Asking an Aspie guy out

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Hi!

Well... I am an NT, an unbearable shy one in fact. The things it that I really like this guy at my college, he is an aspie, I tried to confess to him some time ago but I think that because of my poor performance at confessing it didn't do anything at all, I still wonder today if he actually heard what I said on that day. Ever since then I have had just minimum interaction with him, a polite exchange of smiles and stares without saying a single word if we happen to meet at college. I actually don't think he dislikes me as a person, at some point he realizes that I exist (which makes me incredibly happy) and he has been nice and friendly with me, he had approach me a couple of times so I don't feel our relationship is that platonic or one-sided (at least as a friendship). I think that is his gentle nature though so I try not to raise my hopes, I don't have an idea if he happens to like me in any other way which doesn't seem is the case I think. I fear that he might be asexual and have no interest at all but I might be over-thinking things. Usually guys are easier to read, whether they like you or not, you would sense if they want to stay away from you, or if they try to get closer to you, even if they just want to be your friends and nothing else... they give you signs and hints but this one guy is horribly hard to read since he is not doing any of that or giving up any kind of sign. He might just be plain indifferent to the entire situation.


I have no idea of what to do since I already confessed to him and the minimum interaction we have does not show any closeness at all. A couple of friends told me that I should just go ahead an ask him for his number and then ask him out but to be honest that is nearly impossible for a shy person like me, is hard to talk with him in first place and even though he is an incredibly nice person I still fear about he thinking about me being a nuisance. I don't fear about him rejecting me as much as I fear about what is he going to think about me and that keeps me from doing anything at all... besides I don't know a thing about dating or making first moves, sadly apart from being shy I am incredibly inexperienced.

I wonder, how would you feel or how would you react if a girl/woman suddenly asks you out? And if you are a girl I wonder if you have ever asked a guy out? (Since it is usually the other way around)

Just so you have a picture, I am a respectful, well-behave, responsible, friendly, calm, shy, sweet and a quiet person. Some people would say smart and pretty, but I am just dedicated I don't feel that smart since I have a horrible memory and being pretty well, that depends on the beholder besides I don't think the guy that I like cares much about that anyways.

Last edited by TheSwan on 08 Mar 2011, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

The problem with aspies is that if you don't tell us in a straightforward manner we're liable to not fully understand what we've just been told. When you say you tried to confess to him how far exactly did you get and what did you say to him? Also, your actions appear to be proving contradictory to your words. Why would you tell someone you like them and then stop seeking them out? Also, as to him not giving you any signals, that is another aspie trait. It does not mean he doesn't like you.

As far as what you should do, I agree with your friends. Don't worry about him thinking of you as a nuisance. If he finds you agreeable enough to approach then he clearly does not find you annoying. I know it can be hard to be shy and a lot of people in here can sympathize with you but I'm thinking this is one of those "swallow and go" moments. If you over think and let worry and shyness get the better of you, there's a chance you'll regret this lost opportunity.

As for asking guys out. From what I've seen on this forum (which is filled with aspie guys so I think odds are good for yours) the guys here actually prefer when the girls ask them out. I, myself, have never asked out a guy because I have never found a guy I wanted to ask out.

Good luck! I hope things go well.

I agree, you will need to be clear and straightforward. Is there any way you could just get his email address? Them you could send him a note telling him you like him and would like to go out. He could read it away from all the distractions and stress of being at school. (Being surrounded by people can be overwhelming.) That might also be an easier way for you to clearly communicate since you're shy. Good luck, and remember, if he says no, it doesn't make you any less wonderful. We often reject interactions for more reasons than we can express.

