me no matter what he does with other women, I should not be bothered with his affairs as long as I remain as his significant other. Meltdowns, meltdowns, meltdowns lurking around every corner coming out of nowhere. I got anxious, started having those fight or flight urges, my appetite deteriorated, my data processing slowed down, I resumed smoking after five years, started drinking every night, involuntarily losing weight and getting sleepless nights. My performance at work decreased. I did not feel like seeing my girlfriends any more who did not understand why I was letting him do these awful things to me. I also socialized less. He became my whole world. In the meantime, he was helping me with my car, took care of its maintenance. Fixing here and there in my apartment. He helped me with a real estate purchase. While doing all these favours, he was so rude, always deriding my self-esteem and mansplaining me. Why did I tolerate all this negative behaviour? I loved the fact that he was confiding in me. I loved the way he hugged and smiled at me. I loved his possessiveness and childish clingyness. I loved our intellectual debates. At that time, another common connection from FB informed me that he is indeed a promiscuous sex maniac who would not miss a female fly and known in the neighborhood for his pervertness. I heard he is mostly with women his age or older and of lower physical aspects and financial income. I was not fitting into any of these criteria. I started seeing a female psychologist who diagnosed him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and advised me to leave him. So I did. By the end of April. It was a total relief. He called me 23 times in three consecutive days and I answered none of his calls. Although I missed him very badly, I sticked to the "no contact" rule.

Afterwards, I started researching NPD and clearly saw that he could not be a narcissist with his child-like behaviours, naiivety, his brutal honesty, his abhorrance of social and moral rules, his ticks, his shaking limbs, poor eye coordination, OCD, his willingness to help everybody, problems reading body language, poor eye contact, motor clumsiness and the determination to talk at me without noticing I got bored. I contacted a male psychiatrist who congragulated me for the right diagnosis. He wanted to see his picture and confirmed his Aspergers by looking at his eyes only. The psychiatrist emphathized more with him than myself as his patient! He told me Aspies are are very precious, highly sensitive souls with high IQs and different way of looking at things. He told me he definitely lost his trust in me but he would forever be in my life, on and off, like a friend because no other woman of my calibre could have put up with him for so long without sex. And he was right. He initiated contact 21 days later. He was indeed visiting me for friendly conversation sometimes for hours sometimes for half an hour but only on his terms and at intervals of 21 days, whenever he felt like seeing me or obviously needed something from me. We started having more quality time, no meltdowns, no conflicts, only intellectual discussions about different topics. Sexual talk constituted only 10% of the time we spent with eachother. I had been able to prove my in-depth knowledge about history, plants, bugs, medicine, classical music, diseases etc. to him and he listened without interrupting. I was speaking Aspergese with him. It was pure harmony what we were experiencing. He felt so at ease with me. He was feeding my maternal instincts too. One night I invited him for dinner. I made the fatal mistake of becoming his care-taker when he told me he has problems with his knees. I told him it could be chondromalacia patella and he should stop cycling for some time, rest and treat the condition with ice and do exercises to pump up his quadriceps muscles. That night, we slept in the same bed where he cried "Auntie" all night long. My heart ached for him. The day after, he called me two times telling me he's been to an orthopedist and my diagnosis was correct. He thanked me for everything and then disappeared. This was two weeks ago. I called him two times, kept the conversation very short, like giving a business report bullet by bullet, he sounded completely disinterested. I concluded every phone call by saying I missed him, he retorted the same with him but never attempted to meet me again in person or initiate contact.

I am getting sick and tired of waiting for his phone call. I want him back in my life to start everything from scratch. I did nothing wrong except for one single time I lied to him about the price of the real estate out of fear he might lash out. He found that out and he roared "You lied to me, you lied to me!! !" That was not much compared to the hell he put me through. If I am ready to forgive him, he should be able to forgive me too. I am an intelligent, witty, childish, energetic woman myself and I see him as my soulmate. We have so much to share with eachother. I know how to manage his meltdowns now and more importantly how not to trigger them. I know how not to take his rudeness to heart. We could complete eachother perfectly. I know he still loves me and finds me attractive. Whenever he hugs me, his heart beats so fast that I'm afraid he will have an heart attack. Moments after a superficial foreplay, he showers and begs me not to touch him again if we are not to proceed towards the inevitable end. So I back off. I am much more attractive than he first saw me, fitter, thinner, more radiant. I am ready to become his sex slave even as long as we are protected and all happens at his place. (He does not want me at his place I've been there only twice and that was in the initial two weeks.) I know there will be always other women, I honestly do not care as long as I am his significant other. I have no future or marriage plans with him. I only want to cherish the moment.

Ten days ago, I sent him an SMS apologizing for having misunderstood him before and telling him he is one of the few people I trust in my life. I also wrote to him that I have bad conscience and sometimes feel I do not deserve him. Whether he calls me or not, I would always love him. Guess what? He did not call me back. It has been 10 days. I am devastated at the moment and put on psychotropics by my psychiatrist to get through the grief period. My problem is that I can not advance to the "anger" phase. I still wish all the best for him. Do you think there is any secret formula to reconnect with him? I am in major depression and he is out there sleeping around, surfing and chatting with teenagers at the surfing club. Sorry for the length of my message, I just wanted to make sure I did not leave out any critical point. Thanks for your patience and I would be grateful if any of you could suggest me a way out.