My first date, and I don't go to it as a date

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Heya folks!

I need some advice on the... well "date" I will be going to on friday. I call it "date" and not date, because to me, it is not a date. I don't consider it a date, I don't see it as a date, I don't go to it as a date, and I don't want this to be a date.
Quick rundown of the situation: She is one of my longest friends from highschool, what you would call a wild child, a punk, really (piercings, tatoos, all that stuff), very attractive (way out of my league), and apart from having always dealt with the wrong people (drug addicts, low-life human garbage that treated her like dirt, which is part of the reason why I got more distance between us because it was really hard being her friend just seeing how she deliberately chose jerks as her boyfriends that don't even deserve to breath the same air as her, and not being able to do something about it), she really is a smart person and one of the few people on this planet that I have the remove feeling might understand me. Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, we met again and I somehow had the feeling that she was coming on to me, because she mentioned things like the breakup with her last boyfriend and topics like love and relationships extraordinarily often. However, she somehow tried again with him, and it suited me well since I didn't want to be bothered with trying to figure this stuff out. Now, she called me today and asked me out to do something on friday (to be exact: she wants to go to the zoo, which is extremely random number on, and number two, does seem like somethin I would actually enjoy, as opposed to... something like going to a party, a club, which would be something she'd usually do). Now let me tell you the punch line: We talked on the phone, I agreed going with her, and guess what: She said "Ok, so we have a date then!". She used that word. Not me. Of course, you might say, some people use that word in a more innocuous way, with friends and family, just to make clear that a certain planned activity is now carried out on a fixed date. As my heritage would suggest, we were having this conversation in german. Thing is, she did use the term "date". And in Germany, if you use the english term "date", you mean date, as in: a man and a woman going out together in a - more or less - romantic fashion. I did not know what to say, so I just said something like: Ok then, see you there. For me, this is not a date. But for her, I guess, it is. How do I do that? How do I go on a date that is not a date but somehow it is? Our expecations in this meeting seem to be outrageously different, and I cannot see why all of a sudden, after we barely had contact over the last five years, she approaches me and asks me out for a date. A DATE. Not only with one of my best friends, but with someone who has a completely different lifestyle, has more romantic and sexual experience than I would not even gather if I had 10 lifes to live, and to top it off, is just visually so much more attractive than me, that I really have to what she would want with me (without exaggerating: she literally works part time as a model. A MODEL). Apart from the fact that we seem to work on the same wavelength mentally, there is nothing on earth that could probably make a foundation for a dating relationship. And as a bonus, I simply do no want this to get a negative impact on our friendship. Maybe I am interpreting a little much into it, but she called it a date. And she knows I got Asperger's, so she had to know that I was going to take her by her wording.

What the heck am I gonna do? I really don't wanna talk about it with her, since there is the chance that I misjudged her intentions and make a complete fool of myself. Then again, she might really consider it a real date, and if I just went with her without me being... well "datey", she might be disappointed and think I don't like her or anything.

I know, wall of text, but this is as close to a date I EVER was in my life, and it is driving me insane.

only way to find out without talking to her about it is to go along and see what happens...

or maybe mention to her that you was thinking of inviting someone else along too because, erm, they like zoos(?). don't have to actually invite them but it will let her know that you aren't treating it as a date-date.

Hey this must be quite common, because Ive just had a similar thing happen to me a few weeks ago where I agreed to meet some one to go climbing because our friends suggested we would get along well. After I agreed to meet him I kept thinking does he think this is a date or just a sporting activity?

Anyway I decided just to go and have fun and if he wanted to turn it into a date by touching or kissing me then I would try not to look surprised and if he didnt I would try not to be disappointed. So I went and he turned out to be as quiet/timid/shy as I am but I did have fun and enjoyed the moment After another 5 meetings to be honest I still dont know whether he is considering me as a climbing partner or in a romantic way but Im sure time will tell.

So back to you, from what you said about this girl, you wouldnt mind if it was a real date and she sounds like she has the confidence try to hold your hand or do something more if she wants to hint that it is a date. So why not leave it up to her to decide what happens. Plus if you tell yourself it isnt a date ie your not required to pick the right moment to kiss her then you will probably be more relaxed and be yourself and something might happen naturally.

