What to consider when living with your partner?

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sunflowerpip
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05 Jul 2011, 4:53 pm

In a couple of weeks time I shall be moving out to live with my AS boyfriend. It's quite a stressful/exciting/emotional time XD

But anyway...what things should be considered when you live with your partner? - in general.
I'm not really talking about things like who pays which bills etc and those type of agreements.
Although these are important too...but my situation is that I'll be moving into his family's home, and so any arrangements like that I will make with his parents.

What I really mean is...how can a couple adjust from living apart to suddenly living together? What changes should be considered so you are both emotionally happy with the transition?

We're both really happy with this decision...but as its a very small house, and his family will be there too, essentially we will only have the same one bedroom for personal space/privacy.

I know having a personal time is important for him to pursue his hobbies, and I need my time for my own interests too. And we both understand that we will have to share chores.

But...what other things will help living together?
It'll be very different going from being a guest staying over at his home to actually living there, and I want to make as less stressful for us both as possible.



hartzofspace
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05 Jul 2011, 6:05 pm

I once had this arrangement. It did not work out. I lived with my then boyfriend in his house, along with his mother, his father, his nephew, and his 2 brothers. His whole family were horrible slobs and I spent a lot of time cleaning up after them because I cannot stand disorder and filth. Then I found that his mother did not like me and that she spent a lot of time telling lies about me to my boyfriend. I finally had to move out.

While I am not saying that this will happen to you, be aware that there could be unknown problems that arise when moving into the home of someone else. Sometimes those problems don't arise immediately, either. As for your boyfriend being on the spectrum, be prepared to give him lots of down time and space, because he may feel claustrophobic. He may need some alone/down time in the room that you share, meaning that you may have to hang out someplace else for a few hours everyday. Aspies need time to de-compress periodically, and we do this best when completely alone. If I think of anything else, I'll post it.


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Gwenwyn
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05 Jul 2011, 6:22 pm

It wouldn't hurt to have your own alone time, either. Since you can't have separate rooms for personal space in which to unwind, it might help if you or he can find a secluded park or almost-always-empty coffee shop or something of the sort. Finding a person-free area is hard >_< They're always runnin about, gibbering on... but seriously, people are everywhere. -_-'



Lene
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05 Jul 2011, 6:51 pm

Quote:
We're both really happy with this decision...but as its a very small house, and his family will be there too,


Living together is one thing, living with his family though... could be a minefield.

You'll need to be very careful of their need for personal space too; they're used to a family unit and you're coming in as an outisider. If you're lucky you already know them and get along well, but I still don't think it will be easy.

Mind if I ask, why are you moving in with him?



K_W
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05 Jul 2011, 10:57 pm

SEX... This will make or break the deal. If you move in expecting it, or more importantly, expecting to remain a virgin, he may have other ideas. If you think it wont happen, think again... two people living together usually end up having sex at some point. OR if you think it's going to be so fun having sex whenever you want, you may find his preferences are much different than your own. Talk about the details before you move in so you know what to expect.

Also know the rules his parents have regarding it and respect them, I found this out the hard way.

Talk about it. And use protection, because almost nothing costs more than kids.



quietbird
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06 Jul 2011, 12:33 am

K_W wrote:
SEX...


She didn't mention sex at all, am I missing something?

I second the idea of personal space. You both need to understand that you're going to need alone time. Not every minute of every day will you both be paying attention to each other in the same way as you did when you were visiting one another or going out to participate in activities.

Expect the relationship to become, over time, less exciting and random and more routine and comfortable. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, but if it's unexpected when it happens it can lead to feelings of disappointment.

It does open up new avenues for fun, though. You can more easily surprise one another with unexpected dinners, massages, etc.

As for the living with his family part, I'd seriously reconsider. Seriously. You should both move out. The only way that could be even remotely tolerable is if you had, say, the entire upper story of the house to yourselves, a guesthouse, or something along those lines. 1 bedroom and a whole house is cramped for a couple; sharing the common areas with his family is going to suck.

Part of the fun of being a couple with your own place is the freedom to manage the household your own way, to act goofy, and to have total privacy together. Another benefit is that you can split rent and utilities making your own place more affordable.



K_W
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06 Jul 2011, 12:39 am

quietbird wrote:
K_W wrote:
SEX...


She didn't mention sex at all, am I missing something?


Two people of the opposite sex cannot live together with out it being a factor, and it is a huge factor.



quietbird
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06 Jul 2011, 1:08 am

K_W wrote:
quietbird wrote:
K_W wrote:
SEX...


She didn't mention sex at all, am I missing something?


Two people of the opposite sex cannot live together with out it being a factor, and it is a huge factor.


I'd have to strongly disagree with that.



