Have Any of You Dated a Neurotypical Female?

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rocknrollslc
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13 Mar 2011, 5:45 am

i see what you mean, so what do you suggest



CaptainTrips222
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13 Mar 2011, 5:50 am

Chronos wrote:
how do you determine that girls with AS date NT men any more than guys with AS date NT women?


He probably doesn't have any proof, but I'll bet he's right. It stands to reason. Women are -don't seem to be, but ARE- much more critical of a guy's approach, personality, self confidence, and ability to read social cues, than a male would be of a female. Being on the spectrum can compromise all these qualities. Awkwardness actually isn't more tolerated in women, but if a woman can't pull of a smooth persona, she can always be a little quieter and pass herself off as shy. Now I don't know any man who would get turned off by a shy woman, so long as they found her somewhat attractive and nice. While a female lacking in social skills might attract the wrong kind of guy, it's just not as much of a deal breaker over all. An decent looking girl with AS can attract a male. A guy that can't navigate those subtle social cues won't be forgiven.

If you don't believe there are different standards, then ask yourself, if a guy has low muscle tone, don't you think it would be more detrimental than if a girl didn't have muscle tone? If a man has low social status, don't you think it would be more damaging to his chances than if a woman does? On the flip side, if a girl has a reputation for being crude and domineering, it works against her more than it would a guy.

We can probably all think of exceptions, but I think women on the spectrum have a better chance making it with a NT guy than a guy with AS or whatever would have getting a NT woman.



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13 Mar 2011, 6:14 am

Tequila wrote:
One thing that really hacks me off is the way that people refer to prospective dating partners as "females" or "males". Carry on doing it if you like but it makes the target seem like an object, rather than a person in his or her own right.


What hacks me off is someone being critical of how I or someone else say something, but do not offer suggest alternative ways of doing it. If you are going to criticize someone in the future, then suggest a way to change their behaivor. Otherwise we will just keep doing the same thing



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13 Mar 2011, 8:04 am

been in a few, not in one currently, well sorta am though. Both myself and a coworker, we already acknowledged we like eachother and all that, but due to work schedules not matching up (she being in a totally different department and time in and out), we really can't hook up. So all it is at the moment is two people intensely liking eachother but can't do a damn thing about it.


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Chronos
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13 Mar 2011, 8:31 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Chronos wrote:
how do you determine that girls with AS date NT men any more than guys with AS date NT women?


He probably doesn't have any proof, but I'll bet he's right. It stands to reason. Women are -don't seem to be, but ARE- much more critical of a guy's approach, personality, self confidence, and ability to read social cues, than a male would be of a female.


Equally, in terms of dating, there are things men are much more critical of in women, even if they are not consciously aware of it.


CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Being on the spectrum can compromise all these qualities. Awkwardness actually isn't more tolerated in women, but if a woman can't pull of a smooth persona, she can always be a little quieter and pass herself off as shy. Now I don't know any man who would get turned off by a shy woman, so long as they found her somewhat attractive and nice. While a female lacking in social skills might attract the wrong kind of guy, it's just not as much of a deal breaker over all. An decent looking girl with AS can attract a male. A guy that can't navigate those subtle social cues won't be forgiven.


Most women with AS can't pull off a smooth persona. A man might not get turned off by a shy woman, but it's not seen as attractive at any point in her life, whereas, I happen to know that 15 year old girls tend to love shy teenage boys. As for decent looking girls with AS being able to attract a man, first I think we would have to agree on what decent looking is because your idea of decent looking might actually require a keen fashion sense, hundreds of dollars in beauty products, and the ability to style one's own hair, and as a woman with AS, I tend to find such a level of decent looking hard to achieve or maintain. Other than that, I do consider myself decent looking, yet I'm rarely approached by men...one every few years, and and they do tend to be the wrong type of men. The first one was a guy in his 50's who tried to get me into his car when I was 17.

There are certain social cues that a guy can get in trouble for not understanding, pertaining to physical relations. For example, he may mis-read a woman and make a move, such as touch her, or kiss her, when that was NOT what she wanted. But a woman with AS can also misread social cues and be touched or kissed when she did not want to be, and may have difficulty distinguishing men with honorable intentions from men who are dangerous. So in this sense, not being able to read social cues is no less a problem for women as it is for men.

But NT women generally tend to be forgiving of a lot of AS traits, or at least willing to overlook them aside from the occasional rant they type on here, whereas NT men do notice when their wives or girlfriends are emotionally "cold" or don't like to be touched, or so on.

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
If you don't believe there are different standards, then ask yourself, if a guy has low muscle tone, don't you think it would be more detrimental than if a girl didn't have muscle tone?


Honestly I've never heard women talk about muscle tone when talking about guys. They might notice if their boyfriend is muscular, but it's not high on the list of priorities for most women.

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
If a man has low social status, don't you think it would be more damaging to his chances than if a woman does? On the flip side, if a girl has a reputation for being crude and domineering, it works against her more than it would a guy.

We can probably all think of exceptions, but I think women on the spectrum have a better chance making it with a NT guy than a guy with AS or whatever would have getting a NT woman.


Correction, women on the spectrum have a better chance at finding an NT guy who wants to have sex with her, than a man on the spectrum has at finding an NT women who wants to have sex with him. But as far as a woman on the spectrum finding an NT guy she is compatible with who wants to have an actual relationship with her, and is willing to accept her eccentricities, I don't think women have any better a chance than men on the spectrum.



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13 Mar 2011, 8:39 am

mikeseagle wrote:
If you are going to criticize someone in the future, then suggest a way to change their behaivor. Otherwise we will just keep doing the same thing


How about just "NT women" or "non-AS ladies" or similar? 'Females' sounds too clinical and object-like. It's the sort of thing a man might jocularly say in a pub to his mates.



