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KtMcS
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22 Jun 2004, 3:43 pm

I have come to a conclusion.
There is nothing wrong with me. I may not be drop-dead gorgeous but I'm not going to be falsely modest- I do know I have a decent figure and I'm not ugly. I have friends who are boys but lack of any boyfriend or any knowledge of someone who would like to be.
The problem isn't necessarily that they don't like me or find me attractive...it's they don't think I'm interested. Because I don't make much eye contact or physical contact & tend to get embarrassed & run away (not literally lol).
I think this is what the main problem is with Asperger's and relationships- not because of a lack of interest on either side but because we can't give out the signals that they are looking for.



Nuttdan
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22 Jun 2004, 4:33 pm

Yeah, that can be a problem, not being able to properly let others know you're interested. And conversely, not being able to know when others are interested in you.

I don't understand how people define "flirting". It seems to have too many nuances to have a consistant definition. The definition, I suppose, is contextual.



alex
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22 Jun 2004, 5:22 pm

Nuttdan wrote:
Yeah, that can be a problem, not being able to properly let others know you're interested. And conversely, not being able to know when others are interested in you.

I don't understand how people define "flirting". It seems to have too many nuances to have a consistant definition. The definition, I suppose, is contextual.


Different people have different definitions of flirting.
I think that it depends on the individual. A friend could tell you that a girl/guy you like isn't flirting wth you because your friend knows that this girl acts this way all the time, but you could argue that the person is flirtatious by nature and that it is flirting. Some girls, can confidently flirt with a guy they don't have feelings for (those girls' friends might tell you this isn't flirting, its just the way the girls are, i disagree) , but when the same girl is around a guy she likes, she could get shy and act stupid and clingy and not be able to flirt according to my definition of flirting (although her friends might say thats her way of flirting).

KtMcS wrote:
I have come to a conclusion.
There is nothing wrong with me. I may not be drop-dead gorgeous but I'm not going to be falsely modest- I do know I have a decent figure and I'm not ugly. I have friends who are boys but lack of any boyfriend or any knowledge of someone who would like to be.
The problem isn't necessarily that they don't like me or find me attractive...it's they don't think I'm interested. Because I don't make much eye contact or physical contact & tend to get embarrassed & run away (not literally lol).
I think this is what the main problem is with Asperger's and relationships- not because of a lack of interest on either side but because we can't give out the signals that they are looking for.


If you like a guy, you should tell him.
If you tell him, he will obviously know that you are interested, and you will be able to find out how he feels about you. There will be no more guesswork needed. Don't be afraid of rejection, everyyone gets rejected multiple times in their life (but will get accepted multiple times as well).


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Mich
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25 Jun 2004, 7:22 pm

This summer, I'm going to day camp. What this has to do with flirting, you may wonder? A boy's coming this year who flirted with me the year before. (and at the camp's open house) He's really annoying, but that's not the worst part. People tease me about him!! ! I don't know how many times my parents teased me about this boy this year alone, but I bet: if I had a dime for every time they made a joke about that boy, I'd have a lot of money. Anybody else with this problem? If so, please reply.



alex
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25 Jun 2004, 7:29 pm

Mich wrote:
This summer, I'm going to day camp. What this has to do with flirting, you may wonder? A boy's coming this year who flirted with me the year before. (and at the camp's open house) He's really annoying, but that's not the worst part. People tease me about him!! ! I don't know how many times my parents teased me about this boy this year alone, but I bet: if I had a dime for every time they made a joke about that boy, I'd have a lot of money. Anybody else with this problem? If so, please reply.


So, let me get this straight, do you flirt back with the boy? You seem to indicate that you don't like him at all, so I assume you don't flirt back. If this is the case, its best to tell him that you don't like him in any romantic way. It isn't fair to him to string him along (although I'm sure you haven't considering the way you talked about him). I realize that you dont' want to hurt his feelings (well I assume you don't) but you will probably end up hurting him more if you don't tell him the way you feel. On the other hand, maybe he isn't flirting, maybe hes just like that (although this is unlikely). BTW, I noticed your public message. :D Welcome to WrongPlanet.net!


