I talked to her. Now what?

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This is a follow up to this thread:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3580355.html

I saw the girl at work again. I said hi to her and asked her what her name was. She seemed surprised, but happy about it. I don't think I creeped her out, because she came over and talked to me a couple of times after that. Mostly we talked about how I didn't have a Facebook page until just recently.

Only minutes after I talked to her, my friend goes up to her and talks to her. Later he said he got her phone number. Last time I checked (within the last couple weeks), he was with a different girl, so I don't know what's going on here. Why the fu¢k did he have to do that? Out of all the girls he could have chosen, why did he have to ask out the one girl who showed an interest in me, and only minutes after I talked to her? He totally ruined everything.

So I need some advice here. It seems no matter what I do, something always comes along and knocks it down. I have horrible luck. Is there anything I can do now to get her back? I feel like I never had a fair chance.

Sounds like he's not a very good friend, and she's trouble. Did your friend know that you were interested in the girl? If he knew, then he committed a major social blunder by getting her phone number. This is one of the major social rules of friendship and dating, that you don't "steal" dating partners from your friends. Did the girl know that he is your friend? If so, then she was acting maliciously by giving out her number, thus driving a wedge between you and your friend. Conclusions you should draw depend on who knew what and when.

Sounds like your friend is a guy and he noticed that the girl wasn't all that into you or that you were not going to bust a move.

Numbers are entirely meaningless, btw. I wouldn't be very concerned. Move on to the next girl, they're a dime a dozen. If one was attracted to you, another will be attracted to you and you can probably meet her within the next few days.

Neither of us know the girl. I don't think he was aware that I was interested in her.

Numbers are entirely meaningless? What do you mean by that. Do you mean that it doesn't imply that he was asking her out, or do you mean that it doesn't matter because I can find another girl? I don't find anyone else attractive.

Don't ever do that until you've had sex with the girl many times and you guys are either in a relationship or about to be.

I mean that girls give away their numbers willy nilly these days. I've gotten numbers from girls that ended up rejecting me for a date more times than I've gotten numbers from girls that I've actually gone on dates with.

Don't be petty and compete with your friend over this girl. He was faster than you and just because you have a crush on her does not mean you have any say over this girl. The early bird gets the chick.

I've inadvertently done what your friend just did without even knowing my friend had a crush on the girl. The girl just liked me more than my friend.

If she's more interested in you, him getting her number won't make a difference. Maybe she just thought you weren't gonna make a move? Good luck

yeah, exactly.

personally, i put so little investment into girls during that initial stage. so, if a friend were to do this with me, i really wouldn't care. girls are easy come, easy go. some guys totally throw customs out the window when dealing with women; it's just part of the psychosis of being male, i guess.

unless she's REALLY special and you guys can have amazing conversations where you both expand each other's minds (i.e. not just this flirty banter BS), then the best thing you'll get out of this is some sex, affection, and heartbreak. anybody can give you that. what's the point of losing a friend over something so superficial?

i hate competing with anybody for a girl. they're so plentiful and transient once you get them that it's like you don't have a relationship with one girl, but just this succession of women that pass through your life over the years. sometimes you get lucky and find one you can settle down and have a family with. every other girl before that woman was just practice in dealing with the female species.

So your friend didn't do anything wrong because he didn't know the situation. In any case, your friend's chances with getting her number were better because he's an "outsider" and thus easier to get away from than a co-worker would be. An exit plan is part of the decision before starting dating, and women won't tell you this.

I've made the mistake of "locking on" to one I thought might have been interested in me, and that was a mistake because it made me unduly distracted and may have delayed my work. Being too hung up on someone is a mistake that takes experience to avoid making.

RoadGames and Stellar sums up my thoughts.

Don't get emotionally invested before you approach someone. you are pinning your self-esteem, and all your worth on something that hasn't materialized, and you are only asking for a world of hurt. Move on and date/bang another girl. If you see your best mate getting all wound up if you did the same to him or you see him making moves on girls you'd like to date in the future, then get rid of him too. And still chat it up with that girl that your friend just took and wait for that perfect opportunity - when she breaks up with her current BF - to hang out and possibly date her. And even if you don't get with her, you'll still have a good "hot" friend.

I don't even remember the names of some of the girls I didn't have sex with! The girls I've made out with I can't even remember sometimes. I actually think about two of the girls out of that list on a daily basis and I've had a relationship with both of them. If all of these girls had a piece of my heart, I would have no heart left!!

There are girls whose numbers I took to appease them in an effort to get them to go away (probably around a 1/4 of them?). Just look at how god damn long that list is and how many of those girls actually meant anything by giving me their numbers. Not that many. I stopped sending them anything outside of a default first text message after a few months of this "hey you seemed pretty [adjective], let's grab a coffee sometime this week -roadgames" After another few months I stopped taking numbers unless I had made out with the girl, she offered her number without me asking, I was trying to get her to go away, or she showed some serious interest in another form (long flirty conversation, sustained eye contact, constantly hanging around me, etc). This last thing has made me waste my time a whole lot less.

Delete her number if she says anything like "let me check my schedule..." when you ask her out. Nobody keeps a god damn schedule unless they're a professional of some kind.

You'd be surprised how cool some girls can be after they reject you, so don't worry about rejection. I'm friends with most of those girls that don't have asterisks next to them. The ones that don't get asked out very often will be sort of cautious around you or even avoidant, so just avoid them too in order to make them feel more comfortable. You'd also be surprised by how little signals some girls you wind up hooking up with send. Almost every girl I've actually gotten to come out for coffee I've hooked up with and I'm not exactly an aggressive guy by any means. I don't even have my own apartment, so that makes anything really creepy impossible. One girl went as far as getting me drunk/high in her bedroom right after the coffee date. The rest of them invited me back to their dorms or apartments within the next day or two. Things happen really fast when you make connections and come off as a guy that cares (which I do).

So really, don't worry about this chick.

Last edited by roadGames on 29 Apr 2011, 4:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Roadgames, you really aren't getting the point, the OP is shy. Your bragging about your conquests isn't helping establish his perspective. Your points have been good, the last post was gratuitous.

Lord of the Monkeys, the girl isn't anyone's property, she is free to date or befriend whomever she pleases. If you are truly interested, continue the dialog with her. She isn't a race or a conquest and the term 'competing' sounds so exclusionary, harking back to days when brute strength determined the outcomes of such proceedings with 'winner take all'.

BTW LotM, how is it your friend doesn't know about your interest if you're on here telling all of us?

Last edited by Dinosaw on 29 Apr 2011, 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's not so much a matter of shyness. The problem was that I just wanted to get to know her a bit first before pursuing a relationship - asking her out, getting her number, etc. I didn't want her to think I was taking it too fast. Apparently, that wasn't the way to go, because my friend got her number in their very first conversation. The weird thing is he told my other friend Booker about it. Booker knew that I liked the girl, as I had told him earlier. Whether he told him about it I don't know.

A lot of women do not like it when you begin the dating process with the mindset of pursuing a relationship. It doesn't make all that much sense because lots of them eventually want a committed relationship with you after you guys have been hooking up for a little while.

I asked my friend about it and he said he's still dating his old girlfriend. So this girl is still available. She doesn't work again until next Saturday, though, so I won't be able to talk to her for a while. When I see her again, what should I say to her? I need to know what is the right moment to ask her out. I don't want to look too aggressive, but I don't want to get in the friend zone either.

the right moment to ask her out is ASAP. there is no such thing as too aggressive when the girl is into you.