K_W
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06 Jul 2011, 2:54 am

quietbird wrote:
K_W wrote:
quietbird wrote:
K_W wrote:
SEX...


She didn't mention sex at all, am I missing something?


Two people of the opposite sex cannot live together with out it being a factor, and it is a huge factor.


I'd have to strongly disagree with that.


OK we can disagree. But, lets ask her...

Is it or will it be a factor? (You may refuse to answer, just say so.)

I'm saying that a boyfriend and girlfriend living under the same roof are going to be temped to have sex at some point and if it has not been discussed already there may be a clashing of boundaries at some point when the natural progression of the relationship reaches that point. Point being, it would be better to know beforehand where that point is.



sunflowerpip
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06 Jul 2011, 5:33 am

I apologise in advance for this really long wall of text x.x;; :?

hartzofspace wrote:
I once had this arrangement. It did not work out. I lived with my then boyfriend in his house, along with his mother, his father, his nephew, and his 2 brothers. His whole family were horrible slobs and I spent a lot of time cleaning up after them because I cannot stand disorder and filth. Then I found that his mother did not like me and that she spent a lot of time telling lies about me to my boyfriend. I finally had to move out.

While I am not saying that this will happen to you, be aware that there could be unknown problems that arise when moving into the home of someone else. Sometimes those problems don't arise immediately, either. As for your boyfriend being on the spectrum, be prepared to give him lots of down time and space, because he may feel claustrophobic. He may need some alone/down time in the room that you share, meaning that you may have to hang out someplace else for a few hours everyday. Aspies need time to de-compress periodically, and we do this best when completely alone. If I think of anything else, I'll post it.


They do say you don't really know someone til you live with them. I'm not ruling out that they may seem like different people on a day-to-day basis. But I get along with his parents very well at the minute, so hopefully that will help.
Any issues with his family may not be present at the minute or in the immediate future as you said - but at the same time I won't know if there will be any problems until they actually crop up. I suppose I should just be aware of that.
I'm hoping that he will have enough alone time - I'll be working during the day, and some weekends I will be seeing friends or family. He also doesn't seem to mind doing this even if I'm around - so long as I don't bother him. Eg. I like reading, so whilst I'm immersed in a book, he's comfortable to do what he feels knowing that I won't bother him. Although I do understand that being with the same person in the same room everyday can be really frustating.

Gwenwyn wrote:
It wouldn't hurt to have your own alone time, either. Since you can't have separate rooms for personal space in which to unwind, it might help if you or he can find a secluded park or almost-always-empty coffee shop or something of the sort. Finding a person-free area is hard >_< They're always runnin about, gibbering on... but seriously, people are everywhere. -_-'


That's a pretty nice suggestion which I hadn't thought much about...
There are one or two places around where he lives that pretty much fit your suggestion. (People are annoyingly everywhere x.x but so long as it's quiet and I'm not approached by any, I'm fine to spend some time alone in public.)
It might be worth me thinking about more.

Lene wrote:
Living together is one thing, living with his family though... could be a minefield.

You'll need to be very careful of their need for personal space too; they're used to a family unit and you're coming in as an outisider. If you're lucky you already know them and get along well, but I still don't think it will be easy.

Mind if I ask, why are you moving in with him?

It could be. I'm a very private person myself and I always try to stay out of people's way, there's a few things I'm already aware of just from observing...e.g. not bothering his mother whilst she's watching tv, keeping quiet in the evening as his stepdad works shifts etc.
They're quite used to having outsiders come in. His mother has had various partners in the past, and his older brother's wife used to live with them til they bought their own house. I do know them and get on well with them, although I can't say i know them very well, they're very nice people. I do realise that they may change a little when I'm actually involved in their day-to-day lives...but the longest I've spent at their home with them around is 3 weeks, which I found was plenty of time to see a snapshot of how the household is run. I've also been there almost every weekend, so I'm used to being around them.

Why I'm moving in...well first and foremost...because we want to live together. For me, coming home after a day's work to him would be a dream. I would say more lovey-dovey cliche things...but I am aware that you can be a fool in love and make wrong choices without considering practicalities.
There are other reasons for my move too.
Financially, we would both be better off. We wouldn't be spending so much on train travel on a weekly basis. He's very money-concious so hopwfully this is a relief for us both.
On top of that, I live in the middle of nowhere, he lives in-between 2 cities, with easy transport across his county. I find it hard finding the right job for me, but his geographical position means there are about 3 times as many jobs as here.
And then there's my own home.
I currently live with my mum - who's a single parent and suffers with anxiety disorder and social phobia, as well as 3 siblings.
Although she has a good support network of other family members, we are usually left to it when I'm around - it's accepted that I'm heavily and solely relied on.
Whenver I'm not around - this all changes. Other family members start stepping up and helping out. She also starts doing things for herself eg. she usually insists I go to the supermarket with her, but when I'm not there, she forces herself to go alone and is completely fine - me not being there actually encourages her to get over her phobia! :)
I'm so used to cleaning around and looking after 4 other people - I honestly would not mind if I was required to continue cleaning at his house.
However my situation at home isn't the sole reason for my move - I want to make that clear. I'm used to living in this situation so I don't even find it that bad - I just realise I can't put my life on hold for my mum's sake all the time, and I'm happy knowing that she will improve.