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TyroneShoelaces
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26 Jun 2004, 9:44 pm

Example of fail-safe flirtation!

"I love your hair! Did you grow it yourself?" :P



the_enigma
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26 Jun 2004, 10:41 pm

I wish I had a boyfriend. I don't know how to flirt though and I don't like many of the boys at school. There is one I don't mind dating but I don't want to do anything that is long term.
I know I'm not an ugly girl, but I'm NOT going to go say that I'm drop dead gorgeous and have looks of a model because that is just boasting and I don't think it's true. I'll admit that I look decent though and I think that a guy would be interested in me.
The only problem is me. I act as if I'm not interested in a boyfriend. People think that I'm distant, cold and serious but in reality I'm just too shy to approach a guy. Even when I do, I seem to make the impression that I want to be his friend or I just want to ask him a question, not that I'm interested in dating.



lulu
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27 Jun 2004, 10:50 am

oh man, i have always said i am horrible at flirting, i have no idea how to do it. i have never had any desire to try to stroke anyones ego (as if i could figure out how to do that LOL), no matter how much i wanted to go out with them. of course, my husband says that i flirt constantly - so obviously i have no idea what is flirting and what is talking to a person i am comfortable with. when i met my husband, i stood him up 3 times (i met him when i worked at starbucks, and while i was fine talking to him when i was behind the counter - i got panic attacks at the thought of actually *going* anywhere). i finally went out with him on a "safe" date (meaning, it was a movie and i didnt have to talk). i guess i wasnt too freaky for him (he's totally not at all ASD, he's the most normal, well adjusted guy i had ever dated, and not at all like my 1st husband LOL) because we were married 9 months later. it did take him a while to understand how and why i acted certain ways and that i am and always will be pretty much a hermit (evidently he had the opposite issue with his 1st wife, she wouldnt ever stay at home and was always out partying).

okay, now why did i just spill all of that??

branwyn



Mich
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27 Jun 2004, 5:51 pm

alex wrote:
Mich wrote:
This summer, I'm going to day camp. What this has to do with flirting, you may wonder? A boy's coming this year who flirted with me the year before. (and at the camp's open house) He's really annoying, but that's not the worst part. People tease me about him!! ! I don't know how many times my parents teased me about this boy this year alone, but I bet: if I had a dime for every time they made a joke about that boy, I'd have a lot of money. Anybody else with this problem? If so, please reply.


So, let me get this straight, do you flirt back with the boy? You seem to indicate that you don't like him at all, so I assume you don't flirt back. If this is the case, its best to tell him that you don't like him in any romantic way. It isn't fair to him to string him along (although I'm sure you haven't considering the way you talked about him). I realize that you dont' want to hurt his feelings (well I assume you don't) but you will probably end up hurting him more if you don't tell him the way you feel. On the other hand, maybe he isn't flirting, maybe hes just like that (although this is unlikely). BTW, I noticed your public message. :D Welcome to WrongPlanet.net!


I have a question. What does "string along" mean?



alex
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27 Jun 2004, 7:28 pm

Mich wrote:
alex wrote:
Mich wrote:
This summer, I'm going to day camp. What this has to do with flirting, you may wonder? A boy's coming this year who flirted with me the year before. (and at the camp's open house) He's really annoying, but that's not the worst part. People tease me about him!! ! I don't know how many times my parents teased me about this boy this year alone, but I bet: if I had a dime for every time they made a joke about that boy, I'd have a lot of money. Anybody else with this problem? If so, please reply.


So, let me get this straight, do you flirt back with the boy? You seem to indicate that you don't like him at all, so I assume you don't flirt back. If this is the case, its best to tell him that you don't like him in any romantic way. It isn't fair to him to string him along (although I'm sure you haven't considering the way you talked about him). I realize that you dont' want to hurt his feelings (well I assume you don't) but you will probably end up hurting him more if you don't tell him the way you feel. On the other hand, maybe he isn't flirting, maybe hes just like that (although this is unlikely). BTW, I noticed your public message. :D Welcome to WrongPlanet.net!


