Love and personal happiness

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Something that I've been thinking about recently is whether I should really be concerned about whether I ever end up in a relationship or not. Since coming here and reading DataSage's guide to meeting women, I've come to realise that many of the behaviours that men need to exhibit to attract women are ways of acting that I'm simply not comfortable with at all.

I'm not saying it's a bad guide by any means, but just that I'm not someone who's ever going to be totally self-assured or "owning the room" whenever I walk in somewhere. Trying to engage in such attitudes that clash with who I want to be is something that makes me feel very stressed out.

With this in mind, I've come to realise that courting women would be pointless for me, since it would involve doing things that would go against what makes me happy. It's not women's fault that they are attracted by the characteristics of Alpha Males, nor is it my fault that I can't be such a male, and subjugating my own sense of well-being in pursuit of a woman's love seems inherently counter-productive to me.

People tend to put a lot of value on having a partner, and I've seen some very bitter individuals in my short time browsing these forums and those on similar sites. While I don't discount the value that a happy relationship has for those who share one with someone, is the expectation of finding love as a basic life goal misguided? Romance might just not be for everyone.

Some of my closest friends are female, and I enjoy being able to talk to them without the pressure of having to trigger attraction in them. Though I may remain single all my life, I think this is an acceptable way to be for those without the power to arouse the opposite sex, and it allows me to channel my efforts into areas that I can succeed at, like my hobbies and my education.

Does anyone else share this perspective on the whole issue of love and dating?

Well said.

You make some interesting points.

I think the Alpha-Male/PUA stratagem is really oriented towards having more frequent casual sex with more attractive women - not something I'm at all interested in. I get the impression that those guys pride themselves in not having a girlfriend.

I've tried (and failed) to give up romance as basic life goal. While I experience cycles of being more active in trying or less active, the basic undercurrent is always there. I'm simply not asexual.

There's a lot of evidence that romance may not be something I can achieve, but I've pretty much accepted that I'm going to keep trying indefinitely...

Edited.

Just saying.

Keep looking gentlemen. Consider this quote from the late, great children's author, Dr. Seuss:

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

I suppose im lucky in that i don't find myself attracted to most people. The world is divided into two groups for me, the one person im attracted to at the time ( quite often im not attracted to anyone at all) is in one group and those im not ( the rest of the world) are in the other group. I don't really mind, it makes it easier to take sex out of the equation when im talking to people and i think that's a really good thing.


Hope for the best and plan for the worst, I've always known that i'd be alone for life so ive been working through the whole thing in my head for a long time. I'm *almost* at the point where ive accepted it.

seoulgamer
I wish I can be like that.

The perceptions of women on this board are really out of whack. I don't know who these women are, or if they're even women at all. Maybe many if the posters on this board are very young, and they're dealing with girls? Not women? A normal, adult, semi-educated woman will avoid a player like the PLAGUE. These men are jokes to us. Guys who hang out in bars looking to score, sweet talking, strutting around and acting like gorillas are only going to appeal to women who think like primates. All this Alpha/silverback conversation belongs in a zoo. If you want a girl with the intellect of a dog, then go ahead and take the alpha stuff seriously. If you want a real girl, just start with friendship.
Also, only high maintenance princesses are interested in courtship. Most women and girls today feel that it's a silly, outdated, uncomfortable behavior.

Just find someone you like to hang out with. Hang out with her. See what happens.

To the OP: I share this perspective. My primary life goal is furthering my career/academic pursuits/concrete achievements. Romance is a secondary life goal. I think like this for the same reason you do - I want to focus on something I am good at, and something where the reward is more directly proportional to the amount of effort you put in.

You are not alone in thinking this way, there are many others who operate according to these principals. You shouldn't feel guilty, or like you've "given up" for following these ideals. It doesn't mean that you've completely given up by any means, it just means that romance is not your primary goal. I believe for those like us who are able to take this direction (taking Grisha's comment into account) this path leads to a much happier and more satisfactory life.

Married men live longer than single men

Married women live a shorter life than single women

However, we live in a male dominant society

Being a rogue male means you will live without the companionship and warmth of the herd, and die alone somewhere with no one to hold your hand

Happiness is the secret to long life.
Many singles are happy
But most are not

Become a happy single by rewiring your brain via purposeful intent and directed desire

I should probably clarify a couple of things I said in my opening post.

I don't mean to suggest, as Grisha pointed out, that one consciously repress their desire to be with a partner. My intention was more along the lines of that one remains open to the possibility of a relationship, but doesn't chase after the possibility to the point of it becoming a struggle that detracts from one's happiness.

For me, having to jump all sorts of hoops for a girl I was trying to get to know better, or feeling under pressure to make her laugh, that would kill much of my desire for her because it would feel like a one-way process from my point of view. If she doesn't appear to be interested in me and reacts badly towards my attempts at conversation, I don't particularly feel like pushing myself well out of my comfort zone just to please her. I may find someone desirable, but it has to be a two-way street for me to really feel motivated to chase her a little.

On that note, I also wouldn't go for a girl just because I thought she was more attainable-an "easier catch", if you will. That's not to say I'd turn away any woman who wasn't a model, but I'm not going to try and go after someone I don't feel attracted to.

In other words, the attitude I'm trying to describe is one where one doesn't compromise a reasonable set of standards, but doesn't worry if they don't meet someone who takes them seriously as a potential partner.

I'm talking about choosing to remain happy and fulfilled, while not bitterly dismissing the possibility of love entering one's life. I'm just insisting that any romance I pursue must be one that makes me happier in the pursuit of it-not a vain struggle for the acceptance of a woman who isn't interested.

Besides, a person who fills their life with things they love to do and can excel at, that seems to be to not only be a good way to meet like-minded people of both sexes, but also a better way to boost your confidence than memorising chat-up lines.

\What a waste of time trying make some one happy I simply don't get it

I've got better things to do with my time than try to make myself intresting to a women/shower her with presents

www.wrongplanet.net/postt123445.html

I struggle with love and dating on a daily basis. I actually get more depressed over dating and not being in a relationship than social situations. I feel that my looks and my AS turns girls away. They cannot see me as a potential partner because I look "weird" and I'm "different". The only girls I have heard that actually "like" me and think that I'm "hot" are ugly girls. I don't want an ugly girl who has ugly inner and outer beauty. I know I sound shallow but, it's the truth. I am finally getting the help I need in this area but I feel I will be deprogrammed from my current state and made to feel happy without a partner. Anyway, I guess not having somebody makes me feel less cool. It seems society puts an emphasis on people my age to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. My parents don't put that pressure on me. But, everybody else does.