State of the Toad 2011

Post Reply New Topic

It's my birthday again. And it seems more and more like my birthday is a time to reflect on the past year, at what I did or did not get done. There is no cause for celebration, no reason to be happy about it. I'm just one year older now. I'm not getting any younger, and I feel further away from my goal (of a happy and loving family) than ever before.

For starters, I'm back to where I was two years ago... alone and unwanted. Last year I was still riding on hope that my ex might take me back. I looked at my birthday thread from 2010 and realize that I was in a much better place then, even coming off a breakup. At least back then I still felt alive. But now that thought is completely out of my mind. Now I'm left with nothing, no hope, no leads, no reason to continue.

And yet, I'm too bloody stubborn. It seems as though I'm destined to spend the rest of my life chasing the one thing I want and will never be able to have. I'm too abnormal. I'd give anything just to have some stability in my life, but I'm a defective specimen not worthy of that.

Last edited by ToadOfSteel on 27 Jan 2011, 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Happy Birthday, ToS!

I hope 2011 can be your year in regards to good things.

Happy Birthday Toad. Same as what Tim says, I hope 2011 will bring an improvement in your life.

happy birthday.

happy birthday! Don't worry, you'll find someone to love- or they will find you. Just keep your chin up

Happy birthday, Toad!

I'm about the same age as you. I've been through rough relationships, each break-up effecting me in different but all equally intense ways (I also have a crap job and haven't been in school in 5 years). When I was in high school I was convinced that if I didn't get a boyfriend as soon as possible, I was going to die alone, and not just alone, really fat and alone and bed-ridden. Growing up, I realized thinking that way will only lead me into those lonely, sad situations. Then when I got into relationships, I freaked out and poured all my feelings into them within the first week. I still sort of do that, but I'm making a strong conscious effort not to.

What I think you need to do, and it will take some time, is to just be happy with where you are now. Whether your life sucks or not, you've got to embrace it and have a good attitude about it. Another person is not going to suddenly make your life stable. Yeah, someone you can be with will make you happier, but you're still going to have all the other problems in your life that you had before, and you're still going to have to deal with them.

What's absolutely sickening and angers me more than anything is when people say, "When you're not looking for love, it'll find you!" in a high-pitched valley girl accent. And what's worse is it's bloody true. You're young. You're at that point where life really just becomes redundant and boring. No more high school, perhaps you're out of college, get a job, pay bills, etc. The years are gonna start flying by. The only way you'll change that and move forward with your life in the direction you want to go is when you think, "Oh I want to/should do this...," get up and do it! God knows it takes me about 7 months to get up and do it when I say that, but when you get up and do it, it starts happening.

Be awesome, and have an awesome birthday despite your troubles.

Happy Birthday Let me just say that on occasions like my birthday and Christmas, I completely forget everything that may bad in my life, for that day. Think "Screw it all, this is my day!"

I have no advice for the relationship issues as I know nothing myself , but I'll just say you (and I) will be successful in the end!

Happy Birthday toad, keep on hoping

Thank you. And thank you everybody who shared the sentiment...

I'm kinda the same way. I know that my existing family won't be there forever (hell, most of the time they aren't around now). I want a new family, one that I can be close to. And since john q public isn't going to adopt a fully-grown man anytime soon, I need to start from scratch. If I were able to do this by myself, I would. But finding a woman who also wants these things is integral to accomplishing that. I've heard that lots of women want families, but none of them want me...

What is there to be happy about? I have nothing. I am nothing. I can't see anything getting better. As much as i'd want it to, a woman isn't going to just magically appear and love me. I have to be the very best I can be in order to even stand a chance against better men. And even then, my best is hardly good enough.

Yes I realize that getting into a relationship doesn't solve all one's problems. I did experience a relationship over a year ago, and I know that to be true. But, in my experience, the relationship also motivated me to fix what was wrong with me... for her sake. When it's just me, I feel kinda pointless. There's no reason putting in the effort to improve myself if I'm just going to be alone anyway. But with a purpose, I found the means to motivate myself.

I just graduated with a bachelors degree in IT and am looking for a job. Even then, all the job qualifications are too intimidating. I feel unqualified to hold a job in my own field that I went to college for. And I am alone and without purpose...


Again, thanks for the sentiment. I wish I could share it...

This is probably one of your biggest issues. You can't even look for a relationship with the idea that you're going to try to start a family. That mind-set is completely jumping the gun, and it will cause you to rush things and eventually freak the woman out.