quietbird wrote:

I second the idea of personal space. You both need to understand that you're going to need alone time. Not every minute of every day will you both be paying attention to each other in the same way as you did when you were visiting one another or going out to participate in activities.

Expect the relationship to become, over time, less exciting and random and more routine and comfortable. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, but if it's unexpected when it happens it can lead to feelings of disappointment.

It does open up new avenues for fun, though. You can more easily surprise one another with unexpected dinners, massages, etc.

As for the living with his family part, I'd seriously reconsider. Seriously. You should both move out. The only way that could be even remotely tolerable is if you had, say, the entire upper story of the house to yourselves, a guesthouse, or something along those lines. 1 bedroom and a whole house is cramped for a couple; sharing the common areas with his family is going to suck.

Part of the fun of being a couple with your own place is the freedom to manage the household your own way, to act goofy, and to have total privacy together. Another benefit is that you can split rent and utilities making your own place more affordable.


We've never especially done anything too random or any outdoor activites, and if we do they are planned extensively as both of us like fixed plans and dislike spontanousness...so basically any time we do spend together is usually routine anyhow lol
I'll agree that it will allow us to spend different time and things together, which I'm looking forward to :) (even if it's just sharing chores or being able to eat together daily...some of the best things in life are the simple ones!)

Moving out by ourselves isn't really an option, we're not in a financial position to do so.
He also has OCD and very fixed routines that are based around his home - I see me moving into his home as being a progressive step towards getting him comfortable living with someone besides family. Since being with me he has become progressively more flexible too, so I know that when he is ready in future we can take that step. Having our own place would be most ideal - both having our own spaces for activites and guests etc but I'm happy just knowing that we can have that one day, and meanwhile I'm very fine with living with his family, even if it isn't as ideal.

K_W wrote:
OK we can disagree. But, lets ask her...

Is it or will it be a factor? (You may refuse to answer, just say so.)

I'm saying that a boyfriend and girlfriend living under the same roof are going to be temped to have sex at some point and if it has not been discussed already there may be a clashing of boundaries at some point when the natural progression of the relationship reaches that point. Point being, it would be better to know beforehand where that point is.


Sex isn't a very important factor when it comes to more serious things like this, i haven't really considered it because it doesn't need to be considered lol
Basically....we already have sex, we are both very comfortable talking about it. His parents know we have sex and know that we need our privacy.
I know there may be limited amount of sexual freedom with this set-up, but we both live with our families and so are used to just keeping it in the bedroom and between ourselves.

But it isn't really a big deal! lol



Lene
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06 Jul 2011, 1:04 pm

Quote:
It could be. I'm a very private person myself and I always try to stay out of people's way, there's a few things I'm already aware of just from observing...e.g. not bothering his mother whilst she's watching tv, keeping quiet in the evening as his stepdad works shifts etc.
They're quite used to having outsiders come in. His mother has had various partners in the past, and his older brother's wife used to live with them til they bought their own house. I do know them and get on well with them, although I can't say i know them very well, they're very nice people. I do realise that they may change a little when I'm actually involved in their day-to-day lives...but the longest I've spent at their home with them around is 3 weeks, which I found was plenty of time to see a snapshot of how the household is run. I've also been there almost every weekend, so I'm used to being around them.

Why I'm moving in...well first and foremost...because we want to live together. For me, coming home after a day's work to him would be a dream. I would say more lovey-dovey cliche things...but I am aware that you can be a fool in love and make wrong choices without considering practicalities.

Quote:
As for the living with his family part, I'd seriously reconsider. Seriously. You should both move out.


Quietbird definitely has a point. I live with my bf, and it works well, but I cannot imagine living with his parents, lovely as they are, and he probably feels the same way about mine. Since you are saving on travelling costs, could you afford to rent your own place instead?

Then again, if you can stick 3 weeks with each other and if they've let girlfriends move in in the past it may not be so bad, also the fact that you are willing to pull your weight with the housework... you may fit in better than someone like myself ever would!

I second Gwenwyn's advice about finding somewhere where you can have your own space. Libraries are great, so are coffee shops (if a bit noisy). It's nice to have somewhere to retreat to if you have an argument or something.