I have a question. What does "string along" mean?


String along means, "do things to make him think that you like him even if you don't like him."


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Mich
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28 Jun 2004, 7:43 am

alex wrote:
Mich wrote:
alex wrote:
Mich wrote:
This summer, I'm going to day camp. What this has to do with flirting, you may wonder? A boy's coming this year who flirted with me the year before. (and at the camp's open house) He's really annoying, but that's not the worst part. People tease me about him!! ! I don't know how many times my parents teased me about this boy this year alone, but I bet: if I had a dime for every time they made a joke about that boy, I'd have a lot of money. Anybody else with this problem? If so, please reply.


So, let me get this straight, do you flirt back with the boy? You seem to indicate that you don't like him at all, so I assume you don't flirt back. If this is the case, its best to tell him that you don't like him in any romantic way. It isn't fair to him to string him along (although I'm sure you haven't considering the way you talked about him). I realize that you dont' want to hurt his feelings (well I assume you don't) but you will probably end up hurting him more if you don't tell him the way you feel. On the other hand, maybe he isn't flirting, maybe hes just like that (although this is unlikely). BTW, I noticed your public message. :D Welcome to WrongPlanet.net!


I have a question. What does "string along" mean?


String along means, "do things to make him think that you like him even if you don't like him."


Actually, once, I did string him along a little. It was because one of my plans (to get him away from me) had backfired. It was a fake love letter I wrote foolishly thinking he'd think it's from another girl, go after her, and leave me alone. But it didn't work. A camp counselor dragged me along while she gave the note to the boy. Then, later, I "confessed." (the only thing I could do after the boy knew I wrote the letter) Afterwards, the news spread around. One counselor called us lovers! :oops: Sorry I had to announce this to you.



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28 Jun 2004, 7:49 pm

I can't do flirting; if I try, it's too bumbling to be very effective. Still, there are some women who are somehow attracted to me. I honestly don't know why.

I tried getting to know some woman in college. She was nice, understanding, and pretty too. She was also kind of weird, but I thought that was fine at the time. I'm going to be more careful in my dealings with women in the future, though. No one likes to be disappointed.



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20 Jul 2004, 9:57 pm

Amen, Sweetheart!

I've been married to an Aspie for 15 years, and he stopped bothering to send signals from the hour we drove off on our honeymoon. However, prior to marriage, he knew he had to get motivated with some signals to get the altar. (Still trying to figure out his motivation for that.) Trying to get emotional reciproicity is like propping up a dead horse with toothpicks.

My husband only found out in the spring of this year that he has AS. At least we can finally put a name to it and try to understand what the situation is.....is.



Sanityisoverrated
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21 Jul 2004, 10:32 pm

Wise man say: Keep trying, maybe you just need more toothpicks!



Unico
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23 Jul 2004, 6:59 pm

I'm pretty bad at this sort of thing. I tend to think people who are interested in me romantically are only interested in me as a friend (which, in most cases so far, is what I wanted). I think I look like I string people along, but it is unintentional. I try to be nice to people and show interest in people (in a platonic way), but I think this gets misconstrued. Usually when someone approaches me (with probable romantic intent) and I think (wrongly) "Oh goodie! A new friend!" Some people I've tried to be friends with in such circumstances and, when I've made the boundaries clear, we can be friends. But it's not possible with everyone. (Not that I wouldn't be interested in having a significant other, I'm just kind of picky). I hate situations like that. I am pretty, supposedly, (I have *major* self-image problems, so don't take this to mean I think I feel superior in any way) and I look younger than my age. Because of these two characteristics I've gotten myself into some confusing (sometimes twisted) circumstances. I wish I were better at reading people's intentions. :roll:



EGMaria2004
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01 Sep 2004, 2:35 am

Well people say i'm transperants as glass (they can tell when I like someone) but i'm still single. So I think it's a lot more complicated than just showing your interest.