As far as your existing family goes, you can't help who they are. You're stuck with them, as are each of us. I've only just begun to get close to my family, much to my surprise. I think my dad's an as*hole, and my mum's a selfish shut-in. Their divorce was probably the best thing that's happened in a long time for my sisters and I. Dad has a new, wonderful fiancée, I've got back in touch with my older sister and I regularly visit her and my niece, and other extended family is pouring into my life. I can't say your parents divorcing would trigger this, and I didn't just get everyone in my life all of a sudden. I made the effort to communicate with them. When you make that effort, they more likely than not will, too.

If you want a woman that wants to start a family, then you need to first be completely stable and happy on your own. You are your own person with your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and intelligence. No woman, no matter how wonderful she is, will complete you because she, too, is her own person. And if you rush into a relationship and create a family with the wrong woman when you're not in a state of stability, that will honest to God F your life up bad.


If you say you have nothing, and worse yet, say you are nothing, then you are just that. If you have decided you're nothing and there's no way anything is going to get better, then there's no room for improvement. You're stuck there, and what needs to happen is you need to wiggle yourself out.

Self-esteem, confidence, and all that jazz your elementary school councilor went on about doesn't just come over night, despite what they might say. You can't just wake up one morning and have it. It's not bloody Christmas. The way you get it is by wiggling out of your dark, damp hole and crawling back to the surface. But you're not going to start crawling until you start wiggling, and you'll start wiggling when you decide to move forward.


Definitely the wrong attitude to have, but I must confess, I often feel the same way. I'm dating someone now, and now I want to better myself for him where before I didn't as much. I want more than anything to get back into school, I want to lose a few more pounds (and not by starving because I have an awful job that only gives me 15 hours a week. ), I want to get that better job so I can take him out to dinner and buy him cigarettes and junk. I'm right there with you. But if you better yourself now while single, then more women are more likely to be attracted to you and find you to be a suitable partner. It's all dandy to say 'take me as I am now, or don't take me at all', but home girl over there isn't even going to bother if she doesn't see something promising now. People don't date purely on potential. The guy I'm dating now has been down and out before, and if he still were, I probably would not be so interested. He picked himself up and got himself to where he needs to be. I'm proud of him for that, and that attracts me to him.

You've got to get up and walk through the fire yourself. You need to own everything you achieve, and make the best damned effort you can in achieving those things. That is sexy to people. A woman will see that you did that and think 'oh, okay, he's a self-starter and responsible. I can rely on him'. That's what people want in a partner, not someone that doesn't think they're worth anything.

The problem with thinking you're not worth anything is that it is completely untrue. If to no one else, then for your own happiness, you absolutely owe it to yourself to make the best of yourself for yourself. You can make yourself happy because you're something. If you think you're nothing, then how is anyone else supposed to think something of you? You've got to do it first and prove that you are something. I know you're worth something. You wouldn't have posted about your woes if you didn't honestly think you're worth something because you feel like you need someone to tell you differently and tell you that first step you need to take. Well here it is, you are valuable and worthwhile, but right now you're just potential. You won't realize everything you're worth until you start to prove it to yourself. Go for that job that you're nervous about. If there's anything more you need to learn, bust your ass to learn it in your first few days on the job. You can bloody well do it because I've seen it before. You just need to believe in yourself.


Intimidation ain't nothing. You've got this. Fill out the application anyway, turn it in with a resume, and get that interview. It might be hard at first, but there isn't anything any IT job will ask of you that you can't learn to do in the first week or two there. Your BA (or is it BS?) has your back. You can do it, and I bloody well promise you that. If you get nervous or scared or overwhelmed, just continue to use whatever techniques you use to get through it, and persevere. And when you hold onto that first IT job you get, holy crap you'll start to feel worlds better about yourself. You'll have awesome money flow (we can hope), you'll be starting your life. In a few weeks, months, years time, see where you are and how you've improved from here, and feel that sense of accomplishment. Do that for yourself first, and a woman will see it and think it good. Shoot, you might meet someone at the job! Well, they say never date coworkers, but pfft, who cares?


As RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gon' love somebody else? Can I get an amen?"

^That is one of the best posts I've seen here in a while.

Happy Birthday, Toad!!

Happy Birthday ToadofSteel . Everybody else brought out the pep talk advice so I'll lay off this time. But I stand by my prediction that you will be married by 30. Your problem is partly demographic and partly self esteem. The demographic problem will sort itself out as you get a job (which will push you into new social circles) and as you and your female peers age and women start thinking more about family themselves. The self esteem problem is a tougher one but that's what therapy is for.

In the meantime, I hope you have a nice birthday celebration and do something fun for yourself.

seconded

Happy birthday. You are chasing a lie, let go of it and set yourself free.

^ Lol. No, you are not chasing a lie. You are interested in having a family with someone. But, taking my advice, dont do it because you feel pointless on your own, do it because you are complete on your own and the woman supplements your life.