Leave a nice greeting card on his desk or table, or whatever, with your intentions and interest expressed in writing. Be specific - like "I want you to have lunch with me at (for ex._ Catalina's Cafe at 2 o'clock on Saturday afternoon. Can you make it? If not, call or e-mail me with where you'd rather go. Include your telephone number and preferably your e-mail address. If he does nothing - forget it. If he does nothing, target your attention on shy, introverted NT's. Aspies are a pain in the ass. I don't care who gets mad on this site because it's true. Who the hell feels like chasing an aspie around for years until they finally decide to catch "you"?
PAINS IN THE ASSES!! ! but that doesn't mean they're not lovable. If you like my suggestion, send me a PM and let me know what happens. You can get a lot of good advice from the people here. Aspies are often hated just because they're often misunderstood. It really is a shame. If it works out with this chap, you can get things cleared up a bit by posting your concerns about him here. But don't fool yourself. Some aspies are no good just like the general population. You also can feel free to discuss asexuality, bisexuality, or homosexuality and even ask what his preference is - but do it with tact. You can bring up the fact that gays can get married in New Jersey. Ask him if he thinks it's a good thing or not. AND DON"T be paying for guys to eat! Going dutch (meaning you pay for yourself and he pays for himself) is alright but if he offers to pay for himself and you especially, that's a good start for dating.
BUT one big question - How did you find out that he is an aspie? - Don't assume stuff. Do you think that you might be an aspie?

Aw.. First I want to say thanks to the people that have replied to me so far, I really appreciate it !

Well, I just intercepted him in a hall and I told that I really wanted to tell him something... and he said that he couldn't hear what I was telling him so I tried to say it louder and told him "I just wanted to tell you that I like you!" trying to smile... but I totally freaked out, I don't even know if he put any kind of expression at all or if he was planning on saying anything, I was so nervous that everything turned black... even If I didn't stop looking at his eyes at all time I don't have an idea of what was the look on his eyes. I ran away before he said anything at all which I shouldn't have and still today I keep regretting it. He never told me anything regarding that day, he didn't ask anything at all and it seems like he didn't tell a soul either.

I tried to be straight forward because I knew he wouldn't notice whether I was flirting with him or not but I failed, I ignore whether he misunderstood me or if he didn't listen to what I said. Someone here told me that It would be easier for him to notice my signals if he knew from the start that I liked him rather than the other way around. The week I confessed to him I couldn't look at him because I was dying of embarrassment, it wasn't until the last day of that same week that I actually look at him and he smiled to me and greet me for the first time. After that I have been doing silly things, like writing little messages on his twitter or giving him candy on valentines day or simply smile to him. He always responds gently to whatever action I take. He was nice enough to wish me a happy birthday which I didn't expect. I have him for a class and even though we know each other we never say hi, he never says hi to anyone actually, unless they greet him first... I don't think anyone notice that the two of us actually know each other, that is why I get happy whenever I feel that I exist in his world for a couple of seconds and that is usually when there is no one around.

So, I don't have an idea if his actions are just purely friendly, still at least I think I am liked even if it is not in a romantic way. However, the semester would end in no time and I can't keep doing just small things constantly without even knowing if he notices that I do that because I like him, he might think I am just a super nice distant friend or something. ...

Confessing is one thing because you are not asking him out, usually if you have good luck, you just confess and the guy would come back to you and ask you out if he happens to like you. But asking a guy a out... its totally foreign to me, do I have to say where? and what are we going to do? and If a guy asks you out I think they pay for whatever you do, like going to the movies or eating somewhere.... but if I am a girl I just have to worry about bringing my own money? I have so many doubts... I don't know if asking him out would turn out right. Is confessing again a better idea? ... He is the nerdy type of guy, I think that maybe he wouldn't like going out like the rest of the people would he?, I wouldn't mind if spending time with him meant playing games or watching action movies, I feel like I can watch people play games all day long and not get bored and well, even if action movies and comics are not my forte is not like I dislike them.

If someone confesses to you or asks you out even if you turn them down you would think of it as a complement right? Even if he rejects me I just wish he wouldn't think any less of me or make him feel awkward... Do any of you feel awkward when you know someone likes you?

Thank you so much for readying you have no idea of how grateful I am, I am so sorry for making so many questions! (This the inexperience talking.)