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13 Mar 2011, 8:40 am

striver26 wrote:
How was it? Was she alright with you being an Aspie?


Actually, ive only dated one woman (IRL, pathetic chatrooms does not count) who i told that i'm very certain that i had Aspergers. She was a bit different herself, she had herself sterilised because she didnt like kids and had some issues as well. Asperger never came up as a subject more than once and that topic lasted maby 2 minutes.

But in the end it did not matter, she was attractive and all that and she told me the same, the problem was that there were no "fire" so we ended it after 2 dates. (btw these 2 dates (jan-feb this year) were my first ones since June 2006). Right now i have de-registered from the dating site because i cannot be arsed to bother with dating anymore (i'm DYING to get a girlfriend, but if i cannot find what i want...). Its basically the same types that hang around there and most of them will never qualify for mensa membership, if you know what i mean.

My advice is this: Most people are morons, they cannot see the difference between psychopathy and aspergers. Keep it to yourself. Some girls are really open minded or have experience with it, but most people are not.


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mikeseagle
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13 Mar 2011, 9:45 am

Tequila wrote:
mikeseagle wrote:
If you are going to criticize someone in the future, then suggest a way to change their behaivor. Otherwise we will just keep doing the same thing


How about just "NT women" or "non-AS ladies" or similar? 'Females' sounds too clinical and object-like. It's the sort of thing a man might jocularly say in a pub to his mates.


I disagree with one of your points. Male or female is a acceptable way to describe someone's gender. Just because some people in a pub might use it to turn a person into a object doesn't mean that is my or anyone else's intention when using that word(s).

I do agree that male or female is too clinical. Man or Woman is better for casual conversation such as this forum.



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13 Mar 2011, 9:56 am

The girls I've dated have all been "neurotypical", but I got the sense that the OP was talking about the hyper-social, stereotyped subset of NTs. I dated a girl like that for 4 years and it was extremely difficult but it was good times for sure.


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13 Mar 2011, 11:00 am

SadAspy wrote:
An NT girl wouldn't date an Aspy guy unless he made a lot of money.

Of course, Aspy girls date NT guys.

If the girl has low self-esteem it improves the guy's chances immeasurably.



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13 Mar 2011, 11:07 am

amazon_television wrote:
The girls I've dated have all been "neurotypical", but I got the sense that the OP was talking about the hyper-social, stereotyped subset of NTs. I dated a girl like that for 4 years and it was extremely difficult but it was good times for sure.


Well that's ridiculous, lots of NT's aren't that way. I live with various NT family members who all have different social needs.



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13 Mar 2011, 11:56 am

I'm just speaking from experience....

The few Aspies I've known who ended up in relationships made money. I didn't say women only care about money, but it does seem to be the only way they overlook something like AS.

Likewise, I've known Aspy girls who dated NT guys. Aspy girls are no different from NT ones in the type of guys they prefer-extroverted, socially confident, etc.



Last edited by SadAspy on 15 Mar 2011, 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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13 Mar 2011, 12:00 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
Chronos wrote:
how do you determine that girls with AS date NT men any more than guys with AS date NT women?


He probably doesn't have any proof, but I'll bet he's right. It stands to reason. Women are -don't seem to be, but ARE- much more critical of a guy's approach, personality, self confidence, and ability to read social cues, than a male would be of a female. Being on the spectrum can compromise all these qualities. Awkwardness actually isn't more tolerated in women, but if a woman can't pull of a smooth persona, she can always be a little quieter and pass herself off as shy. Now I don't know any man who would get turned off by a shy woman, so long as they found her somewhat attractive and nice. While a female lacking in social skills might attract the wrong kind of guy, it's just not as much of a deal breaker over all. An decent looking girl with AS can attract a male. A guy that can't navigate those subtle social cues won't be forgiven.

If you don't believe there are different standards, then ask yourself, if a guy has low muscle tone, don't you think it would be more detrimental than if a girl didn't have muscle tone? If a man has low social status, don't you think it would be more damaging to his chances than if a woman does? On the flip side, if a girl has a reputation for being crude and domineering, it works against her more than it would a guy.

We can probably all think of exceptions, but I think women on the spectrum have a better chance making it with a NT guy than a guy with AS or whatever would have getting a NT woman.


This.

Men care mostly about looks....I'm a guy and I'll admit this!

Women do care some about looks, but they care even more about social skills.



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13 Mar 2011, 12:18 pm

Ive only ever dated NT women.

There has been in a big change over the years though. Not in them but in me. As they say happens, the symptoms of AS lessen as you age and you develop coping mechanism. With my first gf, I would often sit behind her while we were speaking because I didnt like her looking directly at me. :lol: I would never even think of doing crazy things like that today. Though I had other problems to work through over the years and still have some today.



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13 Mar 2011, 12:41 pm

For some of you, getting to date a women of the same species is an achievement.


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13 Mar 2011, 12:56 pm

striver26 wrote:
How was it? Was she alright with you being an Aspie?


It was fine. I wasn't as passionately into her as I could have been but that's because I'm just more into men than I am women. It took a few girlfriends (all of them were NT but none lasted as long as the one I'm specifically referencing here) for me to figure out that I'm just better being passively attracted to women and live straight-acting. She was smart, funny and knew a lot about art and music. She had a lot more friends than me and that was intimidating. I didn't know I was an aspie then. Lord only knows what she found attractive in me. I don't know if a relationship with an aspie women would go better for me but since I'm married and monogamous, that'll be one of life's unanswered questions.