So my advice would be to go and have fun. You never know whats going to happen.
Que sera sera. Geniesse das leben!

quote="starryeyedvoyager

I need some advice on the... well "date" I will be going to on friday. I call it "date" and not date, because to me, it is not a date. I don't consider it a date, I don't see it as a date, I don't go to it as a date, and I don't want this to be a date.

Quick rundown of the situation: She is one of my longest friends from highschool, what you would call a wild child, a punk, really (piercings, tatoos, all that stuff), very attractive (way out of my league), and apart from having always dealt with the wrong people (drug addicts, low-life human garbage that treated her like dirt, which is part of the reason why I got more distance between us because it was really hard being her friend just seeing how she deliberately chose jerks as her boyfriends that don't even deserve to breath the same air as her, and not being able to do something about it), she really is a smart person and one of the few people on this planet that I have the remove feeling might understand me.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, we met again and I somehow had the feeling that she was coming on to me, because she mentioned things like the breakup with her last boyfriend and topics like love and relationships extraordinarily often. However, she somehow tried again with him, and it suited me well since I didn't want to be bothered with trying to figure this stuff out.

Now, she called me today and asked me out to do something on friday (to be exact: she wants to go to the zoo, which is extremely random number on, and number two, does seem like somethin I would actually enjoy, as opposed to... something like going to a party, a club, which would be something she'd usually do). Now let me tell you the punch line: We talked on the phone, I agreed going with her, and guess what: She said "Ok, so we have a date then!".

She used that word. Not me. Of course, you might say, some people use that word in a more innocuous way, with friends and family, just to make clear that a certain planned activity is now carried out on a fixed date. As my heritage would suggest, we were having this conversation in german. Thing is, she did use the term "date". And in Germany, if you use the english term "date", you mean date, as in: a man and a woman going out together in a - more or less - romantic fashion. I did not know what to say, so I just said something like: Ok then, see you there. For me, this is not a date. But for her, I guess, it is. How do I do that?

How do I go on a date that is not a date but somehow it is? Our expecations in this meeting seem to be outrageously different, and I cannot see why all of a sudden, after we barely had contact over the last five years, she approaches me and asks me out for a date.

A DATE. Not only with one of my best friends, but with someone who has a completely different lifestyle, has more romantic and sexual experience than I would not even gather if I had 10 lifes to live, and to top it off, is just visually so much more attractive than me, that I really have to what she would want with me (without exaggerating: she literally works part time as a model. A MODEL).
Apart from the fact that we seem to work on the same wavelength mentally, there is nothing on earth that could probably make a foundation for a dating relationship. And as a bonus, I simply do no want this to get a negative impact on our friendship. Maybe I am interpreting a little much into it, but she called it a date. And she knows I got Asperger's, so she had to know that I was going to take her by her wording.

What the heck am I gonna do? I really don't wanna talk about it with her, since there is the chance that I misjudged her intentions and make a complete fool of myself. Then again, she might really consider it a real date, and if I just went with her without me being... well "datey", she might be disappointed and think I don't like her or anything.

I know, wall of text, but this is as close to a date I EVER was in my life, and it is driving me insane.

Thanks for your input so far y'all!

Thing is, this is actually what I am scared of. What if she really is going to take this whole "date" into a funny direction and wants to start... stuff. I really would not know how to react to that, as I have no experience whatsoever, and being that she has been "around the block" if you know what I mean, I doubt this whole affair would be too pleasurable for her. I just cannot figure her out at the moment, cause even IF she hat romantic interest in me, we go on that "date", and then what? There is absolutely no way on earth me and a woman like she is are going to have anything resembling something anyone would call a relationship, no sir.
Oh well, I guess I'll just go and see what happens. Being spontaneous is my really strong side! (note: I am being sarcastic). I guess you gotta know her - and me, in that extend - to truly understand how absurd this whole situation is, you gotta know what kind of guy she usually is going for (small, slim, pretty boys who like like they are teenagers, with piercings and tattoos), how this is so extremely out of the ordinary for her to do stuff like that, heck, to do stuff just with one other person. I'll sleep over it, still got one day to go, but at the moment, I consider not to go and make up an excuse (which is something I hate doing and in 99% of the cases, I avoid). The thing that confuses me the most is that it comes out of nowhere. It is not like we started seeing each other again on a regular basis, I see her maybe once, twice a year, and that's about it, and we just meet at my place to talk about the old days, or lately, I helped her with some legal stuff she had issues with, and suddenly - BOOM - from one day to the next, we have a date. Like, seriously, what the f**k?