Last edited by TheSwan on 08 Mar 2011, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I never feel awkward when someone likes me. Infact it puts me in an INCREDIBLY good mood whenever a girl shows interest in me. But he might be different, I dunno. Perhaps he's unsure of what your intentions are. I know that the big thing that puts me off of asking girls out is being unsure of whether they're actually interested in me in that way. Get him alone somewhere, tell him what you think about him, and just ask what he feels about it.

In all honesty, the more you overthink asking him out the more scared you will probably make yourself. A little bit of planning is good, too much planning is not. Don't sweat it.

As far as I am aware all you have to do is ask him if he wants to go eat lunch or get coffee or go to some event or whatever with you. Saying it is a lot easier than doing it, however. The beauty of being on a college campus is that you have all of these things fairly close to you and they are rather inexpensive. The most important thing to remember is that you should choose to take him someplace you guys can talk. If you ask him to go with you to the movie they're showing on campus you probably won't get to know each other any better and it is through knowing each other better that you'll be able to tell exactly where you want the relationship to go. Someone else mentioned Dutch-dating above where each member pays their own way on the date. I think that's a good way to go so far as the money issue goes.

Really, I think you should just ask him to lunch or whatever and once you have him alone confess that you like him again. After all, the way you explained it above when you were in the hallway and he couldn't hear you and you were freaking out did not sound like a good situation. It's best to confess in an environment you have more control over, hence asking him to go somewhere with you first.

As for how he'll react it's a bit hard to say. While there are plenty of guys who would take your interest as a compliment I don't know him well enough to reassure you as to how he would respond. Just know that however he responds it has more to do with him than you. Aspies are not known to be the most socially mature, after all. Don't take it too hard if he doesn't respond the way you want him to. Make sure you give him time to answer, and don't be too worried if he doesn't respond immediately. A lot of us need time to process exactly what just happened.

And don't worry about all the questions. I'm sure most of us would do the same, after all, it's harder to see things objectively when it's your own heart on the line. I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.

I'm an NT too and already confessed to an Aspie, it didn't go well, but that means it won't be the same for you. I hope it works out for the best for you! Good luck and plan it out!

Oww... I'm sorry to hear that ... I will! and Thank you so much!

We eat the girls who ask us out. How much do you weight?

If you asked in a crowded, noisy hallway, this was a bad choice. In general, we don't like crowds and noise and they make us more nervous and confused. If you're in high school, you may be dealing with someone who is, emotionally, closer to 13 than 18. If he's this type of guy, you are probably out of luck because if he reciprocates your feelings at all, it may be at a much lower level than you want. I was like this. In high school, pretty much all I wanted to do was watch cartoons, play video games, and learn about history/science through books or TV. When I was in HS, the only people I wanted to interact with were people several years younger, who I could still be a kid with, and people over a decade older, who were more interesting to me intellectually and/or had some wisdom that I could learn from.

If you're in college and he's older than you, you probably are more likely to interest him. Either way, you need to be more direct and less skittish. He's probably not going to pursue you at all. You really need to get him alone and corner him if you're going to do things face to face. If he's being evasive, it's more likely to have something to do with him and the situations where he feels comfortable or uncomfortable rather than anything about his feelings for you. A note/e-mail might be easier because you can take your time and write what you want to say when you're calm and not have to worry so much about anxiety getting in the way. Words on paper are clear to an aspie, provided you're direct and don't expect too much reading between the lines. Ask the guy if he wants to go out, ask for his phone number, and if he replies, go from there. If he doesn't, it could be any number of reasons. He could be homosexual or asexual, he may simply uninterested in relationships right now, he may too fearful of failure to seek out romance, and he may not be attracted to you.

As an aspie at University, it took me two years to realise that the girl on my corridor that invited me to a club was hitting on me. She never mentioned dating, or sex, or anything like that - it was a trip out, and dancing, and a drink. She didn't mention anything further, so I didn't realise anything was intended.

(Since I realised I was gay a year later, she probably had a lucky escape!)

