A word to the guys with Asperger disorder.

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Moog
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15 May 2011, 12:05 am

ConfusedDude wrote:
Do you ever think that girls or women had ever tell you that you're weird? Because they've told me an it hurt a little bit. :cry:


Of course.


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Magnus_Rex
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15 May 2011, 12:12 am

But I didn't try to pretend. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to pretend to be something other than myself.

And judging by my [sarcasm]success with women[/sarcasm], I would say that, while I do agree that not all girls dislike shyness, they are a minority. Unless I learn some basic acting skills (or, alternatively, get over my anxiety), I won't be dating anyone anytime soon.



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15 May 2011, 1:27 am

Magnus_Rex wrote:
But I didn't try to pretend. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to pretend to be something other than myself.

And judging by my [sarcasm]success with women[/sarcasm], I would say that, while I do agree that not all girls dislike shyness, they are a minority. Unless I learn some basic acting skills (or, alternatively, get over my anxiety), I won't be dating anyone anytime soon.


If you're yourself, you'll attract people who like who you are. People who don't like who you are will not be attracted to you.

If you pretend to be someone else, people who would like who you are will not be attracted to you. People who don't like you will figure you out and your relationship will get really bad really fast.

It's true: People who are attracted to shyness are in the minority. Does that mean you don't want to be with someone who will appreciate you for who you are? Is a minority worse for a relationship because you'll run into them less?

With this kind of thinking, you don't want a relationship for the emotional benefit of it. You want a relationship to have a relationship. You want it for the external aspects (as some might say), not for the internal aspects.


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jrjones9933
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15 May 2011, 8:24 am

I agree with the necessity to be oneself. Still, trying new things can feel difficult at first and become easy with practice. Self-acceptance for me includes accepting my ability to gain new skills. I can be good, and get even better.



Kaysea
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15 May 2011, 2:03 pm

When a girl/woman calls you "weird", it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have found that women often find it ('weirdness') endearing. They may also be trying to flirt. I tend to pick on myself for being weird when talking to girls and it seems to work well.



ConfusedDude
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15 May 2011, 3:00 pm

Yes but I'll never know if it was a compliment or an insult.



Mike_the_EE
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15 May 2011, 4:13 pm

I actually had a woman at work completely convinced that I was non-corporal (AKA, a ghost)! I would get the strangest looks from her and I never could figure out why. Finally, she asked a coworker of mine who assured her that I was real. Her comment was, "I never see him come and I never see him go, he's there and then he's gone!" I guess that the Aspie lack of body language didn't help either.


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obichris
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15 May 2011, 7:35 pm

MrLoony wrote:
If you're yourself, you'll attract people who like who you are. People who don't like who you are will not be attracted to you.

If you pretend to be someone else, people who would like who you are will not be attracted to you. People who don't like you will figure you out and your relationship will get really bad really fast.

It's true: People who are attracted to shyness are in the minority. Does that mean you don't want to be with someone who will appreciate you for who you are? Is a minority worse for a relationship because you'll run into them less?

With this kind of thinking, you don't want a relationship for the emotional benefit of it. You want a relationship to have a relationship. You want it for the external aspects (as some might say), not for the internal aspects.


This explains all relationships I have, both "interests" and "friends". They see my "coping" personality and are ok with being around me. Once the layers peel back and they get to see me more relaxed, I scare them away. It has happened with everyone except family and one friend.



MrLoony
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15 May 2011, 9:19 pm

ConfusedDude wrote:
Yes but I'll never know if it was a compliment or an insult.


Assume it's a compliment.


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Brandon_M
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15 May 2011, 11:47 pm

A psych professor I once had was also a counselor at a high school. He dealt with kids that had behavioral problems to mental/somatic/neurological. Anyways, he said while working with autistics, he realized they usually think if someone looks at you, or whispers to each other or says something suspicious/negative aloud while you're in the room or walking by, they are quick to assume it's about them. Accordingly, he said people are usually too involved with their own lives to watch the moves you make in your own, much less read too deeply into them. In fact, if NT's were talking about you/shooting a dirty look, their tell tale signs would be so subtle, it would likely blow over an aspie's head (even most NT's for that matter). Unless they are really outspoken or person in question is doing something suspicious (beyond some normal aspie behavior) or despicable, they would either let it go or very subtly gesture when you're not looking (or when you leave). This is provided they even looked at you long enough to form an opinion. In short, NT's usually think little about first glance unless it's positive. If they do notice, a half hour later it's as forgotten as yesterday's lunch. This opened a new door for me, as I realized it was true. The professor will never know what a valuable lesson he had taught me that lecture. Thank you, good sir!

If you go to the mall, how many stranger's faces would you remember once you walk out? How many noteworthy interactions between other's (not including yourself) can you recall? Probably not many, right? Given this postulate, it would be my guess that we would remember even more than an NT would, but only from our own insecurity. If you dwell on details of past mistakes or awkwardness, the faces involved are encoded along with that memory.



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16 May 2011, 9:17 am

Brandon M, thanks very much for posting that. I believe it, but I haven't integrated it yet, and hearing it again with more detail from a friendly source helps.



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17 May 2011, 9:07 am

Keeno wrote:
A word to those who call Asperger's a disorder: we do not call it a "disorder" here. That's what I always say when our local society meets, that we do not call it a disorder here, I'm a stickler for that, we call it a condition if anything.


Autism IS a disorder, and is included and labelled as such in the DSM.
I don't know who is this "we" you speak of- I have no problem with medical terminology.



ValentineWiggin
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17 May 2011, 9:10 am

MrLoony wrote:

If you're yourself, you'll attract people who like who you are. People who don't like who you are will not be attracted to you.

If you pretend to be someone else, people who would like who you are will not be attracted to you. People who don't like you will figure you out and your relationship will get really bad really fast.

It's true: People who are attracted to shyness are in the minority. Does that mean you don't want to be with someone who will appreciate you for who you are? Is a minority worse for a relationship because you'll run into them less?

With this kind of thinking, you don't want a relationship for the emotional benefit of it. You want a relationship to have a relationship. You want it for the external aspects (as some might say), not for the internal aspects.



QFT!



obichris
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17 May 2011, 9:30 am

Sorry, but what is "QFT!"?



ValentineWiggin
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17 May 2011, 9:39 am

obichris wrote:
Sorry, but what is "QFT!"?


Whoa! Check this out, newbs! It's like a world library of knowledge!

Google- "QFT"



SiegePerilous
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18 May 2011, 1:08 am

There are people who make whole careers out of being weird. Look at Frank Zappa, or Tom Waits.

The trick is to develop your own unique brand of weird. Then you stop being weird and start becoming memorable.