Good luck starryeyedvoyager, but here several points that you need to keep them in mind:

1- You are putting her too high on a pedestal. if she really always deliberately chose jerks several times as you say then she's not that ideal person, of course I am not saying she's a b***h, but not ideal. Start to see her as a human (who is subject to 'sins') rather than a victim saint.

2- You were most likely in the friend zone, you always liked her as more than a friend and she probably knew it but she was used to see as a friend (or just as complain listener?). So be aware that you may be way more attracted to her than she's attracted to you, there's certainly an imbalance of attraction here so it might take a lot of time to balance it.

3- You might be the Plan B guy or the spare guy, you need to confront any sign of this quickly. If she exhibits any sign that you are a second choice to her or just another option then be blunt and rude about this and never tolerate it ("Ie. I am not your spare boyfriend if that's why you're thinking!!").

are you just nervous because you haven't been on a date etc? dates aren't all that different from hanging out with a good friend, just gooooo. if she likes you, she likes you... don't question it.

Just go to the zoo, have fun, try to be inclusive of herself as well. If she would like to see certain exhibits especially, make a point to make time during the visit.

If you suspect she might want a bit more than you expect, or maybe a more of you than you're comfortable with, make sure you know that for yourself and feel comfortable letting her know where your boundaries are. If she's cool with that, great. If she's not, it's best you two find that out early. You shouldn't feel too bad telling her that you didn't expect "a", or that "b" was a little uncomfortable.

Intrinsically comely people may be treated somewhat differently than most others, but they're generally people still. Be there hanging out with her because you like her company. Be flexible about how things are going, but be there for your reasons above anyone else's.

Maybe she wants to try spending time with a non-scumbag for a change, perhaps someone who she already knows somewhat and feels relatively safe with. This would be yourself, in case you haven't caught on

Have a fun Friday!

Firstly she may have chosen you because she has realised that all the other guys she has chosen to go out with have not treated her well and she realised someone like you is just what she needs.

Secondly I agree that

Allright, this is it. I'll post the "results" when I'm back. Let's just hope she does not get any funny ideas.

Allright, as promised, here are the results: Everything went better than expected. This may sound weird, but I feared she would be a little more... direct, which thank god she was not. Allthough she made compliments how she almost did not recognize me because I lost so much weight (which is the first time I believed a compliment, since I literally walked right up into her face until she noticed me), and that she liked that I let my hair grow longer again (she called it cute, but there is no part of me that defines as cute). At the beginning, she was very touch-happy. She initiated - or lets say tried to initiate - alot of physical contact, touching me when she was laughing (which was alot, feld a bit forced some times), getting close to me when were looking at something or taking my hand when she wanted to show me something. She also made some photos, which I normally hate, but I let her have her ways in that regard since I figured there was no point in arguing. Surprisingly, I had a really great time, even though it was really straining. Thankfully, we did not talk about "the old days" that much, because I hate talking about my time at school, and at the end, she did not bother with doing that much touching anymore, since I just did not respond to it, hoping that eventually she'd just give up. When we left, she asked me if I wanted to join her to her place, but of course I refused, since I had stuff planned with my friends tonight (wasn't even lying, had a night planned with my guys for some exciting roleplaying games).
Summing it up, I guess this somehow was a date, as far as I can tell, or let's just say something close to it. I do not know if she was really just a little clingy because of her break-up with her boyfriend, or if she really was dating me, but I have come to a point were I just don't care. Been along time since I spent time with a woman (and just the woman) and I did not make a complete fool out of myself, and even if that'd be the only thing I had from this "date", then I'd call it a day., Let's just hope she did not have too much fun (not that I could tell, that's why I hope) and asks me "out on a date" again soon. I swear I am so exhausted right now that I cannot even fall asleep Thanks again for your support