So here's the thing. If you tell an aspie you like him, he'll file it away in his head somewhere. It won't occur to him that you're playing a dating game. Not for a couple of years, at least! If you ask him out for a drink, this is better - but he won't necessarily twig that you're looking for anything more than a drink.

I'd say, start with the drink/meal/cinema/whatever. Take your time - aspies usually don't like sudden change, so give him a chance to get used to you. And you to him. You might find his traits get bloody irritating after a while. My work colleagues cringe at my puns. After a while, tell him that you want to get more serious. Keep it all very open, make it clear he has a choice in whether to take it further or to back out if it gets too much.

Oh, and as for email - this is a good idea. If you email an NT with this sort of thing, they'd find it weird, but a textual message plays to aspie strengths - it means you need to get your message across without any body language, intonation or any of the other aspects of communication we often don't pick up on. I still much prefer email to telephone calls or face-to-face contact.

Good luck!

It has been said above.. you need to inform him directly.. the courtship dance is one thing we don't grasp the nuances of.

If you're shy you can perhaps do something that might go even better with a guy with AS: write him a note. Give it to him in person and walk away (or stay if you're up to it). Be aware that he may freeze up a bit upon reading it (think: surprise+ohmygodwhatdoIdo?? moment stretched out for a minute or two).

You may not realize it but if you're as shy as I assume you are from what I've read above you are likely to be very happy with him... verbal communication is something we're not very good at... so if YOU aren't good at it either... match made in heaven


g'luck!

Yes... I have been thinking about that,whenever I try to say something I get so nervous I mess up and don't say everything I would like to say and I don't make myself clear.. I want to try to write a letter so I can describe things better and make more sense. In fact, I have tried to write it down a letter a couple of times before but because I myself don't like to receive letters I hesitate a lot, it is hard not only to write them but to deliver them. I thought that face-to-face was a better idea but it was probably not, It was agonizing for me as a shy person to communicate in that way, it was like committing harakiri (a honorable Japanese way to commit suicide for Samurais ) and probably he didn't really get what I was trying to transmit, looking at him directly at the eyes all the time while saying it didn't make it any better, I have read that for some Aspies looking into someone's eyes can drain much of their focus and me on the other hand felt everything was gradually becoming dark... So probably a letter would work better, not only for him but for both, I just wish It wasn't so embarrassing.



Yes, If I end up doing something like that I would probably ran away after I give it to him, I think I would die of embarrassment if I just stay there and watch him read my letter, if I were him I would feel very uncomfortable in that situation (which sadly I have been through) and I dislike a lot when people ask me right away "So, what do you think?" not only is too suddenly to even know how to respond but It is really awkward...

And I hope so, I think part of the reason that I like him is that I think it would be nice to be with another passive person, I need a long time to get used to someone, I am not good at talking to people or trusting people, nor I am any good at expressing my love and affection... I don't think him being an Aspie is actually a bad thing... I think that even though I don't quite see the things the same way he does I can understand how it feels to be different and how hard it can be to socialize because I deal with that myself. So hope I am would not be rejected and that we end up having an harmonic relationship.

Thank you guys so much!

It doesn't need to be a long letter. Short and to the point is best. Tell him you're interested and want to go out with him and see how it goes. Don't spill out your feelings or stuff like that - it might scare him off if he doesn't know how to respond!

And why hand him the letter? Can't you post it to him somehow? Saves all the embarrassment.

Best to avoid long eye contact. I still struggle with that myself - I'm sure my colleagues think I'm ignoring them half the time! It can be quite intimidating - short glances, fine. Long glances, wait until he knows you better. He may never be keen on eye contact, but don't let that bother you.

Oh, and aspies find it hard to express feelings. An aspie tends to show love by cleaning the house, buying presents, cooking meals, mowing the lawn, that sort of thing. Romance can be an alien concept.

As a Aspie myself just make sure your striat forward and to the point giving him a note will work to but it might also scare him off and an make him nervous to be around you